


Between us

by Vitavili



Series: Unbroken Heart [1]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying, Domestic, Emotions, Feels, Future, Grand Prix Final, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, I love them so much, Kidnapping, Kissing, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Personal Growth, Relashionship build, Rough Sex, Seme, Separations, SeungxPhichit, Sex, Skype Sex, Slice of Life, Stripping, Teasing, Temporary Amnesia, Triggers, Uke, VictUuri, VictorxYuuri, Victuri, Victuuri 4ever, Yurio bottom, Yurio kitty, YurioxOtabek, a big drama, anti-Oleg team, drama queen, fujoshi, it may break your heart, love heals, mature - Freeform, of angst, see you next level, they will be together i promise, viktuuri
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-22
Updated: 2017-01-14
Packaged: 2018-09-01 11:45:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 40
Words: 169,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8623327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vitavili/pseuds/Vitavili
Summary: Love hurts. Love heals. Sometimes it's really easy to love. Sometimes it feels like hell. You can forget to love yourself because you are too busy with loving someone else. Sometimes you give everything for the one you love and don't expect to get anything back. You can love with all your soul and heart. Your heart can heal, your soul can belong to someone else. Love will make you cry and laugh, love will make you hate and forgive.It's life. It's pain. Feels.Don't give up.In the end, love always wins. Future fic in which Yuuri breaks his leg at GPF 2018 and everyone says that he won't be able to skate ever again. Every wrong decision he makes after this leads to a heartbreaking and long path of trying to fix everything he has done. Can a broken heart be truly healed?Translation:PolishBehind us  [Sequel]





	1. Chapter 1. Yuuri

**Author's Note:**

> In the summary, you can see the beginning of the whole story I still haven't decided how many chapters there will be or how the story will end. For now, I have two chapters written and both of them may be a little bit boring, just because it's a start of the story so I need to explain the situation. ^^  
> First, I want to say sorry for my terrible English, it's not my first language. I tried to do my best, it's also the first time I am trying to write fanfiction in English and I found it a little bit hard to do, but I hope you will like the story! If you don't understand something in the story, let me know and I will try to explain.  
> In the end of the story, I will give you some explanations about the terms of the jumps I used in the chapter, just in case if you are interested.  
> Well, enjoy the chapter and let me know if you want to read what happened next! If everything alright I will upload second chapter tomorrow or even today! ^^  
> Enjoy the story!
> 
> Vitavili

I woke up all covered in sweat and my whole body was shaking. That nightmare. Again. After deep and almost painful sigh I covered my face with palms. My heart was beating so fast, even harder than that other time I had this nightmare. I could feel how hot tears starts running down my face. I can’t. I can’t anymore. I don’t want to see this ever again. I had enough of this pain almost every night.  Everything was already over, I have to forget. But I couldn’t. Since that moment when everyone decided for me that I can’t skate anymore I knew, I will never forget.

It seems that it’s not enough. Against my own will, I started living through that day again.

**2018, November 15.**

I just couldn’t believe that I made it so far. It was the final of Grand Prix 2018. I made it, it was my third time here. The first time (in 2016) I won silver, and a second time I won gold and broke the world record of the highest point in a free program. I can still remember this amazing feeling, how adrenaline was going through my veins, I can still hear people shouting and screaming my name as I hold the gold medal in my hand, I can see them throwing flowers on the ice. It was blow minding, I couldn’t live a normal life for at least three months because every sports TV show wanted to invite me and take an interview, I had to perform my free program in different types of ice skating events, I didn’t have enough time in a day to read all fans letters. God, life was crazy. And it was coming again. This time everyone was expecting even more from me and I knew that I can’t let them down. Especially that one person… the one who all these years was next to me. All the time.

“Yuuri are you thinking about me?” silent and sweet voice murmured next to my ear, I could feel his hot breathing as his lips were almost touching my ear. His chest was touching my back so his heartbeat was going through my all body. He wrapped arms around my waist and kissed the top of my ear. I opened my eyes. I was in the restroom in front of the mirror, holding the edge of the sink, I wanted to take a few moments to myself before going on the ice. I saw a reflection of me in the mirror, brown eyed and black haired man with a serious face,  I was already in the mood for my free program that I was working on all this year. Behind me a man with silver hair and deep blue eyes was looking right into my face in the mirror with that smile of his, the thing I loved the most, because this smile was only for me.

“Victor...” I replied almost at the same time as I sighed. Of course, I was thinking about him, he was my inspiration, my coach, my lover. He was my life. I leaned on his chest even more and now I could feel him all with my body. He gave me another kiss on my ear. “I don’t know why I feel a little bit more nervous than always.” I turned my head a little bit, that I would be able to see his eyes. It was hard to tell the real color of them. Maybe it was like the color of ocean or the sky, maybe the ice or everything at the same time.

“You shouldn’t be. I will be watching you like always.” He lowered his head a little bit, but I was faster, I kissed Victor with all I had that moment, it wasn’t a deep kiss, but it was real and hard, I wanted him to feel the same I was feeling at this moment. “You are right… something is different about you today. It is because we didn’t have sex last night?” he spoke as soon as I moved my lips away. Are you kidding me? I made my poker face and Victor started to laugh after letting me go.

“Don’t worry we will do it so many times tonight that you will start feeling dehydrated.” I turned around and touched Victor’s lips with my thumb. “Of course if I win gold, if no you will become my cry-pillow.” I watched his playful gaze, he wasn’t surprised at all. Sometimes I miss those times when he was shocked after me saying some dirty stuff. Now it was normal between us. Of course, in front of other people, I would never say something like that. About last night… Victor and I even slept in different rooms, because otherwise nor I nor he would have been able to hold ourselves. Before important competitions, we always had this one-night break just because I needed to take a good rest. Of course, “rest” with Victor would have been even better, but just in case. Sometimes I was even waiting for these “breaks” because I knew that on the night after that we will get wild.

“You shouldn’t say such a dirty stuff because I might not even hold it until evening. This restroom is empty and I could even lock the door.” Of course, I knew he was kidding so I gave him a quick kiss and started going, it was about time for me to go on the ice. “I won’t mind being your pillow, but I know that you will win gold because you want to feel dehydrated as much as I do”. We left restroom with Victor giggling like a girl, oh my god I loved this types of chat so much, as I knew that Victor was already hard after hearing my words. Well, few more hours and we will be in the bed.

I changed my clothes and put my ice skates on, it was the first time I was wearing them. I bought them for this final, shiny and new they looked wonderful yet something was a little bit different than usual, the strange feeling I got before was now even stronger. But I convinced myself that it’s my imagination because I was feeling nervous. Victor didn’t know that I will be wearing these skates, I knew that he would be against this because no one would go skating for Grand Prix final with skates he wears for the first time. But I wanted to do it, it was my time and these skates will be the new beginning, even the color perfectly matched with my dance and the music.  At the same time I reached ice rink, Phichit left the rink, he smiled at me, I smiled back. It was sad that I couldn’t watch his free program, usually, he does amazing work. Well, I will just watch record latter. Now it was my turn. I went where Victor was, of course, he saw my new skates right away, as I thought he wasn’t happy at all, but I just smiled and gave him a quick hug. He can’t change anything. It’s my time now. “Watch me, love,” I said before letting him go.

“Konieshna.” he said “Sure” in Russian. Oh no. He is really mad. In more than two years I learned some Russian basics for Victor, sometimes I was using those words in bed. That would turn him even more. Sometimes Victor was using some cute words for me like “maja liubov” (my love) or something similar, but not too much, it was good for us to talk in English, sometimes even in Japanese, but Victor's Japanese was really terrible (of course I have never said him that). Anyway, I could feel that he is super mad, he said that Russian word not even thinking about language, the voice was cold and I could hear the anxiety in his tone. I smiled before going to the ice rink. It seems that I will be punished tonight. Sounds fun.

“Here it comes! Last year world champion in figure skating of men category Yuuri Katsuki!” I heard strong and loud man voice and the sea of applause came right after that, I could hear people screaming my name. The best feeling. “The world record of the points for the free program still belongs to Yuuri! Will he be able to improve it? This amazing 25 years old skater today will show us his free program he was working on all this year with his coach Victor Nikiforov. The song name is “Between us”, actually it is an arrangement of this song which was made especially for Yuuri by his friend. This song tells us about the love story and challenges that want to tear love apart. Wonderful song. Oh, here it comes the first jump! Double toe loop jump! Perfect!!”

As the man was talking I already started skating, it was so easy. Really. Because the song, the story it was about me. About me and Victor. This song was so close to me that I was living with every inch. “Loop and flip jump combination, here it goes! Nailed it!” the man was speaking about my jumps and I felt like flying, I didn’t hear him at all. I remembered the start of my story. I and Victor officially became a couple right after 2016 Grand Prix final. That was really a big boom! But I didn’t care, we were together and at last everyone knew this. We started dating after competition in Russia. It’s so funny to remember how sweet and innocent it was at first. Our first touches and first kisses, I was blushing all the time he touched me no matter where… well sometimes I am still blushing near him... some things just doesn't change. “Almost all jumps are done! We are waiting for the last one - the signature of Yuuri!” I haven’t even noticed that I did all the jumps, there was plenty of them in this dance but it felt like I was dancing on the clouds, I was so deep in this song, every jump, every spin, every move was for him. “Tuck Axel here it comes!” It’s for you Victor, watch me. Watch m--

I don’t remember how I touched the ice, just the pain and the screams around me. It felt like I can’t breathe, I was trying but I couldn’t I tried to open my eyes and I saw red. A lot of red on the ice. What is this? Why it’s so red? Blood? Who’s blood? Then I felt that my leg is burning and I couldn’t breathe because I was the one who was screaming and shaking at the same time. One of my legs was strangely twisted and I could see something white… is that a bone? Oh, my god.

“Yuuri!!!” Someone was shouting my name. Not someone, this voice I could recognize from million. Victor, what’s going on? I wanted to ask, but I couldn’t. He hugged me and I hid my face in his chest, I was screaming and shouting nonstop, at the same time begging Victor to stop everything. Please, make this pain gone. Please, please. He was saying something to me but I couldn‘t hear anything, the last thing I remember that some tried to take away Victor from me and he let me go. And everything went to black.

Pain. The pain was horrible, it was so horrible that I didn‘t want to wake up, but of course I couldn‘t sleep forever and the moment I tried to open my eyes I heard two people talking right next to me. Two men were talking and just some moments later I started to understand the meaning of the talk. „Don‘t say like that. Don‘t say it.” It was Victor’s voice full of sadness, it seemed that he feels the same pain I do. „I understand how you feel... no one could have thought that the skates have spoilage... it was silly of Yuuri to put them on.  And I know it‘s hard, but his leg was so bad broken that we were able to see bone. I hope you understand that the career as an ice skater for Yuuri is over.” I knew that voice, but I didn‘t care who it was. I opened my eyes wide, I heard that Victor started crying and I... I just wanted to be dead.


	2. Chapter 2. Yuuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My heart will always belong to you, but you have to give your heart to someone who is worth it. I am not that person.
> 
> Goodbye,  
> Yuuri

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okey, I thought to myself, that if I already have another chapter, why should I wait for tomorrow to upload it. So here you go!  
> In the Summary you can see the last words of this chapter. What happened? It seems that you have to find out ^^  
> In this chapter, you will be able to read some dirty mature stuff we all dream about :o enjoy because in the next chapter you will have to read what happened to Yuuri when he left Victor (sad part of the story :( ). if everything goes how I planned they should meet again in chapter 4 ^^ but we will see.  
> Enjoy!
> 
> Vitavili

About 20 minutes later, my heart stopped beating so fast and tears dried. I had to breathe really calm and slow... and finally, everything was over. My dream about the past became just a regular memory, I knew that it will be like that until the next time, but for now, I was fine. I turned my head to the left and looked at the clock on the wall it was 4:34 am. Just great, now I won’t be able to go back to sleep, but it’s too early to start a new day. I hated doing nothing so I had to make myself to get up. Well, maybe I should take a shower first and after that, I will decide what to do next. As I was living alone, I didn’t have any problem to walk around my flat naked, so I just took my towel which I used yesterday and went to the bathroom. Before going to the shower I looked in the mirror, my hair was a bit wet and messy, eyes wide open, really I looked like a scary cat... but I have been looking so much worse in the past. I sat down on the little chair I had in the bathroom and looked down to my feet. On the right one I saw at least six scars, I knew that in total there were nine of them. Just because my skin was pale white some of them were almost invisible.

It seems that this day will be some kind of special, I don’t know why I started seeing again memories in my head. It was like a movie that I didn’t want to see. Again I was thrown back to 2018.

 

**2018, December 15.**

It was already 15 days since I came back from the hospital. I and Victor never talked about the fact that I won’t be able to stand on the ice ever again. He didn’t know that I heard how he spoke with my ex-coach from Italy Celestino (yeah, I finally remembered who he was). No one, even once told me that I won’t be able to skate, maybe even walk without a stick, that’s why it seemed like a usual leg break. Like after few more months I will be just fine. Actually, this silence was pissing me off. Everyone was so friendly to me in the hospital, others skaters have been visiting me all the time and I had to smile and be thankful of course, but I think that Victor saw how I really feel. We came back to our home in Sant Peterburg because it was closest to the city where the Grand Prix final took place. I was still too weak to go somewhere more far away. I mean even after these two hours of flight I felt like a trash and Victor had to carry me because I even couldn’t normally sit in the wheelchair. I fell asleep in the taxi.

We had two flats, one in Sant Peterburg and one in Osaka, I loved both of them, but because of our work we didn’t spend much time at home. Well, it seemed that everything will change. My family and friends from Hatsetsu, they wanted to come, but I said that there is no point, I will be just fine and after some time, when I get stronger I will come back to Japan. At first, I tried to believe that I will be fine, I wanted to be more optimist that’s why I tried to ignore every bad thought. But it didn’t take too long for me to break. So it was already one month after I broke my leg, and I suddenly woke up in the middle of the night from pain. I was trying to sit, but the pain was so strong that I couldn’t get up, the pain from the knee of my leg was going through my whole body.

“Victor… Victor” I whispered, trying to hide the feeling of pain in my voice. He was sleeping next to me. The man lazily opened his eyes and looked at me, he understood everything in a few seconds, and his reaction was quick.

“Yuuri, love, hold on, I will get you some medicine.” He jumped from the bed and rushed to the bathroom, I heard how he was trying to search something from the pain. I was trying to breathe slowly, but the pain didn’t stop, so I was almost crying when Victor came back with medicine and a glass of water. He helped me to swallow the pill by holding the glass next to my lips and then came back to the bed, took me in his arms and pressed to his chest. “I will hold you until the pain goes away. Try to get back to sleep.” His sweet voice touched my ear and whole body, I nodded, because I was so ashamed of my behavior that I couldn’t say anything more. Why is he so kind to me? Why he loves me even more now? I couldn’t understand. I didn’t deserve that. The saddest thing was, that from that day, when it all happened he haven’t kissed me, even once. No sex, no kiss, just platonic care and I was scared that he was starting to do this from pity, not from love.

 

**2019, January, 17.**

“Victor it’s enough,” I said. We were sitting in the living room, watching TV, Victor was lying on the couch, with the remote control searching for some good movie. He accidently turned on the ice skaters competition, but quickly tried to search for something else. It was the last drop for me. So, it was already two months and my leg didn’t get any better, I was still trapped in that shitty wheelchair, and I couldn’t stand properly on my feet even with someone’s help. Believe me, I tried, I tried so many times that I couldn’t think about it anymore. I had enough. It was my mental break.

“What? You want to watch that animation on the channel before?” Victor asked not looking at me. I was so mad, so tired of everything, of everyone... I felt that after few seconds I will break, everything that I was keeping all these months will go off. All this time Victor was with me, I mean every day, every hour, he didn’t go skating even once, we didn’t talk about skating or other people we knew. Our Christmas and New Year passed pretty cold, my family came from Japan, so we were with them, eating and talking about random stuff, but not about skating.  We slept together every night, but he didn’t touch me. At first, I tried to understand, everyone, especially Victor, was trying to help me stand up on my feet, maybe he was holding himself from touching me because he knew the pain I was feeling and he didn’t want to hurt me. But the time was going and nothing changed, I didn't start feeling better, he never touched me, we never talked about ice skating. Just not long ago it was the biggest part of our lives and now it seems that we don’t have anything in common. The strangest thing was that after that big failure I had, everything around was so quiet. I was sure that Victor has done something that not even one TV program or reporter could reach us. It seemed that we vanished from the sports world and no one did care about it.

“Shut up! You know what I am talking about! I know, I know everything. I knew it from the start. I know that I won’t be able to stand on the ice ever again! I know... I know… stop trying to hide that from me. Stop lying that you forgot everything! Just stop. It’s enough.” My hands started to shake so badly and I tried not to burst into tears. I closed my eyes and turned my head down. It was over for me, but it’s not over for Victor. It can’t be over.

“Yuuri…” he was already kneeling in front of me, but I didn’t want to open my eyes. I didn’t want to hear anything so I covered my ears with palms like a child, Victor moved my hands pretty easily. “Open your eyes… look at me” he asked and I couldn’t resist. I looked at him with tears in my eyes. “I am sorry… I just thought that it will be better if we start living from the start. I never meant to hurt you, my love.”

“Victor, please go back on ice skating, you don’t have to stop for me. I want you to be happy, and I know that without skating you won’t be. It’s over for me, but it’s not over for you, you can still skate and win. You can skate for both of us. Please. Do it for me.” I talked silently but not moving my eyes. I saw in his blue eyes what he really wants. And I was right. He was looking at me for few minutes like trying to understand if I am talking the truth and then he smiled and kissed me. Kissed me for the first time after such a long time. I wrapped my arms around his neck and gave him a full response. I sucked his tongue at first gently but nor him nor I could hold it. Victor leaned forward and touched my crotch with one of his hands. I was already hard, so hungry for him. I didn’t understand when my hips started moving together with the movements of his hands. But the truth was a little bit different, we didn’t have sex for more than two months, so if we try now, it will hurt me like hell. Of course, it would be fine with me, but I knew that Victor will never agree with that. We will have to learn everything from the start. He moved his lips away and I could feel the taste of his saliva in my mouth.

“Don’t worry my love, I will make you feel really good.” Victor smiled at the same time unbuttoning my pants and taking them down, together with my underwear. Few moments he looked at my hard cock, and I blushed from that strange feeling. God just with his look I could feel that I became even harder than a few moments before.

“Victor… please…” I couldn’t wait anymore, it was almost hurting how I wanted him to touch my dick. He licked his lips and wrapped fingers around my cock, then with other hand touched my balls. I sighted from that feeling. I was impatient, wanted him to do more and now. I lifted my hips a little bit and gave him a sign what I want.

“Oh my little dirty boy, you never change…” he said and then leaned down and licked the top of my cock, I moaned and moved my hips, Victor started moving his hand up and down at the same time licking my dick. He was teasing me, I knew it. I started begging him because that feeling was killing me, it was something in the middle of pleasure and torture. Just after few minutes he gave up, and took all my cock into his mouth, I grabbed his silver hair and moaned even louder, as he started to suck my cock hard and fast at the same time rubbing my balls it didn’t take too long for me to come. And I wanted to come so badly, I tried to move his head, but he looked at my eyes and it was enough for me. I came hard into his mouth, screaming Victor’s name. I needed that so much, all my body was shaking from pleasure. He swallowed all my cum and kissed me. After that, I did blowjob for him, at the same time putting one of my fingers inside me. After more than two months I could actually feel alive. At last.

 

**2019, February 10.**

You won’t believe how much sex can do.  We were back together. Victor started going to practice again, actually, Yakov was more than happy to be Victor's coach again, he even sent me a Thank You letter and Victor was shining, he gave me that sun I was missing so much these past few months. It was still a little bit too hard for me, so I didn’t go with him to practice, but before going to sleep I was always listening talks about his new program and music, he even asked me to create some jumps combinations for him. Victor promised, that when he will be doing these jumps he is going to think about me. And I… well I almost got used to my wheelchair. I could go on one side of the house to another in 20 seconds, like super-fast. I was trying to convince myself that everything is fine now, but something was itching in my heart and I couldn’t understand what. Until today.

I was home alone in the kitchen, Victor had an important competition today so I had to be alone until late evening. It was almost 4 p.m., around this time Victor had to go to the rink. Maybe I had to call him and wish good luck, but I haven’t seen my phone from this morning and I didn’t have a clue where it was. Anyway, I was in the kitchen because I was thirsty but I forgot to remind Victor to leave some cups in proper height that I would be able to reach them. Oh well, it seems that I will have to get up from this chair and try to reach it myself. With both of my hands I grabbed the edge of the sink and tried to pull myself up, I almost succeeded, but at the last second, my hand slipped and I fell down. I hit hard my knee, the same right one, that’s why I screamed louder then I wanted to. At the same time I heard how somebody opened the door and after few moments Victor was standing right in front of me.

“Oh my God, Yuuri??? What happened??” He rushed to help me sit back in my wheelchair, I was in such a shock, that I couldn’t speak. What is he doing here? Victor's face was all red like he was running a long way from somewhere.

“Victor… what’s going on? Shouldn’t you be at the competition?” I asked still in shock. I was feeling the pain almost every day, so now even if my knee was burning I didn’t mind, the pain was already a part of my life. But Victor… I needed an explanation.

“You didn’t pick up your phone, so I thought that something bad happened so I rushed back home. And I was right. Are you alright? How long you were lying on the floor?” He asked trying to touch my hand but I suddenly moved it. What. The. Hell.

“You dumbass! I didn’t pick up my phone not because I couldn’t, it was just because I didn’t know where the phone was and I fell down just a few seconds ago. I mean I was fine without you all the time! And I can stand up by myself. I can’t believe that you missed competition because of this shitty reason! You can’t come back home every time I don’t pick my stupid phone!” I was so dumb, just now I understood the real meaning why Victor never stayed at practice for more than three hours. At first, he said that it’s enough for him, and I believed him, but obviously he was lying, he just wanted to come back home as soon as he can. He didn’t believe that I can take care of myself, he didn’t believe me at all. Not even once. He was thinking about me as I was some kind of invalid. At the moment I understood that... as long as I will be by his side, he will never be like he was before. He wasn’t the same Victor I knew.

“Yuuri… listen… I…” he tried to explain himself but I raised my hand.

“Shut up.” I turned around and left the kitchen.

 

**2019, February 13.**

We haven’t spoken with Victor since then, he was sleeping on the couch in the living room and at the day time he was practicing. At evening I could feel that he wants to say something but I never gave him a chance. I needed some space and time to finish everything I wanted. The easiest part was already done, now I had one more thing to do. Create last memory. Memory that I will always have in my heart.

On the third evening, I came into the living room or maybe I should say drove in. Anyway, Victor was reading a book, he heard how I came in but he didn’t even move his head. I could see that at the moment I made entry he stopped reading but still pretended that I am not here. I came closer to the couch and with all my strength I jumped from the wheelchair on the couch. Then put my head on Victor's shoulder, he didn’t move.

“I love you. Please love me back.” I said and then Victor grabbed my face and kissed with such a huge passion, that I almost forgot about my plan. “Love me, give yourself to me. I love you. I am sorry. I love you so much. Just you. With all I have. Forever.” I repeated the same again as he laid me on my back and started kissing my lips, face, neck.

“I love you too Yuuri, with all my heart. No matter what, you have to know that. Always. I will do anything for you.” His voice and his words were like the song for me, it was all I needed. A few moments later we were already without clothes, we were doing everything so fast, I was able to feel the heat in every kiss and every touch.

“Let’s do it slowly,” I asked him kissing and biting his lower lip. Victor listened, now I was able to sense how every touch becomes deeper and deeper. I grabbed his cock and started moving my hand up and down, it was hard and already a little bit wet from pre-cum. He wanted me so badly. Victor put one of his fingers into my hole, slowly pushing it deeper then started moving it. Our moves were synchronized, it was like we knew what each of us going to do next, we were kissing deeply, playing with each other tongue. When he put the second finger I raised my hips and started moving them along with his moves. I was almost at my limit, Victor also. “Put it in… please, Victor… please, love me…” I moaned as my body started to shake from pleasure, I let go of his cock and Victor replaced his fingers with his dick, it was hard and big. Just with one move, it was all deep inside me. I screamed out loud Victor's name from this feeling, he hugged me very tight and then started to move. He was moving slowly, putting in and almost taking out, with his hands touching my whole body, I could feel his love. I wrapped my healthy leg around his waist and started moving my hips. I could feel that from my moans he became even harder and bigger inside me. I moved my lips from his and founded his ear. “Come inside me…come... pazhalsta.” The last word I said in Russian with the meaning “please” was enough for Victor, he came hard inside me at the same time stroking my cock so I came right after him. I shouted his name and then sighed, my whole body was shivering. I won’t be able to forget that. The love was still running through all parts of my body. Apparently for Victor it wasn’t enough.

“Let me love you all night, maja liubov” he smiled at me, then stood up taking me into his hands and then he carried me to our room. I think we did it like 3 times more, I am not sure,  at least I stopped counting after the third time. Victor fell asleep at 3 a.m. and I was lying next to him, but I knew that as soon as he falls asleep he doesn't hear anything. At 4 a.m. I was ready to leave, it took me some time to reach my wheelchair because we left it in the living room, I had to slither, but I made my destination.

The taxi was already waiting for me outside and the bag with few clothes was already prepared next to the door, I just had to say goodbye. Somehow. I didn’t know how to do that, I was always bad at this kind of things, but now I didn’t have much of a choice. I didn’t kiss him, not because I was afraid to wake him up, I was afraid that if I kiss him, I won’t be able to leave Victor. But it’s enough for me to be selfish. I left him a letter, right next to his head, it will be the first thing he is going to see in the morning. Makkachin was sleeping next to the door, he looked at me with big eyes, like asking where I am going but I just smiled and leaned to kiss his forehead. “Goodbye Makkachin, take a good care of Victor.” Last time I looked back to the flat and then I left, also leaving my heart with Victor.

I was already on the train, going I don’t know where, when I remembered the letter I left for Victor. I re-wrote it so many times that I knew every word, yet I couldn’t imagine his face reading the message.

 

_Victor,_

_I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say. I know it's going sound dumb, but I don’t want to keep you down. I want you to concentrate on your skating and do your best for you, not for me. Don’t think about me, I won’t come back. Don’t search for me, because you won’t be able to find me. Just start a new page, forget the past and move forward, I know you can. I know that you can be happy without me. If you really love me, then please live on. Dance like you never danced before and after that become a coach that word has never seen before. Believe me, I know that you can and I know that you will. And I can promise you one, the life will be even better, it will be like I never existed. I believe you. You will always be my idol._

_My heart will always belong to you, but you have to give your heart to someone who is worth it. I am not that person._

_Goodbye,_

_Yuuri_


	3. Chapter 3. Yuuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Once you already did impossible. You are walking again.”  
> “Fine, but don’t blame me when I lose.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am fast, right? I don't know, maybe because I am really into this story now, I am writing chapter after chapter. Sadly I am not always that fast :D  
> Anyway, this chapter is a little bit boring, because there is no Victor here, we will meet some new characters which I created, they helped Yuuri a lot in his shitty situation. That's pretty much. With this chapter the story about Yuuri's past has ended. And if you read until the end, you will get a surprise! ^^ We can see Victor there!  
> Chapter 4 ---> Victuuri is back! And drama is still on the way. Be ready.
> 
> Enjoy,  
> Vitavili
> 
> P.s. thank you so much for your comments and Kudos <3 I can feel love <3

Suddenly I started feeling too lazy to take a shower, it’s going to be an important day to me, but somehow I couldn’t feel the excitement I should have felt. Today, after more than two years, I can start from the beginning. I don’t know if I have changed. I guess yes. What happened? Life happened. Life is what happens when you try to make plans. I looked up, next to the door calendar was hanging, just now I thought what a strange idea to keep a calendar in the bathroom. Somehow I did that because here, in the bathroom, I always started my new day with showering, shaving and then it just became a habit to look at the calendar and see what kind of plans I have today. Today is 18 of July 2021, this day in the calendar is marked in red, not just because today it’s Sunday, but because after 2 and a half years of break I will have my first competition on the ice. I should be happy, right? But nooo, somehow I, Katsuki Yuuri, am sitting naked on the chair in my small bathroom, one-roomed flat in London and thinking about my miserable past. Really? I am pathetic. I was already 28 so this competition may be my last chance. It will take place in London in one of the biggest ice centers, there will be 6 judges who will watch the competition and give us points, 5 people who get the most will be able to participate in this year Grand Prix. In total, there should be more than 30 participants. Of course, I will be the oldest one there, most of the participants are around 20 years old. Like I said, total crap. Why am I going there again? As if I have any chance to win without a coach and with a dumb program I created for myself. Sounds like a joke. But I was doing it because Simon believed in me. Now I think that without him I would have still been stuck in that super small Russian village.

  
I got up and walked into the shower, turned on the hot water. When did I meet Simon? Hm... that‘s right... somewhere at that time.

**2019, February 13 – 2021, July 18**

I was crying all my way in that train. I cried so hard, that even some people asked me if I am alright. This was as much as I could understand in Russian. Of course, I am not alright, I am in a fucking wheelchair and just left the person I love with whole my heart. Do I look alright? This is what I wanted to say, but in the end, I was just shaking my head, trying to say that I don’t need any help. Something like “Niet niet, vsio charosho.” I suppose that means “No no, everything is fine”, but at the time I wasn’t sure. After I don’t know how many hours train finally stopped in the middle of nowhere, everyone was leaving, so I thought that I have to leave too. Someone helped me to get out from the train and I wanted to give him my thanks, but when I saw where I was, I suddenly forgot how to speak. I just couldn’t describe in words what that was. Some kind of village, when I say village I mean that even the train station was a small house. It was still winter. Do you know how winter is in Russia? Fucking cold! I was wearing three sweaters and four pairs of socks, also warmest coat I had, and a cap and a scarf, even gloves and still I was feeling freaking cold. Victor… I knew he already read my letter and now he is looking for me like crazy, first of all, he will call my family in Japan to warn them, that I might come, then he will call everyone we ever met, but I know that he won’t search for me here, because coming here wasn’t like me at all. In normal circumstances, I would have gone to the place where I knew someone, but now everything was different. I needed him to forget me as soon as possible. Police won’t search for me because it was my choice to leave, they can’t do anything about it.

  
Suddenly I saw an old lady, she was looking at me and after a few seconds, she started to move to my direction. Should I run? How? I just froze and looked at her with wild eyes, she was old but seemed nice. Lady tried to ask me something but I couldn’t understand a thing, her Russian was a little bit different to the one I heard before, maybe it depends on the place where you live, the accent can change a little bit. Anyway, she was nice enough and tried explaining things to me with her hands. As I understood she was asking if I am cold. I nodded, then she smiled and helped me to move my wheelchair. The village was so small that I could even see the end of it. We reached a little house made from wood, built by really traditional Russian architecture. She opened the door for me, and I drove in. Like I had other option. I didn’t have much money with me, but if she says that I can stay in her house, I was ready to give her everything.

  
So like that, my new life started, at day time I was sitting in the house, usually next to the old furnace looking at the flames and at the night time sleeping on the couch, usually crying. I missed Victor so much, with every inch of my body, I wanted to see him so badly, that few times I almost thought that I saw him outside. I knew it’s impossible to handle this feeling. Also, my leg was hurting so badly but I didn’t cry because of that. I deserved this pain because I was the one who betrayed Victor. I wanted to do something what I thought will be better for both of us, but in the end, I was here, with the broken heart. It was even worse. But I was sure that Victor thinks that I am spending my time somewhere warm and safe. Who would have ever thought that typical Japanese man like me, who can’t even take care of himself, will go on his own to a place like this? And they were right. I was a mess.

  
So, I wanted to give my money to the old lady who took care of me because I was looking pathetic, but she showed me to keep them for myself. She was so kind, I knew that Russians have a kind heart, but I never thought that something like that might happen to me. She even started teaching me Russian, for example showing at the chair and saying “stul”, I repeated. It didn’t take long for me to learn a lot of new words and even try to make sentences. I mean what else I could possibly do in this village. So I lived here already for a few months. In march, when the snow was already gone, I even started going outside, people were staring at me, I was the only one in the whole village with the wheelchair. But everyone was kind, sometimes Maria (it was the name of the old lady), would have brought me to the small market in the village, to buy some food, because of my disability everyone wanted to give us discounts and I think Maria was taking me together for this purpose, but I didn’t mind. After Maria, people I knew the best was a postman, he would always wave me and say “Privet, Yuuri!” (Hello, Yuuri) and our neighbor, he was an old man and he loved playing chess with me, he was always talking nonstop, and I pretended that I was listening, I mean I couldn’t understand the largest part of what he says, so…

  
The life was calm here, everyone was like a huge family, but inside I was dead. Maria didn’t have a TV and she didn’t like reading, so I didn’t have any clue what’s going on outside this village. People here didn’t seem to care about outside life. So nothing new about the real word, no skating, no Victor, my past life was dead, every day here was the same. I tried to smile, but inside I felt weaker and weaker, no matter what I tried I couldn’t move on, and go somewhere. Because I didn’t see the point of doing that. I think I would have lived here until the last day of my life if Simon wouldn’t have come to the village.

  
It was already the end of May, warm enough for me to go outside just with one sweater. I drove from the house to meet a postman, who had to bring pension for Maria. “Privet, Yuuri!” he smiled, giving me an envelope with the money. “Vsio charosho?” he asked if I was fine, and I nodded like a child. I know that I was already 26 years old, but because I was so skinny with a child face, no one ever gave me more than 20. Then suddenly I saw a man, a tall one with black hair he was caring a bag with himself. Sometimes tourists were coming here, for different reasons, but most of them just because they wanted to see true nature of Russia. But the strange thing about that man was, that he was Japanese. It was the first time I saw Japanese here, he saw me too. And I don’t really remember how this happened but after few minutes we were already chatting in the living room of Maria’s house. It was so strange to talk in Japanese, but so good at the same time. The man’s name was Simon. Not really common name in Japan, right? Then he explained to me that he was born in London, and just now, after 10 years, finished studying medicine. He wanted to be a surgeon, he was already doing some operations in private clinic. Then he asked what happened to my leg, I don’t know why, but I told him the truth, I have never told anyone what happened to me, even to Maria, but somehow I felt that I can tell this to Simon. He looked at my leg for some time and asked me if I want to walk again. I didn’t understand his question, is that possible? “We are living in XXI century, everything is possible if you know where to go,” I remember he laughed so hard at my reaction. I felt how my body starts to shake. But wait… I don’t have enough money for that, I don’t have money at all… he smiled at me and said, “I will help you Yuuri, but you have to promise me, that you will go on ice once more.” I didn’t have much choice, did I?

 

 

I went back together to London with Simon. It took 8 operations for me, I was practically living in the hospital for more than half a year. I don’t know why I was so lucky? I mean, all the time I had such an amazing people around me. Simon had a wife, who took care of me as I was a little brother to her, and Simon – he was a walking miracle. 2019, November 5, I did my first steps without falling. I was so happy, that I could have hugged everyone around me, but the one who I wanted to see the most, wasn’t here. As soon as I started living in London I tried calling Victor, but I guess he changed his number. One day Simon bought sports magazine for me, and I saw a picture of Victor. He was participating in his last Grand Prix final, there was written, that this year Victor program was amazing, so touching, that almost everyone started to cry. I cut his picture from that magazine and hid it my jeans. After that, I started looking for videos with Victor skating, but it was too hard for me to watch them. Simon found me crying and when he asked what happened, I told him the truth, how badly I want to see Victor now. I was so stupid then, I showed the video of Victor to Simon and said “Look, look how sad he is, look at that pain in his eyes, look how he moves… it’s not right it shouldn't be like that. I didn’t want that. I just wanted him to start a new life.” Simon sighed, of course, he couldn’t see what I was seeing, for him it was just a regular beautiful dance.

  
“Listen Yuuri, I know that you don’t want to hear that, but the truth is that you were stupid. All your actions from the moment of Grand Prix were stupid. I know it was hard for you, to lose the possibility of skating, you lost your purpose of life and that’s why in the end you got depressed and left, I am right? Look… you should have just talked to him, but now it’s too late for that. I think that you have to go to Russia and meet Victor eye to eye, say that you are sorry, ask him for another chance, I don’t know… obviously, you can’t live without him, so try doing something about it. I will give you money to go to Russia since you are in debt to me for the rest of your life, it doesn’t matter.” Simon said it before I tried to ask for the money. Oh, my god, I will have to work hard to pay everything he has done for me. I was already walking on my own when I got the tickets to Sant Peterburg, sometimes I needed a stick to help me, but I knew that after some time, I will be fine. Finally.

  
So, on 4 of January of 2020, I was already in front my old flat. I was so scared to ring the bell, it took me more than 15 minutes finally do that. And when the door opened some kind of women was standing there.

  
“Do you need something?” she asked in English because she saw that I was a foreigner. Why there is a woman in our home? I almost told that I don't need anything. But I didn’t come here for that.

  
“Is Victor home?” I asked with a pain in my throat.

  
“Victor, what Victor? There is no Victor here.” then I understood that he moved away from the flat. He left everything behind like I told him. So why his dance is so sad? Victor where are you? Were you searching for me also like that? I apologized to the women who now was living in my ex-flat and walked outside. What now? Should I go back to London? How is it possible to find Victor here, he might be in any corner of the world. The internet didn’t say anything about the place where he was living not even giving an email. So how fans are able to find him? Or maybe not? Maybe he doesn’t want anyone to reach him. I took my phone and called to the person who maybe won’t be mad at me.

“Hello”

  
“Hey, Minako-sensei it’s me… Yuuri.”

“Who? What… Oh my God! Yuuri!” she screamed so loud that I had to pull away the phone from my ear. “Where are you? All you alright? Where have you been? Tell me where are you! Everyone was so worried!” her voice touched even my heart. She was right, I hurt not just Victor, but also everyone else around me, including my family.

“I will explain everything to you… but before that I just have one question, do you know where Victor is?”

“Ah… Yuuri… sorry, I don’t. He hasn't contacted us from that moment when he gave up on searching for you.”

I invited her to come to London for a talk. I stayed in Sant Peterburg for one more day, I went to ice center in Peterburg, where Victor used to have practice, but it was closed for renovation, after that, I walked around some places we used to visit together, but there was no point. He wasn’t here. I came back to London and after two more days Minako came to visit me, she brought me some gifts from my family and friends in Hatsetsu, also my parents asked her to give me some money, I didn’t want to take them, but she insisted. Minako stayed for one more week and after she left, I started looking for a job, I mean I wished I could search for Victor all the time, but I couldn’t live in Simon’s place anymore. I started working in the bookstore, it was the best I could have found without any experience. Now I don’t remember why I couldn’t go to the final of Grand Prix 2020, I think it was because of the work schedule or something like that. In 2019 Victor won gold, and he wasn’t participating in the Grand Prix 2020, but he started to work as the coach of Yuri, yeah that annoying little boy, who now grow up into a fine man. Yes, he won gold in 2020, I didn’t watch, but I read in the newspaper. I should have gone there, it was my only chance to meet Victor and I missed it.

  
One day, I think it was almost the end of 2020 Simon asked to go with him for a coffee. He sat in front of me with that serious face of his and said: “Yuuri, do you remember your promise?” he asked and at first I was thinking that he is talking about Victor (yes, he was the only one in my mind), but then he talked again “You have to skate again for me. I want you to participate in the next Grand Prix final.” He smiled, but I looked at him as it was some sort of a joke.

  
“Are you kidding me? I haven’t skated for years, I mean to get into the Grand Prix final I would have to take competition in summer. Don’t look at me like that! It’s crazy, I don’t have any program or music, I am not even talking about the coach. It’s impossible.” I couldn’t stay calm, I don’t even know if I would be able to stand on the ice, but to dance??? To do the whole program by myself? This man in front of me was crazy, but he looked at me with those dark eyes and I sighed.

“Once you already did impossible. You are walking again.”

  
“Fine, but don’t blame me when I lose.”

**2021, July 18. (Today)**

  
I could write a whole book just from these years. That’s what I thought when I left the bathroom. I knew that I won’t succeed, even if I was practicing nonstop for 6 months. Okey, I admit it, it was amazing to stand on the ice again, and it wasn’t that bad when I did my first jump the fear was gone. But still, it wasn’t the same, without Victor everything on the ice was different. It was hard to practice, because I didn’t have a coach, so no one ever said to me something about choreography I made or the songs I picked. Simon didn’t come to watch me, he told me, that he will see everything in the summer, so I was alone. Few times I send some videos for Minako-sensei, and she said that they were perfect. But oh my God, everything was perfect for her just because she was one of those people who thought that I won’t be able to walk. I wanted to win just for one thing, because if I win, then I will be able to see Victor at Grand Prix. This was my biggest motivation to practice.

  
When I came back to my room it was almost 6 a.m. Competition starts at 11 a.m. so I still had plenty of time, I went for a walk, called my mom, then went to the supermarket and came back home. I don’t know why I couldn’t stay calm. It’s not like I will skate for the first time. It’s just a first competition after all this time. But there was something else and I couldn’t understand what.

  
You know what surprised me the most? That I was late! I mean, I left home at 10 a.m., I wasn’t living too far away from ice center, but somebody got into the car accident that’s why all the traffic stopped. When I finally came it was already 11:56 a.m. I rushed to the manager of this competition and explained the situation.

  
“It’s okay, your number is 15, you are just in time, go change your clothes and go directly to the rink.” I nodded and rushed to the dressing room. I couldn’t believe it. I missed warm up, and now I will have to skate right away. I dressed my skating clothes and put on my skates, then did few warm up exercises and left the room. Here goes nothing. I went near the rink and sighed. Thank God I came just in time, the young boy, whose number was 14 just finished his dance. I knew that Simon with his wife was sitting somewhere in the audience but I couldn’t see where. I didn’t have time to find him. I took a deep breath and walked into the rink. Calm down Yuuri, you will be just fine. Three minutes and everything will be over. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath again.

  
“Thank you for this beautiful performance.” strong man’s voice started to speak. “I want to remind you that among our judges today we have one guest who came right from Moscow, especially for this competition, it’s living legend Victor Nikiforov!” Wait. WHAT. I opened my eyes and looked in front of me. I saw the desk of judges and Victor sitting on the right, he was looking at some papers on the desk, he hasn't seen me yet. I wasn’t ready for this. I didn’t think that I’m going to meet him today. I am not prepared. I am not-

  
“Let’s meet our next participant Yuuri Katsuki! Wait, isn’t he the same Yuuri Katsuki from Japan…???” the speaker was so in shock as the rest of the audience. I slid into the middle of the rink and Victor raised his head, looking at me with his deep blue eyes. With frozen face. And then the music started playing.


	4. Chapter 4. Yuuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was sitting straight, his silver hair was beautifully combed back, and that’s why his face looked more serious, more mature. And his eyes… oh my god his eyes, the color you can’t possibly forget. My sky, my ice, my ocean – everything I loved the most in this life. And lips, those lips I have kissed so many times, those lips which in the past were driving me crazy. I never thought that meeting him after such a long time will be so hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there my drama lovers!
> 
> Here comes chapter 4! They finally met each other! YAY! Well not that big yay for now, Yuuri still has to work hard because of his mistakes in the past.  
> Victor my beautiful Victor, I will do everything to make him feel better :( it even hurts for me how sad he is :( Bahw... x.x
> 
> Someone give Yuuri some napkins because I just caaaaan't....  
> And thanks for Kudos and comments, it makes me want to write so badly. Story continues tomorrow!  
> By the way, the song "The heart asks for pleasure first" is a real thing. One of my favorites! Try searching on Youtube ^^
> 
>  
> 
> Vitavili ^^
> 
> P.S. Like in the first chapter I will leave you some notes at the end about the jumps and spins!^^

My heart stopped. I swear, just for one second but it stopped. I could hear some kind of strange sound in my ear. It was something like a beep, everything around has frozen for me, so have I. The music was playing and I didn’t start moving. I was like a statue, I even couldn’t blink. Victor was here, right in front of me. It wasn’t a dream anymore, this time it was real. I mean I had so many dreams about Victor, about me finally meeting him, I even had a whole speech prepared what I am going to say for him. But the truth was different, I wasn’t ready for this. He was looking right into me, and I couldn’t move my eyes. We were staring at each other, I bet that my eyes were wide open with a little bit of fear, but I couldn’t tell the meaning of Victor's gaze. First of all, he was shocked, but then something changed and I couldn’t say what, I never saw him like that. I haven’t seen him for more than two years but it felt more like a million. Since I was without my glasses, I couldn’t see him very well, but… he was so beautiful… he was…

  
“Hm… I am not sure, maybe it’s a part of Yuuri’s program, but he hasn’t moved yet.” The man spoke loud as the music was playing and I was standing still without making any move. That made me wake up. I suddenly turned my eyes from Victor and moved a little bit back.

  
“I-I’m sorry, can you start the song from the beginning?” I asked blushing so hard from the shame. It’s my first time skating in public and I already did the worst impression I could possibly do. As I was looking at the desk where the judges were sitting, one woman raised her eyebrow. I think she was the most important here, after a few really long moments she nodded and I sighed from relief.

  
“Alright! Judges let Yuuri begin from the start, let’s hope he will take this chance. Let’s begin. Again.” Even before the music started playing, I closed my eyes. Just in case because if I look at Victor, I will freeze again. I turned around and touched my face. Yuuri, think about moves and jumps is all that matters now. Fuck no, Victor is sitting there, looking at me. I could feel him, he was staring at me... this I was able to sense without even looking. “Okey, here it goes! Katsuki Yuuri, 28 years old. The song's name is “The heart asks for pleasure first” it’s a solo piano soundtrack written and played by Michael Nyman. The first jump triple toe loop jump, beautiful landing!” I had a lot of jumps planned on this dance, but I didn’t know if I am going to make them all. After seeing Victor I couldn’t concentrate. I have to talk to him. I need to do that. Oh my god, I almost missed another jump! “We just saw a perfect Luz jump! Good start. To be honest, I think nobody thought that we will ever hear Yuuri’s name again on the ice skating competition! As we all know, at the Grand Prix final in 2018, Yuuri broke his leg and doctors said that he won’t be able to walk ever again. But he is here! Looking perfectly fine to me. Is that a miracle? Double Axel, double flip, and loop jump combination! Wow, perfect landing!” Miracle? You dumbass… you don’t have any idea through what I had to go! More than a half of a year living in pain and then another half lying in the hospital with all these operations and medicals, sometimes I couldn’t sleep for 3 or 4 days in a row from pain. Miracle in my ass! Jeezes. “Yuuri really had worked on his movements, it’s even hard to watch how he spins so much! How he does that? It even seems that he goes faster and faster, oh! He did a Death drop! Amazing way to end the first part of the song.” Just wait for second part. You just wait. I don’t know why, but somehow he was pissing me off. I mean that speaker. But this is not for him, it’s for Victor. Just now I decided to change some jumps, and I hoped that he will be able to read my message. So the second part of the song begun and I started it with Y spin position, after that I started to slide faster and faster, spinning around. Here goes nothing! I took a deep breath before doing it. “Quadruple Salchow flip combination! Wow, he really just did it! I think it was the highest point of this dance!” No, it wasn’t you dumbass. “I can’t believe my eyes! What’s going on? It seems, that he is going to make another huge jump! Quadruple Axel! He did it! Did it! Quadruple Lutz, triple flip and double toe loop combination! Incredible. Triple toe loop! Again! And again! How much stamina does this man have? He just doesn’t stop! Again quadruple Salchow with a double flip and Tuck Axel! He did the Tuck Axel! It was the last jump he did in Grand Prix final in 2018, before falling. This time it was a total success, just incredible he did all his jumps without even stopping for a second!” Yeah, be amazed, I could have done more, but for today it was all. At the end, I did a basic sit spin in a shoot-the-duck position and then music ended. I finished the dance staying still with face hidden in my palms. For one second it was quiet and then a huge wave of applause came, I opened my face and looked at the people around me, most of them were clapping standing. “We just saw a shocking performance. I am not even sure if we are just in beginner’s competition or already in Grand Prix final. What a show. Everyone, it was the grand comeback of Yuuri Katsuki! I hope that someone had filmed that.” He stopped talking, but people were still clapping. I was breathing fast and my heart wanted to jump from the chest. But I smiled and bowed for the audience, they started to clap even more after that. “Oh, it seems that the main judge wants to say something.” I looked at the table of judges, the women who nodded me at first was holding a microphone. Well, it’s strange, usually, they don’t say anything. I tried not to look at the side where Victor was, but I still could feel his eyes on me. She started to speak when finally everyone sat back to their seats.

  
“Katsuki Yuuri” the women spoke. “So who did the choreography for you?”

  
“I did it myself…” I tried to speak loud that everyone could hear me, but somehow I sounded really scared. “I did it myself,” I repeated loudly because, in the end, nobody was able to hear me. Why is she asking that?

  
“And you don’t have a coach?” she asked again, looking at some papers on the table.

  
“At the moment no. But I will try to find him” I promised. Maybe I can’t participate without a coach?

  
“You are already doing everything without him. But yes, you need a coach to participate in the next competition. I just have one question to end this. Why did you come back? You could perfectly become a coach yourself.” That was a surprise. Are there any limits in ice skating? Maybe I did something wrong? Or maybe she is saying that I have enough experience to start teaching and not participating in the competition? She was testing me.

  
“It’s because I made a promise to my friend that I will skate again,” I said the truth, I think I would have never ended up here if Simon wouldn’t have told me to.

  
“Is that the only reason?” Suddenly the other voice asked. Man’s voice. Victor. I froze and my hands started shaking. What kind of question is that? Victor, why are you asking this? What do you want to hear? I couldn’t look at him and my lips became so dry, some kind of strange feeling was stuck in my throat, something like lump which I couldn’t swallow. Stop… His voice, it was like a stroke to my ears and heart. It was so different from the one I remember. Nothing sweet, nothing warm. I felt how my eyes are starting to get wet.

  
“Yes.” I lied to him, but looking somewhere else. After that, I bowed one more time for judges and then rushed to leave the rink.

  
I took my skates protectors which I left next to the rink and after putting them on I ran back to the dressing room, went inside and locked the door, sit down on the floor and burst into tears. It was like an explosion, I started to cry with my voice, out loud. What have I done with my life? What have I done with all I had? Victor’s voice was so cold, I could feel whole Grand Canyon between us. He talked like he didn’t even know who I am. It hurt, really, that’s why I was crying. But at the same time, I knew that I deserved even more. I felt that he won’t listen to me because he doesn’t care anymore. I was the one who hurt him, I left him alone without anything and made him suffer. Even with my eyes closed I could see him. He was sitting straight, his silver hair was beautifully combed back, and that’s why his face looked more serious, more mature. And his eyes… oh my god his eyes, the color you can’t possibly forget. My sky, my ice, my ocean – everything I loved the most in this life. And lips, those lips I have kissed so many times, those lips which in the past were driving me crazy. I never thought that meeting him after such a long time will be so hard.

  
Shit, my leg started hurting, this is the result of going to the rink without a normal warm-up. I sighed and got up to take some pill from pain, I wasn’t crying anymore, just sobbing. After thinking that I deserved this I felt that I can’t cry. Suddenly someone knocked on the door. God, it’s someone from the participants and I look like a person whose parents just died. I quickly opened the door not looking who that was and pretended I was searching for something in my bag, I totally forgot that I needed that pill from pain and that I was still with my ice skates. Just take what you want and go away.

  
“You got 103,65 points for your performance. Since you left before seeing results, I thought that I will come and tell you. Congratulations, obviously they will let you participate in Grand Prix.” Cold Victor’s voice spoke from the doorway. I stretched my back so suddenly that I almost heard like something cracked inside. I turned around slowly, my face was all red from cries and from Victor’s face I saw that he heard everything. He was holding his hands in the pockets of his pants, standing there so calm, beautiful and I looked like a pig, with snot in my nose. I couldn’t say I word, I just felt that my legs can't take it anymore so I set down on the couch. After few moments I opened my mouth.

  
“H-how Makkachin is doing?” I asked with trembling voice. Really Yuuri? REALLY? After these years is that all you can say? This is the first words for the love of your life. Good job, good job. I couldn’t keep my look at Victor, so I was looking at my hands, but I could almost see how Victor raises his eyebrow thinking the same as I did.

  
“He died last year.” After hearing those words I quickly lifted my eyes, and finally looked at him. Oh no. “I’m joking. He is fine, waiting for me in Moscow. At last, I made you look at me.” He smiled with half of his lips, but eyes were still cold. One moment my heart starting beating so fast, and other second it almost stopped. The feeling was horrible. I didn’t have strength for that. “So tell me, did you really started skating again because one of your friends told you so? Maybe your new lover?” He shrugged, teasing me, testing me. He wanted to see my reaction. When tears from my eyes started running down again he sighed. I still haven’t said a word. “Good luck finding a coach” he rolled his eyes and turned around. I don’t know what I was doing, but suddenly I found myself kneeling on the floor, I holding his hand before letting him leave.

  
“I- I…I need to tell you… so-something. Ple-ase. Pleas-e. I und-erstand if you don’t wan-t t-t-o liste-n… but just hear me ou-t.” I was sobbing so badly that I couldn’t understand myself what was I saying. “Yo-u can be l-ike that if you do-n’t w-ant to look at me. B-ut if you release my han-d I-I will under-stand…. I d-on’t dese-rve… I..” Somehow I finished what I wanted to say and few moments after my last words were the longest in my lifetime.

After that.

  
He let my hand go .


	5. Chapter 5. Yuuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So… I will ask you for the last time. Why did you start skating again?” he asked silently.  
> “For you." I answered, starting to tremble, I couldn’t stand this feeling, I was almost falling so I grabbed his shirt as hard as I could.  
> “That’s the answer I wanted to hear.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey darlings!
> 
> Well, I can promise one, this chapter is the last one without any sex or kissing scenes ^o^ That's good news, right? In the next chapter, I think we will meet Yurio, still not really sure about some scenes, I will start writing next chapter today in the evening, so we will see! ^^  
> I know I know, Victor is so cold to Yuuri, it's not right. Yuuri has to heal his heart as he was the one who broke it. Victor doesn't want to admit what he feels. My poor boy :(
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I give my love to you <3
> 
> Vitavili
> 
>  
> 
> P.s. I am sorry about Makkachin in chapter 4! I wrote it BEFORE I saw episode 8 x.x Oh my god, I hope he will be alright!

My hand was empty. Without the feeling of Victor's fingers touching my skin suddenly I felt that my body starts to melt from pain. The feeling was so painful and cold, I looked at my palm. I don’t think I have ever seen my fingers like that. They were a little bit trembling, like something very crumbly. I was too late.

  
“You have 10 minutes before I have to go back” Victor turned around and came back to the room, he sat on the couch, crossing his legs, I was still kneeling in front of the opened door. He didn’t leave, he will let me talk! The amount of the time I had for my talk was so small, that I got lost. Where should I begin? My future depended on those 10 minutes, somehow I had to make him look at me the same way as he was looking before, because, with this cold gaze of his, he won’t hear my heart. Words won’t help, he has to feel what I am feeling.

  
I forgot all the speech I had prepared for this day. It just made me realize, that it’s what happens when you are preparing for something, karma always strikes you so hard. I started getting up from the floor, really slow, but not because of the pain in my leg, it was because I didn’t have strength for it. At first, I had my worst nightmare then somehow I was thrown back to these past two years and now this. I don’t remember when was the last time I cried so much as today. Maybe on my first days in Russian village. I didn’t even care that my performance was good enough to get over 100 points. I knew I could do better, judges saw my mistakes, that’s why I didn’t get the best score I could. When that woman told me that I could be a coach myself, she was just teasing me. All she wanted to say, that I tried to do too much, as I was some kind of a superhero who knows everything. It’s true, I wanted to do impression so bad that I forgot to put my heart in the dance. They saw that, and I knew that with this dance I have, no matter how many perfect jumps I am going to do, I will never win. Why Victor came? Is he really want to listen to me or just…

  
“Eight minutes left.” I heard his freezing voice again. I was already standing on my feet, but still not looking at him. I closed the door and turned around, this time I didn’t lock it, just leaned on the door, to hold on. I bet my face was looking terrible, but somehow Victor was okay with this. He was looking straight at me, waiting. I have less than seven minutes.

  
“He…he is not my lover.” I raised my head and looked at him, I wished that my look could be that strong as his, but it wasn’t. I couldn’t look at Victor like that. With my eyes, no… with my whole body, I was showing, that I still adore him. But Victor was staring at me, as he was blind. He saw just surface and didn’t want to look inside. I don’t know why I started with these words about the lover. He has to believe that I was devoted to him from the first moment we met until now. “He is a doctor who helped me to start walking again.” Victor frowned, he was a bit interested in what I said, but not that interested for start asking about it. I had to say something better. I tried to change my tactics. “I was trying to search for you… after 2019 Grand Prix final… I tried to call you and then went to our flat in Sant Peterburg, but you were gone and…”

  
“Of course, you told me to move forward, so I did. I don’t really get why you are saying that.” He didn’t let me finish and I blushed so hard. That was also bad, my words sounded like I was blaming him, but the truth was, that he can’t be blamed. He is right I said to live on without me. I said so many terrible things to him. “But you lied you know…” he spoke again before I said something more. “You said that my life will be like you never existed. But you are here.” His face became so serious, that I turned pale. Now he was blaming me. But it was the truth, no matter what I promised to Simon, I said to Victor that I won’t come back, that I won’t hurt him anymore. And here I am, trying to break all these walls he made to protect himself from me. Victor put one of his arms in the pocket of his pants and, I couldn’t believe my eyes, he pulled out my letter. The paper was already crumpled and not so white, but it was the same letter. Is he carrying this with him all the time? “It reminds me, why I can’t trust anyone again. You see… no matter how much of your heart you give to a person, he will still break it. You wrote that I have to give my heart to someone who is worth it, but how could I give something that I don’t have?” Suddenly he threw the letter at me. The paper didn’t reach me, it fell not too far away from my legs. I was the one who had to speak, but how possibly I could. My lips were quivering. “You know why I stopped looking for you? Because… I understood that you never loved me. The real me. You loved your idol, but not the person. But I… I loved you not because of your looks… You never understood that. Nor you do now.” My ears started hurting from the moment he used past tense, Victor said that he loved me, not that he loves me.

  
“It’s not true!” I screamed louder than I had to, but I didn’t care that someone will hear us. “I loved you because you were mine! I still love you! I started regretting everything that I have done from the moment I left the city, but it was already too late. I felt too guilty to come back, I was scared, broken and stupid. I thought that I am a burden to you, that with me around you will lose everything you have created, everything you worked so hard for! I never wanted to ruin your life, I just wanted to make you free. I was naïve… but … after I broke my leg you changed so much… and I thought that I am losing Victor that I love…” I started to speak faster and faster like I was afraid, that I will forget what I have to say, but in the end, my voice cracked. I was breathing so heavily, much faster than after skating. All my face was red again, I didn’t know if my heart will handle all these feelings I had today. Please, Victor, hear my voice and hear how I pronounce every word for you. Can’t you see how much I love you? It’s obvious, that I don’t have anyone else. You are the only one.

  
“Yuuri, do you remember the first time we kissed for real?” He suddenly asked and I clapped with my eyes. The first time we kissed? Where was it? In hotel after the competition in Russia, or no? We kissed, and what happened next? Somehow I couldn’t remember. I was sure that we didn’t have sex, so… nothing happened. I looked at Victor with the lost look and he sighed. Now his face from serious became so sad, the same face he made when he was dancing in Grand Prix final. “As I thought… You don’t remember. After we kissed, we talked. Yes, just talked. About us, about everything. You told me your feelings and that’s why I started to love you even more. But… after you broke your leg, you stopped talking to me, you wanted me to be away from you, and you didn’t want to share your feelings with me anymore. You wanted to be alone and needed me just for the sex. I tried not to show how I was feeling about that, but the truth was that the one who changed was you… not me.” Somehow his monolog made my eyes open. Just now I understood everything, he wanted to be with me so much not because he was feeling sorry for me, but because he thought that I will start talking with him again. I did everything wrong. Oh God. Victor got up from the couch and smiled.

  
“But it doesn’t matter, everything is over. I don’t have feelings for you anymore, so you don’t have to apologize." he shrugged "I need to go, move from the door.” But I didn’t move. He was lying. I saw this from his sad eyes. He was just afraid to trust me again.

  
“What… I have to do to make you believe me again?” I asked with so much pain in my voice, that even Victor stopped for a moment. But after a few seconds he moved again, he came so close, that our bodies were almost touching. I was able to smell his scent, the scent of Victor was so strong… so good, I wanted to touch his neck with my tongue and taste it, make sure that it was real. I opened my eyes wide in shock and lifted my face. Our eyes met, I was burning. Burning in the iced flames of his eyes.

  
“Become my student again and let me use you however I want.” Now his face was even closer than before, the top our noses were touching. “Let me show you what you have done. Take responsibility.” He was smiling with his mouth but not with his eyes and I was almost fainting from his smell, from the fact that his lips were almost touching mine, I could feel the heat coming out from his mouth. I slowly nodded. I wanted to agree, but deep in the heart I knew that he will make me regret it. I was able to see his tongue and my lips became so dry. I am not even talking what was going inside my body, it was cold and hot at the same time and I was so hard down there, I never thought that it could hurt so much. “So… I will ask you for the last time. Why did you start skating again?” he asked silently.

  
“For you." I answered, starting to tremble, I couldn’t stand this feeling, I was almost falling so I grabbed his shirt as hard as I could.

  
“That’s the answer I wanted to hear.” He smiled, satisfied of himself, then he stretched his back and pulled off my hands from his shirt. “Today at 7 p.m. be at the entrance of the airport, you are going to Moscow with me.” After these words he made me move and went out leaving me without anything, burning inside and freezing outside. Blood stopped going through my veins. The end or the new beginning? I wasn’t sure.


	6. Chapter 6. Yuuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I leaned down a bit and looked at his face features, he had long eyelashes… I knew, he won’t wake up. When he was sleeping deeply like that, even a concert of a rock band wouldn’t be able to wake him. The only thing what could possibly wake him up in the past was my pain. Sometimes I felt like he is sleeping in the stand-by mood, ready to get up no matter when. I raised my hand and touched his face with the tips of my fingers. His skin was the same I remembered, so soft and smooth. Without thinking what I am doing, I touched his lips with mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahaha. I wanted to start writing today and finish it tomorrow, but as soon as I started I couldn't stop. It's already 3 a.m. here! x.x and I have classes tomorrow (I mean today) at 9 a.m. Oh, well who cares? :D Oh, somehow it's so easy to write this story, maybe because I can see that someone is interested in it? ^o^
> 
> I can't decide what should I write about in the next chapter... go with Victuuri a little bit more or write a chapter with Yuri included. Help? ^^
> 
> Good night for me, I have 4 hours of sleep left!  
> Vitavili

After Victor left the only reason why at last I moved was because someone actually came. It was a boy, maybe about 18 years old, with gold hair and big green eyes. He looked at me and tried to smile, but after seeing my face he started to look a bit worried.

  
“Are you alright?” he asked and touched my shoulder “Something happened? You look really bad. You feel sick? Maybe I should call a doctor?” he was asking nonstop and I saw that boy sincerely cared about me. But just because he didn't know what kind of person I was inside. I am horrible. I shook my head, that was a way to say that I don’t need any help now unless he has something like an elixir of love which I could use on Victor. I tried to smile, but it didn’t work I guess because I made him worry even more. “Hey, sit down for a bit, I will get you some water” I nodded like a robot and sat on the couch, at the same spot where Victor was sitting just a few moments ago. I thought that I can still feel his body warmth he left here. The boy went to the table and took a bottle of water, then came back and gave it to me.

  
“Thank you.” I finally said, I don’t know why, but after sitting on the couch somehow I felt calmer. Maybe because I was sitting in Victor’s spot like he left his cold energy here and now it spread to me. I opened the bottle and drank a little bit of water, my mouth was so dry that it felt amazing like I haven’t drunk anything for ages.

  
“I know who you are!” Suddenly the boy spoke, or maybe I should say shouted. “You are Yuuri Katsuki! I saw your performance, it was amazing! I can’t believe that I didn’t recognize you. I was your huge fan back then!” after his words somehow I started feeling really old “My name is Lucas I am from Norway, nice to meet you!” Do I look like I care now? He started bowing to me and I somehow stopped myself from rolling my eyes. We are not in Japan and you are not Japanese.

  
“Nice to meet you too. Sorry for seeing me like that, I had some problems with… family” I wanted to say ex-lover but thanks God I didn’t. I started untying my skates, I just have to get out from here as soon as possible, so I was trying to do everything as quick as could. I changed my clothes and put on normal shoes, then found my glasses and took my bag ready to leave this place. The boy was still here. “Bye,” I said just because I didn’t want to look unfriendly.

  
“See you Yuuri! I am happy that you are skating again, you will be my idol again!” He smiled to me so widely that I could see almost all his teeth.

  
“No,” I said and started moving, suddenly I saw the letter which Victor threw at me, I picked it up and left, leaving Lucas a bit confused. Nobody should get involved with idols, or they may end up like me.

 

 

I was already at home, packing my things when suddenly my phone rang. I got scared that it might be Victor, who changed his mind, but then I thought that he doesn’t know my number, so it’s impossible. It was Simon. Oh shit, I totally forgot about him. I have to pick up and tell him what happened, at least that part about leaving to Moscow.

  
“Yuuri! Where have you gone? We were waiting for you outside after the competition ended, but you didn’t come. Is everything alright?” Why everyone is asking me the same question. I just don’t have an answer for that. Because to say I am not alright wouldn’t be enough. But I didn’t want to tell him or somebody else what happened.

  
“Sorry Simon… everything is fine I am just leaving to Moscow today, so I needed to pack my things, sorry for not calling you.” From all the long drama story, I told him just the most important part. He won’t be able to change my mind. As I thought Simon wasn’t surprised, maybe he just knew my situation too well.

  
“Victor came to you after your performance, right? You talked to him, you will try from the start?” I didn’t want to lie to Simon, I swear, but if I have told him, how Victor was acting and what he told me, he would have tried to convince me not to go.

  
“Yeah… something like that.” I tried to say this with a bit of optimist tone in my voice. I think that I succeeded, because when Simon spoke again, I could feel the smile in his voice.

  
“That’s great Yuuri! I am so happy for you, I told you that everything will be alright. If he forgives you, that means that Victor really loves you! By the way, your performance was incredible, you score was the highest. I am so proud of you.” I almost didn’t hear what he said about my dance, because after his words about Victor my eyes started hurting so much, I didn’t have tears to cry because I cried out everything I got today, but my heart started beating painfully hard and fast.

  
“Yeah… I… have to go.” That was all that I told him. Because I couldn’t speak. Every thought about Victor was making me tremble. It wasn’t a real fear, but something about him was scary now.

  
“Okay! Let’s keep in touch. Good luck Yuuri!” He didn’t hear how my voice changed. That’s good. After he hung up the phone I looked at my opened, half prepared luggage. How long will I stay in Moscow? Maybe after few days he will tell me to go back? Since it was the middle of the summer I packed just a few warm clothes. Should be enough. I had some savings, so for a while money won’t be a problem. I should have called to my employer and say that I won’t came back to work, but in the end, I just send him an email. I didn’t have strength to speak with someone. I could think just about Victor who will be waiting for me at the airport. When finally everything was ready I left. The airport was far away from the city because it was huge. With the taxi, I could have gone there really quickly, but I took bus and metro and still came too early. Of course, Victor wasn’t here. It was 5:29 p.m. I couldn’t go inside because I didn’t have a ticket and I didn’t want to be with a lot of people inside. So I sat on the bench outside and waited. Somehow I could feel that I have a bit of fever, but whatever. It’s not that I got a cold, I guess it was from the whole stress. I started reading news on my phone until it died, tried to think about my possibilities but I couldn’t see any perspective in my future. To be honest, now I didn’t care about skating at all.

  
At 7 p.m. I was still sitting alone and I started to think that Victor tricked me and I was too naïve and believed him so easily. Just because of the guilt and pain inside me, he will be able to do with me everything he likes.

At 8:30 p.m. I finally stood up, with a sad smile on my face. Right, nice played Victor. Very well done. He knew that I will wait for him no matter what, so he told me to come, but at the end, he wasn’t even planning to leave today. Or maybe he left as soon as the competition had ended. It seems that I will never find out. My heart was itching, should I go back to my place or maybe to Simon’s? Shit shit shit.

  
“You’re here!” I suddenly heard the voice I was waiting for 3 hours. I turned around I saw Victor running towards me with just one bag on his shoulders, he was wearing jeans and white shirt, looking so ridiculously beautiful. “I got into the car accident so that’s why I am late, I had to leave my luggage, they will send it tomorrow directly to Moscow. If we rush we can still make it.” He was speaking with me so naturally like he wasn’t mad anymore. “What is it?” He asked after seeing my face, I looked surprised.

  
“Nothing… I thought that you won’t come.” I looked at his eyes. He seemed fine to me, so I didn’t ask anything about the accident. Maybe it wasn’t that bad. But I wanted to ask about the tickets or about the place where I will sleep in Moscow.

  
“I am not like you.” Suddenly his voice became like ice again. He knows where to stab. Right into the feelings. I forgot everything I should have asked about. Without any words, he entered the airport and I did the same.

  
It seems that he had tickets for both of us, so I just had to give my passport. It’s good that I made a new visa not that long ago, it was more like a habit, not like I planned to go to Russia, and Victor also wasn’t surprised that I have it. I left my luggage in check-in, Victor took his bag with himself. We just made in time to the place, after we entered, gates have closed. Our seats were in the first class, so it should have been really comfortable, but I felt like sitting on the needles. But not Victor, his seat was next to the window, so after he sat, he asked for a blanket and turned his face to the side of the window. After those words outside he haven’t said anything to me, and it seems that he won’t until Moscow. The flight lasts just 3 hours and 40 minutes, but I won’t be able to sit calm. His behavior wasn’t natural at all I couldn’t understand what he had in mind when he said that he will use me. Use how?

  
The plane started to move and I tried not to look at Victors side. I asked the stewardess to bring me a bottle of water. I still had that shitty fever, that’s why I felt dizzy. After I drank half of the bottle I tried to sleep but it was impossible, my cheeks were burning and I couldn’t find a comfortable position to sit. If somebody looked from the side at me, they really should have felt like they are watching a child.

  
“Victor.” Finally, I talked, when I couldn’t hold it anymore “Can we talk?” I asked silently that nobody else could hear me. He didn’t answer to me so I looked at him, this time he can’t run from me. Then I saw a reason why he wasn’t saying anything. Victor was already sleeping. I could tell this not just because I liked watching him sleeping when we were living together, but because his head was turned into my side, so I was able to see his perfect face. He looked so peaceful and relaxed and so… young. I could never tell that he is 32 years old. From his face, I could see that he was sleeping deeply like he was really tired. Maybe for some reason he couldn’t normally sleep last night, just like I? I leaned down a bit and looked at his face features, he had long eyelashes… I knew, he won’t wake up. When he was sleeping deeply like that, even a concert of a rock band wouldn’t be able to wake him. The only thing what could possibly wake him up in the past was my pain. Sometimes I felt like he is sleeping in the stand-by mood, ready to get up no matter when. I raised my hand and touched his face with the tips of my fingers. His skin was the same I remembered, so soft and smooth. Without thinking what I am doing, I touched his lips with mine. Yes, I kissed him. I did what I wanted to do so badly from the moment I saw Victor. I kissed his lower lip, then upper and repeated this movement several times. My lips were hot and dry because of the fever I had, and his were so cold but soft. Perfect combination.

  
“Don’t leave.” He suddenly murmured and I quickly pulled back my head, but he was talking in his sleep. It is the first time, I heard something like that, I don’t know if those words were for me, but I didn’t care. At least for now I wanted to pretend that everything is fine.

  
“I won’t,” I replied to him and sat back normally to my seat, the second after that, Victor laid his head on my shoulder and I finally was able to calm down, after a deep sigh, I also laid my head on his and closed my eyes just for one second.

“Wake up princess.” Victor’s voice was somewhere very far away. At first, I opened one eye, then another. He was standing in front of me, already holding his bag. Did I fall asleep? Are we already in Moscow? “Leeet’s go. It’s already late, I want to go home.” He turned around and went at the door, I jumped and caught him up. The bus took us from the plane to the airport, it was already night here. Because of the different time zones, the clock at the luggage waiting hall was showing 2 a.m. Victor waited for my luggage with me, then we did passport checking control and left the airport. What now?

  
“Vic-“ I started but someone was faster.

  
“You dumbass, I was already tired of waiting. What the hell?” I saw a small but very skinny man who was walking toward us. He had a blonde hair and clear eyes. I saw him somewhere before. Isn’t…

  
“Yurio! I can believe, you came to pick me up! That’s my boy!” Victor opened his arms and wanted to hug Yuri, but he moved away, not happy at all. Victor and Yuri were talking in Russian, but I could understand everything. He didn’t know, that Maria helped me a lot, so I was able to understand like 80% of every talk, well with talking part I wasn’t that good.

  
“Oh shut up and go into the car, if you won’t show up tomorrow at the practice I will kill you. Really.” Yuri rolled his eyes after Victor made his surprised face. “Don’t tell me you forgot… just..” suddenly he saw me, I was standing a little bit behind Victor still not sure what to do now. He looked at me for a few seconds with a poker face, then suddenly he became angry “What the hell this pig is doing here??” He spoke in Russian, so of course, he thought that I won’t understand. Remember I told that he grow up into a fine man? Forget it. He still was acting like a brat. Cute.

  
“He is with me.” Victor sighed because Yuri’s face turned red and he looked at me switching his language into English “Let’s go, you will sleep at my place.”

  
“The hell?? You already forgot what he did? And why the hell is he standing? He should be in a wheelchair!” Yuri also started speaking in English, looking at me like I was some kind of trash. Victor, you told him everything? He knows? Maybe he was the one who comforted you all the time after I left?

  
“Hey, Yurio, nice to see you after such a long time.” I waved with my free hand, but he just did duck lips and turned away, starting walking towards car parking. Victor didn’t say anything, but from his face, I saw that there was some kind of secret between them. They really became even closer than I remembered. He is Yurio's coach after all… maybe Yuri gave up because he knew that Victor will tell him everything later? Yuri stopped in front one car, which seemed really expensive and walked towards the side of the driver. As he didn’t open trunk for me, I did it myself and put my luggage inside. Then sat in the car, Victor and Yuri were already sitting, both in front, so I was sitting in the back. We started moving and how should I put this… the atmosphere was horrible. I could almost see sparks coming from Yuri. I was sitting quietly in the corner not even making a sound. Moscow was huge and it took about an hour to reach the city center. Victor and Yuri talked a little bit in Russian about something, but I wasn’t trying to listen. I wanted to be invisible.

  
Finally, we stopped and I almost jumped from the car with relief and took my luggage from the truck. Just then Victor opened his door and got out from the car. Before closing the door Yuri suddenly leaned forward and spoke in English.

  
“If you forgive him, I will quit skating. Choose.” Then he closed the door himself from inside and drove off. Victor raised his eyebrow like thinking about something really interesting. How could Yuri say like that? It’s not his business, or maybe? Maybe I am right and something is going on between them?

  
Victor was living in a flat in the city center (I didn’t want to imagine how much he pays for it), on the fifth floor. We used an elevator to go there. Inside elevator was big enough for Victor to stand so far away from me, that I wouldn’t be able to reach him with my hand. When we went from the elevator, walked through the corridor, he stopped in front of big beautifully made door and opened it with a key.

  
“Makkachin I am back! Come here, love. Did that neighbor took a good care of you?” He shouted loud and suddenly Makkachin ran into the hallway, but he wasn’t looking at Victor. He was looking at me. I only managed to let go of my luggage when he jumped at me. Oh, my god, I forgot how big he was. Huge! Makkachin tried to lick my face and was jumping all the time. Jeez, he was acting like a young puppy. He remembered me and he was the only one who wasn’t mad at me. I kneeled and hugged him very tight.

  
“Hey boy… I also missed you.” I kissed his soft fur next to the ear and then looked at Victor, but he wasn’t here. I could hear some sounds in the living room. “You took a good care of him. You both are so beautiful” I said silently to Makkachin and he gave me another kiss. Now I wanted to stay here a little bit more than before. A few seconds later I let the dog go and walked where Victor was, Makkachin followed me. The flat was huge and had a lot of space. Somehow it was similar to the flat we had in Sant Peterburg. It made me feel good. When I walked into the living room, Victor was sitting on the couch with a glass of red wine, looking at the window, but when he heard that I came in, he turned his face into me and licked his lower lip. I still remember the taste of it. What now? Maybe I just should ask where I can sleep? I wanted to ask, but Victor spoke first leaving me with a wide opened mouth.

  
“Strip. Take off your clothes. All of them. Now.”


	7. Chapter 7. Yuuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He will be teasing me, using me and hurting until I will break. Until I will feel the same he felt. Until he will make me forget what it means to be loved by someone until he will erase his old memory from my head. He wasn’t holding me, I could have left and never come back, live with those happy memories I had. But I couldn’t. How I can leave him again, even if he is not the same Victor I knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey ho!
> 
> This chapter is a little bit strange, but I don't like creating a story with missing parts. Victuuri needs to start moving and doing something, create a new type of relationship that's why everything begins from situations like this. They need time to understand each other and every situation where Yuuri breaks also breaks Victor from the inside.
> 
> Some little spoilers for chapter 8 ---> Practice. Yuri vs. Yurio. Victor's past.
> 
> Thank you for everything! (Yeah, I can't stop thanking you)  
> Vitavili

What. At first, I thought that I started hearing things. He just told me to strip for him? In the past I even wouldn’t have hesitated, what's  a big deal to take off your clothes in front of your lover? I think at that time I would have even asked if I should dance too. But now everything was different, there was no love in his eyes, and in the tone of Victor’s voice, I couldn’t hear any sign of warmth. He wasn’t asking me, he ordered. I stood in the middle, still hoping that he will say that it was just a joke. Makkachin came in the room with me, but after few moments he went towards the couch, jumped on it and lied down putting his head on Victor’s laps. It’s not the time to be one his side! Victor was waiting in silence, still looking at me not drinking his wine, just holding the glass.

“If you won’t strip, you can go back to London.” He said calmly, putting his free hand on Makkachin's head, the dog yawned, obviously he was really happy to be with Victor again. I wished I could say the same right know. He said clearly if I don't take off my clothes now, I have to go back. Did he hate me so much? Is that what Victor had in his mind when he said about using me however he wants? Is humiliation one of those things he wanted to do to me? What happened to that sweet man I knew? All that was left of Victor I knew - his appearance. What size of the scar he had in his heart? Will I reach it someday to make that pain go away?

With trembling fingers, I started lifting t-shirt I was wearing. Believe me, it wasn’t sexy at all, my hands were like made of wood. It was the first time in my life I had such a problem in taking off  t-shirt. Finally, when I did it, I threw it on the floor. I don’t know why suddenly I started feeling really cold? Because of Victor’s iced gaze? After I became shirtless I looked at the man on the couch, he showed with the move of the glass to continue. I pressed my lips into a narrow line because they also started trembling. Yuuri, be strong. I started unbuttoning my pants, it took some time, the button just didn’t want to move. Any other would have already lost his patience, but not Victor. He sat there watching my failures almost as he was enjoying this view. Finally, I was done with my pants button and started taking them off, at first one leg, then another, at the same time removing socks, as I left my shoes next to the door. So after ages, I was standing just with my underwear ashamed like never before in my life. So what now? What he will do with me?

“I said everything.” Victor sighed as like he was starting to get bored. I looked at the only one protection on me from him seeing what is going on with my body. No, I don’t want to do that, I don’t want him to see how weak I am. I wanted to stay strong because otherwise, I will never reach his frozen heart. But I didn’t have a choice, if I refuse to do this he will tell me to go and everything will be over. My heart was beating like crazy and everything inside was on fire. I obeyed. After few moments, I took off my underwear fully opened in front of him, looking down at my feet at the same time trying to hide my erection with my hands. Like it is possible.

Suddenly I felt how he touches my chin and lifts my face a little bit. “Look into my eyes. How do you feel, Yuuri?” he came so silently that I even flinched. I couldn’t give him respond. It’s pointless, it doesn’t matter how I feel because at the moment our eyes met, I forgot all the shame I was feeling, I suddenly grabbed his shirt and tried to pull him down and kiss, but Victor moved his head and then quickly stepped back. “No kisses. Kisses are made for the one you love.” He said giving me a heartbreak. No, don’t say like that. Don’t lie to me. “I just wanted to see your body and as a thought, you are weaker than before. He started going around me, scanning my naked skin with his eyes and then stopped behind me, I could feel his warmth it was giving me chills. He was so close, almost breathing into my ear. The tension was so huge, that I thought that I won’t make it. Suddenly I saw his arms, he wrapped them around my waist and touched my abs with his fingers tips.

“Ah…” the sound I made surprised even me, and I got even redder than before, but it was impossible to control it because my cock got painfully hard. Victor laughed really quietly and wrapped his fingers around my wrists, I gave up because he was fully controlling me even without any effort. He made me take my hard cock in one of my hands, another hand he crashed behind my back. I couldn’t watch that, so I closed my eyes as firmly as I could. He started moving my hand, I moaned then bit my lip to shut up, but silent sounds were still coming from my mouth. Suddenly Victor bit my neck, quickly wrapped his fingers around mine and started stroking my cock hard and fast. I screamed, from pain and from the pleasure at the same time. I came so hard that if Victor wouldn’t have held me, I probably would have fallen. Now I was breathing heavily and every inch of my body was burning. It took him just a few seconds to make me come. Isn't this a proof, how much I needed him? Guess not. He let me go and I tried to turn around with those shaking legs of mine. He was looking at me with eyes that I couldn’t understand.

“Please… Victor… please…” I begged with tears in my eyes and then I saw something from the past. His eyes changed just for one second they became like the ones I remember. My Victor, he hasn't gone. He is still somewhere there. I tried to touch him, but he stepped back again.

“Don’t. Don’t use this on me, it won’t work. Get it already. You are here because I will show you reality. The truth in this life. You can't possibly hope that you break someone’s heart and then show up again after more than 2 years without any consequences. You don’t even know what it means to be hurt.” He spoke with a serious voice and I understood that he is not joking. He will be teasing me, using me and hurting until I will break. Until I will feel the same he felt. Until he will make me forget what it means to be loved by someone until he will erase his old memory from my head. He wasn’t holding me, I could have left and never come back, live with those happy memories I had. But I couldn’t. How I can leave him again, even if he is not the same Victor I knew. He walked to the table, took his glass and went out from the room. I sat next to the couch, Makkachin was gone somewhere, probably already sleeping. Good that he can’t understand what’s going on.

I opened my eyes and saw blood, a lot of it. I was screaming from the pain and leg was strangely twisted, I was able to see bone. Oh, my god, it hurts so much. It hurts. It hurts. Victor! But he wasn’t next to me, he was standing somewhere in the huge crowd, just watching at me with his cold look. I suddenly jumped in bed again all covered in sweat. Was I in bed? Bed? How it happened that I am in bed? I remembered that I sat next to the couch and then… maybe I just passed out. Did Victor carry me here? This bed was king size, not for one person, more like five. Makkachin was sleeping right next to me and I suddenly hugged him putting my nose in his fur. Even my nightmare wasn’t that scary anymore. I held him until I stopped trembling.

“Where is Victor?” I asked Makkachin like he could answer me.  Now I am sure that this bed was Victor’s. All bed sheets were full of his smell, but he wasn’t here. Where he went? I tried to hear something but it was quiet around. I got up from the bed, I was still naked and my skin was sticky from the sweat. I really needed to take a shower now. The bathroom’s door was right next to the bedroom so I went in. I was trying to finish everything as fast I could just in case if Victor comes back. I took one of his towels to dry myself and then tied it on my hips, went out. My luggage was in the same place I left it yesterday, so I took some clothes from it and put them on. Holding towel in my hand I went to the living room, my clothes from yesterday were still on the floor. Memories of what happened came to me like a flash, I blushed hard and tried to pick everything up as quickly as I could. As I didn’t know where to put my stuff, I left everything in the hallway, on the luggage.

The flat was huge but empty, no sign of Victor here. Then I remembered how Yuri yesterday told something about practice. Maybe he is in the ice center? I looked around, I couldn’t leave, because I didn’t have keys from the flat and Moscow was totally unknown city for me. I went to the kitchen and saw some fruits, maybe he won’t become even more pissed off if I eat one apple? I was really hungry, no surprise the clock on the wall in the kitchen was showing 3:02 p.m., I slept more than twelve hours, that’s a record. I didn’t know when Victor left, but I thought that he might come back soon. While eating the apple I went back to the living room, maybe I could learn something new about Victor from this flat? I didn’t notice that yesterday, but for this kind of huge flat it was way too empty. I turned on TV and started searching for something not in Russian. Suddenly I stopped at the gossip channel, not because I liked such a stuff, but because I saw myself. It was a recording of my performance from yesterday. Now when I was watching it from the side it really seemed a little bit strange, like I was dancing without feelings. But that was the truth. I started skating because of Victor, so now when I lost him, I didn’t enjoy doing it at all.

“We just saw yesterday’s performance in London.” A blonde girl with huge boobs started talking after the video ended. "Once Katsuki became the best ice skater in the world, in 2017 he won a gold medal in Grand Prix final. But then after he broke his leg in 2018 Katsuki disappeared from the sports industry. A few months later we heard that he broke up with the ice skating star Victor Nikiforov. Nobody heard about him since then. Like I said before watching this video, his yesterday’s performance was a huge surprise for everyone. Is he really back? Even bigger surprise was that some people saw Nikiforov going to the dressing room where Katsuki was. Maybe he will use Victor’s reputation again to win Grand Prix this year?” Suddenly I turned off TV. I? Will? Use? Victor? AGAIN? I was in shock, what the hell she was talking about. It began again, right? No one will able to stop them from trying to find out what is going on. But how could she say that I was using Victor? Maybe he said this himself after we broke up. No. Victor is not like that. Even now. I need him to come home faster.  This waiting will kill me. I searched for my phone and put him to charge, wrote a message for Simon and for Minako-sensei, just saying that I will be in Russia for some time, I didn’t say anything about Victor.

Just guess when that baka came back? It was almost midnight. I was going crazy all the day. It’s impossible to be in an apartment where you don’t even know what you can touch. I slept, played with Makkachin, even went with him to the courtyard, because he wanted to go outside so it was the only choice. I didn’t lock the door hoping that in those 10 minutes nobody will try to break in. I tried to create a new speech or even whole action for Victor. Maybe I should jump on him, tie somewhere seal his mouth with a tape and make him hear me out. That sounded like a plan. I was in the living room talking to Makkachin about my problems (see  what you have done to me, Victor?) when I heard how Victor opens the door. Who else. I got up and went after him. In the hallway, I saw his shirt, a little bit further pants. Don’t tell me that he is…

Yes, he was drunk. Totally drunk. And I knew that when he is drunk he always starts undressing, good thing that he did this at home today. I saw Victor lying on the bed, he started taking off his underwear but didn’t finish, now he was just lying and watching at the ceiling.

“Where were you?” I asked and it sounded like I was a mad wife. I think Victor thought the same because he looked at me and started giggling. Not funny at all.

“Wow, that’s domestic. I went for a drink with Yurio, hun,” he answered and took off his underwear completely. His fully naked body was graceful and muscular, with whole strength I had, I was trying not look below his abs. Makkachin run into the bedroom and jumped on the bed next to Victor, I wish I could be happy like that. But the fact that Victor went with Yurio somewhere was a bit painful. Of course, I didn’t have right to be mad. It’s his life, and there is no place for me.

“Do you have any kind of relationship with him?” I didn’t plan to ask this, but words just slipped out from my mouth. All I wanted to hear is that they are just friends. That would have been enough for me.

“Maybe. So what? Like you didn’t have any?” he said so naturally, smiling and cuddling Makkachin at the same time. Suddenly I felt something. Like something has broken inside. My heart. It was bleeding.

“No. I didn’t have anyone.” I said with trembling voice. Fuck this shit. Fuck, everyone. Why I came here again? To hear that he is fucking with Yurio on his free time and then after coming back home teasing me. No, enough. Good that he came back home drunk, otherwise he wouldn’t have told me that. I didn’t mind to be teased by him, but this is just too much. I would have never done something similar to him. I turned away. I need to go from here, somewhere far away. Victor suddenly jumped from the bed and hugged me from the back, so hard that it almost hurt. I wasn’t looking, but I could feel how his cock, which now was touching my butt, was getting harder.

“Why?” he asked into my ear. I tried to move, but I couldn’t because he was squeezing me really hard. This man was really strong. It doesn’t matter why! He has another man, why he needs me? “Tell me why, Yuuri?” he repeated because I was keeping silent, just trying to get away from his hands. He didn’t stop. Victor said this question again and again into my ear and licked it, of course at some point I broke.

“Because I love you stupid gray Russian homo!” I screamed with all I had at the moment and he started to laugh, it made me even angrier. It’s not funny at all. For Victor, everything was funny right now, because he was drunk, but I really wanted to punch him now, he turned me around and looked at my eyes.

“So you will leave me again?” he asked and grabbed my face with his palms, his eyes were shining and I didn’t know why. This moment wasn’t cute at all, but he looked as I finally had done something right. I shook my head, how can I leave him? Even if I am wrong, and he really doesn’t love me anymore, I still can’t leave him. Now he was playing with me. He knew what to say to make me change my mind. It’s so unfair. “I was teasing you, I didn’t sleep with Yurio. I just wanted to see your reaction.” I don’t know why these words made me angry even more. Why? Why he is doing this to me?! When can I trust him and when no? I didn’t even move when Victor let go of my face and hugged me. My face touched his chest, the smell of his body made me feel dizzy again. He smells so good, so mine. Victor’s arms touched my back and went under my pants and underwear.

“Victor… I am sorry that I left. I want to return. Take me back… let me in.” I murmured to his chest, maybe tomorrow he won’t remember anything about this, but I saw a chance and I took it. “Let me in…” I wrapped my arms around his waist, pressing his body to mine and kissed his chest where his heart was beating. “Aaaahhh…” suddenly I let this sound and started trembling because he started putting one of his fingers in my hole. What a strange feeling. I missed it. Even I haven’t touched there myself, Victor was the only one who could do this to me.

“Prove me, that you need me back. Let me feel it.” He started moving his finger and I moaned louder. He stepped back, I moved forward and we fell on the bed. I don't care about tomorrow.


	8. Chapter 8. Yuuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Yuuri!” this voice, where is it from? I passed out and I am dreaming my nightmare again? Victor was running towards me, or I should say sliding not with skates, with his normal shoes. What. He kneeled down in front of me and I tried to sit, he helped me. “Are you alright?” he looked at me with his blue eyes and I saw my beloved man in them, I saw my sky. Suddenly I hugged him tightly but the one who was trembling was him, not me and then I understood that he is having the same nightmare as I do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All good things are coming to the end right?...  
> No, I am not talking about this fanfic (and it's not so good :D) I am talking about me writing chapter after chapter. This is the last one until Monday because I am leaving for the weekend and I won't have time for writing :( Hopefully, I will think of some new ideas, something cute and nice :3 Victuuri :3
> 
> See you soon!  
> Vitavili

“Victor?” Suddenly something went wrong, I was lying on him, but Victor wasn’t moving. “Hey, Victor?” I lifted my head a little bit and looked at his face. Impossible. He has passed out, sleeping with his mouth opened, like we weren’t talking jus a few minutes ago. How is that even possible to fall asleep in few seconds? The main problem that his finger was still in my butt. “Hey, wake up!” I shouted out loud, even Makkachin raised his head (he was already lying on the floor), but not Victor. He was sleeping like a log. What was he drinking? From the smell, I could tell that it was vodka. Of course what else could it be? I grabbed his hand and tried to pull out the finger from my ass. I had to bite my lip, otherwise, I would have start making sounds. Yeah, that would have been strange, fucking myself with Victors' finger while he is sleeping. Jeez Christ, since when I started thinking like that. It’s Victor's influence, no other explanation.

After removing the finger I rolled down off him on the bed. I was still mad about his stupid joke, about the fact that even when he is sleeping he can tease me. Maybe that’s why this idea came into my mind. It was a little bit risky, but I wanted to show that I am not  a toy. As Victor was already naked I just had to pull him on the bed a little bit more that his head would be on the pillow. He wasn’t that easy, but my work was finally done. I covered him with the blanket and took off all of my clothes then laid next to him. Victor’s legs were cold so I wrapped my feet around his and hugged him with my hands, I put my head on his chest and started listening to his heartbeat. That was so nostalgic. We were always sleeping like that, but now he will probably kick me out from the bed after he wakes up. I was already snoozing when I felt, that Victor hugged me, of course, he was still sleeping but when he put his lips on my forehead, I couldn’t believe that it was just an accident. Maybe he is dreaming something about me? I wish.

  
In the morning I woke up because someone was groaning next to me. Victor was lying on his back with his face covered in palms. I bet his head was hurting like hell. I pretended that I was still sleeping and moved a little bit to his side then touched his chest with my shoulder, I was lying on my stomach. Victor turned his head I bet he saw me and understood what happened.

  
“Oh…god, I don’t remember anything. Hey, wake up, Yuuri.” He touched my shoulder and shook me, I could have pretended that I didn’t feel it, but he also knew me well, my sleep wasn't deep. Slowly I opened my eyes and rolled on my back, searching for my glasses, if I remember well after removing my clothes I left them on the night table next to the bed. I put them on and then looked at Victor, he was looking at me with a great shock. He really doesn’t remember what happened. “Did we… had sex?” After his question suddenly I felt a little bit braver. Now he was the one who knows nothing.

“Who knows? Maybe. I don’t remember well myself.” I sat on the bed and sighed, Victor’s look was unreadable. But the first time I felt good about it. “I mean, it’s not that it was our first time. Thank you for saying those cute words yesterday. I will bring you some water.” I jumped from the bed, trying to look that my back hurts a little bit and went to the kitchen not even putting my underwear on, Makkachin followed me, I bet he was hungry. Victor didn't move, but he looked like someone had punched him in the face just now. That was one of the funniest things I have ever done. I gave Makkachin some food and water, then took a clean glass and poured some water for Victor. When I returned he was in the same position, I slowed my movements before entering the bedroom. ”Here you go” I gave a glass to Victor and sat on the bed, covering my legs with the blanket. He took it without even saying thank you, but I didn’t mind, not today. It was fun enough to look at his face, as he was trying to remember something that never happened.

  
“Are you feeling alright?” Suddenly he asked, I saw  that he really took this thing into his heart. He lifted his head a little bit and drank water, all of it then put the empty glass on the night table on his side. “What did I tell you?” he turned his head to me. It was almost sad to look at him. Loving me is such a bad thing for you, Victor?

  
“Yes, I am fine. You were really gentle.” I lied and I even didn’t blush, I mean, almost like master level. The feeling I had now was like when we had to play different roles on the ice, like actors, it was something similar. Suddenly I remembered my first dance which choreography was made by Victor. Yes, I was feeling like Eros now. “Hm… you told me that you still love me.” I said putting a smile on my face and Victor closed his eyes. He really believed me, I could see how he was trying not to look worried. So he really loves me after all, just doesn’t admit it.

  
“I was really drunk I suppose… to say such a thing.” He tried to be cool again, but this time it didn’t work that well. He turned his back to me and covered his head with the blanket. “We will leave in two hours, be ready.” That was the sign that he wants me to go. And I did it without saying a word. Finally, I was feeling happy inside. He just admitted that he loves me without even knowing it. It was enough for now.

  
We left after 3 hours because Victor was showering for ages. I just came back from the walk with Makkachin, the neighbor who was living next to us, told me about that huge park not too far away from us, where you can go with dogs. So I did, leaving Victor alone with his morning depression. We went to the ice center by taxi, because Victor wasn’t in good condition for driving, he watched the city from the window. We entered the center and I put on my ice skates then we went to the ice rink. Yurio was already here. Until now Victor hasn't said a word to me.

  
“Yuuri, go and do the warm-up,” Victor finally said silently and went a little bit further to watch us from the distance. As soon as I touched the ice, I saw Yurio sliding so fast towards me that I needed to move back.

  
“What have you done to him?” He asked with an angry voice. “He was just recovering, why the hell you had to show up?” I sighed and started sliding, at first just forward then also backwards. Why I have to explain something to him and why he cares so much how Victor feels? When he blocked my way again, I stopped. Okay, let’s sort out everything, once and for all.

  
“I don’t understand what it has to do with you?” I raised one of my eyebrows “We are adults and believe me, we will figure something out. Please stay out of it, okay?” Yurio wanted to say something, or maybe even start punching me (his face was really angry) when we heard Victor's voice.

  
“I don’t see you two doing warm up!” He shouted looking at us and I turned my back to Yurio, that’s the end of the story. I slid backwards and then did double toe loop jump, I am not in the mood for jumping at all today. With the corner of my eye, I suddenly saw how Yurio is doing triple toe loop jump. I stopped. Are you kidding me, he is testing me? Like I could lose to him. I started to slide while spinning and did triple flip and loop jump combination. Yurio smiled like asking if  that is all I got, after that he proudly did double Salchow flip jump combination. After few more jumps, it turned not into a game, but into some kind of competition. Other people who were skating stopped to watch us, but for me, it was not about winning, it was about proving that he is wrong. After about 15 minutes I was already tired but none of us wanted to give up. After Yuuri did quadruple flip jump, the signature of Victor I decided to end this. The jump I wanted to do was the most valuable of all. Quadruple Axel jump, it’s hard like hell and I succeeded in doing it just once, at London competition, until now I don’t know how I did it. I saw that Yurio opened his mouth from surprise when he saw what I want to do. There is nothing better than this. I jumped and I think I did all rotations, but I ended up falling. And of course, I had to fall on my right knee. I let something like a moan from my mouth. Just don’t cry, don’t cry. It hurt really bad. I was lying on the ice and waiting for pain to go away.

  
“Yuuri!” this voice, where is it from? I passed out and I am dreaming my nightmare again? Victor was running towards me, or I should say sliding not with skates, with his normal shoes. What. He kneeled down in front of me and I tried to sit, he helped me. “Are you alright?” he looked at me with his blue eyes and I saw my beloved man in them, I saw my sky. Suddenly I hugged him tightly but the one who was trembling was him, not me and then I understood that he is having the same nightmare as I do. I hugged him harder.

  
“I am fine, I just fell, but it’s fine.” I murmured really quietly that he would be the only one hearing this. I felt that he nodded and then he stood up, taking me with him. It was hurting but the pain wasn’t so bad, I let Victor go and tried to smile but he wasn’t looking at me anymore he became cold again. Victor what is holding you…?

  
“Yurio help Yuuri get to the restroom and then come back. Yuuri this is all for today.” He saw that I wanted to contradict so he spoke again before I said anything. “I saw what you can do today, so now I will have to think about the program, without it, we can’t work.” He walked back from the ice rink and Yuuri came and wrapped his arm around my waist, I was sliding just with one foot. He wasn’t happy about helping me, I also wasn’t, but somehow I felt thankful. We went to the restroom and I sat on the chair, stretched my right leg, touching knee until I found the part where the pain was the worst.

  
“Don’t say anything. Just don’t. You won. Are you happy now?” I sighed and started rubbing that place where I felt pain, sometimes it helps. I just wanted him to be gone, I wanted to think about what happened on the ice not about me losing to him. But Yurio didn’t move so I looked at him. His face was different than usual. It wasn’t angry just thoughtful.

  
“When you disappeared, Victor started searching for you. He didn’t care about ice skating, about sleeping or eating. He was like crazy couldn’t find a peace inside. After that he became really depressed, he started dreaming nightmares and they got worst and worst, he was pathetic. At the end, he tried to suicide. Three times. It got really serious. The third time he almost succeeded. After that, he went through a lot of psychologists and other medical crap. Everything came out into open and became a huge scandal. Finally, doctors made him forget you and start everything from beginning, he didn’t want to give up at first, but somehow after a long time it started getting better, he changed. Everyone admits that he is not the same, but he is trying his best. He is trying so hard. That’s why I couldn’t believe that you came back like everything is just fine and now you are making him do that sad face again. I just… hate you. Very much. Honestly. Be smart and leave before you have done something again.” After his words, Yuri showed me his middle finger and left. I didn’t have words. I couldn’t move. I was thinking  just about those words that Victor was trying to kill himself because of me.  I was sitting in that village and sobbing while Victor almost gave up on his life because of me. Why… Victor why. Now I finally understood everything. His cold eyes, why he didn’t want to admit that he still loves me, why he didn’t want to kiss me and even why he was in such a shock today after I told him that we had sex. Victor…

I waited until they finished practicing and then we went together to eat in a small Russian restaurant. Most of the time we didn’t speak, everyone was thinking about something else. I ate because I had, not because I really wanted. After that, Victor called a taxi and we came back home, as soon as we entered the house I stopped and looked at my luggage.

“Victor, I am going back to London” I said and took luggage to my hand, Makkachin came to meet us, but nobody was looking at him, Victor was taking off his shoes at the moment when I started speaking and he stopped in the middle of it, he still was with one of his shoes. “And I lied… we didn’t have sex, we didn’t even kiss, just slept together. I also lied about those words you told me. The truth is that you came back drunk and passed out, I wanted to tease you.” I didn’t say why I got angry, it doesn’t matter. I just wanted Victor to know that he didn’t do anything bad. “I am sorry. Yurio told me what happened to you when I left. I just… can’t put into words how sorry I am for doing this to you. I honestly never stopped thinking about you even for one day.” I sighed it was all I had to say, I put all my heart into these words. Before going out I looked at his face for one last time.

  
Victor was looking at me, the blue color that reminded me of the ocean, sky and ice now got another name, the name of the flower, the name was strange but somehow I couldn’t think about something else now. Forget-me-not that’s the name of the flower, the color of it is exactly the same as Victor's eyes, the color that you can’t forget. Because once you see it, it will go straight into your heart. Victor didn’t say anything to me but when he clapped with his eyes I saw something pure and heartbreaking. Tear. One tear was slowly going down from the side of his eye through his perfect face. This was his answer.


	9. Chapter 9. Yuuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Yuuri…” he spoke and took my hand, the same one I raised before, my heart started beating so fast when he put my hand on his chest and I felt Victor’s heartbeat. It was so strong and fast… Until now I couldn’t believe that this heart almost stopped because of me. “I… don’t know what Yurio told you exactly, but… I want you to hear this from me, not from him. I… want to try again. If you want the same. I won’t deny that it was hard, that everything that happened really hurt me. And I am not proud of some of my actions. I wanted to believe that I forgot you, I was sure that I don’t love you anymore. But at the moment when I saw you in London, I understood that… “

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I am back with the new chapter! :D  
> So... Victuuri is back together, loving each other with everything they got, showing love in the public!  
> Kyaaaa~~~~  
> And then in the end of the chapter baaam!  
> You thought that it's already the end? Noooop, everything just started! They have long path to go :o
> 
> Now about the next chapter. Every tenth chapter will be called EXTRA/SPIN OFF or OTHER story. This time you will get EXTRA story about Victor's past from his side, from the day Yuuri left until today (get your heart ready). So the main story continues from chapter 11 ^-^
> 
> And oh, thank you SO much for Comments, Kudos and Bookmarks !! it's my first work so I never thought that I will get so much love. I will try to do my best with this work!
> 
> See you soon,  
> Vitavili :3

It’s hard to say that he was crying because, in the end, just one tear came out, but in it I was able to see every moment of pain he went through. Everything he felt, everything that Victor was holding inside came out with just this pure and a bit salty water drop from his heart. In our relationship crying baby was I. Victor never showed his emotions that openly. He was more smiling sunshine type, at every turn of his path searching for something good. I saw him few times when he was really sad, but he didn’t cry, he just made that heartbreaking face, and I was able to feel how everything around him turns into dark colors. But he never, even once, told me that he wants to be alone. No matter how he felt, he always wanted to be with me.

  
I remembered one time when some newspaper wrote about him ugly lies and everyone around started talking about that, Victor became really sad. He knew that gossips are the cost that we have to pay for popularity, but it still hurts every time. At first, I thought that he wants to be alone, so I left him some space and went to the living room, sat on the couch and tried to read a book, but just a few moments later he also came, laid next to me and put his head on my lap. He didn’t say anything just closed his eyes, I started playing with his silver hair, kissed his forehead, he smiled and told me that here is the only one place where he always finds peace.

  
I was different from Victor. At those times when I was hurt, I always wanted to be alone for some time, just think about everything and then maybe talk about it. Victor was patient he always waited for me and I was grateful. I thought that we understand each other... I thought that our love is stronger than anything else in this world. It was the first time me seeing Victor crying, other time when I was lying in hospital with the broken leg, I heard his cries but he never showed them to me. He wanted to be strong for me, for both of us… but now, in front of me, I saw a broken man. That one he was hiding all these years from me.

  
“Victor…” I said letting go of my luggage and stepping forward. Suddenly I felt a stitch in my heart. I have never seen anything more painful in my life, honestly, this view was more that I could deal with . He shook his head and went one step back, wrapping one arm around his waist, protecting himself from me.

  
“Niet. Nie podkhodi” he said in Russian “No. Don’t come near”, that was the signal that he is not himself anymore. He wasn’t thinking about language, about the true meaning of his words. He just wanted to protect himself from more pain, but I stepped again towards him, not taking my eyes off him. “Ya skazal, niet.” He said “I said, no”, but this time his voice wasn’t that strong, it was like a quiet wind, Victor started breathing heavily and went another step back, touched the wall with his back. He has nowhere to go. I reached him with two more steps and grabbed his shirt then pulled down him so strong that I even surprised myself.

  
“I am going back to London because…” I repeated not letting him move “I have to take all my stuff I left there. I am moving in and I don’t want to hear no.” I said with serious face making him almost open his mouth of astonishment. He didn’t expect that. To be honest, that was my plan from the start, just I wanted to make my comeback a surprise, but I haven’t thought he will break like that. He was pretending so strong until now. But I was also acting stupid, playing with his heart… I didn't have any idea that he was suffering so much.

  
“Moving… in?” Victor asked, his voice cracked. He was looking at me with the eyes of a child. He was still surprised so much like I have said that the end of the world is coming. I nodded keeping my serious face, then reached his face with my lips, and kissed the corner of his eye, the spot where the tear came from. I did it very slowly and gently.

  
“Will you take me to the airport?” I made a little step back letting go of his shirt. He was thinking, but I already knew his answer. I watched how Victor put his shoe back on and took his car keys. I bought my ticket to London when I was waiting for him and Yurio at ice center. Believe me, I paid a lot, but I had to do that now. I have made my mind and I'm going to prove Victor that everything will change. Yurio speech didn’t have that effect on me, as he thought it will. It just made me realize that I was blind, that I have to do something about my mistakes.

  
We went outside leaving poor Makkachin without giving him any attention. I waited next to the street, while Victor drove his car from the garage. I put my luggage in the truck and sat in the front seat. Victor was wearing sunglasses and as soon as I sat he started driving. We didn’t talk, but I felt that atmosphere around us changed. It was somehow more relaxed than before, but I saw that Victor’s hands were tense. He was still thinking about my words. The man stopped his car at parking next to the airport but was still holding the steering wheel.

  
“I am going,” I said. He still was looking in front of him. “Victor.” I turned sideways and took off his sunglasses. “You will trust me again. I’m going to prove it, that I deserve it.” He finally looked at me and suddenly leaned forward but I raised my hand. “Save it for my comeback.” I also wanted to kiss him so badly, but not only Victor, I also have to feel that I deserve it.

  
“Yuuri…” he spoke and took my hand, the same one I raised before, my heart started beating so fast when he put my hand on his chest and I felt Victor’s heartbeat. It was so strong and fast… Until now I couldn’t believe that this heart almost stopped because of me. “I… don’t know what Yurio told you exactly, but… I want you to hear this from me, not from him. I… want to try again. If you want the same. I won’t deny that it was hard, that everything that happened really hurt me. And I am not proud of some of my actions. I wanted to believe that I forgot you, I was sure that I don’t love you anymore. But at the moment when I saw you in London, I understood that… “

  
“Wait.” I stopped him, pressing my hand harder to his chest. I was feeling how his heartbeat is going through my whole body. I wanted to hear his words, I waited them for so long. I dreamed him saying that so many times. But not now. “Victor… I want you all. I want to get back every inch of your body I lost, I will collect pieces of your heart and put them back together. I want to talk to you so badly. Every day, every night… I have so much to tell you. Wait for me. I will come back, this time permanently.” From my wallet, I took my business card and gave it to him. There was written my number. His eyes were running around my face, like trying to remember how I look like. I took a deep breath and went out from the car, then took my luggage from the truck and rushed to the airport. I just made in time for the flight.

It took me 2 days to take care of everything. I had to go to the bank, to close my bank account here, I will open a new one in Russia, then I had to take care of a stuff in the hospital, I had to take from there my health history, just in case if I need it in Russia. In the hospital I met Simon, he didn’t have much time, me neither but we talked a little bit about what happened and I saw that he was almost happier than me. Simon told me, that they will come to Moscow to visit me and I gave him keys from my apartment in London. He can use or do with it whatever he wants, this was my thanks for everything. I also officially left the job in the bookstore. I took all clothes and some of the most important stuff, everything else I left for Simon, he can throw it away or keep it. I don’t need any stuff that reminds me of these years without Victor. Spending my last night here in London before leaving I was chatting with Victor, we talked about random stuff, because everything that is important has to be said eye to eye. Now I was sure about it. 

_I am going to sleep, I need to wake up early in the morning. My plane lands 4:23 p.m. in Moscow time._

  
**_I will wait for you at the airport. Goodnight. Dream about something sweet._ **

_About you?_  
  


**_:)))_ **

I smiled and put my phone to charge then closed my eyes. Sadly I still had my nightmare I think sometimes you just can’t control your mind. When I opened my eyes something was strange, I think it was too bright. I took my phone but it was dead. Oh, fuck… it didn’t charge. I forgot to plug in the charger. What time? What time is now?? I had 40 minutes to reach the airport. I ran from my home like crazy, took a taxi… but I still didn’t make in time. Check-in closed in front of my eyes. God, what to do… I rushed to the information and asked them since I had a first class ticket they told me that I can take another plane, but that one doesn’t go directly to Moscow, I will have to change plane in Amsterdam very quickly, that’s why I will arrive in Moscow 2 hours later. Also, I will have to fly with economic class. But I didn’t care so I accepted what they told me and rushed to the check-in then to gates. I was so worried, my phone was dead so I couldn’t write Victor and tell him what happened. He will think that I left him again. My heart started beating so fast. Oh, my god… I was hoping that Victor will just go home and then I will come there and explain him everything. Just please… don’t go to Yurio’s place or somewhere where I wouldn’t able to find you. Please, don’t do anything stupid. I am coming… I am coming.

  
I swear those 5 hours felt more like 3 days, it seemed that I was flying forever. When the plane from Amsterdam finally touched the ground I was the first who waited to take off the plane. The bus which took as to the airport was super slow, also it was raining like hell, so even from those few seconds outside, I was soaking wet. I almost decided not to wait for my two huge suitcases, whatever... I can come for them another day, but luckily all the luggage came pretty fast and mine was first in the line. Moscow was helping me, but time was definitely against me. The clock was showing 7:16 p.m. I need to catch a taxi and pay for them twice to drive faster. I rushed from the gates with my two heavy suitcases, looking terrible… Because my shoes were also wet so I was sliding on the floor running towards to the exit when suddenly I saw silver hair. I stopped.

  
It was Victor. He was sitting on the bench with his head bowed, holding on his hair, as he wished to pull them off. Oh god. I almost sat on the floor, because suddenly my legs weren’t holding me. Somehow I started going towards him, at first slowly, then faster and faster I left my luggage somewhere behind me and last steps I almost slid and then kneeled in front of him. My heart started shaking so fast that I felt it in my throat. My whole body was shivering from the cold but my cheeks were burning. He waited for me… He waited for me… Victor felt that someone is in front of him and raised his head. His eyes were red and face so white, I saw black circles around his eyes as he hasn't slept this night at all. He opened his mouth and looked at me like seeing for the first time.

  
“Hey… tell me… now you can tell me…” I smiled to him and grabbed his arm, this time putting his palm on my chest. Because of my wet clothes and cold body heart was beating even stronger and faster than always.

  
“At the moment when I saw you in London, I understood that… I still love you with all I have.” He said silently still surprised but I saw that his tired eyes start to shine again. I finally heard what I wanted. I smiled so hard that even my face started to hurt, suddenly I jumped on him, wrapping my arms around his neck and kissed Victor so hard, putting my tongue in his mouth right away. He hugged me grabbing my wet shirt so strongly that I thought that it will tear. I silently moaned and put my fingers in his hair kissing him like crazy. Finally after ages feeling his lips on mine, his tongue around mine, how his breathing is mixing with mine, how our heartbeat becomes one. And we did it in the airport, with all those people around. They didn’t exist for us. After we finally were able to stop ourselves I touched his forehead with mine breathing fast and smiling like I just won gold in Grand Prix final. It was much more. I just won the gold of my life. “That was a nice first kiss. I understand why you didn’t let me kiss you in the car” finally Victor also smiled and kissed my nose.

  
“Yeah… it’s a welcome back kiss and I want to continue it in our bed.” I stood up with Victor and took his hand into mine. I will never let him go now. No matter what. He murmured something about that we have to hurry up because he also hasn't finished with that kiss. We took my suitcases and left the airport. Victor came with the car so we got in and when I was fastening my belt, he suddenly leaned forward and gave me another kiss. I grabbed his face and started kissing like we haven’t done it just a few moments ago. Victor started leaning forward on me and when he touched my crotch with his hand I couldn’t hold the sound. “Nghnnn… Victor… please, I want to do this in bed” I asked. Our first time after everything has to be different.

  
“Okay okay.” He said impatiently and pulled back. “Then I have to drive fast.” He sighed and started the car. I started laughing imagining that inside Victor is feeling the same as I do. At our way I explained what happened to me, he nodded and told me that he knew that I will come, that’s why he waited. He was driving so fast that I was scared that we are going to get caught, but in the end, he stopped in front of the house, it took us half of the time compared to the time we were going with Yurio. Him… Yurio… what he is going to think about this situation? Is he really ready to quit skating?

  
Victor gave me a key from the flat, I went from the car and entered the building. Victor drove the car to the garage so I will wait for him inside. I said to leave suitcases in the truck we can take them tomorrow. With elevator, I got to the fifth floor and went outside smiling for myself.

  
“So you came back after all.” Suddenly I heard a voice. It was Yurio, he was standing right next to the door of our flat. He knows where Victor is living. What the hell is he doing here? “I think I told you to go and never come back.” He said going towards me.

  
“Yurio… Hey. I know that I was wrong… and I am ready to take responsibility for what I have done. Listen let’s just talk all together…” I started speaking, somehow now when Victor was mine again, I was ready to accept Yurio. “I know that Victor is also important to you and that you took care of him… What do you thin-“

  
“Fuck you, damn pig. I had enough.” He spoke with shivering voice, not letting me finish my sentence. I wasn’t ready for that, I wasn’t expecting this from Yurio. He suddenly raised his hand and punched me in the face, actually right into my nose. I pressed my nose with palm, letting out a groan. Shit, it hurts like hell. It started bleeding so much, I couldn’t hold it, I started looking for the handkerchief because blood was going everywhere, on my face, into my mouth on the floor. I didn’t even have time to ask Yurio what the hell he was doing. I also couldn't stop tears, they started going so fast mixing with blood. Jeez, I was afraid that I will start choking with my own blood. Actually, I did, because after this I felt a kick in my stomach, I screamed out loud hitting the wall with my back. I started choking and fell on the ground. Yurio stepped on my throat with his shoe. “G.e.t. O.u.t.” He said slowly and after watching me for a few seconds, how I was trying not to choke, he hit my head with his foot. This is the last thing I remember.


	10. EXTRA. Victor's past.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So they made me move out from my flat in Sant Peterburg, I started living in Yakov’s place in Moscow. They made me eat. They made me sleep (for that I had to drink a pill before the night), then they made me take care of myself and finally they made me step on the ice. I hated that. Everything I was doing with pain, with force. I was living the life, just because they were too selfish to let me go. They thought that they know what I am feeling, what I want. But they were wrong. I still had my nightmares. I still was searching for Yuuri… I still didn’t want to live. Everything was over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the first Extra chapter. Like I said it's about Victor's past, from his side. Some of the things I haven't mentioned, But just because I want to keep them for the main story ^^  
> Victor's past is dark and he doesn't like to talk about it because we all love sunshine Victor, right? :3
> 
> In the end, you can see how Victor meets with Yurio. Guess where Yuuri really is?  
> The next chapter continues the main story from Yuuri's side ^_^
> 
> Enjoy this heartbreaking chapter!  
> Vitavili

**2019, February 14.**

  
I opened my eyes and saw snow. It was falling from the sky, like dancing, very gracefully. Those snowflakes were fragile, but together they made a wonderful view. That’s one of the reasons why I loved to live on the eleventh floor. The view from here was always amazing, but when it starts to snow it looks more like magic, not a reality. Not everyone has this opportunity. Not just to live on the eleventh floor but also to see a snow. Also, not everyone had someone to share this kind of thing. But I had everything. The love was also a beautiful thing, love was something that made me want to go forward, to find happiness around everything and everyone. Especially Yuuri.

  
I turned around on another shoulder, it was a rare thing to wake up earlier than Yuuri. He was usually the one who watched me sleeping. My heart felt so light. I hoped that Yuuri after yesterday will open up for me and we can talk what he is feeling and what we can do together about it. Ice skating was important for both of us, but even without it, we can continue our lives. As long as we are together there is nothing impossible. So I turned around with a smile on my face at the same time stretching my arm to touch Yuuri’s hair. But he wasn’t here. At Yuuri’s spot was lying Makkachin, breathing slowly and quiet, that’s why at first I thought that it's Yuuri.

  
“Maaaaakkachin” I rolled on him and hugged very tight he started wagging his tail. I laid my head on his back and looked at the door of the room. It’s strange for Yuuri to leave me in bed like that. “Daaaaarling!! Where are you? Come to bed I have to say you something!” I shouted loudly smiling and waiting for his answer from the living room or from the kitchen, but it never came. I sat in the bed. Wait… yesterday we left his wheelchair in the living room, how could he possibly go somewhere without it? I myself didn’t care about that fact that he won’t walk, I still loved him with all my heart. I loved him because I became a better person since I met Yuuri. He was my better part. “Yuuri?” I asked again, this time getting out from the bed.

  
I went through all house but everywhere was quiet and calm. He wasn’t here. Where could he go without me? In the living room, I saw our clothes from yesterday, I searched for my phone and tried to call him. But I saw his phone even before it started ringing, it was lying next to the pillow. I shout his name one more time, but there was no point I already searched all flat twice. Where the hell did he go? Did I said something yesterday and now he is mad? I wrapped one arm around my waist and went back to the bedroom thinking about yesterday’s night but I could remember just beautiful things. Makkachin now was lying on my side of the bed and on the Yuuri’s side, I saw a folded paper. So he left me a message after all. Oh, thank you, God, because I was already getting scared… he probably wrote that he went to the supermarket or something like that. I hoped that Yuuri was wearing that warm coat we bought for Russian winter. It must be cold outside. I took a paper to my hands and sat next to Makkachin, started reading it:

  
_Victor,_

  
He missed “dear” before my name. I guess I will have to teach him how to write romantic letters.

  
_I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say._

  
What? How is that possible? Just say where you went? Unless it’s some kind of a creepy place or maybe a surprise. Really a surprise! That what it must be. I totally forgot that today is Valentine's day. A lot of love! I heard that in Japan it´s really popular to give your lover a chocolate, that's where Yuuri went. I smiled almost starting to see how he will bring me chocolates in a few minutes. Okay okay, there are still something written. I started reading again.

  
_I know it's going sound dumb, but I don’t want to keep you down. I want you to concentrate on your skating and do your best for you, not for me._

  
What is has to do with my skating and keeping me down? My heart stopped for a moment. Oh no, he is still thinking about his leg too much. We will have to talk about this later. I can’t let this thing continue. He forgot that now I am skating for both of us like Yuuri asked for me. I was doing this because I thought that this is the only way to found happiness again in Yuuri’s heart, I thought that he loves me skating for him. Like before he was skating for me. For now, it doesn’t seem like love letter at all.

  
_Don’t think about me, I won’t come back. Don’t search for me, because you won’t be able to find me._

  
No. What. Suddenly I stood up so fast, that even my head started spinning. He won't come back? Don’t search for him? What kind of joke is that? It’s impossible. How can he not come back? He is my other half, how can I live without my other half?

  
_Just start a new page, forget the past and move forward, I know you can. I know that you can be happy without me. If you really love me, then please live on. Dance like you never danced before and after that become a coach that word has never seen before. Believe me, I know that you can and I know that you will. And I can promise you one, the life will be even better, it will be like I never existed. I believe you. You will always be my idol._

  
I read this part so fast, that I didn’t really understand what I was reading. That was one big lie. It must be some kind of a joke. Yuuri is not like that. He loves me, he would never do such a thing to me. He promised that he will always love me. Someone must have made him take this decision. Someone has told him something. I was sure about that. I don’t need my life if Yuuri doesn’t exist in it. I didn’t want to forget because he was also MY idol.

  
_My heart will always belong to you, but you have to give your heart to someone who is worth it. I am not that person._

_Goodbye,_

  
_Yuuri_

I couldn’t understand. How. How can’t I give my heart to someone else if it already belongs to Yuuri? He just took it away with himself. No. He is not going to leave me. I won’t let my life leave. I crumpled that paper in my hand and looked at the window. Snowflakes were still dancing in the air, but it wasn’t beautiful anymore. The dance was rough and dark.  
He couldn’t go too far away. I quickly put my clothes on, grabbed my phone and left the flat, at the same time calling to Yuuri’s parents. I need to warn them, he might be flying there.

  
**2019, February 21.**

  
“He is gone for one week now!! How you don’t understand! He can’t walk, he needs me! You have to find him!” to be honest I didn’t like people who were shouting. There was that strange stereotype about Russians that they like to shout, but it was not true. I loved smiling, I loved silent talks, talking was the same as dancing on the ice. I didn’t have to shout for people to show them my feelings. I don’t have what to hide from them. The madness was kind of unknown feeling for me. But this time… I can’t explain in words how I felt. But suddenly something broke inside me. That pain was so strong that couldn’t control my voice. It wasn’t me anymore. I couldn’t recognize my voice. It was hoarse because all this week I was running around without any normally warm clothes, with my throat opened wide. And I didn’t care about that.

“Mister Nikiforov… I understand what you are saying. But we can’t search for him because he isn’t lost. Mister Katsuki decided to leave by himself.” I couldn’t believe that police is so calm. They don’t understand that my Yuuri would never do such a thing. They don’t know him. I leaned forward… maybe I should just punch him and make to understand.

“Victor… stop. Let’s go.” it was Phichit, who came here from Thailand. He couldn’t understand what I was speaking in Russian but I guess it was enough for him to see my face. He wanted to help me to search for Yuuri. Everybody wanted. I called for every person that Yuuri knew, even for that skater in Korea. He must have been gone to some place he knows because Yuuri would never go somewhere where he never went. He hates unknown things. But the most important part is that his place was here. With me. Not somewhere with someone. I stood up and we went from Police office. It was snowing again, but now I hated this thing the most in my life.

“Hey… I know that I shouldn't say that but… hm… but Victor you need to wear warmer clothes, it’s -15°C outside…” Phitchit was wearing a huge scarf and long coat, my leather jacket was wide open, some of the buttons from the shirt unbuttoned. I just nodded and turned to the left, leaving that man alone. I almost didn’t hear what he told me. Who cares what I wear? Maybe Yuuri is freezing also now, so why I should feel warm?

**2019, March 02.**

  
“Victor! I know that you are home! Let me in you dumbass or I will kick the door out!” Somebody was shouting behind the door but I didn’t care who it was. I was sitting in my dark bedroom with the closet curtains and lights turned off, because my eyes were too sensible for the light. I like dark. Dark is good. Dark reflects what I was feeling inside right now. I was sitting somewhere next to the wardrobe in one hand holding a bottle of vodka. It was almost empty. I was trying to find a way to fall asleep. I haven’t slept for more than… I don’t remember when I slept the last time, I didn’t know when was the last time I ate. I liked the dark because in the light this flat was scary, I could see Yuuri going around it, I could hear his voice. He was asking for help, but I couldn’t help him. He was bleeding he needed me, but I was always too late. I was too late to save him, that’s why he left me.

  
Suddenly I heard how someone kicks my door out, I didn’t move. I didn’t care who it was. I was sitting there, watching in front of me, I lifted the bottle and wanted to finish the drink but there wasn’t any left. Hm. I threw the bottle into the wall and it crashed. Turning into the million pieces. So similar to the feeling I felt in my heart. But my pain was stronger. Because of it, I saw those nightmares. Because of it, I couldn’t get up.

  
“Victor, here you are! Jeez.” It was Yurio, he ran into the room and turned on the light, I covered my face with the palms. No. Not the light. I don‘t want to see it. “Oh, my god… Victor, you look so pathetic.” He kneeled in front of me and tried to move my arms, but I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to see anyone. “You have a high fever… Is that a bottle shards? Don’t move I will bring something to clean everything and then call an ambulance. Don’t argue with me.” He was talking to himself because I didn’t speak and I didn’t care. Yurio went somewhere, I turned my head a little bit. I saw a big shard from the bottle. I reached with my hand to it and took it. My hand was shaking. Yuuri was dead… I saw him today in the sea of blood. Why should I live without him? Why I deserve to be here without him? I touched the skin of my wrist with the sharp glass and slowly started pushing it, watching how red drops appears. It didn’t hurt… I almost could feel the warmth. It was warm… it’s okay. Don’t worry Yuuri…

  
“Victor I can’t find- What the hell… STOP!” the voice from far way screamed and someone grabbed my hand and made me stop. “Victor open your eyes, you hear me?!” I listened because this voice reminded me that feeling… what was that again… that someone needs you. “I am calling the ambulance, that’s enough.” I leaned forward and hugged the man in front of me with my bloody hands. Who he is… Yurio, right? Those names are so similar…

  
“He left me… he left me…” suddenly my voice started to tremble and I let that scream go. The one I was holding in me inside. I showed my pain and it spread like a virus.

**2019, March 31.**

  
“I think everything has limits, you just went too far away this time” I heard Yakov’s voice and I opened my eyes. My head was hurting so much and I felt really weak. I couldn’t remember what happened. I don’t want to remember.

  
I had that nightmare again. Of Yuuri dying, of me dying of everything turning into the dark. My death was slow. I was reaching my limits. Everything has an expiration date. Why they just can’t let me go? I clapped with my eyes. Everything was so white around me. Hospital. I hate white. Since when I learned the word hate?

  
“What happened?” I asked quietly because my throat was dry like a desert. Every inch of my body felt strange. Like it doesn’t belong to me. Like it wanted to reject everything I am. Like I don’t belong here anymore.

  
“You were found almost dead in your flat. Obviously, you poisoned yourself with some shitty alcohol and then almost choked on your own vomit.” That was Yurio I didn’t see him at first, he was standing next to the window, looking at me with that face of his. I couldn’t understand what he was thinking. Maybe how ugly I was. Well, he was right. I haven’t been shaving for months, I haven’t been sleeping or eating or skating, I didn’t take care of myself and it was alright. Until now I didn’t understand why he saved my life back then when I cut myself with the glass. I didn’t ask for it neither then neither now.

  
“Almost doesn’t count.” I laughed and sighed, somehow both men standing next to my bed didn’t. Isn’t this funny? Life is a funny thing. One second it’s beautiful and other not. Mystery. I didn’t have anything so why should I care about hurting someone? I was already dead inside. Yakov even took my dog from me, saying that person who can’t take care of himself can’t have a dog. And he was right.

  
“Victor… you need to stop this before it’s too late. If you don’t care about yourself we will take care of you. I don’t care that you don’t want to live. You don’t have right to act like that.” That was Yakov’s words. God bless this man. That’s what I thought. With sarcasm, of course. They should leave me alone.

**2019, April 15.**

  
So they made me move out from my flat in Sant Peterburg, I started living in Yakov’s place in Moscow. They made me eat. They made me sleep (for that I had to drink a pill before the night), then they made me take care of myself and finally they made me step on the ice. I hated that. Everything I was doing with pain, with force. I was living the life, just because they were too selfish to let me go. They thought that they know what I am feeling, what I want. But they were wrong. I still had my nightmares. I still was searching for Yuuri… I still didn’t want to live. Everything was over.

  
We were in practicing I was doing toe loop jump and fell. Yeeeah, from single toe loop jump. Funny, right? Sadly I didn’t hit my head just arm. But I didn’t get up from the ice, I sat in the corner and sighed then closed my eyes. The depression I felt from that dark thing inside me was getting worse and worse every day. I think one day I will reach the end. Soon.

  
Suddenly I felt someone’s lips on mine, I quickly opened my eyes. It was Yurio. Holding his lips, pressing them hard, wanting me to feel something. But everything was empty. I moved my head.

  
“What do you think you are doing?” I asked silently and got up on my feet. Yurio’s look was clear and straight. He knew what he was doing. He wanted that. He wanted me but I couldn’t watch at him in the way he wanted me to. I wasn’t able to feel anymore.

  
“Let’s try. I can be with you. I can be better than he was. You just have to give yourself to me. I will never leave you, Victor. I will never let anyone hurt you again.” I shook my head so quickly that I almost surprised myself, I even didn’t think about his words. I don’t want any kind of relationship. “I will wait. Just tell me when you are ready.” He was deadly serious after that Yurio left me thinking about something. About my life, that may be different.

  
When I came back home, Yakov wasn’t here. He went somewhere with Makkachin and that was a good thing because I wanted to sleep. I went to the bedroom and took my sleeping pills. I need to take them otherwise I won’t be able to sleep. I started thinking what Yurio had told me. That’s insane. So he kissed me. I took one pill and swallowed it. The feeling was so different from those times when I was kissing with Yuuri. I took another pill. He wants to try but I am not sure. I took the third one. Hey Yuuri, do you really think I can start my life from the beginning? I took the fourth and the fifth. Can I be reborn? After that, I stopped counting the pills. But a few minutes later the box from the pills was empty. I laid my back on the bed. My eyes felt so heavy… and my heart hurts so much. Yuuri… don’t leave. I was listening to my heartbeat. Boom… Boom… Bo-om. Boo. Bo. B.

**2021, July 18.**

  
When they asked me to come to London I wasn’t sure at first. My career as an ice skater was almost over. I was participating in some events but mostly I was working as a coach or as a judge. But I felt a little bit lazy to fly to London just for one day. I mean it’s a newbies competition, what interesting can you see there? But in the end Yurio convinced me to go, he even told me that on the next day he will come to pick me up to the airport. So I just made sure that my neighbor will take care of Makkachin while I will be gone (Yeah, when I bought new flat, Yakov gave my puppy back).

  
I think that without Yurio, without Yakov and some other friends I would be dead right now. That’s the truth. I almost died from the overdose. I took too much sleeping pills. Doctors said that my heart stopped and they thought that it’s over, but then suddenly it started beating again. “This one wants to live.” That's what the doctor told. It took me some time to understand this myself. After this, I don’t know how but the news about me trying to suicide spread out. It came into the open and everyone started talking about my depression. This made me realize that there is a lot of people who needs me, who supports me despite the fact that I am not worth it. It was hard at first, but somehow everything passed. And I started a new life.

  
Going to the psychologist was Yurio’s idea. At first, I was skeptical about this, but the women who were working there did something incredible. She couldn’t eliminate my pain or heal my broken heart, she even couldn’t make my nightmares go away, but she convinced me that I can replace sad things with something new. I needed to accept my past and see it as a lesson. That’s why I was carrying Yuuri’s last letter with me. To remind me of that lesson I had. I was reborn. I was strong. I built walls and protected myself. I even tried dating Yurio but at the end, we both saw that this won’t work out so now be were just good friends and I was his coach. He asked me for that, and let’s say it was my thanks for everything he has done for me. When I won gold at 2019 Grand Prix I knew that I finally can start again. From the past, I had just a few things left: letter, nightmares, scar on my wrist and a little bit weak heart (because of the overdose). It was a mark I had to accept. That’s all. Yuuri was in the past. I didn’t love him. I forgave and forgot him as he did with me.

  
London competition began and I was sitting there almost yawning. It was boring as I thought. Those kids don’t have any chance to win. I was drawing something on the corner of some papers, thinking how sad is that Yurio won’t participate in this year Grand Prix when I speaker suddenly turned my world upside down. Again.

  
“Let’s meet our next participant Yuuri Katsuki!“

  
That‘s what he said. I raised my head and wall inside me cracked. I wanted to believe that I forgot him, I was sure that I don’t love Yuuri anymore. But at the moment when I saw him in there looking at me with his brown eyes (Standing on ice with his feet!!), I understood that I still love him. And that I will do everything to make him mine again. This time he will beg for me to let him inside. And I will do everything that it takes to tie him down.

**2021, July 24 (Today).**

  
I think sometimes you just can’t give and order to your heart what to feel and what to feel not. The pain was gone, it was like I have never been hurt. This was fantastic. Love hurts, love heals. Jeez, I don’t remember when was the last time I thought about love so much. I parked my car in the garage and started walking towards the elevator. Not just walking almost jumping from excitement. Yuuri. Yuuri. Yuuri. Yuuri. I repeated this name in my head so many times and it felt better and better. Like a song. I wanted to push a button to call out the elevator when the door opened themselves.

  
“Yurio? What are you doing here?” I stepped back with surprise. I told him that I am going to the airport to meet Yuuri but he didn’t say that he will come. How to say… I really don’t have time for guests right now I need to go to the bed... I mean flat.

  
“I just wanted to talk with my best friend, so I came. I met Yuuri and he told me, that you are here. Is that wrong? Let’s go to some quiet place.” He went out from the elevator and starting going towards my car.

  
“Waaaait a second. What do you mean by meeting Yuuri? So why didn’t you wait for me in the flat?” I didn’t move. Of course, I don’t mind him to come. Yurio can be really nice when he wants. I just hoped that in the future Yuuri will accept Yurio as my friend.

  
“Because I wanted to talk just with you. Yuuri said that it’s fine you can come back when you want. I don’t like him, but let’s admit, that pig can be understanding sometimes.” True. Yuuri was understanding, if Yurio told him that he really needs to talk with me, I bet he agreed with that. But… I wanted to finish our kiss so badly. I took my phone, maybe I will call him and just ask if everything is fine. I tried but the phone was turned off. I guess he still didn’t plug it to charge. “You are going with me or no?” Yurio was already standing next to the car door. “It’s about my grandpa… I really need to talk with you somewhere” he sighed and I nodded. If Yuuri really doesn’t mind, then I guess I will go. For one hour. Just in case I wrote Yuuri a message that I will be right back and then went towards the car. Well, it’s duty of the best friend, what you can do?


	11. Chapter 11. Yuuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ple-ase” I let the sound from my mouth which was similar to this word. Not my foot, not the right one. Not again. Please no no no… I started seeing again my nightmare this time it got really real. “Yurio… I beg you… not the leg. Don’t do that. Don’t… please… don’t… Aaaah!” I screamed with all my voice when he strongly pushed his foot to my knee. I bet I screamed so hard, that everyone in this floor heard me. I started choking again, tears were mixing with my blood and I could feel how it’s going into my throat. Oh, my god… my leg… my leg… it can’t be happening again. I won‘t handle it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey cuties!
> 
> I don't know why I liked this chapter myself so much. Somehow I wrote it really fast ;o  
> If you have question about my Russian which I am using sometimes here then I can say that I am not from Russia :D but I can speak in Russian, anyway it's not my first language so sorry for any kind of mistakes :(
> 
> There is nothing much to tell I just want you to enjoy this chapter and don't get too sad! As you see everything is not that bad as it seems ^-^
> 
> Oh, and one more thing. I already told this today for one of the readers but I want to say it for everyone once again. Thank you so much for reading this work and I promise that I won't lose my motivation because every hit, every kudo, every bookmark and every comment shows me that someone is reading this. You are the motivation for writing! I love you so much for this <3 You make me want to write and create an interesting story.
> 
> Love,  
> Vitavili <3
> 
> P.S. Happy belated Birthday Yuuri <3

I think I lost my consciousness just for a few seconds. It was dark, the pain was gone and then it started hurting again. I opened my eyes I was lying on my shoulder so the blood from the nose was going on the floor I could feel this strange iron taste inside my mouth, but I didn’t choke at last. I was breathing slowly through my mouth and I could feel how from the breathing my blood on the lips is turning into little bubbles, with every breath I was taking I could see how they explode. The view wasn’t clear, my head was burning in one spot, that’s why I almost didn’t felt the burning in my nose. Shit that’s bad… I lost my glasses when I fell.

  
“Hey pig, I haven’t finished yet.” The angry voice got through my ears but somehow at first I couldn’t understand what is it saying, so I didn’t move my eyes, I was still watching at the blood puddle, which was getting bigger and bigger. I have seen this somewhere. “Maybe I should break your leg again. It made you leave last time.” The voice suddenly got curious and I felt that someone starts pressing the knee of my right foot. I suddenly woke up from the slumber. I opened my eyes wide and recognized the voice. It was Yurio, he hasn’t left yet. I tried to raise my body, but he didn’t let me do it, he pushed me down with his foot and then again stepped on my knee. I moaned. No.

  
“Ple-ase” I let the sound from my mouth which was similar to this word. Not my foot, not the right one. Not again. Please no no no… I started seeing again my nightmare this time it got really real. “Yurio… I beg you… not the leg. Don’t do that. Don’t… please… don’t… Aaaah!” I screamed with all my voice when he strongly pushed his foot to my knee. I bet I screamed so hard, that everyone in this floor heard me. I started choking again, tears were mixing with my blood and I could feel how it’s going into my throat. Oh, my god… my leg… my leg… it can’t be happening again. I won‘t handle it.

  
“Tch… I hope you understood my message” he sighed and started walking, then I heard how the elevators doors are opening. My body shaking, I tried to reach my knee, but I was so afraid to look at it, it was hurting so much. My worst nightmare just repeated again. Suddenly I heard someone yelling. At first, I didn’t know who it was, but shortly after that, I understood that this is our neighbor. She heard my scream and came to see what happened.

  
“Nikolaj, bystro vyzvai' skoruyu!!” (Nicholas, hurry, call for the ambulance!) She shouted to her husband I guess. Then kneeled next to me and tried to lift my head. “Akh, bozhe moy, bednyy paren'. Derzhis', skoro vsio budet khorosho. Bystreye, Nikolaj” (Ah, Oh my God, poor man. Hold on, everything will be alright soon. Hurry up, Nicholas!). She was holding my head while I tried to split out the blood from my mouth. I forgot how to speak Russian, how to speak English... I was so tired, really. My head felt dizzy.

  
“Arigatou…” I said in Japanese not even getting that she will not understand. And then I closed my eyes.

  
I woke up again in the ambulance. I couldn’t breathe through my nose I felt something on it and inside. At least it stopped bleeding. I moved my eyes, tried to move my head at first but it was still spinning a little bit. And my leg… shit, it was hurting so bad. I can’t look at it. I don’t want to think about it.

  
“How are you feeling? We will be in the hospital in ten minutes.” I heard a voice next to me. Woman. She was sitting next to me, perfectly speaking English. She was a young doctor and had a really beautiful smile.

  
“Okay… I am feeling alright.” Somehow I said, my voice was so quiet I couldn’t take my eyes off her. She had brown hair and big blue eyes, her smile was warm and friendly. Somehow I felt calmer looking at her.

  
“Yeah… alright? You got beaten in front of your flat. Doesn’t sound alright. Do you know the man who did this?” She was talking to me not because she was really interested in my story, but because she was checking if I understand what’s going on, wanted to make sure that I didn’t get my head hurt too much. “Are you living alone?” she asked next question before I answered others. Alone? Victor! Where is Victor???

  
“Oh no… my… my…” I didn’t know if I can say boyfriend in public. “My friend… I am living with him, I need to tell him…” I tried to get up, but she pushed me back and shook her head. Where is Victor? It strange that he still didn’t come back before I was taken to the hospital. Is he searching for me now? He even doesn‘t have a key from our flat, because he gave it to me. Will our neighbor tell him what happened?

  
“Don’t move. Don’t worry we will call your friend from the hospital.” She said, but I was still in the panic, I didn’t know Victor’s number without looking at my phone. But my phone was dead. He will be searching for me. I can’t make him worry. I covered my eyes with palms and tried not to cry. Shit. Victor where are you?

  
After we reached the hospital they made me sit in the wheelchair. I started to shake my head. No, I won’t ever go to that thing again. They can’t make me. I don’t want that. I tried to explain that I can walk on my own (actually, I couldn’t), but in the end, I was still forced to sit in that devil’s chair. Oh god why… why… the women who was talking with me before drove the wheelchair to the emergency department and I got in even without waiting in the line. My whole body was shaking, I couldn’t believe that it’s not a dream. The pain was real, doctors were real. I was in the hospital again.

  
First of all, she drove me to do X-ray of my head and leg and after that, she told me that I am going to see the doctor now and he will tell the results. We were waiting next to the doctor’s office when it opened and from there went out two men, one was older with longer hair and another one really skinny black haired with a smile on his face.

  
“I will have to be careful next time. That’s it. I mean it’s just a cut Celestino don’t get overprotected. Even the doctor laughed that we came for this kind of cut.” The younger man looked at the older and showed his bandaged hand. He started to laugh, but older man just rolled his eyes. “Oh sorry.” He told me and doctor after seeing that he is in our way. Then our eyes met. My thoughts were somewhere else at this moment so I recognized the man just after few seconds. “Yuuri!! Oh my god, Yuuri! It’s you!” Phichit almost jumped after seeing me. Celestino’s mouth opened from surprise. I wanted to say something but the doctor said that it’s my turn to get into the office. “We will wait for you here Yuuri! What the hell, Celestino, did you see--?” I didn’t hear how he finished the sentence because the door closed. The doctor was a young man, his eyes were tired but he smiled. I wondered how many hours in the row is he working.

  
“Yuuri, right?” he asked in English with a smile on his face after women who drove me here left. I forgot to ask her name and say thanks. She was really nice. After today it was really hard to say the word “nice”. I nodded to the doctor, I guess I was looking really scared because doctor looked at me with sad eyes. “Okay, don’t worry. You are safe here. I heard you were attacked… what the hell is going on in this world now? Let’s look at X-ray's photo.” He tried to calm me down, but I just wanted to hear results and at the same time I didn’t. It was also a little bit hard to talk for me because I couldn’t breathe through my nose and that’s why my mouth was getting dry really fast. “Oh. I have a bad news for you.” He spoke looking at computers screen. NO! I almost screamed, he is going to tell me, that I won’t be able to walk. Jeez, no no. Not that. I started to tremble, and almost couldn’t hold my tears. “Your head was hit pretty hard so you will have to stay in the hospital for one night. Just in case. We will give you some clothes. Well, and at the same time you are lucky, it seems that your nose is not broken, but you will have to breathe through your mouth for some time, maybe two weeks. Similar feeling like having a cold, but it can hurt pretty badly sometimes. I will give you something from pain.” He was looking at the screen and writing something into the papers, I was looking at him and still waiting for the worst. “Okay… and your leg… let’s see. Oh, my. What happened here??” From his face I got even more scared, my head started to spin.

  
“I… won’t be able to walk?” I asked with trembling voice and I couldn’t hold my tears anymore. I will be stuck in this wheelchair forever. That’s my destiny, right? I can’t change it…

  
“What? No no… it seems fine. Can you move it?” He looked at me and I opened my eyes wildly. I didn’t try to do that before because I was scared but now, when he told me, I tried to lift my leg. It hurt but I did it and I sighed from relief. My tears from sad turned into a joy. “You see? It’s fine. Just don’t move too much. You will have to wear this for some time” he stood up and went to one of mobile pedestal opened the drawer, took from there something. “It’s a splint, it will hold the joint of your knee, that it won’t be moving too much. You will have to wear it for two weeks. Are you a sportsman?” he walked towards me, kneeled in front and put the splint on my knee.

  
“I am ice skater…” I said almost with a smile on my face. Two weeks? It’s nothing! When he put on the splint it even didn’t hurt that much. Oh god, thank you. Thank you so much. I wanted to hug the doctor so badly, like he had saved my life just now.

  
“Really? That’s nice. But you will have to forget about the ice for a few weeks, okay? Before I was surprised because I saw that your leg is like made back from the pieces. It looks like really good and expensive work. Can I ask what happened?” When he told me the reason I almost started laughing, I told him a quick story about what happened to me and what Simon did. The doctor was listening and I saw that he is really interested. “Fantastic. A true miracle.” He smiled at me and then sat down at the table and started writing again. I was looking at him already feeling calm. “And about your stomach, does it hurt?” suddenly he lifted my shirt which was totally covered in blood I don’t know why I blushed. He touched my abs and pressed I flinched. It hurt a little bit. He saw that and sighed. “I think that some of the muscles have been beaten, but nothing serious. You are really lucky Yuuri, it could be much worse” Alright… I understood, now you can move your hand from my stomach. I don’t like when someone is touching me too much (except Victor). He finally got back to the papers and after finishing writing he called for someone and asked in Russian to prepare ward and then come to get me. “Don’t forget to report to police what happened. Do you remember how that man looks like?” he asked and I shook my head. I didn’t want to explain him everything. It’s my and Yurio’s business.

  
After a few minutes nurse came and drove me out. I said thanks to the doctor and he waved me with a smile on his face. Somehow he was too friendly for me. Phichit and Celestino were waiting for me sitting on the bench, they stood up and came closer. The nurse told them that they can visit me after a few minutes. I smiled at them, trying to say that everything is fine.

  
So I was lying in the hospital's bed already with clean clothes that nurse gave to me and helped to put on, she also gave me some medicine from pain and said to push the call button if I need anything. I was lying alone in a big ward. Really lucky, because here was four bed in total. After the nurse left Phichit and Celestino came in.

  
“Yuuri!” Phichit rushed towards me and I thought that he will jump at me. Thank you, God, he didn’t. In those few years he hasn't changed at all, still looked like a boy. Celestino’s hair got a little bit gray, but that’s it. “The doctor who came with you at first, told us what happened! That’s so horrible. I am so sorry. How are you feeling?” Phichit and Celestino sat on the bed next to mine I turned my head to them a little bit. It was nice seeing them.

  
“I will be fine. I was lucky… it can happen to anyone, right?” I covered myself with blanket almost until nose. My eyes started to hurt a little bit because I was without my glasses. I didn’t know where I left them. Maybe they are still in the corridor. “But what are you guys doing here in Moscow?” I asked the most important question. It was really a huge coincidence that we met here.

  
“True, but not in front of your own flat… I won’t call this luck” Celestino raised his eyebrows. “We came here for one event, they asked Phichit to skate in it as a guest star.” As his coach was talking, Phichit was nodding with a smile on his face. I ignored my ex-coach words about the luck and smiled about the fact that Phichit is still skating. So nice.

  
“Yeah! And after that, we are going to Sweden for a small competition.” Phichit almost jumped after saying this, he was excited. And I was happy for him. “Yuuri, I saw your dance in London on the internet! It was stunning! I knew, I always knew that you will come back. I was right! I am really happy that you are walking again. I can’t wait to meet you at Grand Prix!” He laughed and looked at his coach. That’s why I always liked Phichit, he had a really kind heart. I smiled that was my way to say thank you.

  
“By the way, what happened to your hand?” I asked looking at it and I saw how Celestino rolled his eyes.

  
“He was cutting a pickle in the hotel when suddenly his phone rang and he flinched cutting his finger. He started to cry like a baby. End of the story.” Celestino sighed when Phichit gave him a little punch to his shoulder.

  
“I didn’t cry! Anyway… I wanted to meet you Yuuri because I heard that you came to Moscow.” When he said it I was surprised. News are spreading really fast. “But I didn’t have your phone number, we just came yesterday, I was planning to call Victor tomorrow and ask about you. Really!” He was saying this like I was looking mad about something, but my face suddenly turned even paler. Victor. Oh shit.

  
“Hey, can you give me your phone? I need to call Victor. He must be going crazy.” Phichit smiled and nodded, then gave me his phone it was already calling for Victor. “Vicky” was written on the screen. Cute. I put the phone to my ear and waited.

  
“Phichit! Hey, how are you? You are already in Moscow for the event?” suddenly I heard happy Victor's voice. I numbed for a second. He doesn’t sound like he is sad or worried about something at all. Is it really Victor? Well, the voice was his.

  
“Victor… is me. Yuuri.” I said quietly not even sure why I called him if he is so happy.

  
“Yuuri?? Oh! Love, sorry. Why are you calling from Phichit phone? Did he come to visit us? I will be back soon. Prepare him some tea or something.” Now I understood why he is so happy. He hasn't come back yet. How is that even possible?

  
“Where… are you, Victor?” I asked and my voice started to tremble. Somehow in my heart, I already knew the answer. But I hoped that I was wrong. Please, Victor, don’t say it. Just don’t. Say something different. Anything.

  
“Where? I am with Yurio of course. Why? What happened? Your voice sounds like you have a cold. Is everything alright?” his voice became worried and my eyes became wet. So that’s how it is.

  
“Yurio? I see. It’s nothing. Have a good night.” I said at the same time bursting into tears. Yeah right, so that’s how is going to be? He is taking Victor from me and Victor chose him over me.

  
“Yuuri wa-“ but I didn’t let him finish the sentence. I hung up the phone and gave it back to Phichit. Both men were looking at me with big eyes, without words. Few seconds later his phone started ringing again but I turned my eyes somewhere at the window, showing that I don‘t want to talk. Phichit looked at Celestino and went out into the corridor to answer the call. I was lying in silence. Medicine wasn‘t working, my nose was hurting like hell and tears were wiping my face.

  
“Doctor told me that you don’t remember who did this to you.” Suddenly Celestino spoke, I heard him but I pretended that I didn’t. “But I was your coach Yuuri, I know you pretty well. You are not that type of person who forgets. But you are the type who always wants to do everything by himself, without anyone’s help. You could have told that you don’t remember just for one reason. Because you know that person well” He sighed and waited for a few minutes, but I haven’t said anything, that’s why he spoke again. “It was Yurio, wasn’t it?” he asked silently.

  
I closed my eyes.


	12. Chapter 12. Yuuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Yuuri.” I couldn’t believe how his voice changed. It sounded like a different person. I blinked. He said my name with a tone full of love, care, and warmth. “I am so sorry for everything… but now I am here. You are safe.” We had to talk about everything: our phone talk, Yurio and about the whole situation, but we didn’t do it now. And I was happy. The most important fact was that he is here with me. Finally. I felt much better now. We will have time for other things tomorrow. Victor kissed my chin again and again. He loved kissing my nose, but I guess it didn’t look really good for the kisses. I took a deep breath. “Sleep love… I will protect your dreams” he kissed me again and I squeezed his cold hand harder, but I couldn’t move my eyes from him. Victor is here with me, right? I lifted my head a little bit and gave him a small kiss on his lips, my head felt too heavy to give something more. Suddenly he smiled, his hand which I was holding started going down my body giving me chills. He touched my stomach and it didn’t hurt, it’s like Victor was healing me with his touch, I let out loudly sigh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ THE NOTES. IMPORTANT.  
> Hello! ^^
> 
> It's for everyone who thinks "omg what she has done with my poor boy Yurio" :D listen it's just my fanfiction. I created everything, I don't even know if the characters of Yuuri and Victor is really that similar to the ones in anime. This is how I imagine them in future. Yup, future. We are in 2021 so we don't know how they changed in these years. In other words, I am free to write anything. If everything would have been going in 2016, believe me, Yurio would have never done anything like that. But now, who knows? I just wanted to create a story with a strong antagonist and then somehow make him understand what he has done wrong. Maybe Yurio will be the one who changes the most in this story?  
> You can be mad at Yurio, you can be mad at Yuuri, you can be mad at anyone in this story, I love your mad comments really much xD they are so funny! But just don't be mad at me for creating something new, it's my story after all. For all Yurio lovers, I can say this: I love that there is a character like him, that's why the story is more interesting. I think if you like Yurio or you don't like someone's character here then you shouldn't read this story. Because I don't want to be hated. It's a fanfiction, it's how I see things. I hope you understand. 
> 
> Another thing, I changed the main summary of the story. I like it more now ^-^  
> Oh, and on the next chapter let's hope that Victuuri will finally have sex! OMG. OMG. I can't wait to write that!  
> I don't know why I love Phichit and Celestino so much in this story! :D Cuties :3
> 
> Enjoy  
> With love,  
> Vitavili

I wasn’t talking and Celestino waited patiently. I guess he knew me pretty well to say such a thing. He was right about me, I wanted to do everything alone. This time it was personal stuff so I didn’t want to share it with everyone. The call hurt me pretty bad, but I wasn’t mad at Victor at all. It’s not his fault that this happened. I tried to imagine how everything was… so maybe Yurio got down with elevator to the garage and met there Victor, told him something. With my hurting head, I couldn’t imagine what he lied to Victor, but he believed in it. From Victor’s voice, I understood that he thought that I know where he is. Damn, he just had to come to me, why he went with that brat! Why he didn’t get up with that freaking elevator to me. Shit. I wasn’t jealous at all because I knew that Victor loves me, but I was freaking mad that he chose that punk. How the hell Yurio made Victor change his mind. I mean I was a terrible liar, so I didn’t have any idea how to make someone believe in words which are not true. Obviously, because I don’t think that Yurio said something like “I just kicked Yuuri in the ass, but he should be fine, let’s go for a drink.”

“It doesn’t matter who did this. I am fine.” I said after calming down a little bit. I knew that Yurio won’t do anything to Victor, I was the one who had to go away. Yurio was protecting Victor from me. Of course, he could have chosen another way to explain things. Why the hell I am defending him? He almost broke my leg again. I am not even talking about the nose. It’s not that I wasn’t mad at Yurio, just I didn’t feel hatred for him. It wasn’t over. Everything just began. I didn’t have any idea that he is ready to go so far for Victor. Is he in love with him?

“How can you say this? I mean you are lying here like it’s totally normal to get beaten.” I wasn’t watching at Celestino, but he said this almost angry at me. He doesn’t understand. It’s not that simple. Of course, I wasn’t some kind of masochist, but deep in my heart I knew that Yurio had his reasons and he strongly believed in what he was doing. Somehow I felt sorry for him… He must have lost his way. Or maybe I was thinking this way because my head felt dizzy.

“Don’t tell Victor. Please.” Finally, I looked at my ex-coach. The tears had already dried on my face, but eyes were hurting, I really felt tired and so sleepy. But Celestino won, I saw this from his eyes, with my last words I just confirmed his guess. He didn’t answer anything because Phichit opened the door and came back holding a bottle of water. Oh, my god, I was so thirsty.

“Victor is coming here,” he said quietly and smiled at me. I didn’t say anything. I wonder if Phichit also knows something more then he showed. And what he told Victor? “I thought that you might be thirsty, so I bought this” he gave me the bottle and sat back on the bed next to Celestino. I was so thankful to him, I opened the bottle and carefully lifted my head a little bit, started drinking. I drank more than a half and left rest for later. After putting the bottle on the table next to my bed I smiled to both men.

“You can go now, guys. I will be okay, thank you so much. We will definitely meet and talk about everything.” I tried to convince them because I bet that they were also tired, but Phichit shook his head, saying that they will be with me until Victor comes. I nodded, okay if they wish so. But I couldn't change the fact that I was almost sleeping… I watched them, saw how Celestino lips are moving, but I already couldn’t hear anything.

I woke up from the horrible sound. It was like something exploded. Guess who it was? Victor who opened the door, he ran inside like a fire, I could hear how he breaths fast and deep. I didn’t open my eyes, still was lying in the same position that’s why I heard how Phichit says silently:

“Jeez, Victor, calm down or Yuuri will wake up.” but it seemed that Victor did not care, he started walking towards me so fast that I felt how my bed is moving. Then for a few moments, it was quiet, my heart starting beating so loudly, that they must have heard it. I think he was looking at me, scanning with his blue eyes, trying to evaluate the damage. My cheeks started burning. Yes, he is definitely watching me.

“Who. Did. This?” I didn’t recognize his voice, I even almost opened my eyes to check if it’s really Victor. I have never heard him talking like that. He said every word separately putting in it so much anger, that I even didn’t know that he can feel this way. It’s not good. It’s really not good. Even I got scared, just from his voice. So I didn’t want to think about poor Phichit and Celestino who saw his face at this moment. I think it must have been like made of ice.

“W-e… don’t kn-ow” I heard Phichit voice. He even started to stutter. Jeez, poor boy. Who could have thought that Victor can talk like this? It was a surprise for everyone.

“Yuuri says that he doesn‘t remember” Celestino spoke. He was older then Victor, that’s why he sounded so calm. Or maybe he knew what Victor is feeling? “But I think that…” Oh no, Celestino, don’t tell him. I asked you not to tell him. “I think that it was Yurio.” Thank you so much, fuck fuck fuck. “He asked me not to tell you, but since he is sleeping… I think I am doing a good thing. That boy went too far.” I heard how Phichit gaps, I could almost see how he covers his mouth with palms. Oh no… I should have opened my eyes as soon as Victor came. I was so awake right know, waiting for Victor reaction. Suddenly I felt how Victor sits on my bed, it was the closest thing to sit on.

“Yurio…?” he said with a strange voice. This tone was coming somewhere from deep inside. It was quiet for a few minutes, then I felt how Victor jumps back on his feet. “Of course… oh, my god… I was so stupid.” He started walking around the room, like searching for something, I could hear how he does that. Even his steps were angry. “I met Yurio in the garage and he told me that… jeez, he told me that he went to our flat and asked Yuuri if I can come with him for a while. He said that Yuuri said that it’s fine.” Victor was talking so fast that I had to listen very carefully to understand everything. Oh. So that’s how it was. Of course, if Yurio would have done something like that for real I would have let him. That’s why Victor believed. He knew me well. But Yurio was a mystery for everyone. Suddenly Victor stopped. “I am going to kill him.” He said with deadly serious voice. He was talking the true. I couldn’t move. What. That’s really scary.

“Alright. But can you move your killing plans for tomorrow?” After a few moments of deadly silence, Celestino spoke. “So now we are sure that he did this, but first of all you have to talk to Yuuri about this and another thing is that we with Phichit have to go, so if you are going to kill now, Yuuri will be alone” Good job Celestino. He was trying to make everything into a joke. I swear if I wouldn’t feel like shit now, I would have laughed at this.

“Right. Don’t do anything reckless, because later you can regret it. Let’s talk tomorrow.” I felt a smile in Phichit voice. After a few moments, I heard how doors close, they didn’t say anything more, that’s why I think that both men waved before they left. You know that feeling when it’s so silent that you can hear almost any sound, no matter how small is it? So I heard how Victor is doing something with his phone.

“Pick up the phone, you asshole.” He said with the same angry voice, but silently. I guess he tried calling Yurio, but without any success. Because a few moments later Victor sighed. He sat again on my bed and I thought that he will just sit quietly, but suddenly he laid next to me on his side, I was lying on my back. So he sat just to take off his shoes. Victor covered himself with the same blanket and I felt his body next to mine. He hugged me and laid his head next to mine but Victor’s hands were so cold. How is that possible? It’s the middle of the summer!

“You are like a fridge,” I said silently finally opening my eyes. I touched his fingers with mine and squeezed hard. It was his hand, really. I turned my head a little bit and our eyes met. It was dark in the room, but I still saw his blue eyes, now the color was dark. Still beautiful.

“Yuuri.” I couldn’t believe how his voice changed. It sounded like a different person. I blinked. He said my name with a tone full of love, care, and warmth. “I am so sorry for everything… but now I am here. You are safe.” We had to talk about everything: our phone talk, Yurio and about the whole situation, but we didn’t do it now. And I was happy. The most important fact was that he is here with me. Finally. I felt much better now. We will have time for other things tomorrow. Victor kissed my chin again and again. He loved kissing my nose, but I guess it didn’t look really good for the kisses. I took a deep breath. “Sleep love… I will protect your dreams” he kissed me again and I squeezed his cold hand harder, but I couldn’t move my eyes from him. Victor is here with me, right? I lifted my head a little bit and gave him a small kiss on his lips, my head felt too heavy to give something more. Suddenly he smiled, his hand which I was holding started going down my body giving me chills. He touched my stomach and it didn’t hurt, it’s like Victor was healing me with his touch, I let out loudly sigh.

“Victor… your hand is freezing… ngh…” I almost moaned when his hand started going through my abs and touched the edge of my underwear.

“Shhh… visiting hours has ended, if anyone hears us they will come and kick me out. You want that?” I shook my head still looking at his eyes. Of course, I didn’t want him to leave, but how I possibly can just lie like that, when he is touching me. I gasped when suddenly his hand got into my underwear.

“Nghmmm…..” I took a deep breath and trembled. I let him put his hand where he wanted to and then I slowly moved on my side, face to face to Victor. “You are like a child,” I said and touched his face with my fingers. Yurio can’t take this away from me, this action will just make us closer. I won’t leave Victor no matter what. He was so beautiful, Victors' hair were covering his eyes, so I gently moved them behind his ear.

“You will warm my hand.” He said rubbing my cock with his hand, but it was too cold for me. For now. I grabbed his shirt and moved even closer now we were like stuck to each other. Victor touched my forehead with his lips and I closed my eyes trying to smell his scent but I couldn’t. So I touched his naked neck with my tongue. It was the only thing that I was able to taste. His skin was sweet. “Yuuri… I got so scared when Phichit told me that you are in the hospital. Don’t you ever dare to hang up the phone again, understood?” he wasn’t angry, but his voice became so sad. It was even worse. I nodded, wrapping my arms around his waist.

“I just got scared… when I heard that you are… I mean I didn’t want you to be worried, I am fine.” I suddenly changed my mind, because I almost said Yurio’s name. I will have to think of some good explanation.

“Yuuri.” He said strictly. Suddenly grabbing my cock so hard, that I moaned louder than I should have. I hope that nobody heard this. I started breathing fast and my heart raised up. “In what part of your body you are fine?” he asked not letting my bottom part go, and I started feeling how it gets hot. “Tell me the truth. Who did this to you?” Why you ask a question if you already know the answer I almost cried to him this, but at the end, I just let some strange sound from my mouth, I was squeezing his shirt harder and harder.

“A tall bold man, really beefy and wearing a black costume.” I created something in my mind. My voice was quiet it seemed that I will start crying at any moment. But what can I do? Victor’s hand was so strong and I was getting hard.

“You just described the main character from “Transporter 3” movie.” He said and sighed. He was right, he just came to my mind, I don’t know why. Victor was thinking about something for a few moments because his hand stopped squeezing me so strongly, but then he started moving his hand, my body started to tremble, I raised my head and let a silent sound right on his lips. “If you won’t tell me the truth I won’t let you come,” he said and I opened my eyes wide. Excuse me, what? It’s a fucking torture.

“You won’t do that,” I said, I wanted that my voice would be strong, but in this condition, it didn‘t work out. I sounded more like a puppy whose master doesn‘t want play with him.

“You want to try me?” he smiled with that smile of his, which told me that he is not joking. I took a deep breath and kissed him, starting moving my lips slowly at the same time I moved my hips a little bit. Shit, I can’t kiss him too long, because I can't normally breathe and all that part around my nose hurt when I was kissing him. I had to move my lips pretty soon I sighed looking into Victor's eyes, he was still smiling and touched my bottom lip with a finger of his other hand. “So? Who was he?” he started moving his hand on my cock faster but I shook my head and bit my lip before I started making sounds.

“It’s not fair… Victor.” I was saying as he started kissing my ear. And then he asked again the same question quietly. I was reaching my limit, the feeling inside was getting stronger and stronger. My heart was beating fast. I will come soon… really… just a little bit more. I silently moaned to Victor’s ear. And he stopped.

“No,” I said. I don’t know what happened, it was some kind of adrenaline rush, but I got so pissed off at the same time so I pulled Victor on me, rolling on my back. He got so surprised that squeezed my cock a bit harder and that was enough for me. I came letting moans, controlling my voice at the same time so the sounds were short and silent. After everything was over I let Victor go, closed my eyes breathing was fast and deep.

“Yuuri, you never stop surprising me.” I heard how Victor starts to laugh, he kissed me once then twice. And then pressed his lips to my ear. “Don’t worry I will take care of everything. Sleep my love.” He didn’t have to repeat me twice. I suddenly felt without strength. I remember how I tried to reach his lips, but I don’t remember if I did that.

When I woke up it was early morning, I didn’t sleep very long. My head wasn’t hurting, but my nose was like a balloon and it was painfully pulsating. My leg was alright, I tried to move it a little bit and it didn’t hurt so much. I will be able to walk. My mouth was dry again, so reached my hand to the table, when somebody gave me the bottle to my hand. I opened my eyes. I thought that I will see Victor but I was wrong.

“Good morning” Phichit smiled at me and I suddenly forgot that I wanted to drink. “I brought you some clothes, I hope they will fit. The doctor came he looked over on you and said that you can go home when you want. He left here some papers.” He was talking with a smile so happy about this, but I wanted to know another thing.

“Phichit… where is Victor?” I asked pushing the bottle hard in my hand. Shit shit shit.

“He…um… he had to take care of some business. Let’s go to your place, he will come soon!” Phichit was trying to look so happy, that it almost seemed fake.

“Business?”

_Don’t worry I will take care of everything._

Shit.


	13. Chapter 13. Yuuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s enough!” I screamed so loudly that even I didn’t recognize my voice, believe me, everyone here was acting strangely. Even these other skaters who were just standing and watching, like it’s some kind of a show. Another thing that I shouted in Russian, not in English. So Japanese man shouting in Russian, that’s a surprise, right? I got what I wanted, Victor and Yurio suddenly turned their heads at me with their eyes open wide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my darlings!
> 
> I don't know but this chapter just went longer than others ;o I hope you won't get bored of reading :D  
> Oh, and sorry, I lied, no sex for now. >_> But I think that they are totally at their limits you know :D next time they will just kick everyone out or do it in public :D  
> By the way, try guessing who is the new character? ^_^ it's not from anime I made it up :3
> 
> It's so good to feel your support and love <3  
> Until next chapter, my cuties!
> 
> Oh, and episode 9 was so good! Yuuri hugging everyone <3 <3 and then finding peace in Victor. Perfect <3 I am so glad that Makkachin is fine T_T
> 
> With love from North,  
> Vitavili <3

Suddenly I jumped from the bed totally forgetting about the fact that my right leg is not that strong at this moment, I almost fell but Phichit caught me. Omg, it’s not going to work like that I need to move fast, but with this, I will be going like a really old man. I don’t have time for walking games, I need to stop Victor before he made everything even worse.

  
“Yuuri… what are you doing? You can’t move so fast” Phichit said letting me go, he was worried about me, but it’s time to be worried about Victor who will do something bad to one of the best skaters in the world. Wasn’t one scandal enough for him? I sat down on the bed and grabbed clothes Phichit brought for me, started dressing. I saw that keys from the flat, which were laying on the table yesterday were gone. So how the hell we will get in the flat? Doesn’t matter it’s not in my plans.

  
“When Victor left?” I asked taking off the shirt hospital gave to me, putting on the black one, with a big white bear on it. What’s with these clothes? I am not ten years old. But I didn’t have time argue, a bear is okay. Why not, people looking at me still thinks that I am a teen.

  
“Um… I don’t know… he left when I came. Maybe 10 minutes ago?” Phichit was looking at my face, trying to guess what I was thinking. “Yuuri…. I don’t like this look of yours, what are you planning?” he said giving me my shoes because I already finished with putting shorts on. Shorts and t-shirt with the bear on it. Yeah, I will be 29 years old this year.

  
“Are you with a car?” Oh, that’s a stupid question, he is not living here. Phichit shook his head, but I was already thinking about something else. “Okay, please call a taxi, we are going to the main ice center.” Phichit looked at me, but he wasn’t that type of person who would start arguing because of such a thing. Phichit was one of the friendliest people I have ever met. By the way, in his heart, he also knew that I was doing a good thing. He doesn’t like people fights. Just like me. He slowly pulled out his phone from the pocket and called a taxi, while I was taking all the papers doctor left for me. It was something about medicine, I also saw a small paper with a number on it, but I didn’t have time to check what it is now. I just put everything in the same bag where my dirty clothes were and started going out of here.

  
“Taxi will be here in five minutes” Phichit caught me up and started going next to me. As I was going super slowly so it wasn’t hard. Shit, I need to walk faster. “Yuuri, can you explain what’s going on? Why we are going to the ice center?” He begged for the answer almost jumping impatiently. I saw that he is not mad just somehow super excited and curious.

“We will stop Victor,” I said turning to the left because the sign said that there was an exit. “I heard you yesterday, and I know that he went to search for Yurio.” From super silent Phichit reaction, I understood that he also knows where Victor went. He almost blushed, I think he felt guilty that I heard them talking yesterday but I wasn’t mad. “First of all, he will go home, because he needs to feed Makkachin and take him for a walk since he is home alone from yesterday. And then he will try to go to ice center because it’s close to our place. ” I said already seeing an exit door. It’s good. We can make it. Phichit looked at me with the face full of surprise.

  
“How do you know what he will do?” he opened the door and let me out. It was hot outside. I was glad that he didn’t try to stop me from going there. Phichit was on my side. I knew it. I stopped and looked around, the taxi wasn’t here. Hurry up.

  
“Because I am his lover.” I know every inch of his body, god damn. Phichit blushed so hard after I said loudly that Victor is my lover. This time I wasn’t afraid to say it in public. It was obvious, right? I mean a few years ago everyone in the world knew that it’s time to show this again.

  
“Ooooh, okay. Look, taxi is here.” He said and walked towards the car, opened the door for me. I sat inside and quickly asked for a driver in Russian to drive faster before Phichit sat and closed the door. We were both sitting in the back. To go from the hospital to the ice center takes about 15 minutes, Victor is about 20 minutes in front of us. We were sitting in silence when something came into my mind.

  
“Hey… where is Celestino? Is he with Victor?” I asked looking at Phichit, it’s strange that he came without his coach. Usually, they are always together. Normal. Of course they weren't like me and Victor, but still. I mean, Phichit came here for the event, so shouldn’t he be practicing?

  
“I don’t think so… Victor called me this morning and asked if I can come. Celestino had some unfinished business about the event, I am meeting with him later.” He shrugged with his shoulder, showing me that everything is fine.

  
He is really a good friend. I smiled at him, at least tried, my nose was hurting pretty badly. And it looked even worse, I saw in the mirror of the car. It was swollen and almost blue, oh shit… looks like a blue potato. I sighed and turned my eyes from the mirror. It’s good that competitions for Grand Prix start just in September.

  
“Hey Yuuri…” he talked after about ten minutes. We were stuck in small traffic. Okay, if there is a traffic, Victor is also in it. “Yurio… he wasn’t always so angry…” I didn’t expect this, I mean for Phichit to start talking about Yurio, so he got my full attention pretty fast. “It’s not that he is beating everyone, this time he really went too far… but how to say… he is just angry at the whole world. And you are here, again with Victor I think he just exploded. I am sure that he is regretting going so far.” I opened my mouth, then looked at my leg. He really went too far with this. He knew that my right leg is the weakest part of my body. But I was thinking the same yesterday… he could have really beaten me up, breaking my leg for sure, and don’t stop kicking my face until it becomes a mess. But he didn’t.

  
“What happened to him?” I asked silently. Now I was sure that something happened, that secret I felt between Victor and Yurio all the time. “He was in a relationship with Victor after all?” I asked loudly but not surprised at all. Now I understood that Yurio is the one who was with Victor all this time. I still needed to hear the whole story from Victor himself.

  
“Yes… but not very long. Maybe for a month. Actually, nobody knew that, just some of us. I mean, me, Celestino, Yakov maybe Christophe, I am not even sure if Mila knew it.” For me it was enough, most of our friends knew it, and maybe they were supporting them? “But don’t get a wrong idea… it was so different from the relationship you and Victor have. They were kind of… platonic, maybe? I don’t even think that they slept together.” I sighed, Yurio was trying to save Victor with love, but he didn’t want to be saved. So that’s why Yurio hates me so much. “But he is not angry because of that…” What? No? They why? “More than one year ago his grandpa got really ill… he is still in the hospital. Doctors can’t do anything about it. Victor is supporting Yurio with money… because the medicine is so expensive. I mean maybe he was afraid that he will lose Victor’s support if you come back?” I froze. God, I didn’t have any idea about this. Oh, my god, that’s so bad. I remember Yurio’s grandfather, they were so close. And pirozhki (little pies) that his grandpa was making were so good. “BUT it’s not that I am on Yurio’s side. He absolutely didn’t have ANY right to do such a thing to you! That’s just horrible.” He said this to me like I was starting to get angry. But I didn’t. Suddenly I felt so bad for Yurio. That’s just…

“We need to stop Victor.” I couldn’t see very good without my glasses, but from the view around I could guess that we are already very close. I was right. The driver stopped next to the entrance and I paid for him, then we went out from the car.

“Here is Victor’s car!” Phichit said showing somewhere in the parking. I couldn’t see this but still nodded. Good, if he is here, then Yurio is also. I hope we are not too late. We came in and the women who were sitting at the table smiled at us.

“I am sorry boys, today skating is just for professionals or coaches.” She said and I rolled my eyes. Don’t we look like skaters? Of course not, I was wearing a bear t-shirt and had a splint on my knee. Jeez, okay. I started searching for skater’s document in my wallet, Phichit did the same. After seeing that we can go she nodded. “Oh, fine, but you have to go and put your skaters first, you can’t go without them to the hall today.” Is she serious, what kind of day is that? God. Fine. We will have to borrow them from the center then.

“Yuuri… the doctor told you not to go on the ice.” Phichit told me, while we were going to the dressing room, we stopped to ask for skates. Do I have another choice? In the dressing room, I saw Victor’s shoes. If he didn’t come back yet, that means that he met Yurio there. I started putting on ice skates not paying attention to Phichit, who repeated again that I shouldn’t skate. “Jeez, Yuuri, why you are so stubborn…” he also started putting the skates on his feet. I was almost finished when I heard a women’s scream. OH SHIT. I didn’t even finish what I was doing, I jumped and started running, fuck fuck my leg hurts so much. Phichit shouted to wait for him, but I didn’t, I ran into the ice rink like crazy.

  
There wasn’t a lot of people, ten in total maybe, but now everyone was standing still, looking at two men in the middle of the rink. One of them was sitting on the ice, holding his palm on his lip. Another one was standing, looking down. Is Victor and Yurio. I couldn’t see their faces without glasses but I knew it.

  
“Victor!” I shouted starting sliding so fast, that at the same moment I understood that I won’t be able to stop. I couldn’t move my right leg, believe me, I was sliding like a cow on the ice and every person here was looking at me. Yeah, I won Grand Prix one time, can’t you tell this from the way I am sliding? I bumped into Victor with my body so hard that I almost fell, but he caught me, wrapping his arms around my waist. It’s good that on the ice he was like a wall, otherwise, we were be lying now.

  
“Yuuri?? What are you doing here?” Then he saw Phichit who just ran into the rink, he shook his head like saying. Sorry, I couldn’t stop this stupid Japanese pork bowl. At the time Yurio stood up on his feet. He had a little bit blood on his lips, but it didn’t seem something very bad.

“You don’t understand I was doing this for you…” Yurio started speaking in Russian looking at Victor. He didn’t want me to understand this. He even wasn’t looking at me. I was just happy that I made it in time.

“For me?? Right… Look what have you done to him! And you even lied to me like to do such a thing would be normal! What if neighbors hadn‘t heard him! Yuuri could have choked from his blood! I am not even talking about his leg!” Victor was also speaking in Russian, but I think just because that it’s easier to express your feelings in your mother language, especially when you are angry. “You are insane! If I ever see you again near him…”

“What? What will you do? Kill me?! Look what he has done to you! Look at that scar on your wrist! Look at your heart!” Scar? Heart? What he is talking about…? “I was the one there for you! I saved your fucking life twice! And now what? He is coming back after all this time and you will just forget everything?! You are fucking kidding me! You would be dead now if not me! Behold the world’s best skater Victor Nikiforov! If not me, this pig would be next to your grave right now!” he was shouting so loud that everyone was afraid to move. I had to pretend that I don’t understand anything, but I was almost at my limit.

“We are not talking about that! You didn’t have right to beat Yuuri! It’s my life, not yours! I am talking about the fact that you almost murdered a person! A PERSON, you hear me?! Don’t you understand?! Too blond for that?? And not just a person, Yuuri is my lover, if anything happens to him, you will hurt me too. That’s what you want??” Victor suddenly let me go but somehow I was able not to fall. Now he was in front of Yurio, so close that he was almost touching him. Victor was so tall compared to Yurio. No, that’s not good.

“LOVER?? Fuck you, Victor, seriously. That pig doesn’t know anything about you! You can’t leave me and chose him after everything that happened! You just can’t! I will never let you be with him!” Suddenly I saw how Victor grabs Yurio’s shirt. No, this needs to be stopped now.

“It’s enough!” I screamed so loudly that even I didn’t recognize my voice, believe me, everyone here was acting strangely. Even these other skaters who were just standing and watching, like it’s some kind of a show. Another thing that I shouted in Russian, not in English. So Japanese man shouting in Russian, that’s a surprise, right? I got what I wanted, Victor and Yurio suddenly turned their heads at me with their eyes open wide. “First of all, let go of his shirt. Let go.” I grabbed Victor’s hands and he gave up pretty easily. “Second is that…” I took a deep breath. I didn’t feel good talking in Russian, because I wasn’t so confident in it, like for example talking in English, but Maria once told me that my Russian is good. It was a bit hard to talk because I didn’t practice for a long time, but it wasn’t that bad as I thought it will be. “I am not…. taking Victor from you… understood? Be friends, hang out… together, talk…. do the same… what were you doing when I was gone.” I was talking with huge pauses, because I had to think about every word. Literally. When I was talking in English I already could talk without thinking, but with Russian it was different, I was translating words in my head before saying them. Nah, I will just turn back into English, I reached my Russian limit today. I still had something to say, but Victor spoke first this time in English.

“Yuuuuuuuri, you can speak in Russian?” Suddenly his eyes changed and he smiled like a sunshine. I never thought that he will be so happy about this thing. Don’t forget the fact that like 1 minute ago he was ready to kick Yurio's ass with that serious face of his. Now he was almost shining looking at me. Yurio was also surprised, not sure about my words or about the fact that I said them in Russian.

“We will talk about this later,” I tried not to look at him, but I still saw with the corner of my eye that Victor is looking at me like I was some kind of a miracle. But actually I was a little bit mad at him, so I didn’t pay attention. “Yurio, I will never forget what you did to me, but I just wanted to tell you that I can understand what are you feeling… I understand why you need Victor and I am not here to take a friend away from you. I am here because I love him very much. I can't change those years, but I can make his future better. I will always be thankful for what you have done for his sake. And even if I don’t know anything about him, let’s say, I am ready to learn, Yurio. You are not a bad person, so don’t make Victor become like that because of your hatred for the world” my speech was long and I already felt tired of talking, mostly because I haven’t drunk anything today, my leg was hurting and nose was of a size like almost half of the face. But I still looked at the person who yesterday totally kicked my ass and tried to smile. Not for Yurio. For his grandfather, because I wanted to believe that there is something good left in his grandchild. Suddenly I did something that made Victor almost gasp from surprise. I hugged Yurio. “I am really sorry about your grandfather,” I said quietly that only Yurio could hear. He didn’t hug me back, but his body trembled once. Then he moved from me so fast, that I almost fell, but Victor was in time to catch me.

  
“I saved Victor not because of you so I don’t need your thanks, pig. And if you touch me again, I will break your nose for real.” He sighed and moved away from us. “And your Russian is terrible.” Yeah, right. You are just jealous because you can’t speak Japanese at all. I almost laughed, suddenly I felt like talking to a child. He has changed indeed. We have never been friends with Yurio, but I suddenly remembered how he smiled at me after competition in Moscow in 2016, before my birthday. What happened to that kind heart he had?

  
“Let’s go Yuuri,” Victor said and quickly took me in his hands like a bride. Oh, my god, I turned all red, everyone was still watching. “Like I said, if you get close to Yuuri again, I won’t be so nice. And I won’t care that he is not mad at you.” He turned around, I wasn’t lying in his arms calm, I tried to be invisible. “Oh, and you can forget about me being your coach” he gave a fake smile to Yurio and started sliding to the exit of the rink, where Phichit was waiting.

  
“Victor let me go, I can slide myself,” I said covering my face with palms. That’s so embarrassing. But at the same time, I was happy that everything finished before someone got hurt again. Well Yurio lost his coach, but I don’t think he will have a problem finding another one. My lover wasn’t listening to me at all. He didn’t let me go even after we went from the ice. He carried me to the dressing room and just then put me on the bench.

  
“Uf! I am so happy that everything is over! That was a huge drama guys, I felt like watching good drama.” Phichit laughed and I nodded, not about the drama, just about the fact that everything was over. I started taking off the skates. Victor was also silent, doing the same. Phichit was still looking at us with a smile, waiting for someone to be happy with him, but no one was. He tried again “Hm… since you came with the car, maybe you can give me a ride to my hotel?” Now was time for Victor to nod, so he did. Phichit gave up. We went outside and sat in the car. I sat in the back and Phichit next to Victor. We were going in silence, just listening to Russian pop music. I think Phichit felt better, when Victor stopped next to the hotel, he went out and waved. “Guys, don’t fight, come to the event tomorrow and after that, we can go together for a dinner, okay?” he tried to smile for the last time and I gave up.

  
“Sure, we will come. See you tomorrow.” I smiled back and Phichit sighed with relief, Victor smiled for the friend also, then Phichit closed the door and Victor started the car again. This time he didn’t let me go alone. He drew his car to the garage and we went together to the elevator. Got up to our floor. I looked at the spot where I was lying yesterday, it was clean, no sign of blood. I will hate this spot forever. I felt how Victor is looking at me, but I just walked to our flat, not telling anything. He opened the door and we went in, both my suitcases were standing next to the door, I dropped there a bag with my dirty clothes. “Makkachin!” I said when the dog came to the hallway to meet us. I haven’t seen him from the day I left to London. My poor puppy, I hugged him hard, and Makkachin licked my hurt face, he is so cute. I just can’t. “I am sorry boy for not coming back soon." I kissed his wet nose and then went to the kitchen because Victor was already there.

  
“You want something to drink?” he asked after hearing me entering the kitchen, I nodded. He knew better what I want because a few moments later he gave me a glass full of my favorite sparkling water. I drank everything and Victor was watching me like I am doing something sexy. “Are you mad at me?” Finally, he asked and I felt how the bubble of tension explodes, uh, so he isn’t mad.

  
“Is not that I am mad…” I said putting empty glass on the table. “Just I wish that you would make important decisions with me. We have to do everything together… Like we used to do. We are lovers, right?” I asked and I don’t know why I felt tears in my eyes. Victor looked at me with his sad face and then opened his arms for me. I went right into him and he hugged me strongly I put my head on his shoulder.

  
“I love you so much… really. I am so happy then I can finally say and show you that” he said and I wrapped my arms around his waist, yeah, I was also happy. I finally felt like home. “Yuuri but you should have told me, that you can speak in Russian! That was a total surprise.” He pulled me back a little and looked me into the eyes. “Say again something pleeeease.” He begged and hugged my face with his palms.

  
“Noooo.” I murmured, it’s embarrassing. Now when he was listening I can’t say anything, I moved my eyes from him and then I saw something I haven’t noticed until now. As he was holding my face I saw something on his left-hand wrist. I took his hand into my and looked closely. Victor didn’t move his arm. It was a scar, not a big one, but I could tell that it was deep. So that’s what Yurio talked about. I started breathing heavily. It’s my fault, right? He did this to himself because of me.

  
“Yuuri, that's in the past. You are the present. You hear me?” he grabbed my hand and I nodded, but tears were still in my eyes, what more I have done to him? Victor made me lift my head and look again in his eyes, then he leaned forward and kissed me gently. I moved back and touched the table with my back. We were kissing slowly that I could breathe with my mouth but the kiss was deep, I wrapped my tongue around his and sucked it.

  
“Will you…” I started the sentence after I sat on the table and wrapped my legs around Victor’s waist.

  
“Marry me?” he said and laughed and I opened my eyes widely from surprise. Is he serious? Of course, he is not. He was smiling at me and his eyes were shining.

  
“I wanted to say “Make love to me?” but yeah, sure, let’s get marry.” I smiled at him back ant started taking off his shirt and then throwing them on the floor. Oh my god, finally. He is not drunk, we are back together and we are home alone. After more than two years, I was touching Victor’s body again. I slowly started going down touching all those lines I knew so well. His back was so strong and the front like from the perfect ancient statue.

  
“Ask me in Russian, say “I want you, Victor”. Say iiiit and I will make you feel what you never felt before” he suddenly got excited and leaned forward on me, I laid on the table. It wasn’t very comfortable. But to me it was fine. “Saaaaay it, pleeeeeease, Yuuri.” Oh god, he said it with so sexy voice that I just couldn’t. Anything for you…

  
“Ya khochu teb...“ I started when the doorbell rang. “Let it be,” I said when Victor looked at that side, I hugged him harder with my legs. It doesn’t matter who is there. Everything can wait. I grabbed his face and kissed him, Victor gave up. Of course. But the bell rang again, and again and again until it became so annoying that I sighed. Jeez, Christ. What now??

  
“Viiiictooor! Looove! I know that you are home, open the door!” it was a women voice speaking in Russian. I numbed. What? Who is that? But for Victor, everything was clear he rolled his eyes, and let me go. “Vicya Vicya Vicya!!” she started calling the short version of Victor’s name. Victor looked at me for a second, then went to open the door, rubbing his hair, with a really strange expression on his face. “VICTOR!” she suddenly screamed. My heart started beating really fast, he went there shirtless. I didn’t rush, walked slowly, but when I came to the hallway I saw good view. She was hugging my Victor, cuddling him, pushing her cheek to his face and jumping at the same time. And he was standing still like this is the normal thing. Makkachin came with me, he didn’t come closer to the guest. Good boy, that’s my puppy, not a traitor. Suddenly women saw me. She stopped pressing her face to the Victor’s and looked at me.

  
“Vicya who is this cute blue bubble faced foreigner?” she looked at me surprised saying it in English. But I was the most surprised at all of us. Remember how I said that the women in the ambulance car was beautiful? So forget about it. This one was something more. The lady had really long and thick silver hair, her face was perfectly made but the most beautiful were eyes. Bright blue. The color was so strong that it seemed that she is seeing through me. The women let Victor go and started going to me. I was standing still. Her way of walking was so graceful, but at the same time so sure. This is how Victor was sliding on the ice, she was walking on the ground the same way. The women stopped in front of me. She was the same height as me, skinny and all shining. “Oh my god, you are so fluffy and cute!” She touched my chin with her finger pillows. “Will you sleep with me tonight?” she leaned forward and kissed me. I was so in shock that I didn’t react at first, then I looked at Victor, he was like someone had punched him in the face. I suddenly moved and stepped back. Jeez!

  
“I-I am sorry… but who are you?”


	14. Chapter 14. Yuuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Yuuri, what was with that touch you gave to Alexey? And why did you asked them to take care of you?” he said, I turned back to him, already holding a tray with cups on it. So he is ignoring me? Hahaha. Not going to work like that. Victor was wearing his shirt again. I started going from the kitchen to the living room. “Yuuri??” I can’t say the truth because the real reason was so dumb and childish. Victor still didn’t know anything about me having his portraits on the wall, I hid them somewhere so deep, that I don’t remember myself where. Anyway today I am wearing a t-shirt with a bear on it, maybe that’s my excuse.
> 
> “Are you jealous or something?” I asked, leaving him with his mouth opened. I shouldn’t have said that, but it was the best what came into my mind. I mean if I can’t lie, then it’s best to change subject, no?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helllooooo it's me again.
> 
> Yeeeeah, congratulations for those who have guessed right!  
> This chapter is also long, but it didn't give us much, right? Believe me, those two will be important in the future of the story. ^^
> 
> Okey, for the next chapter:  
> Phichit event or dance competition? I mean, I already know the answer, but you can try guessing :D  
> Now I am not lying. Finally, on the 15 chapter, Victuuri will have sex. It's official :D  
> And how is your heart doing? Well? Are you ready missed some drama? It's coming with the next chapter ^-^
> 
> I give all my love to you <3
> 
> With love from the country that nobody knows,  
> Vitavili <3

I just got my first kiss from a woman. I was already thinking that this will never happen in my life. I mean, I wasn’t sad about it and it’s not that I ever thought about kissing at all. Until I met Victor I wasn't thinking about relationships at all and then suddenly this happened, I couldn’t change anything. You can’t give orders to your heart what to love. Been there, done that. I am talking about that time when I left Victor, but as you see it totally didn’t work. My heart and my soul were devoted to Victor. It’s impossible to change that. So since I kissed Victor for the first time I never thought about the possibility of kissing somebody else, not even once. I mean for what reason? I already had the one I want to kiss for the rest of my life. And now this. I don’t know if I can call this a real kiss because she just touched my lips with hers, but I blushed so hard, that it seemed that she did so much more. I took a deep breath. Victor wasn’t breathing at all. After all, I was kissed by his female version. They must be relatives. It’s true that I didn’t know much about Victor's family, he wasn’t very close with them or I thought that it’s like that. Because I have never heard him talking about them, so I didn’t ask.  
  
“I think I asked first?” she smiled at me and bit her lip, I just felt how my heart raised up. Victor saw that he stepped towards us and grabbed girl’s hand. I would never give to Victor 32 years, but I could say that the girl was younger. I am not very good at guessing years, but I would give her 22, not more.

“Don’t even think about that.” He said and I felt something different in his words. Is Victor jealous? I looked at them, still waiting for somebody to explain what is going on. “Why you are here in the first place?” he tried to pull the girl back from me, but she was strong enough not to move from her spot. She quickly turned around and wrapped her arms around Victor’s neck. I noticed how graceful her move was. All her moves were like a dance. She kissed Victor’s cheek.

“You won’t share with me? It’s the first time I see you like that. So cute!” Suddenly she hugged Victor harder at the same time jumping on him and wrapping her legs around his waist. I haven’t mentioned that she was with a dress, right? I almost got a heart attack. “Just fooooor one night, I really like pretty boys” she looked at me and smiled. Victor answer was clear from his face. But the most important part that even if he looked really unhappy, he didn’t stop her. I opened my mouth because I wanted to ask again all meaning of this, then I saw somebody at the door.  
It can’t be true. I froze.

“You started without me?” the man asked. He put two suitcases next to mine and then crossed his arms across his chest. Every second I could feel how my heart starts beating faster and faster, my body trembled. It was Victor. But not now. It was Victor when he was around 22 years old. He was standing with that confidence, his hair was below his shoulders tied up into a ponytail, the color of his eyes was so alive, perfectly matched with today’s sky color. It was a clone, a perfect copy. I swear. Oh. My. God. Tell me I am dreaming, I mean it’s impossible, or maybe somehow I went back to the past. My idol. I started skating because of him. I fell in love with his moves. Maybe I just died and went to the heaven? I felt like one of the portraits of Victor I had just became reality. He started walking towards us and I just wanted to touch his skin, make sure that’s not a dream. But sure it is, I mean it just can’t be true.

Suddenly I woke up, from my astonishment when the girl jumped from Victor on the ground and went to the man. I had three Victor’s in front of me, one in women form. Yurio must have hit my head pretty hard.

“Should I also jump on you?” the boy asked, I don’t know why in English, and I found the difference between him and real Victor. It’s his voice. It was without that warmth, more like bored of everything around him. But still, his looks was amazing. I just needed to touch him.

“No, thank you. As I thought Ana would never come without you. What-“ Victor didn’t finish his sentence because I stepped forward and reached the face of young’s Victor’s copy. His skin was so perfect. I suddenly smiled. God, it’s like I just reached the purpose of my life. “Yuuri! What are you doing??” Victor grabbed me and pulled back from the boy. He pressed me against his chest so hard, that I couldn‘t move. Once I touched real Victor’s skin I blinked and then calmed down. Oh.

“Who is this potato?” Victor’s copy asked raising his eyebrow, he touched his face, that spot where I touched before. Sure, Victor would never ask like that about me. But still, I just touched him… I just touched my idol, my Victor from those times when being with him was just a dream.

“I asked the same! He is cute, isn’t he? Victor said that he will share him with us!” Ana (If I heard correctly her name), grabbed the boys hand. I also want to do that. Can I? Can I? Victor pressed me to his chest harder. I felt that his heart is beating fast, he is worried about something. Is it because I was looking at that boy? But he didn’t understand, I looked at him, but I was thinking about Victor, not about someone else.

“Absolutely not.” Victor sighed and Ana rolled her eyes. There must be a connection. “Yuuri… this is my cousins Ana and Alexey, they are twins.” Finally, someone explained everything and now I was sure that I am not dreaming. But there were so alike, I almost thought that they might be Victor’s younger sister and brother. Suddenly I felt curious how his family looks like. Do they all have silver hair and bright blue eyes? They must be the most beautiful family in the world. “You two, he is not bubble and not a potato, he is Yuuri, my lover.” He said the last word so slowly and I saw how Ana smiled, somehow this smile made chills run down my spine, Alexey looked a little bit surprised, but not too much.

“Yoroshiku onegaishimasu.” I don’t know why I bowed few times, making Ana gasp from surprise, Alexey looked a bit lost, like he wouldn’t know if he should bow too or just wave. I haven’t bowed for anyone in a long time, but it’s the first time I am meeting someone from Victor's side, I didn’t know what to do. “I will go and make some tea,” I said and escaped from Victor’s hands, went to the kitchen, I will let them speak alone, Makkachin was thinking the same, so he came with me. I closed kitchen door because I wasn’t sure that I want to hear what they are talking about. Oh shit, that was something. I turned on electric kettle I started searching for a cups. Victor came into the kitchen soon, I looked at him.

“I am sorry, I didn’t know that they will come. They are dancers, it seems that they will have some competition tomorrow in Moscow, so they decided to sleep here” Victor said to me and I shook my head, saying that everything is fine. Sure if you have relatives in the city why you should sleep in a hotel? But now I understood why Ana and Alexey were walking like that. The dance was already in their souls. They must be living with it like Victor is living on the ice.

“But you have never told me about your family… why? I mean you knew my family from the first day we met.” I heard that water had boiled, so I turned around and started making tea. It’s not that I was mad at him for not telling me, but when Victor haven’t answered my question I understood that there is something more. He is not telling me something.

“Yuuri, what was with that touch you gave to Alexey? And why did you asked them to take care of you?” he said, I turned back to him, already holding a tray with cups on it. So he is ignoring me? Hahaha. Not going to work like that. Victor was wearing his shirt again. I started going from the kitchen to the living room. “Yuuri??” I can’t say the truth because the real reason was so dumb and childish. Victor still didn’t know anything about me having his portraits on the wall, I hid them somewhere so deep, that I don’t remember myself where. Anyway today I am wearing a t-shirt with a bear on it, maybe that’s my excuse.

“Are you jealous or something?” I asked, leaving him with his mouth opened. I shouldn’t have said that, but it was the best what came into my mind. I mean if I can’t lie, then it’s best to change subject, no?

We came to the living room, both cousins were sitting on the couch. I smiled to them, Ana smiled me back, but Alexey was sitting with his eyes closed not looking at me so I could watch him how much I wanted. I wish I could see how he dances, see if he has the same spirit in his moves that Victor had. I put the tray on the table and sat on the other couch, just in front of guests. Victor also did the same but the gap between us was so long, that two more persons could sit in it.

“Soooo…” I said when I couldn’t bear the silence anymore and Ana’s look was just killing me, I think she wasn’t even blinking while looking at me, and her eyes were shining. “You two are professional dancers? In pairs?” I asked wanting to be friendly, somehow I didn’t like this silent at all, Alexey finally opened his eyes, giving me a total heartbreak with that blue color. I smiled and then I heard Victor coughing. Oh, shit. I am looking too much, right?

“Yes, we are!” Ana jumped so happy that I asked something about them. “We won 3 times in a row Grand Prix final in dancing” Wow. I didn’t expect that. Actually, I was interested just in ice skating, so I didn’t know very much about other types of dancing, but that’s amazing. I bet their dance were perfect. “You have to come to the competition tomorrow!” I don’t even know why I nodded, maybe because I wanted to see Alexey dancing so badly, I totally forgot about the fact that we promised Phichit to come see his performance. Shit. That’s why Victor looked at me for a second but didn’t say anything. After seeing me nodding Ana suddenly got up from the couch and came to me, jumping on my lap and hugged me hard. Boobs. I mean, her breasts were really close. I turned all red.

“I said not to touch him.” Victor grabbed her and pulled away from me. Now she was sitting between us, still closer to me, than to Victor. I turned my eyes to the side and tried not to look at that girls face. I didn’t expect that. I don’t really want to be touched by someone else. But how can I possibly pull away a girl?

“So you broke up with that blond girl?” Alexey spoke and he got everybody’s attention. What blond girl? Even Ana, who was secretly reaching me with her hands, looked at her brother. WHAT. BLOND. GIRL. I looked at Victor, but he was also looking at Alexey not getting what he is talking about. “That small one, we saw you more than one year ago walking to the ice center together.” I almost started giggling. He must be talking about Yurio. Oh Jeez, but Victor didn’t know that Phichit told me about their relationship.

“I don’t know what you are talking about. I have just Yuuri.” Victor said at the same time grabbing Ana’s hand because she was almost touching my face with it. Alexey was looking at Victor I don’t know somehow kind of nostalgic maybe? I don’t know so much about Victor…

“By the way, what happened to your nose?” Ana asked changing the theme, and I was so thankful for her, but I didn’t know what to answer. Should I say the truth that I was kicked in the ass yesterday? But it’s uncool. It was personal stuff, I just wanted other people to stay out of this.

“Weeeelll… I was walking with Makkachin yesterday and there… was a car. I just… jumped to save him… and somehow hit my face when I fell. It’s nothing.” I was lying so bad, that Victor turned his head and covered his lips with palm trying to hold the smile. But Ana totally believed me. I mean, how naïve is she?

“Oh, my… you are a hero!” This time Victor wasn’t looking, so she had a freeway. I jumped on my feet, but still was too late she already was jumping on me, furthermore, my leg couldn‘t hold us both, so we fell together on the floor. I don’t know if I want to explain what happened next. Literally, Victor had to pull her away from me with everything he had.

I mean… the word “horrible” doesn’t even describe this day. Alexey was in my way all the time, I saw him everywhere walking, sitting, or just standing. I wasn’t seeing a true person, I saw young Victor, so my eyes were shining all the time and I couldn’t stop smiling. The real Victor caught me four times like that, and his reaction was something that I never thought I will see. Every time he saw me like this he got in front of my eyes and asked me what I am watching. I always shook my head, trying to say that’s nothing and every time I did this he made me look into his eyes almost until I begged him to stop. His real eyes, not Alexey’s not Ana’s but Victor’s was more than I could handle. It’s not the worst part. The worst part was that Ana and Victor were fighting for me all day. When I say fighting I mean the fact that Ana tried to hug me in every possible way: When I was in kitchen washing dishes after a dinner, she came and hugged me from the back, then in the bathroom when I was searching for some medicine, then when I was just walking around the house, even when I just wanted to touch Makkachin. Every time she was giving me a small heart attack, making me blush and turning Victor crazy. I wasn’t sure if she wants me or his attention so badly. In the evening I was so tired from all of this, that before going to sleep I took Makkachin ant got out for a walk. Victor was in the shower and I didn’t want to know where Ana was.

I got into the elevator when somebody stopped the door. It was young Victor, I mean Alexey. He got in and I looked away, but still I was watching him with the corner of my eye. Yeah, I found my extra glasses in the suitcase, so now I was able to see him better. Jeez, so beautiful.

“I will go with you,” he said when we walked outside. Actually, I was planning to go just to the back yard, for a small walk or just to breathe some fresh air. So I told him this, actually, I tried to say. I don’t know why it was so hard to speak in front of him. I mean, he is 7 years younger than I am. Makkachin was going around doing his things, I was standing waiting with Alexey next to me when he suddenly grabbed my hands and made me look at him. Oh no, my cheeks are going to become red.

“Why are you looking at me all the time?” he asked. Of course, he has noticed. I don’t know why but after this question I suddenly felt calm.

“Because… you remind me of Victor so much when he was your age. At the time I just started skating as professional… so he was just some idol, a star that for a boy like me was unreachable. When we met, he was already 27, so… now I am able to see how beautiful he was in reality. I mean… you are beautiful.” I smiled at him from the bottom of my heart and pressed his hands harder. He didn’t try to kiss me or something, but he smiled me back and I felt that we might become friends.

“He is also my idol.” He said, and I heard a pride in his voice. Of course. This boy will go far. I could feel this. “And my sister… forgive her. She likes teasing Victor really much, I mean we see each other just one time in a few years. Our family is not close. And I think that she likes you. She likes everything that Victor likes. That’s the main problem.” He laughed. Alexey’s smile was beautiful. He was a young man who had to smile more. I really wanted to see him dancing. Since we started talking normally I wanted to ask a bit more about Victor’s family, but before doing that I lifted my head and watched at our bedroom's window. Victor was standing there, looking at us. Since the back yard was lightened up really good, it was clear that we are holding hands, even from the fifth floor. Shit. Shit. Shit.

“We need to go back now,” I said, and Alexey also looked at the window. I called Makkachin to come and tried to go as fast as I could to the elevator. Alexey and Makkachin were already inside, waiting for me to come. Good to be young and have a healthy leg, right? I hopped that I can explain everything for Victor, I mean nothing happened.

I just opened our flat's door and I saw Victor.

“I had enough,” he said, grabbing me with his arms, I let the gasp out but he was going too fast for me to stop him, he even shut the door in front of poor Makkachin face. “You are mine. Mine. Just. Mine.” He put me down and immediately after that started kissing. I couldn’t breathe, but I was answering every kiss. My heart was beating like a drum I thought that it will go out. He took off my t-shirt and grabbed my ass with his hands so hard that I moaned loudly.

“We definitely can’t hear you!” I heard Ana’s voice from the living room full of laughter. Oh no. I don’t want them to hear. I moved from Victor’s hands and he looked at the wall like he would be able to see through it.

“I am going to take a shower. Let Makkachin in…” I said and went to the bathroom. Right, no sex today, because otherwise tomorrow I won’t be able to look at Victor’s cousin's eyes. I mean it will be our first time after everything that happened, so I don’t want someone to hear me, okay? I was done with the shower fast enough, but when I came in, Victor was already lying on his side with his eyes closed. I sighed, turned off the light and went to my side, Makkachin was lying on the floor, it was too hot for him on the bed in the summertime. I laid next to Victor hugging him, he turned around and did the same.

“I want you so badly… After this... horrible day… I just want you. I don’t want to argue. I just want to put my finger inside you, kiss you and touch you… and then I want to be in you, and hear your moans and how you say my name, how you ask me for more. Those memories are still in my head, I see them… and I am so pissed off that I can’t feel them now. I just want to make love to you.” He was whispering in my ear and I started blushing, I covered my face in his chest hugging him very tight.

“I want that too…” I finally murmured and I felt how Victor’s body starts reacting to my words. Jeez, why it has to be so hard. “Tomorrow… tomorrow when they leave we will lock everything and just won’t go out from the bed all day” I promised and he kissed my forehead. After that, I fell asleep pretty fast, maybe because I drank a medicine from pain, or maybe because I was so tired from today’s fight and I found peace in Victor’s arms. At last.

I really didn’t sleep long, like maybe two hours, I don’t know. I woke up because Makkachin started licking my face. I blinked and touched his fur.

“What is it, boy…” I murmured and then I felt that someone is hugging me from the behind. For one second I thought that it’s Victor, but then I felt something really soft touching my back. Soft and big. I hold my breath for a second then turned my head a little bit with my eyes opened wide It was Ana. She was sleeping next to me almost stuck to my body. For one second I froze and then I jumped so fast from the bed, like with the speed of flash. WHAT. She was wearing just really thin nighties and I was just with my underwear. I fell on the floor and she woke up, sat on the bed and smiled at me, asking with her fingers to come back. Oh no no no no. Where is Victor??

He ran into the room, with a glass of water in his hands, because he heard how I fell. For one second he was looking at Ana, then at me. And then he started searching for clothes in the wardrobe.

“Get up Yuuri, we are going to sleep in a hotel. And I will fuck you until the dawn. Hurry” he picked some clothes for himself I was looking at him with my mouth opened wide. Is he serious?

When words "Make Love" turned into "Fuck"? Obviously, Victor has reached his limit.


	15. Chapter 15. Yuuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Why strawberries?” I asked looking at that box with lubricant in it. It’s good that he thinks about these things. I mean if he really wants to fuck not to make love. And I won’t pretend some kind of innocent boy in this case. We were also using lubricants in the past, but I preferred them without a taste.
> 
> “You want to go back and change? To be honest, I didn’t look in taste, just took the first one” he said so casually and quickly looked at the box in my hands. I shrugged. No, everything is alright with the strawberries. I want to be a strawberry for Victor. Why did I start to feel nervous?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeello~
> 
> So this chapter is more about sex and just saying goodbye to our new characters for now. You will see them again later ^^  
> By the way, I have finally decided about the whole story until the end. There will be 27 main chapters and 3 extras. One extra you already had about Victor's past, two more are coming in chapter 20 and chapter 30 ^-^  
> The main action of this story is just starting now, so tense from now will just grow. I hope so :D
> 
> See you again soon!  
> Love Love Love! <3
> 
> Vitavili

I couldn’t believe this. After 10 minutes we were already sitting in the car, driving to some hotel. We left our home just because Victor couldn’t control himself anymore. I understand that he was tired, so was I, but now we were heading somewhere in the middle of the night, and left our home to Victor’s cousins, not even taking keys with us. I looked at Victor, but he was too concentrated in thinking where could we possibly go to sleep. I sighed. I was wearing simple white t-shirt and jeans, the first clothes Victor gave to me. To be honest, they are not mine because all my stuff was still in the suitcases, I brought them to our bedroom but still haven’t ordered stuff to their places. That’s why jeans were a little bit too long for me. The feeling was like somebody would have kicked us out from the flat.

I still could see how Ana is holding Victor’s hand almost crying not leave like he was going to the war. I saw Alexey, he was standing next to the living door’s entrance, where he and Ana were sleeping. He was without a shirt just with comfortable sleeping pants. I asked him to take care of Makkachin, just in case. He yawned and nodded. His eyes were sleepy like he wasn't surprised at all. Maybe that kind of drama is normal in their house? Before going back to the living room he smiled at me. Thank God, Victor didn’t saw that. So we left.

Suddenly I woke up from my thoughts when Victor stopped the car in front of pharmacy which was working 24/7, he left me in the car and went there before I said anything. What is he searching there in the middle of the night? Maybe some kind of medicine from stress? I felt so sleepy, that I could probably just fell asleep in the car, but my lover had a different opinion. He came back holding a small box in his hand. Victor sat back in the car gave me the box to hold and started driving again.

“Why strawberries?” I asked looking at that box with lubricant in it. It’s good that he thinks about these things. I mean if he really wants to fuck not to make love. And I won’t pretend some kind of innocent boy in this case. We were also using lubricants in the past, but I preferred them without a taste.

“You want to go back and change? To be honest, I didn’t look in taste, just took the first one” he said so casually and quickly looked at the box in my hands. I shrugged. No, everything is alright with the strawberries. I want to be a strawberry for Victor. Why did I start to feel nervous?

Victor stopped at the small hotel, a little bit far away from the center. I waited for him, while Victor registered us. I tried not to blush when I heard him asking for king size bed and all this time I was hiding the box with lubricant behind my back. Obviously, it’s not a love hotel, it was small but looked pretty expensive. But I was still surprised that the room was spacious enough. And the view from the window was beautiful. I just now thought that I never had a walk around this kind of city in the night. Maybe we could…

“Victor, how about we-“

“No.,” he said even without hearing me out. “I don’t know what you are planning, but I am not changing my mind” he locked the door and started walking towards me. His steps were graceful, but somehow I could feel danger. He was walking like a wolf who is planning to grab his lamb at any second. I was the lamb so I opened my arms to meet my wolf, but he had other plans. Victor quickly grabbed my waist and turned me around, pressing my body against the wall. I let the sigh from deep inside me. I pressed my forehead to the wall and took my glasses off, putting them on the table next to me.

“Victor…” I wanted to ask not to be too rough, but I couldn’t finish the sentence because secretly I also wanted that. So his name from my lips sounded more like begging. Do me. Do me. Just do me. I felt his pressed body against my back and his hard erection showing how much he wants me. He took away from me the box with lubricant and after a few seconds I felt how his hand slipped into my jeans and underwear, Victor didn’t give me any warning, he just suddenly stuck inside my hole two of his fingers. Both at time same time! Even though they were slippery, but sill long and strong. I didn’t have inside me even one finger since I left Victor, we are not even talking about two. I moaned loud and held my breath for a few seconds.

“I will make you come…” he started whispering in my ear at the same time with his other hand taking my jeans and underwear down. “Then I’m going to fuck you and come inside, and then…” he wrapped his fingers around my hard cock and started moving fingers inside my ass. My body couldn’t understand this feeling it was the pain, pleasure, excitement and even fear at the same time. Victor had a whole plan in his head. I tried to listen, but those fingers inside me didn’t let me. My moans became louder as Victor started to stroke my cock fast. I pressed my palms against the wall. “I will come on your back and on your stomach and…”

“Aaaah…Victor!” I screamed his name out loud, I couldn’t hold on, it took me just a few seconds, because his fingers, his voice I just couldn’t bear with everything. It was too fast. My body missed his touches so much, that every inch was reacting harder than it should. Oh God, that took my strengths… I was breathing deeply because I thought that now we will go to that big bed and try to do everything slower. Victor even pulled out fingers, so I wanted to turn around and wrap my arms around his neck but he didn’t let me do this. “Let me look at…AAAH!” I screamed so loud bursting into tears at the same time because just with one move he put his all hard and big cock inside me. The move was so quick that I felt the pain from the legs until my chest. I pressed my face to the wall, the pain which I felt because of the nose was nothing compared to this one. I was literally crying, with all sobbing, moaning and groaning complex.

“Finally…” Victor sighed and licked my ear, my body was shivering, I couldn’t explain how I was still standing on my feet. “Yuuri you are so tight… squeezing me so hard." He kissed my shoulder and stuck his fingers into my mouth. My mouth was full of saliva and my tears, but after he put his fingers inside, these fluids started running down my chin. I tried to swallow and I felt the taste of my own sperm from Victor's fingers “You want me to pull out?” he asked and I shook my head. If he pulls out that means he will try to put back in. I guess this kind of answer was enough for him. Victor started moving. Fast. Hard. I was crying, sobbing and choking I even bit his fingers which were still in my mouth. This terrible pain I was feeling gave me so much more that I could imagine. With every Victor’s move, I was feeling also his pain, his jealousy, his loneliness. He needed me so much. They were moves of a man who really didn’t have anyone in these more than two years because he needed me, and I gave him everything I had.

“Ahh… Vic-tor… please…” I begged when I couldn’t hold anymore, I even started feeling dizzy. After hearing my voice he moved one last time and came deep inside me. After all that pain, this part was amazing. With a little bit help of Victor’s hand, I also came the second time.

“Yuuri you are amazing…” He turned me around and I wrapped my arms around his neck, almost hanging on him. My legs weren’t holding and my whole body was trembling. I pressed my head to his shoulder and sighed from relief. I wasn’t crying anymore just sobbing a little bit. Yeah, my ass was itching and pulsating but I finally again belonged to Victor. “I am sorry… I couldn’t stop myself.” I shook my head saying that everything is fine. I wanted that. Victor gently rubbed my ass and then carried me to the bed. I let him take off all my clothes he also undressed and lied next to me.

“Victor…” I said after a few minutes. “I would really like to talk a little bit now, but…” I rolled on Victor, straddle him putting my palms on his face. “But it’s really not enough,” I said and kissed him.

“Are you sure…?” he put his hands on my ass and I moved my hips. Of course, I am sure. After giving me such first impression, now he had to make me love. Our cocks touched each other and I could feel that he is getting hard again.

“Haven’t you said that you want to come on my stomach… and back… and maybe in my mouth? We have missed two and a half year, I am taking them back.” I smiled and kissed his chin, then slowly bit his neck and Victor let out a sighed. A sigh of a pleasure.

“You won’t have any sleep tonight,” he said rolling back on me.

  
When finally I closed my eyes it was around six in the morning and it felt like a few seconds when I somebody woke me up by touching my face.

“Love, wake up. We have to go if you want to see Ana's and Alexey's dance.” I opened my eyes, Victor was next to the bed already dressed up with a big smile on his face, all fresh and clean. And I was smelling like a strawberry. Everywhere. “I brought you clean clothes from home.” He went home and came back? What time is now? I tried to get up, but I felt like somebody have put a knife in my ass, I gasped and lied back. Victor smile became guilty.

“Oooh… I need just a few more minutes” I said silently, trying not to cry again. Victor sat on the bed next to me. I think it was the first time he felt so guilty, but there is nothing he could have done. He laid his head on my stomach and I touched his silver hair. So soft. “How about Phichit's event?” I asked. Maybe I can go to both of them?

“It’s almost 2 p.m. That event is already over.” I looked at Victor with my eyes open wide. Oh no. What kind of friend am I? “I called to Phichit, he is not sad, don’t worry. I invited him to our place tonight.” Oh God. I love Victor so much. Somehow he magically finds an answer to every problem. Except of the problem with my butt.

In the car, I was lying on the back seat, because I couldn’t sit at all. I didn’t know how much will it take, I hope that fast because one night for me wasn’t enough. But Victor really won’t touch me now. I smiled thinking about last night. Perfect reunion.

We came to the hall where the competition took place just in time. Somebody offered me a seat, but I shook my head. I will just stand. It’s okay. Actually, I felt super tired, and all I wanted to do is go back and take a good rest before today’s dinner. I wanted to be in a good shape and talk with Phichit because after that we will see each other just in the autumn when competitions start. Well, I bet that Alexey and Ana are really good dancers, but… dancing on the floor is no really my type. I was watching how others are dancing and started to yawn. I took Victor’s hand and laid my head on his shoulder, I will close my eyes for one second.

“Here they are” I heard my lover’s voice and looked to the dance floor. From that moment I think I didn’t even blink. They were there wearing perfectly matching costumes, looking more like a little girl and boy, not like professional dancers. Ana’s dress was white but not very long and Alexey was wearing a white shirt and dark blue pants. He was lying on the floor looking into the ceiling. Ana was standing a little bit further. I couldn’t recognize their faces, Ana who was always smiling and jumping like a ball, now was so serious almost sad and incredibly beautiful. Alexey’s face was calm and relaxed. It’s not just a dance. They were actors. And then the music started.

I never thought that somebody can dance like that. With all their moves they were telling a story. A story about a boy who liked watching at stars and a girl who was always alone. When they met each other girl for the first time felt what it means to be happy and the boy fell in love with her smile. But in the end, the boy died. She was holding his head on her lap and after the last kiss, she became a star for him. I just couldn’t look away, it was more than a dance, than an act… it was something that you have to feel inside. All the spins and all the jumps they did were so graceful, coming from deep inside. I never thought that it’s possible to do such jumps from the spot. Every time when they touched each other, every time he lifted her body from the ground my heart almost stopped. It was pure. It was real. Even in the end, when his head was lying on the girl’s lap, she was dancing just with the top part of her body and hands. From all her moves I felt the pain she was feeling and then Ana laid on her back, with that silver hair all around her and closed her eyes. She had tears on her cheeks. They lived through this dance from the moment when the music started until the very end. That was love.

“Yuuri… are you crying?” Victor asked and I quickly shook my head, wiping my face with a palm. I wasn’t the only one, there was a lot of people who couldn't hold their tears. Crying because of beauty. That’s talent. Everyone stood up and started applauding, throwing flowers. Ana and Alexey were back to themselves. The girl was shining and smiling and Alexey again had that confidence in his face.

“They were dancing like you,” I said when we started moving from the hall. Alexey and Ana were the last dancer's pair and without any problems won this competition. We will wait for them in the parking. Victor looked at me and when we were outside, hugged me very tight.

“You can also dance like that, Yuuri. Just believe with everything you have.” I smiled knowing that I never would be able to be like this, but how can I say "no" to Victor. Of course, I will try my best.

After Alexey and Ana came I gave them a hug and Victor didn’t say anything this time. Not sure because of this night or because they really deserved that hug. Ana was so happy that I liked the performance, she even said that if I ever need any kind of help with choreography I can call anytime. I thought that they will stay in our place, but they had to return home. So they were going straight to the airport.

“Victor, you have to call me more!” Ana said before sitting into the taxi and grabbed Victor’s hand. I came closer to Alexey leaving them alone to find out about this thing. But from Victor’s face, I was sure that he won’t call.

“Yuuri it was nice to meet you.” Alexey hugged me and gave me something, a small sheet of paper. “Let’s talk sometimes” he gave me a quick kiss on the cheek leaving me surprised and then sat into the car. I think Ana gave up on Victor, so she also came closer and hugged me tight one more time then sat into the car. Then they left and I looked at the paper that Alexey gave to me. There was his number and email written. I smiled pretending that I am not seeing how Victor is rolling his eyes. I will make him tell me more about his family. Sooner or later. Suddenly I remembered about that other paper that doctor gave to me, it was still in the bag with dirty clothes.

After we came back home and Victor went outside with Makkachin I took out those papers from the hospital. There were some documents, then a few recipes and a little blue paper sheet. My heart stopped, but definitely this time not from pleasure. There was a number written and under it just a few words.

_Call me I want to see you one more time._


	16. Chapter 16. Yuuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Everything is over, Yuuri. We will be together now. This time forever. For sure.” There wasn’t any sign of doubt in his voice. I nodded few times and started crying even more. This time also from happiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Privet! :3
> 
> First of all, I saw that there were some of my beloved readers who didn't understand that part about paper sheet from the doctor. I think there might be someone else who didn't get, so I will just remind you what happened in chapters before :3 Okaaay, so:
> 
> Let's go back to the chapter 12, in the end, Phichit says:  
> “Good morning” Phichit smiled at me and I suddenly forgot that I wanted to drink. “I brought you some clothes, I hope they will fit. The doctor came he looked over on you and said that you can go home when you want. He left here some papers.” He was talking with a smile so happy about this, but I wanted to know another thing.
> 
> And then in chapter 13 there was this part:  
> "He slowly pulled out his phone from the pocket and called a taxi, while I was taking all the papers doctor left for me. It was something about medicine, I also saw a small paper with a number on it, but I didn’t have time to check what it is now. I just put everything in the same bag where my dirty clothes were and started going out of here."
> 
> And then later in the same the chapter, we have this:  
> "I looked at the spot where I was lying yesterday, it was clean, no sign of blood. I will hate this spot forever. I felt how Victor is looking at me, but I just walked to our flat, not telling anything. He opened the door and we went in, both my suitcases were standing next to the door, I dropped there a bag with my dirty clothes."
> 
> And just now Yuuri took those papers out to see what is written there. The doctor is the same who took a look at Yuuri's X-ray photo. ^^
> 
>  
> 
> Also, I want to add that I am so happy to read all your wonderful comments <3 They are making me smile so hard that I just can't!!! THANK YOU! I love you so much! <3 <3 <3  
> And thank you for your ideas about Victuuri date and then about Yuuri talking in Russian! Your wish are a command for me <3 I will make it come true :3 If you have any things you want to read, just tell me!! I already have a plan for all the chapters, but maybe I will be able to edit something ^^ And if not, I promised, that after I finish this story I will write a one shot with your idea! My gift to you <3 That's how I show my love <3
> 
> Thank you for reading and loving this work <3
> 
> Until next time,  
> Vitavili

I looked at that paper for a few minutes. Why does he want to meet me? Maybe he hasn't told me something about my leg and he wants to make sure that everything is okay? For this case I have Simon, he knows everything about my leg, better than anyone else. I couldn’t imagine other reason why this doctor wants to meet me, I even didn’t know his name. I looked at the documents he left for me: Oleg Drozdov that was his name. Well, thank you, Oleg, but I don’t need anything from you. I remembered how he was touching my stomach longer than he had to. Hm… I have enough crazy people around me, I don’t need one more. I crumpled the paper in my hand and put it somewhere in my pocket, I will throw it away as soon as I can. I really don’t want Victor to see it. Suddenly the doorbell rang. Did he forget keys? I walked to the hallway and opened the door it was Phichit and Makkachin (??). Oh, I thought that he is coming for dinner? But it was just 5 p.m. I didn’t prepare anything…

  
“Yuuri! You are looking so much better!” He smiled and hugged me then walked in and I closed the door. “Don’t worry I know that I came early, that’s why I brought something that we can cook!” He showed me a bag full of things he bought in the supermarket.

  
“Hey!” I said taking off Makkachin’s collar. “Sure! Great idea, because our fridge is almost empty, I thought that we will have to order something. You met Victor on your way here?” I asked and showed with my hand to follow me to the kitchen.

  
“Yeah, he went with Celestino to buy something for a drink” he stopped in front the table and started taking out everything he bought. I saw that he is trying to hide a smile from me by biting his lip. What am I missing?

  
“Phichit what is it?” I asked standing next to the chair, but I didn’t sit. This action still was too painful.

  
“Oooh, nothing… I just understood what Victor had in mind when he said this morning that you are tired” I started blushing and Phichit was giggling, because with my reaction I just proved his guess. “Sorry, maybe we should eat standing all together to comfort you?” he couldn’t hold himself and started laughing I suddenly grabbed a paper towel on the table and threw at him. Not funny at all. I coughed and tried to change the subject.

  
“So… what we are going to make?” I asked and looked at food that he bought. Hm… cooking wasn’t the strong part of me, but sometimes I could do that.

  
“How about Gaeng Daeng?” he asked and I raised my eyebrows, I have never heard of this dish. “It’s Thai food. Red Curry. I can call it my special.” He smiled and then I nodded with a smile, I have never tried Thai food made by Phichit so why not. As long as he won’t say anything about my hurting ass.

  
I never thought that cooking can be fun or maybe I forgot that it can be like that. I helped him to cut everything, we were talking about all these years that we missed. It was good to have my friend back, I remembered those times when we were training together in Detroit. How much since then happened? I told him about my leg a little bit and about my life, in general, it was kind of boring, but Phichit said that he has to send Thank You letter for Simon for bringing me back. I sighed, that’s true… shit, I haven’t called him since I came here. Suddenly Phichit hugged me and did a selfie. My reaction was too slow so I didn’t raise my head, I was cutting bamboo shoots. Phichit showed me the photo, I was glad, in it, because of my lowered head, my nose looked almost normal. Phichit was standing next to me smiling and holding ladle.

  
“I will upload this on my Instagram,” he said scrolling filters to find the best color for the photo. I saw how he writes “Reunion. Making dinner with BFF!” after that putting a million different hashtags. “Maybe I should send this to Seung, sometimes he forgets to check his Instagram” Phichit sighed with a smile and I stopped cutting bamboos.

  
“You’re together guys?” Suddenly I felt super happy for Phichit. I mean I didn’t know Seung very well, Victor even called him “that Korean guy” because he wasn’t interested in remembering his name. When I left Sant Peterburg Phichit and Seung didn't know each other. Jeez, they were so different!

  
“Yeah, we are.” Phichit gave me a smile putting the phone on the table and coming back to making the curry. I don’t know why I heard a little bit sadness in his voice. Maybe something is wrong? But it’s not my business. “Actually I have to be thankful to you. I saw that he has a kind heart when you left and everybody started searching for you.” He took from me those bamboos I cut and put them into the pot.

  
“So that’s the reason why you are not mad at me” I laughed and he shrugged with the smile and a little bit blushed. After that, Celestino and Victor came back home.  
  
Funny thing that I was sitting at the table with everyone, just with a pillow under my butt. Victor and Celestino bought few bottles of wine. It’s good that it’s not vodka because otherwise, I would have to hide myself this night somewhere.

  
“Vkusno!” Suddenly Victor smiled like a child after trying curry, I looked at him. Oh god, I missed those words so much. And that tone he used to say this word. At this moment I really wanted to kiss him very much, so I grabbed Victor’s leg under the table, he looked at me still with his smile. It was a dangerous game.

  
“Thank you!” Phichit said after I also told that I like the curry, Celestino must be eating it every day, he wasn’t very surprised. My ex-coach was more interested in drinking wine. Those Italians… “So, Yuuri, do you know your theme for this year Grand Prix?” after his question I suddenly forgot about my hand on Victor's leg. Shit.

  
“Well…” my lover was faster to answer. “I already thought about music and choreography, we can pick theme later. Next week we will start practicing.” I already have music and choreography? Really? Or is he lying? I really didn’t have time to think about that yet.

  
“You still didn’t start practicing for your program?” Finally, Celestino spoke. “I mean… it’s just two months left until first competition!” Shit. True. Maybe I shouldn't participate in this year’s Grand Prix? I can still participate next year. Even if I start training next week, I don’t know if I make my program in time.

  
“Everything is fine. Yuuri will do it and beat your ass.” Victor smiled and Celestio rolled his eyes, Phichit laughed, but somehow I started feeling nervous. I was sure that Phichit is training since the last Grand Prix. Last year he was second. I heard rumors that this year Yurio won’t participate in Grand Prix, if it’s true then it’s a big chance that Phichit will win. Even with Victor’s help, it sounds kind of impossible for me to reach final this year.

  
“Okay Okay, let’s not talk about work!” Phichit clapped his hands and then changed a subject to my relationship with Victor. I don’t know… which topic was better.

“Hey… do you really think that I can get to final?” I asked Victor after Phichit and Celestino left. They helped us to clean everything and then went back to the hotel because they had a flight early in the morning to Stockholm. We promised to see each other in Rome, in the first competition this year. I was lying on the couch in the living room, just with my underwear because I just came back from the shower.

  
“You can and you will. I will finish the program this week.” Victor said coming back from the kitchen and sat on the couch, putting my legs on his lap. Jeez, his hands were so cold… they are always so cold. Suddenly I remembered that Yurio told something about Victor’s heart. I knew that cold hands can be a symptom when you have something wrong with blood circulation. But I hopped that I am wrong. I woke up from my thoughts when Victor took off the splint from my knee and touched the skin. I was following his moves. It didn’t hurt, somehow those colds hands took the pain away. “Nine scars? Yuuri, tell me what happened...” he looked at me, and I understood what Victor was doing. He was counting. I sighed. It’s the second time I am telling this story today. But for Victor somehow, it sounded different maybe because I was talking from the bottom of my heart. I told him how I left to the village, how Maria took me in, how she helped me with Russian and how I met Simon… the most important what he has done for me.  
  
“So… it took 8 operations for me. Everyone was saying that he did a miracle. After I started walking again he won some kind of award for this. I was shown like an example for future medicine. It’s not that I started just walking again, he made something that I could live a normal life, doing sports and actives like a totally healthy person.” I smiled remembering my first steps after a long time. It’s so sad that Victor couldn’t see them. After that, I told Victor about my life in London and how Simon convinced me to start skating again. “I was hoping to meet you in autumn when competitions start, but I am so glad that we met in London.” I finished my story. It was a long one, but Victor hasn't said a word, just listening, holding his hands on my legs. After few minutes I started getting worried. What is he thinking about? “Victor? Say something.” I tried to sit, not paying attention to the pain.

  
“I just thought… that I wouldn‘t have been able to give you what Simon gave. I mean… if you haven’t left me, you would be still in the wheelchair.” His eyes turned sad so I hurried up to climb on him. After I straddle his legs and sat on laps, I took his face in my palms and made him look in my eyes.

  
“If not you… I wouldn’t have accepted that operation. I did it because I wanted to bring you back to me. It was because of you. Everything for you. From the first step I made.” After I finished my sentence he kissed me so hard and I wrapped my hands around his neck, putting my fingers in his hair. I wanted him again so badly, but after Victor touched my ass and I flinched we both understood that today this is not possible.

  
“Sooorrrry, I think we will have to watch a movie today or something…” he said after I put my head on his shoulder but something came into my mind. Something that, in the end, I haven’t done yesterday. I lifted my head and climbed down from his lap, kneeled between his legs in front of Victor. “Yuuri?” He understood everything and I saw how Victor’s body starts to react, even if I haven’t started anything yet.

  
“Just let me love you today…” I said blushing. After I said that somehow I felt embarrassed. I haven’t done this for so long. What if I screw up? No no no. I have to trust myself more in this kind of thing. I have to make him feel good. I quickly pulled down his pants and boxers, taking his hard cock into my hand. I saw how Victor squeezes a pillow next to him. “I missed you…” I am not sure if I talked with Victor or with his thing. Maybe with both. I looked at Victor before taking his cock into my mouth. His gaze was so strong and the color so bright. I will be the one who is going to melt here.

  
I closed my eyes and took it into my mouth at first just a little bit, tasting the top of his cock with my tongue. It was sweet and a little bit salty at the same time, so big and hard. I took it deeper into my mouth and Victor sighed. Yes. That’s what I wanted to hear. I am the only one who can satisfy Victor. I always was the only one. And always will be. I took it into my mouth as deep as I could and looked at Victor he was also looking at me. At the moment when our eyes met, he suddenly grabbed my hair and leaned forward.  
  
“Yuuri…” he let a deep sigh and I started moving my head. Fast. Faster. I was sucking his cock, tasting and enjoying it with every inch. I will make him show how weak he can become because of me. Don’t be shy Victor, show me. I gently pushed my teeth and he gasped. Come. Come. Come. I felt how he starts to move his hips, fucking my mouth. I grabbed his leg with one of my hands and took him so deep that I almost started choking. Then Victor came. He came so hard inside my mouth that I had to pull out his cock from my mouth immediately. I started coughing, but still swallowed everything. His taste was everywhere inside me. So sweet. Victor was breathing fast and deep, he leaned forward and took me in his arms, then kissed hard. Can he feel his taste in my mouth? I was actually proud of myself. “Yuuri… you have such a dirty mouth… really.” He licked my lips and then carried me to the bed.

  
We didn’t have sex, just kissed and touched each other. I was enjoying every second of it. I think I never felt better before. Even when we just started dating. This feeling was so much stronger. Deeper. I needed Victor in my life. I needed him to keep living.

  
“Victor…” I said after everything when we were just lying next to each other holding hands. Even without sex, he took everything from me. I came at least four times and every time harder than before. I couldn’t move, but this tiredness felt good. Maybe he is sleeping? But he opened one eye and looked at me. “Can you tell me… about your life without me? What happened?” I moved closer and put my head on his chest. His heart was beating rhythmically. That’s good.

  
He was lying in silence for about five minutes, like thinking about everything and then started his story. I didn’t say anything, but Victor told me everything. I was right. He had problems with his heart because of an overdose of sleeping pills… but this part was, not the worst. I felt his pain, his loneliness, his sadness, I felt what he lost when I left. His life was pointless, it was without colors without love. Victor stopped shining. He stopped enjoying skating. He died inside. He told me about his nightmares. And I was right again, I was dreaming the same. The second part of the story was a little better, maybe a little bit painful for me, because he told me how everyone made him forget me against his will. He became even emptier. He lost himself. Victor even told me that part about him and Yurio but made sure that nothing happened. He couldn’t find happiness. He didn’t want to be happy. After he finished the story, Victor let me cry as much as I wanted, hugging him. He touched my hair and sighed. Jeez, I thought that we will drown together from my tears.

  
“Everything is over, Yuuri. We will be together now. This time forever. For sure.” There wasn’t any sign of doubt in his voice. I nodded few times and started crying even more. This time also from happiness.

  
**2021, August 26.**

  
"Yuuri! Can you please not to do that fucking Tuck Axel in the end of your free program? Jeez.“ Victor shouted from another side of the rink when I did the last jump, I rolled my eyes. Why not? It’s not that I will break my leg again… It’s good that I didn’t say this out loud.

  
“But there is something missing…” I said sliding towards Victor, on my way to him I did toe loop jump. This day was good for jumps. “I just can’t… everything is alright with the short program, but this one… I just can’t, it’s something not right.” I stopped in front of him, Victor sighed and rubbed his chin. He is thinking about something.

  
“We don’t really have enough time to change program. It’s difficult and if you do everything without mistakes, it will be the most harder from all you have ever done. I think it will be the most difficult among all participants.” He looked at me crossing his arms across his chest. For the short program we left the same song I danced in London, just changed jumps and for the free program, Victor showed me one perfect soundtrack that he was holding for himself but never used. It was amazing. I loved it so much, but something felt wrong. It’s not about choreography or music. It’s about me. I couldn’t feel the dance in my heart.

  
“I know… it’s just… I have to find… something there. But I can’t.” I said taking his hand into mine and started sliding with Victor, he suddenly grabbed me and lifted, jumping at the same time. I hold my breath. Fuck. He just did double flip jump holding me. How can I be more amazing than him? It’s good that we were alone in the rink. It was already dark outside. He let me go and started sliding then jumped and did triple Salchow jump. He is jumping so easily.

  
“Then you have to find it. Go and run three times around the building.” He said and stopped. I laughed, he must be kidding. But Victor’s face was serious I opened my mouth from astonishment.

  
“What? Now?” I blinked, still not really getting if he is kidding or not.

  
“No. Tomorrow. Of course now. Go go go. I don’t have all night, we need to return home and I need to make love to you.” He clapped with his hands making me move. I blushed and started skating to the exit of the rink. He is serious. About sex also. Jeez.

  
“Yes, coach,” I said leaving the rink and putting my skates protectors on. Victor was spinning on the ice and then did his signature jump. Just great. He is making me run now! Can’t he be more understanding? We are skating here from the early morning. Every day. It seems when Victor gets into his coach mood he forgets about everything else. Okay okay, he just wants me to win, that’s it. I also want that. And now he is pissed off about that Tuck Axel I did.

  
I changed skates into my sneakers in the dressing room and then went outside, started running. It was warm and the lights around the building were turned on. Oh my god, I really feel tired. I stopped for a second in the shadow and started breathing heavily, holding on my knees. How many times he told me to run around?

  
Suddenly I heard something. A noise. At first, I thought that it might be some wild cat but it wasn’t. Someone was standing in the shadow about ten steps from me. A person. I looked at it and somehow my heart stopped.

  
“Privet! Yest' li kto-to zdes'?” (Hello! Is there someone here?) I asked out loud, just to make sure that it’s my imagination. But then the shadow moved towards me. I saw a tall man with a hood on his head. I stepped back and he moved forward and didn't stop, he was going towards me. Shit. I turned around and started running back to the ice center with all my speed. 


	17. Chapter 17. Yuuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I took Victor’s hand and started going outside, he woke up, started walking and laughing at the same time with his shirt almost fully opened. He will fall asleep at any second. I stopped a taxi with my hand. Opened the back door and from the third time, I succeeded to put him in. Victor was laughing so much, even when he hit his head on a taxi door. I could see taxi driver's poker face. Poor guy. I also wanted to sit in the car, but someone grabbed my hand, I looked at the man.
> 
> “Yuuri! It’s so nice to see you here. You want to go for a drink?” I looked at speakers face. Who the hell he is and how he knows my name? Another dumbass.
> 
> “Noooo.” But he didn’t let my hand go. I was still looking at his face. I really saw him somewhere. But I felt dizzy and I couldn’t recognize him.
> 
> “You don’t remember me? I am a doctor from the hospital!” he smiled and suddenly I remembered that smile. It’s Oleg! What a surprise. He saw that from my face. “I was walking home after a shift and saw you. So, what do you think?” he was smiling and I started thinking that maybe one more beer wouldn’t be so bad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hola!
> 
> Here I come with a new chapter like always :3 So just a few things before reading:  
> I did Victuuri date, but I don't know if it's fluffy enough, I guess I could do better T_T If you are missing some romance, you will get some more when Yuuri and Victor will go for a trip! Yaaaaay~~~ and how you asked I did a drinking part where Yuuri had to speak in Russian :3 Cutie!  
> In the end, I also did the part where Yuuri speaks in Russian while they are Making Love. That way making Victor vulnerable. I hope that I succeeded! ;o  
> The ones, who wanted to read these things, please tell me did you like it or not! If not, I will do my best and try again in another chapter :3
> 
> Thank you and love you <3  
> Vitavili

_Safe._

  
That was the first word that came into my mind when the door behind my back closed. I was breathing so fast and my legs started to shake, I turned around, but there was no one outside. The man was gone. He didn’t want me to see his face. The worst thing was that it’s not the first time I saw him. I kneeled on the cold floor and started breathing deep and slow. Calm down, Yuuri. Calm down. Just after a few minutes, I was able to stand up. Maybe I should tell Victor this? I came to the dressing room and sat down. The first time it happened in the first week of August when I was walking with Makkachin late in the evening, I saw someone on the other side of the street. It's summer so I still was able to see everything, but the man was standing in the shadow. Well, of course, anybody could stand there, but then he started following me, at the end, I haven’t gone to the park. All the evening I was telling myself that it was just my imagination. But then was the second time, few days after that, when I left the supermarket. It was the middle of the day, but I could feel that somebody is watching me. I saw some suspicious man with a hood. But I wasn’t sure if he really follows me. So in total this happened 5 times, this one was the sixth and I was getting nervous. Maybe I am just getting too tired of my practice and started to imagine things? But there really was someone outside. I can’t hold this to myself. Even if Victor will laugh, I have to tell him or I will lose my mind.

Suddenly I flinched when my phone started ringing. Shit. Don’t scare me like that. I took my phone out of the pocket and looked at the name on the screen. Oh my….

“Simon? Hey!” I answered and tried to make my voice happy. My heart still didn’t stop beating like crazy.

“What’s with this question? Surprised? You totally forgot me, I am crying,” Simon made his sad voice making me feel guilty. That’s true I haven’t called him. I sighed.

“I am sorry…” Somehow I didn’t feel talkative at all. My mind was still outside thinking about that strange freak.

“Huh? Yuuri are you alright? Your voice sounds strange… Don’t tell me that something happened with Victor?!” his voice became scared. I started shaking my head, but he obviously couldn’t see that. If anything would have happened with Victor I wouldn't be talking right now.

“No no no no!” I repeated about four times the same word and laughed, at least tried to laugh. “I am sorry, Simon, it’s just I was thinking about something at the moment when you called. It’s nothing. How are you?” I smiled to the phone trying to think just about my friend in London. I was really happy that he called.

“Maybe I should call later?” he asked still with a worried voice.  
  
“No no no. Just forget it.” I took a deep breath. “I am happy that you called! Really!”

“Okay, so how about if I tell you that I am coming tomorrow to Moscow? For one day! Hehehe, I found really cheap last second flight. I knew that you are too busy to remember a friend, sooo I thought that I will just come to you. Is that fine? You will have time for me tomorrow?” I was listening but at first, I thought that I am hearing things. Is he serious? Is he coming for me?

“SIMON! Jeez! I can’t believe it! Of course! You can sleep at my place! And you will meet Victor!” This new just made me forget about what happened. For now. I just got too excited.

“Oh no, I will have a flight early in the morning and leave in the evening. I have to go to work next day. But still. Yeah, I really want to meet Victor.” He laughed and I couldn’t hold my smile. The best news. I couldn’t wait to see him. “Okay, then we will meet tomorrow, I will send you a message with the time!” he told me with a happy voice. I said goodbye to him and hung up the phone.

“With who you were talking?” I heard the voice next to the door. It was Victor, I suddenly jumped to my feet with a big smile on my face and stepped towards him.

“Simon! He is coming to Moscow tomorrow for one day!” Victor raised his eyebrows and then smiled, he grabbed me and pressed against his chest.

“You sound too excited. Stop or I will start getting jealous.” Victor kissed my ear and I lifted my head to see his eyes. His was all shining, happy for me. But I knew how jealous he can become. “By the way, you were running for ages, I told just three times, not a million.” He leaned to kiss me but suddenly remembered the reason. So I stepped back. “Yuuri?” he looked surprised and let me go. I looked down. Do I really have to tell him?

“There was… someone watching me. I saw him in the shadows. I know that it may be just my imagination... Maybe I am too tired. But I already saw him a few times. I don’t know who it might be, do you believe me?” I watched at him, begging that he won’t start laughing. But Victor's face was serious.

“If it’s not the first time you are seeing someone watching you, so why you are telling me it just now?” When I shrugged he sighed. Victor had a point. I was just thinking that it’s not important. My lover took me in his arms again. “I would say that it might be that stupid Yurio again but…”

“But he is in Switzerland.” I finished Victor's sentence. I knew that. By the way, Yurio wasn’t that type of people who like stalking others. It’s something different. “He was lucky that Chris agreed to be his coach. But Yurio is not participating in this year’s Grand Prix? Right? You know why?” I asked and this time Victor let me go. He didn’t want to talk with me about Yurio. He was already pissed off that I made him send the money for the medicine. It was for his grandpa, not for Yurio himself. I think that I did a right thing. Victor started untying his skates. We won’t skate today anymore! Thank you, God…

“You know that I am not talking with him… so how should I know why?” he was lying. He knew why. But somehow he didn’t want to tell me. For what possible reason? Yurio was doing practice because he wanted to participate later this year in some small competitions, but all in Russia. He didn’t want to leave this country in autumn. Why? Maybe because of his grandfather?

“I just asked… you don’t have to be such an ass.” I came and started rubbing Victor’s hair. Can’t he just forgive Yurio? I already did this. Didn’t we decide to start a new page? Victor grabbed my hand and kissed it. I smiled. See? He can be good when he wants.

“Sorry, it’s just... I can’t forgive so easily. He even didn’t say sorry.” Victor let go of my hand and put his shoes on, then looked at me. “About the stalker… maybe there was someone of your fans?” he smiled and I froze. That reminded me something.

“You are serious? A Fan?” I looked at Victor, not sure if I want to say him that or not. Oh well, it’s better if he hears this from me. “Talking about that… Phichit yesterday send me one page… like a blog or something. About us.” Victor stood up and started reaching his bag, but suddenly stopped. Okay, I got his attention. “How should I call it… it’s something like a fandom. Like a huge one, that page is full of our photos, videos and even… stories.” The last word I said with a doubt in my voice. I wasn’t sure if can call them a story. I tried reading one but closed it after reading the first page. It was enough for my eyes.

“A story? You mean like a fanfiction?” He asked and blinked. Victor knows about fanfictions? Is he reading them? No, obviously not.

“Yeaaah, something like that.” I don’t know why I started blushing. Maybe because those fanfictions were more like a sex guide. To think about that someone is writing how I am having sex with Victor. Should I call it creepy? “But that’s not the thing.” I sighed, there was something more than that. “They have a name for us.” When Victor raised his eyebrow I opened my mouth but somehow it took a few minutes for me to say that. It’s embarrassing. “Viktuuri. They call us like that”. I made a serious face. For few seconds it was quiet we were just looking at each other, Victor was thinking about something.

“Amazing!” Suddenly he laughed. Amazing? I opened my eyes widely from surprise. “It’s made from Victor and Yuuri, right? Wow! Just genius! I want to read that.” He started looking excited. Victor was always crazy about his fans. But just no. NO.

“Never.” I took my bag and started walking. I didn’t expect that his reaction will be like that. No really. It’s a serious thing. I heard how Victor is walking behind me and laughing. Stupid Phichit. Why he sent me that. I loved my fans, really… but that was just too much. If they want to write those things I can’t say anything, but I didn’t want Victor to read them. Jeez. I hope that Phichit also doesn’t read them. Somehow I could imagine him doing that. When we were outside, putting our bags into the car suddenly Victor hugged me. I didn’t react at first.

“Hey Yuuri, let’s leave the car here and go for a walk?” he said and I forgot that I am mad. I turned around and looked at him. Seriously?

“It’s a date?” I asked wrapping my arms around his neck. Is he really asking me to go on a date around Moscow? I thought that I'll never hear that. I blushed a little bit, we didn’t have an official date for so long.

“Of course.” He smiled and gave me a small kiss then let me go. “Viktuuri is going on a date!” he clapped his hands and that wiped a smile from my face. Dumbass. I started going to the metro station and Victor caught me pretty fast. Still smiling like a sunshine. I know what he was thinking about.

Moscow is such a wonderful city. Especially at night time, when lights turn on, making everything looking magical. I couldn’t say what I like better. Moscow or Sant Peterburg. Sometimes I missed our old home, but I still fell in love with this city. It was the first time when I am walking here this late with Victor. I took his hand and pressed hard. I don’t care how people will stare at us. It’s their problem, not mine. After a half an hour I already felt relaxed. Suddenly Victor stopped next to the women who was selling flowers in the street. I can’t believe that someone is still working at this hour. Victor bought a red rose and then gave it to me. Huh? I took it and blushed so hard, that even the dark couldn’t save me.

“Is a date, right?” He said and kissed my forehead, I saw that a woman behind us is smiling. She was young and obviously didn’t have anything against couples like us. I took again his hand and we started walking towards the Red Square. Through it was Thursday night, the city center was still full of people. So we were almost invisible to others. That’s a good thing.

“Should I also buy you something?” I asked and after he laughed I looked at the rose. It was beautiful. Then I watched at Victor. Nop. He was still more beautiful compared to everything I have ever seen in my life. His perfect face was something that just an ancient artists were able to make. His silver hair was a little bit longer than at the time we met, but still remarkably suited to him. Well, I am not even talking about his eyes, it’s not a secret, that this is the only thing that can completely enslave me. In the night city lights, the color became even more catching than ever before. How potato like me ended up with a man like Victor? If someone 10 years ago would have told me that I will be dating with Victor Nikiforov I would have really told that person to go and check his brain. Suddenly I jumped on Victor, that way surprising not only him, by also myself. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my head to his shoulder.

“I love you,” I said hugging him so tight, that even my arms started hurting. So we were standing in the middle of Red square. Hugging each other. Just a part of the huge crowd. Just a part of this huge word, but the feeling was so strong, that I thought that everyone should have started feeling it.

“I love you too.” He said and I felt a smile in his voice. It wasn’t just a phrase. He said this with his strong and confident voice. He said it with his heart. If his heart really belongs to me, then I don’t need anything else in this world. I lifted my head and searched for his lips. So soft, I licked them with my tongue, tasting. The kiss wasn’t a long one, but it warmed my heart. I wasn’t afraid of anyone. I forgot about all stalkers and freaks. It’s just us now.

We were walking, holding hands and talking. Not about ice skating, not about people that we knew, we were talking about us, remembering every perfect moment we had together. For example our first date or first holiday we had together.

“We should go somewhere. Somewhere not too far away, just for a few days.” Victor said. At the time we were already in the middle of the bridge. Under us, river Moskva was flowing. Yeah, we should. I nodded and looked down at the dark river. I could see city lights on the water. “I will search for the tickets.” He smiled so happily that I agreed. I already could imagine how we are walking on the beach together. YES.

“Hey… Victor, why you love me?” I asked the question which was bothering me for some time. I knew that I have to trust myself more. I knew that he won’t leave me. I believed that now we will be together, but still, sometimes I was thinking about this thing and my heart was itching. I wanted to hear the reason. Victor looked at me and took my face into his palms.

“Do you need a reason to love your life?” he said touching my lips with his thumb. “Is there a true reason to love your better part? How can you not love someone who is making you better? How can you not love someone who motivates to open your eyes in the morning? I could say a million reasons why I love you, but it’s pointless, it’s just words. And words don’t say us the truth… it’s just a combination of letters and love is just a word. To be honest… I am like a child… I don’t need a reason to love you. But I love you with all my heart. I just feel it. And nobody can change that.” I was listening to him, not even breathing. I forgot how to do that. My heart stopped and my body started trembling. Even after 10 million years studies about love, I would never be able to say such a thing. And he just created it. In the spot. My eyes were opened widely, I couldn’t move.

“Stop being so perfect,” I said suddenly grabbing his shirt and Victor smiled. This confession was more than enough for me. I trusted him. I was his better part and he was mine. Without each other everything becomes pointless.

“Kiss me.” He asked and I did it. Harder than before. Also giving my whole heart to him.

After that, we went to some kind of bar for a drink. It was full of people, so we had to sit at the bar. Victor asked for a beer. I still didn’t like talking Russian in public. Maybe because of that accent I had, they were always looking at me, like I am saying something wrong. We started drinking a beer and then I honestly don’t remember how everything ended up with vodka shots. When Victor started unbuttoning his shirt I understood that he drank too much.

“Aaaa! Stop!” I grabbed his hands. I was drunk too, my head felt dizzy and my tongue felt like twisted. It’s so hard to speak. When I stopped his hands, I started to laugh. Victor was looking at me like a child then leaned forward. “Waaaaait, let’s go ho-“ I wanted to jump from the chair but I fell. Even this thing was funny.

“Yuuri, is it comfortable on the floor?” he giggled, I grabbed his leg and tried to stand up on my feet. Yeah, very comfortable. I would like to make love here. Of course not. Oh, god… we need to pay. But Victor didn’t seem in condition to do that. Now he was laughing because there was something in the glass. Shit, I need to speak in Russian… I can’t do that when I am sober, so how can I do it now?

“Etto… eeee… my...” fuck how to say pay in Russian. “Victor, how to say "to pay" in Russian?” I asked touching his shoulder, he looked at me and blinked, like not getting why I am asking that.

“Shiharaimasu,” he said and covered his face with palms, hiding his smile.

“You dumbass… it’s in Japanese!!” I rolled my eyes and looked again at the bartender, he was looking at us, not understand at all. Shit. I tried again “My khotim…etto…. Pay… schet” I tried explain showing some signs with my hands, Victor wasn’t moving. Jeez, don’t fall asleep. How is it… “Oplatit’!” Suddenly I remember the word. So proud of myself “My khotim oplatit shcet.” (We want to pay the bill) I finally said it normally and bartender nodded.

“With the card or in cash?” he asked. WHAT. That fucker knows English?? Dumbass. I took out my bank card and paid with it, not saying even thank you. Yeah right, very funny. Asshole.

I took Victor’s hand and started going outside, he woke up, started walking and laughing at the same time with his shirt almost fully opened. He will fall asleep at any second. I stopped a taxi with my hand. Opened the back door and from the third time, I succeeded to put him in. Victor was laughing so much, even when he hit his head on a taxi door. I could see taxi driver's poker face. Poor guy. I also wanted to sit in the car, but someone grabbed my hand, I looked at the man.

“Yuuri! It’s so nice to see you here. You want to go for a drink?” I looked at speakers face. Who the hell he is and how he knows my name? Another dumbass.

“Noooo.” But he didn’t let my hand go. I was still looking at his face. I really saw him somewhere. But I felt dizzy and I couldn’t recognize him.

“You don’t remember me? I am a doctor from the hospital!” he smiled and suddenly I remembered that smile. It’s Oleg! What a surprise. He saw that from my face. “I was walking home after a shift and saw you. So, what do you think?” he was smiling and I started thinking that maybe one more beer wouldn’t be so bad, but suddenly Victor let a sound in the car and taxi driver asked.

“Vy yedete so mnoy ili net?” (You are going with me or not?) and I looked at the car. Oh right.

“Sorry, maybe next time!” I smiled to the doctor and let his hand go. Then sat in the car and closed the door in front of his face. “Aaaa… Victor, tell him where are we going.” I asked for my lover but he wasn’t in condition even to speak in his own language. Jeez, again. “Aaaa… my…” GOD DAMN. I forgot the street name we are living in. Seriously Yuuri? “Etto… street Bolshoy Palashevsky…” The driver looked at me and sighed, then started going. It was too hard to remember the building's number now. “Ya… vam… rasskazhu…” (I will tell you…) I said and driver raised his eyebrows.

“Rasskazhes’ chto?” (Tell what?). He was looking at us like we were some kind of alcoholic lovers. Hahaha, today I can’t disagree with him.

“Kogda ostanovit'sya…” (When to stop) I finished the sentence and sighed. The driver rolled his eyes and nodded. Oh shit, I said today in Russian more than in all this month.

Somehow I don’t remember how we came back home. To pay for a taxi I had to take out Victor’s wallet from his pants, because I didn’t have cash. I don’t even remember how much I gave to the driver, but he looked happy. Oh well. Somehow I dragged Victor to the building. He was sleep walking. But when we reached the fifth floor he suddenly woke up. Well just great! Couldn’t you wake up, when I needed you! Oh shit, I left my rose somewhere. It’s this baka fault. I walked to the door first, not waiting for Victor. When I opened the door, Makkachin came, but he wasn’t so happy about drunk people so he left soon. I started taking off my shoes.

“Yuuuuuuuuuuuri, I want to love you,” Victor said and hugged me from behind, started unbuttoning my shirt, I was still a little bit mad. Not really in the mood to make love. But he was drunk and happy. The happiest was the lower part of his body. Really? He started touching my body and that’s it. I gave up. How can I pull him off, when Victor is touching me and making me melt?

“Ladna, lyubi menya.” (Fine, love me.) I said and smiled, turning around. Victor opened his mouth from surprise and then hugged me stronger. I touched the wall with my back and we started kissing. Kissing slow and deep, I was exploring his mouth with my tongue feeling the taste of beer, vodka, some other alcohol, and Victor. I took off his shirt completely, then started pulling down his pants together with the boxers. Since I was doing everything so slow, Victor was already done with my clothes, now his hands were touching all my body. I could feel that I am deeply desired. His cold hands were heating my body.

“Spal'nya.” (Bedroom) I said right into his ear and Victor sighed. It’s not enough. I know that you can do more.

I moved my head a little bit that he could kiss my neck and chin and started walking, pushing him with my body. He trusted me, Victor was walking backward but didn’t stop even for one second. When we reached the bedroom, he suddenly turned me around and we fell on the bed. I put my head on the pillow and Victor lied down between my legs. He found my lips again and I understood what he is going to do right now, so I lifted my hips a little bit. I moaned loudly in Victor’s mouth when he slowly started entering me. I grabbed the blanket next to me and squeezed so hard that it even started to hurt. Victor started moving. Slow. He was putting his cock into me as deep as he could and then almost pulled it out. Then repeated, I moved my lips from his and moaned again. Oh shit, he is everywhere… in all parts of my body. His love was so strong. With another hand, I grabbed on Victor’s hair and put my lips on his ear.

“Ne ostanavlivays'. Pozhaluysta… Ne perestan'… (Don’t stop [with the meaning don’t stop moving]. Please. Don’t stop [with the meaning don’t stop what you are doing now].) I begged him, moaning right into his ear. And I heard what I wanted. Victor let the sound from his lips. He was melting now, becoming so vulnerable. “Lyubi menya.” (Love me.) I cried out load just a second before reaching my limits. From the moves my cock was rubbing Victor’s stomach, I gasped and came holding my breath. Victor’s body trembled.

“Lyublyu.” (I love you) He said and came inside me hard making me almost lose my mind.

“Victor?” I spoke after a few minutes of silence, he was lying next to me, but sleeping already. I was able to hear his relaxed breathing. Right, I won’t be able to wake him up. I kissed his hair and got up from the bed. I need to drink water. Simon is coming at 12:30 p.m. so I need to wake up without a hangover. I went to the kitchen feeling a little bit dizzy and took clean glass, poured fresh water in it. Hm… what can I show to Simon tomorrow? I was thinking about this holding the glass when suddenly something came into my mind.

_I was walking home after a shift and saw you._

Wait.

Walking home? But the hospital was on the other side of the city. It would take more than two hours to walk from there. And if he was after his shift… then he should be tired… oh shit. Suddenly in front of my eyes I again saw a man in the shadow and now he had a clear face.

The glass from my hand fell down on the floor and crashed into million pieces.

 


	18. Chapter 18. Yuuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “That’s very good for you. But if you ever touch me again… I… hey, pig…” Yurio was breathing fast holding on his knees, but he suddenly stopped talking probably when he saw that I am holding on my hair. Victor… Victor… I started searching for a phone in my pocket, when I felt that somebody touched my shoulder, I raised my head. It was Yurio, his body was leaned forward and he was looking straight at me. So close.
> 
> “How I should interpret that?” suddenly I heard Victor’s voice, he was standing next to the door. Frozen and looking so mad, I have never seen him like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sveiki! (It's how you say hello in my language :D)
> 
> First thing, that I changed the number of chapters, hehehe, I added one more! Just because I felt that I really want to write another extra chapter. I can tell you a secret, the 31 chapter will be Christmas extra :33 I love Christmas and I won't miss a chance to write how Viktuuri spends them together <3
> 
> There was something more what I wanted to say...  
> OH RIGHT...  
> I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH! Because I am new here, just today I understood that you can give just ONE Kudo to the whole work :o In this case, this means that almost 400 people liked my work! OH MY GOD. At the moment my heart almost stopped. I can't believe it :D I mean, I started to write this story because I thought "Okay, so I will have something written on the internet, at last. Maybe few people will also read it. Sounds fun." BUT THIS! I am crying. Literally. I think my friends already got tired of me talking about this :D I never thought that my writing is good enough for someone to be interested in it. Somehow I feel a lot of love today. And I honestly wait for any of your comments, so much, sometimes I even get up at night to check this page. Crazy, right? :DD  
> Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!!!!!!
> 
> P.S. In the next chapter, Viktuuri is going on holidays! Should be fun :3  
> P.P.S. How to say hello in your language?
> 
> Vitavili <3

I woke up when I heard a gasp. I think I wouldn‘t have heard anything… but that was Victor’s voice, so my body reacted spontaneously. I opened my eyes and tried to get up, but I had to lay down again because my head was spinning like hell. What happened yesterday?

“Victoooooor?” Somehow I rolled from the couch. Why am I sleeping on the couch in the living room? I couldn’t explain that. I almost fell but somehow reached the kitchen, I had to grab the wall to hold somehow on my feet. I wanted to drink so much, everything was blurry. Where are my glasses? Victor was standing in the kitchen, in the middle of shards. How? What? All my hangover was gone in one second when I saw a blood. “What happened?? Did glass fell from your hand? Don’t move!” I rushed to take a broom. I am also with naked feet. Actually, I was all naked…

“Nooo… I just wanted to drink so I went to the kitchen and stepped on this. I was so sleepy… so I didn’t notice them.” He didn’t move, but I could hear the pain in his voice. Shit, I hope that he is not hurt really badly. How could this happen? Someone of us wanted to drink at night and accidently broke the glass?

“Alright, sit down… I cleaned the way to the chair.” I need to find my glasses to clean the rest, but it seems that it’s safe to reach the chair. Victor started going, more like jumping on his right feet. “Watch your steps…” I said worried and when he sat down I sighed with relief. “Give me to take a look,” I asked taking his leg into my arms, I also sat down on other chair and lifted his leg, looked at the feet. There was a small cut on one of his toes but nothing serious. Thank you, God. “You will survive.” I smiled to Victor and took a paper towel to press the spot where the blood was coming from. I put his feet on my lap, holding it with my hands. We will need to wait until the bleeding stops, then I will search for some disinfectant. Victor put his head on the table and closed his eyes.

“Do you remember something from yesterday?” he asked and I knitted my eyebrows. Hm…yesterday. We went to the bar… started drinking beer and… I don’t even remember how we got back home. Obviously one of us was soberer, but I couldn’t say it was me or Victor. “And why you weren’t sleeping in the bed? Did we had a fight?” He opened his eyes and looked at me. I even didn’t know how to answer to his first question, so how should I know an answer for this. But since we are both naked I don’t think that we had a fight. Or maybe we had a fight after the sex.

“I don’t know… I just remember that the taste of vodka was horrible and pretty much that’s it. And did you see my glasses?” I asked. Oh, my god, that’s so many questions without answers! I won’t drink ever again. And why I have this shit taste in my mouth. How much did we drink? But it seems that even if we had a fight, I was the one who left the bedroom, maybe I wanted to drink, but I felt dizzy and glass fell from my hand… then maybe I was feeling too drunk to clean everything so I just went to the living room and fell asleep. That was my version, so I repeated it to Victor, he listened and shrugged.

“That might be true… Aaaand… I think I saw your glasses next to the bed.” He yawned and smiled at me. His eyes were so sleepy and cute, I reached his hair and took one strand between my fingers. “I don’t know if we really had a fight, but just in case, let’s make up.” Victor touched my chin with his fingers and I leaned forward nodding. When our lips were almost touching I remembered something. I suddenly retreated and looked at the clock, but I couldn’t see the time without my glasses. Victor looked surprised that we didn’t finish our kiss.

“What time is it?! Simon’s plane is landing at 12:30.” I asked and started feeling worried. Why I had to drink so much yesterday? Shit… I squinted trying to see the time, but it didn’t work like that.

“It’s almost 11 a.m.” Victor turned his head and looked at the clock on the wall. Oh, I need to get ready. “Yuuri… I left my car next to the ice center and I am still not in the condition to drive.” He sighed and I felt that he is sorry. I let his leg go, it seems that bleeding has stopped. I stood up, Victor also, I wrapped my arm around his waist to help reach the bedroom. “But we can meet later somewhere in city… Yuuri, don’t be mad.” he did that sad puppy face. But I wasn’t mad, just thinking.

“Eh? No no, it’s fine! I will take a taxi to get to the airport… and from there… maybe we will go with a train and then with metro. Let’s meet somewhere in the center and eat together.” I smiled and Victor looked relieved. How can I be mad because of this thing, I mean… yesterday I also was drinking like a pig. I think it’s the first time when I drank so much, that I forgot what happened. Our clothes were everywhere in the hallway. Yeaaaah, we really did have sex.

We reached the bedroom and Victor sat on the bed, I helped him to take care of that little cut on his toe and after that, I finally gave him a small kiss. It was better since I found my glasses, Victor laid back again in the bed and covered himself with a blanket. I wish I could also lay next to him right now. Even Makkachin jumped and laid next to him, Victor hugged our dog like he was a pillow. Did Makkachin come to meet us when we got back? Shit... I have to try and remember... I had to do everything so fast to make in time, so I quickly took a shower, then put clean clothes on, finished cleaning the floor in the kitchen, I was trying to drink water as much as I could, I also brought a bottle of water to Victor.

“Victor, I am taking some cash from your wallet, because all my money is on the card!” I shouted before leaving. Where is my phone? Oh, here it is. I found it in the pocket of my jeans from yesterday in the other pocket I found my wallet. Good, I didn’t lose anything. But I couldn’t explain why Victor’s wallet was lying next to the door.

“Sure!” he shouted from the bedroom. “Be careful. I will call you!” I smiled and left. It’s so cute when someone cares about you. The most important problem is yesterday. I hope that we didn’t do something crazy. Our date until the bar was more than perfect…

I was already in the taxi near the airport when I felt that strange feeling inside me. The feeling... that I don’t remember something very important. What was it again? I closed my eyes and tried to think. Okey… in the bar, we drank beer and then something more and vodka. A lot of it. But who of us have paid for everything? And then… did we take a taxi to get home? For Victor, it’s not the first time he forgets things, but for me it is, so I was a little bit scared. I have to be more careful. We are lucky that everything ended up good. Shit, I need to remember, because otherwise, I won’t find peace.

I had to stop thinking because the taxi car stopped in front of the airport. I paid and left. It was 12:34, so the plane already had landed. This airport was huge, but I was really lucky because gates of the plane from London were the first. So I made it in time. When I reached the gates, people just started leaving. I saw Simon right away, he was the only one Japanese here.

“Simoooon!” I waved at him with the little bottle of water in my hand rushed towards a friend with a big smile on my face.

“Yuuri!” He smiled back and then looked at my face. “Hard night, huh?” he laughed and I rolled my eyes. He’s a doctor, obviously, he can see from my face that I have a hangover. Maybe I should ask him later about that gap in my memory?

“Don’t even ask. Victor will join us later.” I said trying to change a subject for now and Simon nodded still with the smile. I think he understood why Victor is not with me right now. “It’s your first time in Moscow?” I asked when we started going to the train station, there was a train going right from the airport to the center.

“Yeah, it’s sad that I am here just for one day. By the way, Yukiko is sending you greetings! She couldn’t come...” Yukiko was Simon’s wife. Oh my, I missed her also. We stood in the line to buy tickets and I looked at the schedule. There is one train in ten minutes. Good.

“You will have to come with her again.” I looked at him and Simon nodded. It seems that he has a lot of work lately, he really seemed tired.  
We started to talk about our lives in these few months. Simon laughed that he doesn’t have a lot what to say because all he sees is work and bed. Poor guy, like I could say something different, for me it was ice skating and bed. When we were already going with metro, Simon asked me about my leg and I remembered what happened with Yurio. At first I didn’t want to tell him, but in the end, Simon saw through me. I am like an open book. I had to tell him what happened, of course, my friend was in total shock, but he got more worried about my leg. I said that there is nothing to be afraid of because I was feeling just fine and the doctor in hospital… wait… doctor…

“Yuuri, is that Victor?!” Suddenly Simon asked, we were already walking in the center and I got distracted. I blinked and lifted my head. It was a huge poster of Victor hanging on the wall of one big supermarket. In this poster, his chin was a little bit lifted and he had that smile on the face, full of confidence, somehow so sexy even his gaze in this photo was so alive. Shit, he is looking at me with the same look when we are in bed. I shouldn’t be surprised that almost every girl was turning her head to stare at that poster. “You didn’t say that he is also a model!”

“Sometimes.” I shrugged. “But it’s not his first job. Victor is working at the International Skating Union, they have an office in Moscow also and he is my coach.” I explained still looking at that poster, his shirt was almost fully unfastened. He was holding on his shirt collar. That was an expensive clothing store commercial. Oh, I can’t be jealous, it’s his job after all. I turned my head to the different side. “Let’s go here,” I said starting moving towards Red Square. You can't visit Moscow and not come here.

So we were walking, it’s not that I knew this city very well, but I could show him the main parts. After a few hours, Victor called and asked if we can come to one restaurant. I searched it in google maps, and found out, that it’s not very far away. Suddenly I started feeling nervous about Victor’s and Simon’s meeting. Victor was my lover and Simon was the man who saved my life. I don’t want to choose. But if I have to… I think everyone knows the answer.

“Hey, Simon… I wanted to ask you one thing.” When he looked at me, curious about it I started thinking that it’s not that important. Well since I already started... “It’s just yesterday I was drinking with Victor… today I woke up and I don’t remember anything, even how we returned home. To be honest, I am a bit scared, it’s the first time this happens to me.” I said feeling stupid, but Simon was looking at me with a smile on his face.

“Well Yuuri, that’s called the blackout. It happens because there is so much alcohol in your system that your brain can not get enough oxygen. You could have come home doing normal things and then in one moment you have reached the limit. That’s really dangerous thing, Yuuri. And the only solution is stop drinking because later it can become worse.” Simon stopped walking for a second and looked at me. Oh shit, I didn’t think that it might be so serious.

“Will… will I remember what happened?” I asked. I will stop drinking, also I will make Victor stop. Shit shit, it’s not funny at all.

“I don’t know… memory is a strange thing. Maybe yes, maybe no. If you are going to drink you also have to do the balance between drinking alcohol and drinking water that might save you next time. But still, it’s better to stop playing this kind of game, alright?” I nodded like a child, that’s so bad. So bad. We will have to talk with Victor about this when we get home.

When we came to the restaurant Victor was already here, actually looking much better than I did. He stood up from the chair when we came in and smiled to Simon, giving him his hand. From that moment I calmed down, from the way they were looking at each other I knew that everything will be just fine. Actually they were talking more than I did, I was somewhere lost in my mind, still thinking about Simon’s words, so mostly I was just nodding or smiling. I learned some new things about Simon, which he never told me before. My friend was so into the talk that he didn’t notice that something is wrong with me, but Victor saw this. Of course, he didn’t ask in front of Simon.

“We will definitely come next time together with my wife!” Simon said when we left the restaurant, my friend went out first, so Victor took my hand and pressed it hard, just for a second, but I started feeling better. We stopped to buy some souvenirs for Yukiko and then went to the place where Victor left his car.

“Simon, it’s really okay if I am not going with you to the airport?” I asked taking out my bag from Victor’s car. We decided that I can still go to the ice center for practice and Victor will drive Simon to the airport, then comes to the center.

“Of course not! You have to get ready for Grand Prix! I will make sure to take holidays on days of the final. Can you tell me where again?” he asked and I sighed. I mean, I was almost sure that I won’t get to the final, but if he takes holidays and buys a flight… I will feel guilty.

“In Japan, Kyoto,” I said trying to hold a smile on my face. Simon nodded waved for me and sat in the car, Victor looked at me and gave quick hug.

“I will be back soon. I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry, we will figure something out.” After he said that I felt much better, gave him a small kiss on the cheek and then he also sat in the car, I started going to the metro station. Ice center is a little bit far away from this place, Victor should come just in time when I finish my warm up. When I left the metro I took a short cut to reach the center. This street was narrow and at this time totally empty.

I could almost see the center lights when I heard a noise. I don’t know what got into me, but I just started running. Faster and faster, I turned my head and I saw that someone is really chasing me. Oh my God, no. I started running even faster and it was so hard, after drinking yesterday I wasn’t in really good shape, so I felt how it becomes hard to breathe. Shit, it seems that the ice center is not getting any closer! I could feel that the man behind me was closer right now. Once he almost touched my hand, I felt the tips of his fingers on my wrist. Suddenly I turned to the left, then after a few moments to the right, then I again to the left. I don't remember in which moment I lost my bag. Run. Run. Run. I really can’t. Shit, I am almost at my limit. I will fall. One time I almost fell, I touched the ground with my knees and tried to get up as fast as I could, I got the feeling that it took a million year. It's somehow so cold outside and the ground is dragging me down. Don't... I can't give up. I again turned to the left and then someone suddenly grabbed my hand and dragged into the dark corner. I gasped, but the person covered my mouth with a palm, so I didn’t let the sound. Just started breathing fast, with my eyes opened widely. I saw how the man who was chasing me passed that corner. The sound of his steps disappeared. I was frozen, the person who was holding me, let me go and I quickly turned around.

“Yurio??” I gasped from surprise and person rolled his eyes. It was really Yurio. Even in the dark, I could see his blond hair and those clear eyes, sometimes green sometimes blue, now they were dark. “What? How?” I was breathing so fast, I touched the wall with my back like it could protect me.

“Can you talk more quietly, pig? He might be somewhere around.” he angrily whispered and I nodded my head few times. What the hell is going on here? “Don’t look at me like that. I saw that you are running from someone so I came here and waited for you. But don’t get a wrong idea. I still hate you. But if someone would have caught you, then Victor would go insane again. I don’t want to save his ass anymore.” Yurio looked to the street if it’s clear. “Are you hurting him again?” he asked suddenly looking at me and I flinched.

“No… no.” I sighed. Oh my, I can’t believe that I was saved by Yurio. “But… shouldn’t you be in Switzerland now?” I asked remembering and sat on the ground, my legs couldn’t hold me anymore.

“I returned today, but it’s none of your business.” He said and still looking at me. “Do you know who he was?” he asked. I was still in such a big shock that I couldn’t speak. I was just saved by a man who had beaten my ass a month ago and also was in love with my lover. Just great. But Yurio was looking strange. He looked tired. So tired. Not like 20 years old person. Su much older.

“I don’t know… I don’t…” I closed my eyes. It’s so real. I saw that man already… what does he want from me? Who the hell is he? Suddenly I saw how glass is falling from my hands and I felt how I can't breathe, just now I remembered how I walked to the living room, laid on the couch and… passed out... but why?

“That person must know you… I mean what the hell. But you know, whatever. I have to go anyway.” He said and started walking, suddenly I jumped. I don’t want to be here alone. “Don’t follow me, pig, or I will kick your ass again and leave you here for that freak.” He said starting walking faster, but I kept up with him.

_I was walking home after a shift and saw you._

OMG. OMG. I suddenly grabbed Yurio’s hand so hard that he stopped and looked at me like he is ready to kill me.

“What the fuck you are doing?? Let the fuck me go!” he said but I was holding him so hard like he would be the one who can save my life. I started running with him towards the ice center, he was screaming something, but I didn’t hear. I was running even faster than before. We run into the building but I didn't stop. When we were already in the dressing room, I let him go. “You stupid… what…”

“I know who he is…” I said and sat on the ground. “I know…” my voice was trembling. Victor… Victor where are you? How could I forget such a thing??

“That’s very good for you. But if you ever touch me again… I… hey, pig…” Yurio was breathing fast holding on his knees, but he suddenly stopped talking probably when he saw that I am holding on my hair. Victor… Victor… I started searching for a phone in my pocket, when I felt that somebody touched my shoulder, I raised my head. It was Yurio, his body was leaned forward and he was looking straight at me. So close.

“How I should interpret that?” suddenly I heard Victor’s voice, he was standing next to the door. Frozen and looking so mad, I have never seen him like that. But he understood everything wrong. Yurio rolled his eyes and I jumped on my feet and rushed towards Victor, he wanted to step back, but I wrapped my arms around his waist and pressed my body against his as hard as I could. He should have felt that I am all trembling. Victor changed his mind. “What have you done to him..?” from his tone I understood that this time he won’t Yurio go.

“Nothing!” I said before Yurio has told Victor something. “He saved me. That man… the one I saw yesterday… he started to chance me, Yurio saved me.” I lifted my hand, but still, couldn’t let Victor go. He was looking at me and then looked at Yurio trying to understand the situation. “Victor, I know who he is…. It’s the doctor from the hospital who looked at my X-ray when…” I couldn’t say the end. That’s karma, right? I mean, I was beaten by Yurio and now the doctor who helped me is after me. Why? What does he want?

“We are going to the police,” Victor said and dragged me from the room.

We really did that. We went to the police office and I told them everything. In English of course, this time wasn’t the right one to check my Russian skills. Victor translated my words to the policeman. I told him how I met doctor for the first time and then how I found his number among the papers (Victor didn’t know that), then I told about that strange man that I was seeing outside few times. Also, I told them how I met Oleg yesterday and how I understood that he is lying. I finished my story with today, how that man started chasing after me. They listened, but the answer almost killed me. They said that I don’t have evidence to prove my words. WHAT? I don’t have evidence that it was Oleg Drozdov and no other man, the policeman repeated it twice.They also said that I was drunk so maybe I didn’t understand what he told me. Or maybe it was just my imagination that I met him? Obviously. without any evidence, my words don’t have any power. I just said to them that someone was chasing me and they are laughing right into my eyes??? What kind of institution is that? Is it because I am a foreigner? I couldn’t believe it. I looked at Victor but his face was frozen, also in shock.

We came back home in silence and I went to the bedroom not telling a word, sat on the bed, trying to find at least one reason why that crazy doctor was chasing after me. What does he need from me? A million dollar question. I didn’t cry, even once. My eyes were so dry. I wished I could cry at the situation like this. Makkachin came into the room and put his head on my lap. It’s so wrong…

“Yuuri… maybe…” Victor entered the room, but I suddenly jumped on my feet.

“DON’T. Don’t you fucking dare to say that it was just my imagination! Don’t you fucking dare to say that those from police office were right!” I shouted at him and lifted my finger. Just go away. Leave me alone, okay? But he didn’t leave. He was still standing there looking at me with those sad eyes. But his look changed in one second. Suddenly he reminded me of that Victor I met in London. He stepped forward and grabbed my chin so hard that it started to hurt. I let the sound from my mouth. It hurts… “Vic-tor...”

“Don’t play with my heart, boy. Or you will get hurt.” He said with his cold voice and my lips started trembling. Victor's eyes were making my heart itching. He was making me melt. He’s turning me into nothing. I grabbed his shirt and pressed my forehead to his chest. 

At that point, my lonely fight was over.

"I am sorry."

 


	19. Chapter 19. Yuuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Vi-ctor… but if someone sees or hears us?” I said but suddenly remembered that I was the one who wished for this kind of thing. Well, when I said abandoned beach… I was thinking something like REALLY empty. But we haven’t gone too far way.
> 
> “So what? Let them here your beautiful moans… let them hear how you scream my name.” he said that and pressed his body so strong against mine that every inch of my body started to burn right away. I took a deep breath when Victor touched my face with his palm. Oh my, it’s so… so… I wanted to say embarrassing, but I was looking at my lover’s eyes and could think just about the word “hot”. “Lick them.” He said touching my lips with his fingers tips. I slowly opened my mouth and took two of them in, wrapped my tongue around his fingers and sucked them. Victor was watching me with that pure gaze of his, like seeing something really beautiful. But my cheeks were burning, especially when Victor started moving fingers inside my mouth, like fucking it with them. I grabbed on his shirt so suddenly that half of the buttons flew away. “Yuuri… really… you are driving me crazy.” He said pulling out his fingers from my mouth and kissed me. Who? Me? You are the one to talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!
> 
> Today is a sad day for me...  
> This Chapter is... okay you will see yourselves  
> T_T  
> I don't really have much to say, just... hope that you will enjoy reading it.
> 
> Now let's rest of drama because the chapter 20 will be SPIN OFF about Phichit, I hope you will like it:)
> 
> Until then  
> With love, hugging everyone who loves this work,  
> Vitavili ^^
> 
> EDIT: NEW EPISODE JUST NJKDNCJKDNCDSKJCNKDJ I CAN'T THIS ANIME WILL KILL ME. DJCDKNCDKSNC

**2021, September 2**

This music was wonderful. It took control of my mind. Everything in my thoughts turned to one colorful composition. They were mixing between each other in my head, turning every memory into nothing. Cleaning my mind. Making me change. The sound of a piano, every of those notes that came from this soundtrack was touching the deepest parts of my heart, making it beat faster and at the same time I felt how every beat becomes more important in my lifespan. I was living, I was breathing. But something is still wrong. I closed my eyes and stretched my arms to the sides, started spinning fast, then moved to the side, started skating backwards and then jumped as high as I could. The music in my head started playing faster and I felt like flying, spinning in the air… almost… just a little bit more... I touched ice with my skate and took a deep breath then opened my eyes. Someone of others skaters were standing and looking at me giving applause. I smiled at them. Yeah, this quadruple Salchow was not bad. Today the ice rink was full of people, some of them were sitting on the bench, behind the rink, just watching how others are skating. I took off my headphones from the ears. I know that I don’t have enough time, but I need to change something about my free program. I tried to feel the music so hard, but it wasn’t enough. I looked around the rink, there were some professional skaters and newbies. Yurio was also here, standing in the corner of the rink, writing a message on his phone. Totally ignoring me. He didn’t say me a word after that day. I still haven’t said him thanks for saving me. Well, the thing is... that from that day Victor became super overprotected and I couldn’t go alone anywhere. That’s why talking alone with Yurio was kind of impossible thing. I didn’t have his number. Talking about Victor… he said something about an important business he has to do now. After making sure that I won’t go anywhere by myself he left me here. Will we have to live in this fear for rest of our lives? That’s insane. I hoped that Oleg will stop playing this shitty game. Maybe he understood that I know who he is? Since that creepy chasing, I haven’t seen him.

“Yuuuuuri!” Suddenly Victor skated into the rink holding something in his hand. All shining and happy. I was looking at my lover standing still, but other skaters turned around to see his graceful way of sliding. It’s like he was walking on the clouds. Hahaha, I am the only one who knows how dominant he can become. To them, Victor was just a shining sunny with hearts in his eyes.

“Heeey…” after a few seconds I also started moving and we met in the halfway, Victor suddenly grabbed me with his hands. Making me blush in front of all these people. Somehow I felt that he has some good news and I wasn’t wrong. Victor let me go and gave me two plane tickets.

“Weeee are going to Sochi!” he said so happy and turned around with his fully happy face, spreading love all around, people who were looking at Victor didn’t notice that they started smiling. I looked at the tickets. Sochi? What is that? Victor, of course, saw that it must be a mystery to me. “Oh my, Yuuri, you are living in Russia and don’t know about this city?? It’s the biggest resort in Russia, right next to the Black Sea! We will be living in a beautiful hotel with a perfect view of the sea, making love all day and night!” He shouted and I opened my eyes widely. Jeez! Why he has to scream about having sex so loud! I heard how people behind me are laughing. I took a deep breath and started sliding from the rink. My lover is crazy. I looked at Yurio, he was watching me and I thought that he will show me middle finger or roll his eyes, but suddenly he smiled and quickly let his eyes down. Whaaaat. Am I dreaming, right? “Yuuuuri? You are not happy??” Victor was sliding behind me from his voice I could feel that my lover is doing his puppy face. It’s not about this! You just told to the whole word that you will fuck me in the hotel all day and night!

I left the rink and put protectors on my skates, then left the room and started going through the corridors, searching for some corner with no people. Found one. Victor came after, I quickly wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed. Hard. Victor moved forward and I bumped into the wall with my back.

“Is there some abandoned beaches in Sochi?” I asked turning my head a little bit to the side, letting Victor gently bit my chin and kiss my ear.

“We will find one.” He promised and I smiled. I want to have sex at the beach. I really want that. I want to go swimming with Victor and kiss in the water. I want to hold him and forget everything else. “Yuuri, you want to go with me?” He asked and after I started nodding he hugged me so tight that I couldn’t breathe. “We will forget everything together there… No one can separate us.” I felt that he is smiling holding his lips close to my ear and I put my head on his shoulder. Yeah, I want to believe that. “By the way, there is also one ice center!” he said happily and it ruined my having-sex-all-day mood.

“Do you really had to say this now?” I asked rolling my eyes.

  
What I learned a few minutes later is that we are leaving today. We had to rush home and pack our things for 3 days. I didn’t think much what to take, I even used just my bag where I was holding my things for skating. About that… later I came to the same street where that freak was chasing me, but even after one hour nor I nor Victor couldn’t find my old bag. I wasn’t sad about my clothes, towels, and some other things… but I was holding there my skates and now they were gone. It’s sad because is really hard to find new ones, perfectly matching for you. Victor did a surprise for me, he had my old skates, the one I used in the past before I broke my leg. I mean not the one which broke my leg, really old ones. My favorites. He still had them… I think this present was the best he could ever give to me. I also took them with me to Sochi. Sadly we had to leave Makkachin to our neighbors.

So at the evening we were already in the airport and just then I started feeling excited. With the plane, it takes just two and a half hour to go there, but for example, with the train, it would be almost one day. Thank you, God, that Victor didn’t think that 23 hours of riding with the train would be romantic. When we were already sitting in our seats I took a deep breath. I was happy that we are leaving Moscow. I loved this city, but I needed a rest from this. Resort city with beach sounded like a perfect solution. Victor put his head on my shoulder and I kissed his forehead. Three wonderful days, that was the only thing I could think about. At first, we were talking about something, but after some time, I felt how Victor’s breathing becomes relaxed, he fell asleep. Somehow he was really good at sleeping in the planes.

I couldn’t sleep I was looking through the window all the time, it was dark outside, but I started imagining that I can feel sea already, I could already see how we are walking together on the beach. Now, I finally feel myself again. Maybe I'll be able to find what I miss in my dance. This will change everything.

We landed and the weather was perfect. So calm and warm, I smiled to the new city right in front of my eyes. The best! The taxi drove us to the luxurious hotel with a wonderful view, like 200 meters (656 feets) from the beach. Our room was high enough to see only the perfect sea and the full moon in the sky. It was like from perfect novel or movie. Victor asked if I am tired, but my eyes were shining. At last, after such a long time. We went outside to take a walk. Though it was already late evening, there was a lot of people on the beach, just sitting in silence or talking, walking around. We did the same, started going away from the city lights. I was touching the sand with my naked feet and the feeling was wonderful, even if the sand was a little bit cool. We walked so far that I couldn't see any people around, then I took Victor‘s hand and moved closer to him.

“Thank you,” I said putting in these words so much more than it sounded. It’s not just thank you for bringing me here. It was a “thank you” for everything he has done for me. For taking me back. I was the luckiest here. Victor smiled squeezing my hand and after a few moments spoke bringing me back to reality.

“Do you think that saying this is enough?” he asked and started pulling me to some kind of forest near the beach. What? Ooooh, noo… once I stepped on the grass Victor pressed me against one of the trees. From here I could see the beach, but I don’t think that someone could see us from there it was dark enough. But still…

“Vi-ctor… but if someone sees or hears us?” I said but suddenly remembered that I was the one who wished for this kind of thing. Well, when I said abandoned beach… I was thinking something like REALLY empty. But we haven’t gone too far way.

“So what? Let them here your beautiful moans… let them hear how you scream my name.” he said that and pressed his body so strong against mine that every inch of my body started to burn right away. I took a deep breath when Victor touched my face with his palm. Oh my, it’s so… so… I wanted to say embarrassing, but I was looking at my lover’s eyes and could think just about the word “hot”. “Lick them.” He said touching my lips with his fingers tips. I slowly opened my mouth and took two of them in, wrapped my tongue around his fingers and sucked them. Victor was watching me with that pure gaze of his, like seeing something really beautiful. But my cheeks were burning, especially when Victor started moving fingers inside my mouth, like fucking it with them. I grabbed on his shirt so suddenly that half of the buttons flew away. “Yuuri… really… you are driving me crazy.” He said pulling out his fingers from my mouth and kissed me. Who? Me? You are the one to talk.

Victor’s hands were sliding down my back, I could feel how his fingers are leaving wet spots of saliva on my shirt. His hand slid under my pants and touched naked skin. Somehow I even moved a little bit, to help him, Victor started putting his slippery fingers inside my hole and chills run down my spine. I moaned in his mouth at the same time biting his tongue, Victor started moving his fingers and sighed. That sound he let out, was so deep that just from it, I could feel how my cock became harder. I touched his naked skin, almost getting dizzy from that feeling. His body was so strong. We will make love here, right? A lot of love.

But Victor had another plan, he suddenly moved his lips from mine and turned me around, I pressed my cheek to the tree almost painfully. He covered my mouth with his palm and that was good because the sound I let out was so loud that even his palm couldn’t stop it all. Victor kissed my neck from behind and pulled my pants and underwear down. He was fast without any patience, I knew it will hurt this time because his cock was so big and it wasn’t enough for me. At last, it was wet enough.

“Yuuri…” he moaned my name in my ear and took my hard cock in his hand at the same time fully entering me with just one move. Shit. I screamed into Victor’s hand and hugged the tree. Shit. Shit. Shit. I came right away, he even didn’t have to move his hand too much. But Victor was fucking me, so hard. Showing all his power in me. I know… I know that you are controlling me… always. Just like that. Making me feel so weak. You always show that you need me so much, but I know… I know this already… you don’t have to be afraid… I am yours.

He came inside me and I felt how I am falling apart. I moaned feeling that Victor’s palm is all wet from my saliva and cries. Oh, I didn’t even feel how I started crying. It just came out. But it wasn’t bad. It’s okay… always alright. Victor put his head on my shoulder breathing fast and I was doing the same. Just after a few minutes, he turned me around, my hands were hurting so much from scratches of that tree.

“Are you happy?” he asked pressing his forehead to mine still breathing fast and irregularly. My ass was itching, my hands were hurting, my eyes and my face were wet, my body was melting and my heart wanted to jump from my chest. I nodded. I have never felt better.

  
We were already in the hotel, lying in our huge bed, after really good dinner and even better sex rounds. Tomorrow we should just lay on the beach all the day. Doing nothing, just being like that. That was my wish and Victor’s wish was to do some training in the afternoon. Typical coach. Ice skating doesn’t have holidays. True that… the first competition for me is on October 2. One month… oh. I wonder if someone of my family will come. I was talking with my mother not long ago, but she was sure that I will make through the final in Japan. But Minako-sensei said that she may come. Actually, I can’t believe that my family forgave me right away for leaving. They even haven’t said anything that I didn’t come to visit them. Hm… That’s the feeling of having the real family.

“Victor… do you trust me?” I asked a stupid question, but it’s important. He was also my family, actually the biggest part of it. So…

“What?” he turned his head and looked at me, I rolled closer to Victor and put my head on his chest, looking at the ceiling. It was blurry without glasses. “Of course… just don’t tell me you want to try changing roles? No way…” I almost giggled trying to imagine Victor on the bottom. Oh God…

“Are you thinking just with that part of your body?” I smiled holding my laughed, he sighed from relief. No, really… bottom Victor… I never thought about that. “I mean…” I tried to get serious. “Why you are hiding from me... your family? Victor, what is it that you don’t want to tell me?” I turned on a side and looked at him, still keeping my head on his chest. Soon after my question Victor’s heart started beating faster. Oh no. Did I go too far? He wasn’t talking. And I gave up. It doesn’t matter, he is not ready, I understand. At least I tried to understand. I moved my head from his chest and put on the pillow, lying straight. I closed my eyes and found his hand to make him sure that I am not mad. He pressed my fingers and I smiled, should I say something to comfort him?

“My… my parents died when I was thirteen.” He started and I suddenly opened my eyes. No. “They… died in the car accident on the way to my first Words Junior Competition final. I was waiting, but they never came. I won gold. And they told me the news after that.” His voice was without any emotions, so empty. I couldn’t understand what he is feeling. “Somehow… I couldn’t cry. Until now… I didn’t cry. For so long… I was skating because I thought that one day they will come. But… then I started dancing for them, finally for others who were watching me. I just wanted everyone around me to see what I was feeling. I wanted to surprise them, do something that nobody was expecting.” As he was talking I came so close to him and wrapped my arms around his waist. I have never thought that… it’s like that. “I have never told anyone this because… I think I am still waiting for them sometimes. I was afraid that if I admit what happened then something will change.” Victor’s voice cracked. No, I don‘t need to hear this anymore. I don‘t want to ruin something inside him. He doesn‘t have to force himself. I didn’t know… I just… I lifted my head and looked at Victor, he was also looking at me. “Don’t look at me like that, Yuuri… it’s okay. My father’s sister, my aunt, took me in, so until 18 I was living with Ana and Alexey in Sant Peterburg, then I started living by myself. That family was perfect, but somehow I wasn’t feeling like a part of it. Anyway, I wasn't some kind of emo. I was in love with life, in love in skating, I believed in everything that I was doing. I don’t regret anything… My parents didn’t choose to leave me. It just happened. But…” When Victor said I already knew what he will say next, what will break my heart. Before he spoke I pressed my forehead to his cheek. “…you chose to do that. I think… that hurt me the most.” I felt that he said something that was hurting him for so long. My heart… His heart. I never… wanted that. The only difference was… that I came back.

“Are you happy?” I asked the same question. The most important of all I have ever asked him.

“The happiest in the whole world.” he answered with a gentle voice and kissed me.

Even after another few rounds of sex, I couldn’t sleep. I was still thinking about Victor’s words. Is it really okay that I asked? Will it change something? I hoped that not. I have never felt so close to Victor like now. I am not talking about physical distance, it’s so much more. I am the only one who knows this… Victor was already sleeping for some time and I was just lying, hugging him. I won’t let him ever go. Mine. He is just mine. That’s the only truth. I won’t make him wait ever again.

Somehow, in the end, I was able to fall asleep but still woke up first. Victor was lying on right side, showing his back to me. I touched his shoulder, but he didn’t move. Still sleeping deep, like always. That’s fine. Suddenly I thought that I want to do a surprise for him. Can I bring something to bed for breakfast? I mean, word romantic and me didn’t match at all. But I can try, right? I silently jumped from the bed. Oh… fuck… we did it too many times… my ass… hurts. I was walking more slowly, but after all, it wasn’t that bad. I dressed up and before leaving I took Victor’s phone, I had one idea and this is the only chance for me to do it. I silently walked outside and started going around the building. It seems that it is still early morning. There was just a few people outside. I unlocked Victor’s phone and saw our picture from old times. I think we took it on his birthday. We still don’t have any photos after our reunion. We need to do them here. As much as we can. I searched for the number and pressed the phone to my ear. I stopped under some trees right behind the hotel and waited.

“Victor… what the hell… You know what time is it? Please don’t say that pig has run from you again…” I heard Yurio’s sleepy voice talking in Russian. Hahaha, very funny. Still, he was a little bit surprised that Victor called to him.

“It’s me... Yuuri.” I sighed, starting to talk in English and Yurio didn’t say anything for few seconds.

“Did something happened to Victor???” he suddenly woke up and almost screamed at me.

“No!” I screamed back I think a little bit too loud. Jeez, don’t scare me, Russian Princess…

“Then go and fuck yours-“

“Wait! Don’t hang up the phone. I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for saving me, Yurio. I am sorry that I haven’t said it before. And also I forgive you for earlier. I….”

“Do I look like I care if you forgive me or not?” I almost could see how he is rolling his eyes. “Look, pork bowl, I am not regretting that. I will beat you one million times more if you do anything to Victor again, is that clear?”

“Yes…” I said almost feeling like I am talking with some kind of a boss. But I was talking with little Russian princess. “But thank you anyway…”

“Whaaaaatever. Bye.” He said, but waited for me to hang up the phone first.

“Why are you not participating in this year’s Grand Prix?” I asked almost sure that he won’t answer. Well, Victor didn’t want to tell me, so I had to try.

“Because first competition for me would be on September 24 and at this day my grandfather will have an operation. I just set my priorities. And you should do the same.” After that, he hung up the phone. I was still in shock not because of the fact what Yurio said about his grandfather, more about the fact that he said this to ME. Will he be alone? Eh… I put the phone in the pocket and sighed.

  
“I don’t think you will participate in it either.” Suddenly I heard a quiet voice behind me and wanted to turn my head, but someone pressed some kind of rag to my noise. I let the gasp out and started breathing so fast, tried to move, but someone‘s strong hand didn‘t let me do that. This smell is so sweet... so strong... disgustingly strong... Everything around started to spin so fast... I took a deep breath... and

I

Was

Gone.

“Vict-...”


	20. SPIN OFF. Phichit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Naaaah….” I sat on the ice and took my phone into my hand, opened Instagram. Oh here is a new picture in Victor’s profile! Since Yuuri came back, he started uploading pictures again, Thanks, God, I was able to see everything without stalking gossip news. I just loved how Fifty Grey Shades Of Victor he is now. I mean does Yuuri know about his sleeping photos which Victor is uploading? “Celestino! Look look! Victor is in Sochi with Yuuri!” I quickly got up and showed the picture to my coach he looked and smiled. Oh, my! It was a picture of Yuuri looking at the sea! So cute! “I need to upload this on Victuuri site!” I suddenly got excited and did a screenshot of Victor’s upload. Yes! Finally! Yes yes yes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ THESE NOTES BEFORE READING!!
> 
> Hello <3
> 
> How are you today?  
> I am happy to upload this chapter and I hope you will like it! I loved to try writing from Phichit side, that was really interesting <3 Also imagining him doing those things with Seung <3 Jeez <3 And I just love his level of crazy! I hope that he never changes.  
> Anyway, I wanted you to see in this chapter difference between Victuuri and PhichitxSeung (They need a name) relationship :3 
> 
> AND AND AND. In the end of this chapter is a HUGE spoiler for chapter 21. So, I just love torturing you, is that alright? And I know that you all love cliffhangers :3 BUT if you don't want I suggest you not to read because next chapter comes just on Saturday ^^ :o ;;

I laid my head on the ice, putting my hands on the side and let the deep sigh out. It’s been so long since I was so happy about my work. This time I was so sure not only about myself but also about my performance. When JJ got married and decided to start family life without skating, I knew that this is my chance to shine. Not only because I was giving my whole heart to skating, but also because this was not just about winning. I was doing it because it made me happy. Seeing smiles on people faces after my dance was everything I needed. In 2019 I was third and on 2020 second, this year Yurio won’t participate so the gates to gold are opened for me! Right… Yuuri is back! I smiled. That might be interesting, his performance was stunning and I was quite excited to see what he has done in these few months practicing with Victor again. He didn’t have much time to create something incredible, but I was sure that even without it, he will surprise me. But… he doesn’t have something that I have… Yuuri can’t find something special in his free program, without this he won’t win. Even with perfect jumps. And I… I… have…

“Phichit! Are you sleeping on ice or what?” I heard quiet Celestino’s voice, that’s why I had to take off my headphones.

“I was just doing a selfie!” I shouted back and jumped on my feet, slid to Celestino who was standing right behind the rink. He was yawning, I was just sure that he had good wine party yesterday. “What do you think about these combinations? Did you take a video, like I asked? I want to send it to Yuuri!” I looked at his hands but didn’t see a phone.

“Yeah, it was good, but they are not from your free program. Oh… sorry, I totally forgot.” I opened my eyes widely. I will cry. Really. And I tried so hard to do those combinations! I thought that they might inspire Yuuri to search something for his free program, but Celestino just killed me.

“Naaaah….” I sat on the ice and took my phone into my hand, opened Instagram. Oh here is a new picture in Victor’s profile! Since Yuuri came back, he started uploading pictures again, Thanks, God, I was able to see everything without stalking gossip news. I just loved how Fifty Grey Shades Of Victor he is now. I mean does Yuuri know about his sleeping photos which Victor is uploading? “Celestino! Look look! Victor is in Sochi with Yuuri!” I quickly got up and showed the picture to my coach he looked and smiled. Oh, my! It was a picture of Yuuri looking at the sea! So cute! “I need to upload this on Victuuri site!” I suddenly got excited and did a screenshot of Victor’s upload. Yes! Finally! Yes yes yes.

“What site..?” Celestino asked looking a bit confused and I froze. Oh. I shouldn’t say this out loud.

“No nothing… hahaha. I will do my dance again! Hold my phone.” I gave Celestino the phone and slid back to the middle of rink still thinking about Victor and Yuuri in Sochi. It’s like a honeymoon! If they decide to get married and Yuuri won’t tell me that, I will block him on Facebook and on Twitter and everywhere else. It seems that everyone is having fun. JJ is on holidays with his kid, Guang visiting some friends in Europe, Chris is still in a coma after yesterday’s drinking even poor Yurio uploaded photo with his grandpa playing chess, Leo, Otabek, Mila, Sara, Michele, Hikaru, Kenjirou… everyone except…

I came back home not even feeling my legs, but it felt good. It just means that I am giving everything I have for this training. I came home to take a break and after that, I will go again to the training. A few days ago we came with Celestino to Bangkok, my hometown and we will stay here until the time comes to leave for the first competition in Rome. It was good to come back home. Really, seeing my parents, brother, and sister… but…

“Phichit are you hungry?” My mom asked once I came home, I heard her voice from the kitchen.

“No, thanks! I will go to take rest in my room!” Actually, I needed to upload Victor’s photo and also read that new fanfic, but I couldn’t say this to my mom. Soooo… I waved for my little brother who just woke up and went to my old bedroom. It reminds me of old days when I just started skating when I didn’t have… “Okey! Let’s see maybe Victuuri has uploaded some more photos!” I laid on my bed and started scrolling the photos on the internet, but I got disappointed. Nothing. Not even one photo how they are lying on the beach together! Oh, it’s 1 p.m. here, so it means that there is just 9 a.m. that sucks. I will have to wait for few more hours I guess.

I opened message program and looked at the last messages… there was one from Yuuri, saying that he is leaving Moscow for a few days with Victor. This message was sent yesterday but since then I haven’t checked this app, so that’s why I read it just now. Then I got a message from Guang with some photos from Paris, I haven’t read others messages because there wasn’t any from him… I put my phone away and closed my eyes. Maybe really fanfic would help…

I was a happy person, I mean why you shouldn’t love life when it loves you back? I had a perfect family, perfect coach, perfect friends… but it seems you can’t order to your heart what to feel. Even if you are smiling outside. Sometimes I just wanted to be like always, sometimes I was able to do that, but not now, not anymore. I haven’t seen him for more than a month. First days we were chatting a lot, I was sending him some pictures of me traveling, asked him maybe he wants to come together. I know… that he is not participating in Grand Prix anymore, but who cares? Who cares? I just wanted him to be with me. I also wanted him to send me his photos, I wanted to open my eyes in the morning and find his new messages… but. There is always that but, right? I think he just wasn’t that type of person. He liked to sit at home with his dog, participate in some competitions and just be alone. Once he told that he was in love with me. I was telling him this always that he would know. I was the one who always writes first, but one time I didn’t… and since then he hasn't written to me even once. So it’s… almost two weeks right now. You can't order your heart what to love, right? Sometimes I wish I could.

I covered my eyes with palms and took a deep breath. Phichit. Stop. You are strong. You are not like that. Life loves you. You can‘t be sad that someone doesn‘t love you back. I shook my head when I started feeling tears in my eyes. When we were making dinner with Yuuri and he asked if we are still together I nodded, but to be honest I don't know the answer now.

“Phichit! Someone came to you!” that was my sister, she knocked on my door and I got up, cleaning my eyes with palms. Okey, no sadness. It must be Celestino, I asked him to come later, to try my mom’s food. But is it later? How long I am lying on this bed? Felt like a few minutes. I took my phone and walked from the room. Damn it. I forgot to upload the photo! I will ask Celestino to wait with my parents and then…

“Seung??” I looked at the person in the hallway and something squeezed my heart so hard, that it started to hurt like hell. What. He was standing here, looking right into me, holding his hands in jeans pockets. Oh… my…

“Can we talk?” he asked somehow a bit embarrassed, maybe because my whole family was staring at him, like seeing some kind of world’s Miracle. I nodded still feeling how my heart is not beating like it should be. We went outside, it was warm, almost hot and the sky was clear. I was sure that my family is stalking us through the windows, so I started going towards another building, where I saw a shadow. He followed me without saying anything.

“So… what is it?” asked and tried to look calm. Did he come to Thailand from Korea? When? Why? How did he know where I was? My hands started to tremble so I hid them behind my back. I wanted to hug him so much…. I just can’t.

“Why you stopped writing to me? You want to break up?” he asked so straight that I almost gasped. Do I want to break up? I? I even opened my mouth forgetting about the fact that I wanted to stay looking totally relaxed.

“What??? No! I just… wanted you to write me at least one time!” I couldn’t hold it, so I also said directly what I was feeling. Somehow it sounded so childish. Oh my, really.

“You are a child or what?” it was his time to be surprised. He was right, but now I can’t give up. I will hold on my truth. Really. He saw that so after I didn’t say anything Seung sighed. “It’s just a little bit hard… for me to write first … Everything sounds dumb… ehm… I like when you write...” He looked away and started blushing. That was the line break for me, I suddenly jumped wrapping my arms around his neck and pressing my body so hard, that it started hurting. He is so cute! So!

“So you love me?” I asked pressing my head to his shoulder, putting my fingers in his hair. So soft.

“Of course. Just don’t make me repeat it too much… because it’s just…. I don’t know… it’s better to show you.” His voice was so lost and I could help myself just smile. I really hate situations like this. We should just talk about everything and make it clear.

“But tell me. Tell me. Just this once.” I said, stepping back and taking his face into my palms. Seung sighed, like thinking: oh my, this child is the pain in my ass… (Actually, he was the pain in my ass, just saying).

“Oh… Jeez. Fine. I love you.” He said and suddenly gave me so much more – smile. He said it without any doubt in his voice and that let my heart go, it started beating fast again. This time just for him. Yeah, love is a good thing, right? I leaned forward and kissed him.

I think for everyone is clear that I wrote to Celestino, that I won’t come to training again and that today’s dinner we will keep for another day. He wasn’t surprised at all. I think he knew. I mean, I was sure that he knows, Celestino was the one who told Seung about me in the first place. We went together to the hotel where my cutie little Korean boy was staying, the room was small, just with one bed and bathroom, but I don’t think I could find another so perfect place than this right now.

“You want to have sex?” he asked and I did a palm face. Can he be just a little bit more romantic? I sat on the bed and crossed my legs, tapping on the spot right next to me, that way asking him to sit. When he did that I put my head on his shoulder.

“I just want to be with you. Is that okay?” I asked and he smiled. Yeah, I just need him right next to me. Always. I didn’t want to be selfish, but I wanted to ask him to start living together… I mean if that's even possible. I still couldn’t believe that he came here just for me, all this way. And just because of this kind of thing… That means he really loves me, right?

So at the end, we were sitting on the bed. Seung’s was sitting leaned his back against the pillow and I was sitting between his legs leaning on his chest. I could feel my boy’s heartbeat and this was the best thing of the day. Seung was reading some kind of book and I was scrolling Victuuri’s site searching for that good one fanfic I found yesterday. I need to tell Yuuri about it. If only I could remember the title…

“You must be kidding me.” Suddenly Seung spoke and I felt how he takes the phone from my hands. Aaaah! Nooo! I think I almost found it… he also dropped his book and then turned my face to him. “We haven’t seen each other for more than one month and you are reading this fanfiction…” Oh, so that’s what it’s about. He wanted to have sex, just didn’t know how to say it. Poor… kitty.

“It’s not some kind fanfiction… it’s –“

“Shut up, really.” he kissed me putting his tongue right away inside my mouth and I happily turned around, straddling his legs and wrapping my arms around Seung’s neck. He is so cute, I just can’t. After unbuttoning all his shirt’s buttons I touched his abs, strongly, almost leaving marks with my nails. He sighed and I silently moaned giving him an answer. I moved my lips away and put them next to his ear. Sex was the only way to see Seung’s emotions and he showed them just to me. He quickly took off my pants and underwear, I lifted my hips in the way to help him. As soon as he licked his fingers and started putting them into me, I lifted my body a little bit more.

“Yeeeessss….ahhhhh…” I moaned from amazing feeling, I missed his fingers inside me so much. My little boy, just my cutie. My head now was a little bit higher than his, so I lowered it, grabbed Seung’s hair hard and kissed him again, he started moving fingers inside me faster at the same time taking my cock in his hand, starting to moving it. I gasped from the pleasure quickly sliding with my hands on the button of his jeans, trying to find a fast way to take this unnecessary thing off him. Come to me. Come to me. Show me how you need this. Once I pulled his jeans down, Seung pulled out his fingers from me and I took his cock in my hand, put the top of it right to my hole and moved my lips a little bit away from his.

“Set me free, love,” I said and Seung suddenly groaned grabbing my hips into his both arms and pulled me down, making me take his whole cock inside me. I fully sat on him and shouted, putting my both hands on his shoulders, feeling how tears start running down my face. Oh, my… my ass will hurt tomorrow. “That’s right… like that…” I said looking in his eyes and started moving my hips.

“I want you so much…” his silent voice touched my heart and I smiled from the bottom of my heart, letting him take control of my moves with his hands. He made me start riding him faster. I wasn’t controlling my sounds and moans anymore, just pressed my forehead to his neck letting him do with my body all he wants.

“I know…” I cried to his neck and came letting that perfect sound from my mouth – his name. He didn’t stop, Seung was moving my hips faster and faster and I hugged him stronger. Jeez, he is all trembling… my poor boy… “It’s okay… come… come…” I almost bagged for him and my lover listened, he stopped my hips, when his cock was deep inside me and came. Giving me another relief. He also almost cried my name and then calmed down. I was just sitting on him and feeling my boy’s hard heartbeat. That’s so perfect… I closed my eyes and kissed Seung’s hair. He smells so good.

“You are so cute…” I said when we were lying in bed, hugging each other, just feeling good. Nothing more.

“You are the only one who would ca- “ he started saying when suddenly my phone started ringing. I almost jumped. Someone is searching for me! _We were born to make history…_. Was singing the ringtone, Seung rolled his eyes and reached my phone on the ground. “Who is _Victuuri Uke_?” he asked looking at the screen. Obviously surprised, but my heart suddenly jumped.

“Oh my, it’s Yuuri! He must be calling to tell me news of his honeymoon in Sochi!” I said so excitedly, Seung rolled his eyes again (he is rolling to much) and gave me the phone, covered himself with a blanket until the eyes. I sat and picked up. “Yuuri!!! Oh my! Wait wait, I want to hear everything, but before that, let me tell you something.” I started before he even spoke. I must tell him because otherwise, he won’t hear me out. “I found this majestic super awesome new fanfic about Victuuri! It’s happening in the alternative universe. Guess where? _Pokemon_ word! It’s crazy I am saying! You are Victor’s Pokemon and he shows there his daddy power taking total control of you… like even… sorry… what? I didn’t hear what you said…” I was so excited, talking fast and loud, that I missed some words that Yuuri wanted to say. “Victor…?” I froze and at the same moment felt how Seung points his eyes on me. “Oh… Jeez… No… No no no no no, wait wait. I am coming. DON’T DO ANYTHING! VICTOR! Fuck!” I used curse word when he hung up the phone.

“Phichit, what is it?” Seung also sat and looked at me, I covered my lips for a second trying to understand what Victor said. That’s so bad.

“I am going to Russia. Yuuri is missing I will help Victor.” I jumped from the bed and started searching for my clothes which before we took off. Seung did the same. “You don’t have to come with me… I mean…”

“Don’t be ridiculous… he ran away again?” he asked putting on his jeans and I shook my head, this time almost holding tears from sadness (and from pain in the ass). It’s something different, Victor hasn't told me, but his voice was scared like hell. He didn’t run… someone did something to Yuuri. Someone hurt Yuuri really bad.

  
_**SPOILER TO CHAPTER 21.** _

> …. Even after learning why he kidnapped me, I didn’t feel better. I can’t help him. Nobody can. Sometimes this happens in life. Some people are better than others. That‘s it. And some people just can’t lose, that was Oleg’s case. But I am the one who will have to take responsibility because of his mistakes. I was really tired, my arms bonded behind my back started hurting so much, and my wrists were burning. I leaned my head against the wall breathing slow and deep. I already have vomited so many times, that all my body was feeling like jelly. I don’t know what kind of medicine he was using on me, but it hurt everywhere.
> 
> “Just… let me go… please… I swear I won’t tell anyone…” I silently begged again looking at Oleg’s back. He was searching for something in one big box on the floor.
> 
> “By the way, is that true that you are a homo?” he wasn’t listening to me. He already told me that he’ll kill me, so begging won’t help. Still… I didn’t answer his question. Why it matters now? Unless… unless he will do something to Victor… fuck. I was sure that he saw him in the taxi… and on the beach with me. No no…
> 
> “Please… you have me, Victor hasn't done anything… he doesn’t know anything.” I said this time with stronger voice, trying to put all my force in it. I was feeling weak and it was hard to talk. My tongue felt like twisted. But not Victor… not him.
> 
> “Is that really so good to be fucked?” He asked and I started trembling. He is not listening to me at all… he doesn’t understand. “I want to see how you look when you are fucked… really curious.” He said turning around and I saw in his hand some kind of strange and huge dildo with sharp spikes on it. My eyes opened so widely that tears started coming out.
> 
> I leaned forward and started vomiting again. Since I didn’t have anything in my stomach long ago it was just gastric juice from which my whole mouth was burning.
> 
> Oleg started going towards me.


	21. Chapter 21. Yuuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second time I opened my eyes the view was different, I already could see profiles of some things around me, but the pain was almost as strong as before. I also started smelling things… the smell... it was horrible. So horrible, that I thought that I will start vomiting again. And I was sitting in that thing, it had soaked through the clothing to my body. So stinking, making my skin sticky. I blinked few times and then started seeing someone right in front of me. Someone sitting on the chair, watching me… I couldn’t see him clear. But I was sitting on the floor, about that I was sure right now. My back was against the cold wall, hands tied behind the back, if not the closet next to my right shoulder I would have fallen on the ground. I blinked again and heard a sigh. Someone grabbed my hair, but I couldn’t feel this pain... It was nothing compared to the pain in my whole body

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, my beloved pork bowls <3
> 
> A promise is a promise. Actually, it came out a little bit sooner, but... in my place, it's already 1:30 a.m. Soooo already Saturday! I had to cancel today's plans, so that's why you will get this chapter a bit sooner than I planned in the first place ^^
> 
> I admit, it was damn super hard to write it. Because when I am writing I am seeing everything in my mind and because I am so close to my main characters I can almost feel their pain.  
> NEVER AGAIN. NEVER. OKAY. I was sobbing and crying and that dream just tore my heart apart. So never again. Just not with this story. 
> 
> Just in case who gets in panic after reading this: Yuuri didn't die. I am not that crazy >,>  
> Next chapter will be from Victor's side.
> 
> Oh, and who is in creating anti-doctor team? ^-^
> 
> Kisses, Love and everything else to you,  
> Enjoy but don't cry too much,
> 
> Vitavili <3
> 
> P.s. OMFG 12k hits!!!! Guys... it's crazy... THANK YOU <3 I am crying again.

When I first opened my eyes everything was inconceivably blurry. Feeling was like someone had mixed everything in the world and now it was total chaos. Moreover, for the moment I woke up the pain started to spread in all parts of my body. First, in the head – the burning feeling inside from the forehead until the back of the head was so strong, I couldn’t understand what it reminds me because I have never felt this before. Like a fire inside me, like I was burning alive. The pain from my head started spreading to my hands and legs. This time I knew what that means, the pain was the same when I broke my leg, but this time it felt like all my bones were broken, until the last one. I tried to move but I couldn’t, not even let the sound out. I couldn’t control my body anymore. I closed my eyes again, tried to beg for mercy, but I couldn’t remember any words, not even my own name. What is that… why is this pain so strong? Where it’s coming from? Suddenly my stomach started hurting so much that I thought that someone is ripping it apart, something started coming from my mouth, something hot and disgustingly sour. I started to choke and somehow it was alright. Maybe it will end soon.

“Well… well… let it out. Like that..” sweet voice next to me said, at first I couldn't understand the meaning, just felt how someone presses my body, so it leaned forward and I spit out everything I had in my mouth on the floor. I took a deep breath. It was instinct, I couldn’t control it. If I could, I would have died. I didn’t want to live. Not now, not in this pain. Few seconds after I felt that killing feeling inside me once more and started vomiting again. I think it repeated about three or four times then everything turned into dark again.

  
The second time I opened my eyes the view was different, I already could see profiles of some things around me, but the pain was almost as strong as before. I also started smelling things… the smell... it was horrible. So horrible, that I thought that I will start vomiting again. And I was sitting in that thing, it had soaked through the clothing to my body. So stinking, making my skin sticky. I blinked few times and then started seeing someone right in front of me. Someone sitting on the chair, watching me… I couldn’t see him clear. But I was sitting on the floor, about that I was sure right now. My back was against the cold wall, hands tied behind the back, if not the closet next to my right shoulder I would have fallen on the ground. I blinked again and heard a sigh. Someone grabbed my hair, but I couldn’t feel this pain... It was nothing compared to the pain in my whole body.

“Wake up, Yuuri. Waaake up…” the same sweet voice said, I could feel the smile in it, I started hiccoughing and he let my head go I guess because he didn’t want to be covered in my puke. It’s so gross… I felt so gross, my whole body was trembling and I couldn’t stop this. I couldn’t stop those things from my mouth, even when I started crying, even when I thought that I don’t have anything left… I just… can’t… it’s getting dark again. Dark…

  
“Rise and shine!” Someone smacked me in the face and I flinched opening my eyes wide. This time view was so clear and bright that I almost got scared, I even had to squint because my eyes were so sensitive. Jeez, what’s going on? I was feeling dizzy and my head hurt so bad… and legs, and arms and my whole body. What happened to me? I was… next to hotel talking with Yurio and then… someone... I let the gasp out and finally saw everything around me.

I was in a bright room. The walls were white… looked like some kind of medical room. I even could see a piece of surgical bed in the middle of the room. I couldn't see all of it because someone was still standing in front of me. When I looked at him, the man was smiling. I knew who he was. I knew from the moment when he covered my mouth with that rag in Sochi.

“Nande?” Those were my first words, said with pathetic voice. I couldn’t recognize that I was the one who was talking. My voice was so strange. When he was still looking at me without saying any word I understood that I said it in Japanese. Shit. “Why?” I asked this time in English and sighed. Oh, I am so tired…. This time he got what I asked, but still kept that smile on his face. When I first saw him in the hospital I thought that this man must have a wife and maybe even a child. He was young, I could say about the same age as Simon, he had dark brown hair and green eyes, but bright green so it almost looked like gray. How can such a beautiful person have so much hatred in his heart? I mean he was a doctor… he was working with people. But my question was not about that, I wanted to know... Why me? Why now? I could ask so much more, but I didn’t have enough strength to talk.

“You ask why…” his face changed in one second, his lips corners came down and he lifted his chin a little bit, looking at me as I was some kind of trash who has ruined his life. He stretched his back because before he was leaned a little bit forward to me, turned around and started going towards the desk on the other side of the room.

Now I had a clear view where I was. It looked something like a lab or perfect doctor’s surgery room, with all those technologies and tools which names I didn’t know. I was sitting next to a big closet where doctors usually keep their clothes… I was sitting on the floor… in the middle of my vomits. What is this feeling? Despite the pain, I also was feeling like my whole body has become so numb. I was without a shirt, but with the same shorts which I put on this morning. This morning? What time is now? What… VICTOR! He will wake up alone! He will think that I left him again… No… he will search for me? After all that happened he can’t possibly think that I could leave him, right? I had his phone… really… I remember putting it in my pocket. Oleg was searching something on the desk so I tried to look down and feel if I still have it.

“Are you searching for this?” he asked and I saw him holding Victor‘s phone, his back was still turned to me, but he raised his hand with a phone in it. Shit. He must turned it off. “Don’t worry, Yuuri, nobody can find you. Even Victor, that’s his name, correct?” he asked but I didn’t answer. I will never betray Victor, the doctor will never get from me anything about Victor. I guess Oleg found what he wanted, he turned around with some photo in his hand and then again walked to me, sat on the chair in front of me and showed the picture. “You know who he is?” When I saw a photo I almost gasped, made just in time to shut my mouth, but Oleg understood everything from my wild eyes. “So you know him... what is his name?” I shook my head showing that I don’t know anything. Oleg smiled and sighed. “Okay if you want to play this way.” He was wearing white doctor’s gown and a few seconds later from the pocket he pulled out a syringe full of some sort of clear liquid. “I give you one more chance… you will say who is this man or I will try this thing again on you. Last time you gave me pretty good view.” He looked around me and I stopped breathing for a moment. Last time? So once he already did it to me? That’s the explanation of that horrible pain and vomits and my condition. No… I don’t want that…

“Please… let me go… you don’t want that. You don’t have to do that…” I started murmuring, not even sure if he can hear me or not. I was watching at that thing in his hand and every second I could feel how I start feeling worse and worse again. I don’t want to feel that horrible thing again… I don’t…

“Alright, if you wish sooo…” his voice became bored, Oleg suddenly grabbed my head and turned it to the side, that he could clearly see my vein. I started to panic. My heart beating so painfully, my eyes started to burn.

“Simon!” I shouted the name, not even thinking about this. It was self-protection, just a reflex, I would do anything for not to feel again that pain. Yes… it was Simon… photo of Simon, when he won that award for healing my leg. I remember it because I was there. I was standing right behind the photographer, holding all those flowers that Simon got. Waiting for him. I remember this day, I remember this photo… Simon, I am sorry… I am so sorry…

“You see, you can talk when you want.” Oleg was pleased by my answer so he let go of my hair and put the syringe again into his pocket. Then looked at the photo himself. “Yes, Simon Nimizuki. That’s his name.” he was still looking at the photo and for one moment his look became so sad. Wait… don’t tell he is in love with Simon or something? “You know what it feels to have a dream? The feel when you almost reach it and then…” he didn’t finish his sentence, Oleg got up from the chair and started walking towards one big box next to the table. I knew this feeling… it happened to me that time… in Grand Prix when I was one step from winning and then… just in one second, everything was over. I knew that so well what it feels, I knew it so good that until now sometimes I can feel pain. What happened to this man? I was curious not because I had a pity for him. But that reason could save my life… What happened between him and Simon? How does he know that I know Simon?

From the box Oleg pulled out my bag that I lost when he was chasing me, he put the bag on the desk and opened it. From there he took out my skates. Now everything was clear about the bag, he was the one who came back and took it, that’s why we didn’t find it later. Why he needs my skates? Oleg took one skate in his hand and took off the protector. Even from the spot where I was sitting I could see sharp metal blade. He turned to me and showed the skate like some sort of a toy. That blade was sharp enough to cut… To become a murder weapon. Oleg started going towards me fast and I pressed my back against the wall so hard, almost if I can get into it. He suddenly swung with his hand which was holding the skate. I flinched, letting the gasp out at the same time and closed my eyes.

Seconds were running but I have felt nothing more than that pain I was already feeling. I was breathing loudly and fast, I also could hear how Oleg is giggling, I opened my eyes. He was holding the blade against my neck but didn’t press it, so, in the end, he hasn't made any cut. Oh shit… it was so close.

“Yuuri Yuuri… I still haven’t got enough fun with you, so don’t worry I won’t kill you so fast. Just in the end.” He smiled to me, the same as in the hospital. It was a fake smile. From the beginning. Tears started running down my face again but this time I don’t know from relief or from the fear. I was so scared… Kill? Why??? Why? “But this thing is fun, maybe I will use it later. I mean… to be killed by the thing you love the most, would be nice, no?” he asked putting the skates next to my leg, then sighed. This person is insane… “So where did we stop?” he asked thinking and crossed his legs, thinking about the reasons why he kidnapped me. “Shit, even remembering that makes me want to kill you so much…” he suddenly punched me in the face and I moaned from the pain, turning my head to the side, sobbing and feeling how my heart inside is jumping from this unknown feeling of fear. Even when Yurio had beaten me, I didn’t feel like this. I coughed a little bit of blood because I accidently bit my tongue when Oleg hit me. What is the reason?? FUCK. I started sobbing even more… Victor, please… please Victor… come… please come now… find me.

“He will find me…” I said silently and Oleg let the sigh out. Of course, I was the one who believed in miracles here. How will he find me? I don’t even know myself where I am and how I got here. Victor doesn’t know anything about Oleg, just the fact that he is working in a hospital. How will this help him? Oleg is not stupid, I was sure that we are in some kind of a strange secret place that no one knows about.

“Right? When? Should I set the stopwatch?” he laughed and I raised my head, looking at Oleg with all confidence I was able to feel. I know that Victor will be searching for me. I wanted to believe that. I didn’t have another choice. I got all my strengths and spit out right into Oleg's face, the mixture of my blood and saliva. He was standing still for a few seconds, then slowly wiped his face with a hand. “Oh, you have here pretty serious look… I am almost scared.” He grabbed my shoulders and hit my whole body to the wall. I hit my head so strong that everything around started spinning, I think I lost consciousness for few seconds. Shit… I let some strange sound from my mouth and fell on the other side, on the floor, right in that gross vomit. Who cares? “Okay… since you calmed down, let’s listen to the story and then we can play more, what do you say, Yuuri?” He asked my opinion like here this would have any value. Oleg went to the metal table on the wheels and took some strange metal tool in his hand, he started cleaning it… it was like some kind of ritual. I was following his moves with my eyes, just in case if Oleg starts moving towards me again. “I mean… I think it’s fair to know the reason why you will die…” Hahaha, right. Fair. He is the one who can talk what is fair and what is not… I slowly blinked, my cheek where Oleg has punched before was pulsating. So? What‘s the reason?

“I was studying with Simon in the same university, same faculty even in the same group. Surprise surprise, we were best friends. I am sure he never talked about me, right?” He started speaking silently and I had to listen really carefully to hear everything. I was trying, it was hard not to lose concentration. Best friends? Why I never heard about him from Simon? “When I started working in the hospital to me came one boy… who couldn’t walk because of his leg and I took him in my care. I did so much for him, trying so hard and I succeeded, he started walking again. I was the best, I knew I will go far with this. I had to win an award for this new technology I created.” His voice was strangely proud of himself but also so angry at the same time. What happened to that boy? Did he… “The boy died. Because of infection in his leg, he came to me too late and I wasn’t able to save him. Simon… he saw everything, he saw all my ideas and mistakes.” Oleg put the tool back on the table and took another one, also started cleaning. He was preparing for something and I didn’t want to know what. Why Simon never told me about this? If they are real friends… I mean… “After that, I lost all chances of winning and I was sent here, to work in Russia in some shitty hospital. I am a surgeon for God sake, not some… emergency aid… fuck!” he suddenly hit the table so hard with his fists that half of the tools fell down making those horrible loud sounds, making me flinch. I tried to get up, to sit again. I don’t know how I did this, but I leaned to the closet again with my shoulder. Oh my, that took my strengths. I got scared again. Every sound he was doing made me flinch. But… I still haven’t heard the real reason.

“Simon stopped talking to me.” Oleg was holding the edges of the table, standing leaned a little bit forward with empty face and eyes. Remembering those things, that made him a monster. “Then Simon found you… he made a miracle, right? Wow, just look you are walking again! Hahahahaha… that piece of shit…” he started laughing so hard that it sounded even creepier, my heart froze for a few seconds. He said something about me… but what is that? “As soon as I saw X-ray of your leg I understood what happened. I saw my work, my ideas… and he won that fucking award. MY award. Everyone started respecting him… you see a new star! New hope for the future! Fuck this shit… But… I wonder what people will say when his… future example dies… when he will feel the same failure I felt.” Oleg sighed finishing his story, I couldn’t move. Truth in front of my eyes just was released. I would never have thought that I am his revenge for… Simon. I thought about lots of possible reasons… maybe he was some crazy fan, maybe he was just sick I even thought… that maybe Victor has done something to him. But… but… Shit. That’s bad. That’s so bad. Oleg suddenly moved again from that little table.

Even after learning why he kidnapped me, I didn’t feel better. I can’t help him. Nobody can. Sometimes this happens in life. Some people are better than others. That‘s it. And some people just can’t lose, that was Oleg’s case. But I am the one who will have to take responsibility because of his mistakes. I was really tired, my arms bonded behind my back started hurting so much, and my wrists were burning. I leaned my head against the wall breathing slow and deep. I already have vomited so many times, that all my body was feeling like jelly. I don’t know what kind of medicine (or drug?) he was using on me, but it hurt everywhere until now.

“Just… let me go… please… I swear I won’t tell anyone…” I silently begged again looking at Oleg’s back. He was again searching for something in that big box on the floor. He can still stop it. I won’t tell anything to Simon. Really. To anyone… just let me go. I want to go back.

“By the way, is that true that you are a homo?” he wasn’t listening to me. He already told me that he’ll kill me, so begging won’t help. Still… I didn’t answer his question. Why it matters now? Unless… unless he will do something to Victor later… fuck. I was sure that he saw him in the taxi… and on the beach with me. No no… he can't be also a part of his crazy revenge.

“Please… you have me, Victor hasn't done anything… he doesn’t know anything.” I said this time with stronger voice, trying to put all my force in it. I was feeling weak and it was hard to talk. My tongue felt so twisted. But not Victor… not him.

“Is that really so good to be fucked?” He asked and I started trembling. He is not listening to me at all… he doesn’t understand. “I want to see how you look when you are fucked… really curious.” He said turning around and I saw in his hand some kind of strange and huge dildo with sharp spikes on it. My eyes opened so widely that tears started coming out.

Suddenly I leaned forward and started vomiting again. Since I didn’t have anything in my stomach long ago it was just gastric juice from which my whole mouth was burning. Fuck my stomach hurts so much… everything insides start turning into flames.

Oleg started going towards me and I tried to move, I wanted somehow set my hands free. He was going slowly but didn‘t stop even for a second. Enjoying seeing me like that, I tried moving my legs and get up, but they didn’t listen to me. Get up Yuuri. Fight. Don’t give up. Don’t give up! Shit. I was helpless, I couldn‘t do anything just wait for this torture. For him to make fun of me. I started crying out loud almost screaming, shaking my head so hard.

“Lick it, Yuuri. Lick it.” He came so close and stepped on my left leg with his foot. He knew that the broken one was right, so he did it on purpose. I was sure that Oleg had another plan for my other leg. When he spoke, I suddenly froze. Couldn't move. He pressed that thing to my mouth but I was keeping my lips shut. No. I am not doing what he wants. I was looking at dildo at those sharp spikes and almost felt how they tear apart everything inside me.

“Don’t… don’t… please…” I was saying something not even moving my mouth so I think it was coming from inside, the sound which should have reminded these words. He was just smiling, this smile was giving me chills. I hate this smile, I hate it so much.

“I said lick it!” he shouted and stick that dildo in my mouth so fast and rough that if I haven‘t opened my mouth in time, I think I would have lost my teeth. The pain in the mouth spread right away, together with the taste of blood. It tore my lips, tongue, skin inside of cheeks and palate. I choked, for few seconds it even got dark in my eyes. In the end, when I remembered how to breathe Oleg was already watching at that bloody dildo in his hands, like seeing a really nice thing. I was holding my mouth opened because closing it would give me so much more pain. The blood was running down my chin and dropping on the floor, mixing with vomits.

“That’s kind of boring… how about your ass?” he asked suddenly punching me with his leg down, I was forced to press my face to that liquid on the floor, lay on my stomach. Those sounds I was letting… I couldn’t hold them… I wanted to be strong, but I couldn’t… Now in my mouth, I was tasting not only blood but also those disgusting pukes. Everything. Oleg pulled down my pants and underwear, all my body was shaking like having epileptic seizure… let me just die, let me just faint, let me just… I saw how he lifts his arm and I screamed. Nothing happened. He stopped. Just an inch until my ass. Oleg started laughing. He was torturing me this way. The same with that skate blade. He wanted my heart to stop from fear, he wanted my head to explode from this shock and stress. Everything started spinning so fast and the dream came true I felt nothing. Everything was gone.

I had a dream…  
_I came to the living room in our old flat in Sant Peterburg. Somehow I knew I was dreaming, but when I saw Victor sitting on the couch, reading a book and eating an apple I couldn’t hold myself. I run with all I have, rushed to his hands and jumped on him, hugged so hard. The safest feeling in the world. In his hands. Victor let me sit on his laps holding me so tight, softly kissed my ear._

_“What is it, Yuuri? You want an apple?” he asked, gently touching my back, putting his long fingers in my hair, with his lips kissing my skin, I started crying, every second pressing his body against mine harder and harder. “Yuuri? What is it? Tell me…” his voice became so worried, but I just shook my head. Can we stay like this forever? Can I be in his arms like that? Just say you love me again. Victor sighed and I put my head on his shoulder. I couldn’t hear his heartbeat, but I wanted that so much… it was so quiet._

_“I am…so tired Victor, it hurts… It hurts so much… I am so scared… I am so lonely. Please… I can’t anymore.” After few minutes I talked, almost begged for Victor to set me free, to let me go… I don’t want this pain, I don’t want to be tortured, I just want to be with him. Just like that. I don’t want to wake up. I was shaking my head, but Victor made me move it from his shoulder and look into his eyes. Like a sky… He took my face with his palms and smiled, putting all his love in this gesture._

_“Let it go,_ maja liubov _. Let it go… You already have fought so much. You were so brave. So strong. I am so proud of you." he touched my forehead with his and my lips started trembling. "You can go… you don’t have to fight anymore. It’s okay… I am here. I am always here. It’s over…” he leaned and kissed me I closed my eyes._

_And felt Victor’s hot tear on my face._

  
“Welcome back.” I opened my eyes and I saw Oleg face above me. I was lying on that hospital bed, my legs and arms were tied, I couldn't move them. After seeing doctors face so close I started breathing fast, I couldn’t feel my mouth, so just with my eyes I was showing the fear I am feeling. He was holding shining metal scalpel in his hand. I strained my legs and arms so much, that it seemed that my muscles will tear apart. “I thought that I don’t really want to play with you anymore. You are… a little bit boring. Sooo let’s just end it here. I will just make your leg like it was before and then… then we will think about some options how to end your life. You can choose which one you like.” He smiled and put the sharp blade to my knee skin I let the sound out and moved. “Oh, by the way, I am just too lazy to make anesthesia for you… so it will hurt a little bit.” He gave me a smirk and suddenly pressed the blade to my skin.

It exploded. Something in my head at that moment exploded so hard that I understood – it’s the end.

_Hey, Victor…_

_I am free…_

_It’s over._

_We are together._


	22. Chapter 22. Victor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Give me… give me...” I repeated few times, looking just at policeman’s hands, he looked at detectives and when they nodded he gave that one, he was carrying in the hands. I took him into my arms like a baby and lost all my strengths, it’s good that I was standing next to the bench, because otherwise, I would have fallen on the ground. I sat on the bench and looked at him in my hands. “Yuuri…” I said quietly with my fingers moving the edge of the blanket to see his face. I was a little bit afraid of the view, but it wasn’t that bad at least from the first sight… one of his cheeks were a little bit swollen, on his lips I could see some little wounds, they were bloody, but nothing more. At least his face looked normal. It looks like Yuuri is sleeping, he looked so calm and relaxed. I sighed from relief. Everyone was talking around me, but I didn’t hear anything, I was looking just at Yuuri. Holding him so close to me, I was able to feel his heartbeat. That’s alright… he is with me again. “I hope you didn’t think that I will let you go again?” I was able to smile again and it felt so good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good afternoon! (It's 7:25 p.m. in my place)
> 
> If you won't stop writing those cute and lovely comments I won't be able to stop writing this story! That's basically what I am doing these days. Watching Yuri on ice and writing this fanfic. But deadlines in uni are coming and I am not sure if I finish this story until then if I don't finish then you will have to wait for chapters more than one day ;O <3
> 
> Alright, anyway, thank you so much for your love. This fanfic and you are one of the happiest things that happened to me in 2016 <3
> 
> Yuuri was saved. Yay~~ (or maybe not yay?) Next chapter it's again from Yuuri side ^-^
> 
> With a lot of love <3  
> Vitavili <3
> 
> Can I love you a little bit more? <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 #Hugs
> 
> P.S. Victor... I am crying.

The first thing that came into my mind when I woke up, is that we need that kind of mattress for our bed in Moscow. I slept like a baby, it was so comfortable. I haven’t woke up even once, also didn’t have any nightmares. Just perfect. I need to steal this. I yawned pressing my face to the pillow and stretched legs and arms. That was a wonderful idea to come here. Sochi was a perfect place to rest after everything. Yesterday seeing how happy Yuuri is here I also finally started feeling a little bit more relaxed. After what happened, I couldn’t leave him alone, I wanted Yuuri to feel safe. And this is our chance to return confidence in his eyes. He can be strong. We won’t give up. If that freak again comes near Yuuri again, I will tear him apart with my own hands.

“Yuuuuri...” I opened my eyes and smiled. Our first perfect day here, lazy lying at the beach, walking around and enjoying the sun, I knew some really good restaurants here and in the evening we should go to… “Yuuri?” I asked again when he didn’t answer. I knew that he is not in the bed because otherwise, he would be lying next to me, hugging and cuddling. Recently he loved to wake me up like that. Our room was huge, but here was no place to hide. I tried to listen, but in the bathroom, I could here just a silence.

Suddenly I started feeling strange like I have already seen this before. Like I have already passed through all this situation. Hahaha, Victor, don’t be stupid. He couldn’t possibly leave you. Not this time. There was no reason, especially after yesterday when I opened my heart for him and told about my family, the secret I have never told anyone before. Calm down, he probably went down to take breakfast or is lying next to the pool. I slowly walked to the window and looked down, there were just a few people next to the pool. This morning was beautiful so everyone went to the beach or still was sleeping. I tried to relax, but somehow I couldn’t help myself, heart in my chest started beating fast and I flinched. Hurts. I need to drink some medicine. It’s okay… Yuuri will come back soon. I just hate when he leaves like that. I must tell him that.  
I went to my bag and found a pill to calm that crazy heartbeat down. Yuuri’s bag was opened so I guess he really went somewhere while I was sleeping. Alright. I need to call him first. I looked around but couldn’t find my phone. At the end, I had to take Yuuri’s phone. He left me and also took my phone with himself? Why? I unlocked Yuuri’s phone and searched for my name in the list. It was so strange to search for myself, but somehow I hoped to find something like _My love Victor_ or _Victor forever_ , but it was simple written _Victor Nikiforov_. Relly, Yuuri? You need to learn about cute things so much. When the women’s voice said that phone is turned off, I sighed. No panic. But I had enough with these games, It wasn’t funny at all. Not after everything. When I find him, I will spank his ass so hard, that he won’t be able to sit on it for at least one week. He can’t play with me this way anymore.

I dressed up and got down right to the security room. I didn’t want to explain that my lover likes to give me a heart attack leaving me alone in the bed. But it’s enough, Yuuri, enough running somewhere without telling me anything. Do you want that? Okay. I will search for you like a child right now, I will make all Russia get up on their feet. I told the guards that my friend is missing and I can’t contact him, I asked to search him in security cameras and find where he went. At first, they told me to calm down and just wait a little bit more, but after I told them that I will call the police they gave up. They let me into a small room with a lot of screens and started searching for the records of our floor view. They told me, that they don’t have enough screens to see everything at the same time, but they have all the records. I held my breath when they finally found Yuuri. Did he leave our room at 7 a.m. ?Why so early? But he didn’t have anything with himself just a phone in his hands, also looked pretty calm. A person who wants to run away really doesn’t look like that. I calmed down a little bit, it’s okay… he just went somewhere. Really. But now the clock was showing almost noon. He should have returned by this time. Guards started searching in other records where he went, we saw how Yuuri left the building, for a few minutes was looking at the sea in front of his eyes and then started walking behind the hotel. There was just one camera and in that position how Yuuri was standing we were able to see just a little bit of his face. He was talking with someone on the phone. It’s my phone… With whom is he talking? The record was without the sound so we couldn’t hear anything. The talk wasn’t long. What he will do next? Yuuri put the phone into his pocket and then…

“Bozhe moy!” (Oh my God!) One of the guards suddenly shouted. “Zvoni v politsiyu seychas!” (Call police now!). Everyone froze for one second after seeing the view how someone's hand presses Yuuri’s mouth with something and drags him in the shadow. Guards started acting after few seconds, but I couldn’t move. I was looking at that frozen frame where I could see just Yuuri’s shadow. That’s all what I had for now. One of the guards was asking me something but I couldn’t understand. The floor started sliding out from under my feet, I had to grab on something. Before my eyes I suddenly saw Yuuri’s face, smiling and saying that he is finally happy with me. But… now he was… I let the scream out. Not again.

  
I was sitting on the couch in my living room in Moscow. I don’t really remember everything that happened after that moment in the security room. I don’t remember how I returned home. It was just some parts in my head. How I am trembling, calling to Phichit and asking if Yuuri is not with him, saying that I will go search for him. Moments how I am calling for Simon asking what should I do… how I am speaking with Yurio. It seems that Yuuri was talking with him just a second before he was kidnapped. I was in a panic, I didn’t want to believe that Yuuri is in danger, that he is in that crazy stalkers hands. What does he need? Money? I told police everything I knew. Now they believed me, right. It's a little bit too late, you fuckers! Where have you been when we came here and begged you for help! And now they are showing the hero part, right… promising that they will find him no matter what. Feeling guilty that they didn’t believe us right away. They were acting too slowly, I wanted to go to search him by myself, but how? Where?That's why I had to sit in my home feeling like a piece of shit, waiting for some shitty call that never came. Our home became like a yard that everyone was passing through, they were ruining our privacy. Every hour of waiting making into the huge pain. It was useless… I was useless. Yuuri has been missing more than 22 hours. I haven’t been eating, drinking, and sleeping since then. I think since then I haven’t even felt anything, everything was the same.

“Victor… you need to eat something. When we find Yuuri, he will need you. You can’t be weak.” Phichit was kneeling in front of me, in his hands holding some sandwich and water. But my face was so frozen, that I couldn’t move even my eyes to watch him, I was looking at the phone on the table. According to police, the kidnapper might call. Yeah… they were saying that because they didn’t have any other hope. It seems that doctor left his job two weeks ago, his flat in Moscow was empty, phone turned off. Police tried to track my phone, but there was no signal. They said that it looks like a simple kidnapping, we just have to wait for someone to call. Bullshit.

“Give me that! I already know how this works, when he is so pathetic.” Yurio took the glass of water from Phichit hand and grabbed my hair, made me drink the water, I instantly started choking, but he didn’t let me go until I drank everything.

“Yurio! Oh my, God, you can’t do this with him…” Phichit made Yurio step away from me. I slowly wiped my chin where a bit of water ran down. I heard how Yurio says something to Phichit and they start almost fighting, but then Seung-Gil interrupts and separates them. Oh no… they made me look away from the phone. Those damn kids… When they all came saying that they want to help I didn’t say anything, but now it was already pissing me off. Everything was driving me crazy. Everyone here was searching something in the dark without light.

“Victor…” I heard a voice and someone sat next to me. It was Simon. He also came as soon as I called. He just returned to my place from the city, all this time he was running around searching for some good private hospital just in case if we need it, where he could take care of Yuuri when we will find him. When? WHEN? FUCK. I lifted my head a little bit and looked at Simon, his hair color reminded me of Yuuri. I couldn’t look away.

“We… have to go search for him. We won’t help him just sitting here.” I said silently my first words after about six or seven hours. Simon also looked tired, he came right from the London and haven’t rested since then. He was almost feeling the same pain I did. But jus almost. Because no one can really understand what I am feeling right now. No one understands that the pain that Yuuri is feeling is already in my heart. He is suffering, I knew it. Simon was looking at me with so much sadness and compassion, that I could almost imagine how I look like. Two days without the shower, without eating, sleeping… all pale, almost dead.

“We will find him. I promise. If only we knew something more about that doctor… what is his name again?” Simon sighed, he was so busy searching for the hospital who could take in Yuuri and also let him work as his doctor that he got lost in all other information. Of course, he knew that Yuuri was kidnapped, but still didn’t heard all the details.

“Oleg Drozdov,” I said and started feeling the knife in my throat, it was so hard to pronounce it. Because somewhere now he had my Yuuri and I couldn’t do anything about. Chills run down my spine, so quickly that it made me tremble. I hate that man so much, I have never hated anyone like that in my life. Until this day I even didn’t know what it really means to hate someone. Simon was sitting frozen and his eyes were getting bigger and bigger. What? “Simon… what is it?” I suddenly felt the adrenaline rush inside me, he knows something.

“Fuck… fuck…. It’s him… it’s him. Why you haven’t told me sooner…??? Shit! I know where Yuuri is!” he jumped so fast on his feet that everyone in the room flinched: detectives, policemens, Yurio, Phichit, and Seung-Gil. No one couldn’t believe that answer was so simple and it was always just in front of our eyes. I grabbed Simon's hand so hard, that I thought that I will break it, but Simon didn’t say anything.

After that, everything started going so fast. Simon told us about a person who was studying in the same group as he and that this person has done some really hard operation for one boy who couldn't walk. The boy died and Oleg got depressed, he moved to Russia and started working in a simple hospital. When Simon found Yuuri, he decided to try again do the similar operation, this time he did everything more accurately. He never told to anyone that procedure was his idea, but in the end, he was the one who won some kind of award. Simon couldn’t explain the real reason why Oleg decided to kidnap Yuuri, but it seems that before becoming a doctor they were friends and one time Oleg told Simon about some summerhouse which belonged to his grandfather long ago and that he had some little lab in basement, because he was like a doctor of that village. The place was about 150 km from Moscow. It wasn't hard to find Oleg’s grandfathers name and then search for the location of that place. Simon finished his story when we were already in the police car, going to that place. I, Simon and two detectives were sitting in one car and behind us were going two more cars with policemen inside and one ambulance car. Others who stayed in Moscow will come right into the hospital. After finding out that kidnapper is Oleg, Simon was sure that we will need hospital

Suddenly I caught myself praying. I wasn’t really into that God thing, but this time it was everything I had. I repeated in my head so many times those prayers for Yuuri, that words started mixing inside my head. I didn't know how to pray properly, but now I just hoped, that this God doesn't care how I pray. The most important that he hears my words. We were going for ages, so long and it seemed that we are slithering. Oh my, I am running faster than this car is going. At this moment the feelings were so strong… my body haven’t stopped shaking from that moment when Simon told that he knows where Yuuri is.

When we finally reached the destination, I wanted to go inside the house, but they didn’t let me. One of the policemen was holding me, with his hands. I knew that I have to wait here, but my body didn’t listen, it was moving on his own. Simon also stayed here. At the end, three policemen stayed with us, and one policeman with two detectives went inside. Doctors who came with the ambulance were next to the door, waiting for a signal when they can come inside. The main doors were unlocked, so when policemen went inside, deadly silence spread around us. Everyone was waiting. Frozen. Please, Yuuri. Be here. Be here. Be alright. I am here. I came to you. Be here.

Suddenly Simon let the gasp out and everyone flinched when we heard a gunshot sound. What is going on? Someone just shot someone! Fuck… nobody could have stopped me now, I started running towards the building, when Simon grabbed my hand.

“LET GO. LET ME GO!” I shouted, but he didn’t, he was saying something to me, tried to pull me back. This piece of shit! Jeez, let me go. I have to see it. I have to be there. Someone moved next to the door and I froze again, Simon stopped talking. It was the detective, holding the gun in his hand. He came outside and there were no feelings in his face like he just saw something horrible.

“He is dead.” He sighed and I almost fell on the ground, but Simon grabbed me on time. Who is dead?? Who the fuck is dead? Then the other detective came outside, wiping his hands with some kind of rag. Behind him, I saw the policeman, who was caring someone in his hands. Someone who was wrapped in a blanket, someone not very tall, skinny and looking so small right now. Simon covered his mouth with palm, sighed from relief, I slowly moved forward. “Oleg I mean,” Detective said and rolled his eyes, like thinking that now he will have a lot of paperwork.

“Give me… give me...” I repeated few times, looking just at policeman’s hands, he looked at detectives and when they nodded he gave that one, he was carrying in the hands. I took him into my arms like a baby and lost all my strengths, it’s good that I was standing next to the bench, because otherwise, I would have fallen on the ground. I sat on the bench and looked at him in my hands. “Yuuri…” I said quietly with my fingers moving the edge of the blanket to see his face. I was a little bit afraid of the view, but it wasn’t that bad at least from the first sight… one of his cheeks were a little bit swollen, on his lips I could see some little wounds, they were bloody, but nothing more. At least his face looked normal. It looks like Yuuri is sleeping, he looked so calm and relaxed. I sighed from relief. Everyone was talking around me, but I didn’t hear anything, I was looking just at Yuuri. Holding him so close to me, I was able to feel his heartbeat. That’s alright… he is with me again. “I hope you didn’t think that I will let you go again?” I was able to smile again and it felt so good. Like I was dead all those hours from the moment in the hotel until now. Once he opens his eyes and sees me again, everything is going to be alright. I touched his forehead with my lips. You see, Yuuri, we can't live without each other… Jeez, he was really how to say more gently... stinking very bad. A big bath with a lot of love… that’s what he will get soon. Or…

“We should go to the hospital, detectives will stay a little bit longer they need to clean up everything…” Simon came to me and looked at Yuuri in my arms, when I lifted my head and looked at him, somehow I didn’t see so much joy as in my eyes. He was seeing something that I couldn’t see. Maybe the love bath will have to wait. But I am not giving Yuuri to anyone, I can carry him myself to the car or anywhere he needs. I am never letting him go. Never. I nodded to Simon and stood up, we sat in ambulance car and when some shitty doctor asked to put Yuuri on the bed I almost killed him with my look. He didn’t say anything after that. That’s right.

“What happened?” I asked after about half an hour when we were going in silence, Simon touched Yuuri’s forehead to see if he has a temperature. He didn’t. This is a good sign, right? I couldn’t understand why Simon looks so worried. I mean it’s alright… he is here with me again. And that fucking Oleg is dead. I was just feeling sorry that I couldn’t kill him myself.

“They came just in time, at the moment they opened the door, Oleg was just starting cutting his leg. Detective shot instinctively, just to make him move, but it seems that he got right into the heart. Oleg died on the spot.” Simon sighed crossing his arms against his chest. Oleg was his friend, right? So he knew him pretty well. I didn’t want to blame Simon, I knew that he cares about Yuuri, but every thought about Oleg was making me sick right now. “From the first version, it seems that Oleg was driving with his car from Sochi to here. It takes about 19 hours, and so that’s why we were just in time… we were really lucky. It seems that there is no danger to Yuuri’s life.” After hearing that I pressed his body stronger to me. Like I said, everything will be alright now. There is nothing to worry about… You just have to wake up, Yuuri… you just have to open your eyes again.

But he didn’t. We drove all the way to the hospital, others were already here. After seeing us, Phichit rushed to see Yuuri in my hands, Yurio was sitting on the bench in the corridor and sighed, I couldn’t really understand how he was feeling. But he wasn’t angry. I still didn’t know if I forgive him or not. It’s better to keep things how they are now. I don’t want any kind of risk again. It’s okay without him around. More peaceful. I don’t think that my heart can handle any more of this shit.

“Victor… give him to me. I promise that I will just take a quick look and let nurse wash him, okay? Just half an hour. You can wait here with others, I will call you when everything is done. Trust me.” Simon asked me, showing to put Yuuri at one of the hospital's bed on wheels. I don’t want to trust anyone. I need to see how Yuuri wakes up. I must be the first person he sees. Phichit touched my shoulder and after a few moments I gave up. I didn’t have another choice. As soon as I laid him on the bed, Simon nodded and with a few other doctors drove the bed somewhere, when they turned around the corner, I couldn’t see them anymore.  
  
Oh man… I felt tired. I sat down next to Yurio and pressed my head against the wall. This has sucked out everything from me. I will need like a week of sleep, love, and cuddling without getting from the bed. I was feeling so much older, like having 60 years old. I thought that this kind of things just happens in movies or books, not in real life. All I wanted is Love and Life, is that so much to ask? This half hour was also a way too long, I heard how Phichit is silently talking with Seung-Gil and how Yurio is typing something on his phone, but I didn’t move. I was waiting, frozen like a statue, counting seconds in my head.

“Everybody, it’s done.” I opened my eyes even before Simon spoke, he was wearing white doctor gown, holding hands in pockets. He was smiling, but something was still wrong. And he must tell me what, I stood up. Let him show the way. “Wait… I need to tell you something before visiting Yuuri.” What now?? Can’t you tell me already there or on our way? But Simon was standing still so I sat back down on the bench. Too tired to stand. Phichit grabbed Seung-Gil’s arm, I wish I could grab Yuuri’s arm right now. “So… let’s start from the beginning… that Oleg has used on Yuuri some kind of drug we still down know what exactly. That’s how he was able to drive him all the way from Sochi. Because of the drug Yuuri lost a lot of fluids, it seems that he have vomited many times… and he is weak. But we will give him some vitamins, you will have to make sure that he eats and drinks a lot. Yuuri is still young so his body should recover pretty soon. Another thing… his cut on the leg, nothing to worry about, as I said we were really lucky, the cut is so small that it will heal in a few days guess, it's more like a scratch. So that’s good news…” Where the hell he sees any good in those things he has told us? What can be worse than drugs and the fact that Oleg wanted to cut his leg? “Yuuri’s mouth inside is all covered in wounds and scratches. They are not bleeding anymore, but the damage is already done. I think that it will be hard for him to talk for some time, also to eat… that’s why all the food must be smashed. Victor, you will have to take care of this. Sometimes it can hurt a lot for him, but the good thing is that wounds in mouth heals pretty good and quickly. So I will give something for rinse the mouth, like disinfectant and some oil for the wounds to make them heal faster. Aaaand at last… what actually worries me the most… is that we don’t know what Oleg has done to Yuuri… we don’t have any idea what kind of shock he had and how scared he was, so I just suggest for a few minutes act really carefully, just to see his reaction. Also, he has hit head really hard, sooo we can't let him jump from the bed… that’s pretty much. I think that tomorrow you can take him home.” Simon finished his talk and sighed. Should I write everything down? Well, I will ask him to repeat some things later. Now I had other important things to do. For example, see Yuuri. After hearing everything that happened to him, I couldn’t wait anymore.

I started going first fast like I knew where to go. Simon quickly caught me up. Everyone else was going behind us. Just a little bit more… just a little bit…

I froze. Like everybody else. Yuuri was standing in the middle of the corridor, watching at some kind of picture on the wall. He was wearing hospital clothes and one hand holding on the wall. It was hard for him to stand. Oh my, he woke up alone and got scared. Yuuri… he looked at one side, then at another and saw us. I stepped forward. Slowly, like Simon told us because otherwise I would have started running and grabbed him.

“Yuuri…" I smiled and opened my arms for him. Let me take you where it's safe again. Let me protect you from everything. He was standing still just watching at all of us, like thinking about something. Even if he was weak right now, his body was still graceful and strong, his brown hair was still a little bit wet. He was beautiful, so mine. Yuuri was without glasses, but his eyes looked calm and relaxed, his gaze was strong, that made the brown color of his eyes almost blaze. He is not scared at all. Something is wrong here. He licked his lower dry lip and knitted his eyebrows, obviously from pain. Everyone was scared to move because he wasn’t moving… thinking about something that we couldn’t understand. Why he is not coming to me? What is it, Yuuri?

“Sumimasen... demo… dare desu ka?” (I am really sorry… but… who are you?) he said really quietly, but it sounded like Yuuri started shouting at us.

I let my hands down.

I know that my Japanese sucks. I always knew that… but... this time I and everyone around me perfectly understood what he has asked.

Yuuri…

 


	23. Chapter 23. Yuuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I laid down and covered myself with a blanket, turned to the side. I need to remember… I have to remember what this person is to me. I started crying silently, holding sobbing, that he couldn’t hear me. But after a few minutes, Victor was already here, standing next to bed, I could feel this with my body, the heat was coming from that spot. I rolled on the other side and looked at him. Victor started reaching me with his hand and I couldn’t move. I was so scared but at the same time, I wanted him to touch me. He took off my glasses and put them on the table. Then leaned forward to me. I hold my breath. He is leaning forward and I can’t do anything, just look at his bright eyes. He was so close that I could see how tired his eyes are. Like he also hasn't slept at least for one day. My heart started beating fast and painfully, I almost let the sound of fear when Victor’s lips stopped just inch from mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohayo!
> 
> Welcome to the longest (until now) and the most boring chapter you will get in this story!  
> No seriously... it's boring :D Because here Yuuri is just talking about everything and blahblahblah. No action... meh, but I needed this chapter so much! So just read it when you have time :D
> 
> Weeeelll from here the real action starts again. I am not talking about stalkers and freaks. I am talking about love and other things! (getting hot) I knew that for someone I promised that in this chapter you will see Victor dominant, but in the end, this chapter got pretty long, so I moved that thing to chapter 24 or 25 :D
> 
> Yeah, and Yuuri still haven't remembered what Oleg did to him, so be prepared to read about his cries when he finally remembers everything. ;o
> 
> sooooo much drama.
> 
> Victor, fuck him already.  
> Thank you.
> 
> A lot of love, and thank you so much for reading <3  
> See you next time in the chapter full of smut and feels <3 (Yuuri WILL fucking run into Victor's arms sobbing and crying. Believe me. Also... want to know what Victor is doing in that secret room? :3)
> 
> Vitavili <3

Where am I? This was the only one thing in my head. I was lying in bed with my eyes opened, watching at the ceiling and thinking the same over and over again. I tried to think about something else, but in the end, these questions came back to my mind. What am I doing here? Why am I lying in this bed? Why? Really. What happened? I lifted my arm and looked at long fingers. Do they belong to me? Me? Me who? Is some sort of joke? Am I dreaming? Slowly I touched my lower lip with fingertips. Hurts. It hurts inside the mouth, this pain annoys me and I want to drink. Why my thoughts are without order? Think. Think. You must remember.

I need to get out from here. He might come and search for me. Who is he? I didn’t know why I suddenly got scared, why my heart started to beat fast. But I knew that I have to get out from here because someone is searching for me. Someone wants to kill me and if I stay here, he will come. I need to get out now. I tried to get up from the bed, but as soon as I sat my stomach started hurting so much that I leaned to the side and fell from the bed. Ouch. Shit. It’s not going to work this way. Where am I? This room wasn’t big, walls were colored in really soft color, something between white and pink. This room was alright, but it’s not my place. But where it is then? I slowly started getting up, holding on my stomach. Okay. I am on my feet. Step by step I went to the door, it was cold for my feet and one of my knees was itching. The right one. I guess why… and why my mouth hurts? No no, concentrate and get out from here. You have to get out and run somewhere safe, then think about everything.

  
I opened the door and looked at both sides of the long corridor it was empty. What now? Where should I go? Which side? After closing the door I walked few steps forward. Oh no... My knees started to bend, so I had to grab on the wall. Why my body is not holding me? Even after this short way from bed to this point I felt so tired. I need to hide… somewhere. Suddenly I saw a photo on the wall and it made me forget everything. It was a photo of a girl, not just a girl, this girl was standing on ice. Ice skater. I stretched my back and took a deep breath. After so many questions in my head, I suddenly felt how my body starts relaxing. I was watching at the photo and feeling how confidence is going back to my body. I know this feeling…

“Yuuri…” someone’s voice said. He said this word with such love and grief that I thought that he is calling some Goddess. Who is Yuuri? I looked to one side but there was no one, then I turned my head to the other side. The first thing I saw was a man who was holding his arms opened. I swear… I felt something in my chest and that feeling was so strong, that I couldn’t hold on. I have never seen him before in my life, but this feeling was something insane. I had to know who he is. I can’t explain why it’s so important. Because he was so beautiful or because he was looking at me like he knows who I am. I liked my dry lips because otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to talk. Ouch. Hurts.

“I am really sorry… but… who are you?” I asked silently. All my mouth inside was like one big wound, every move of the tongue was painful, but this question was more important than my pain. Why are you looking at me with those sad eyes? That man, with wonderful silver hair and bright blue eyes, let his arms down and suddenly I again felt something inside my chest. I can’t turn away my eyes from him… why? Why it hurts so much? Why I suddenly feel that I want to cry and run into those opened arms he was holding before? From confidence I just had in my eyes everything turned back to panic. I suddenly wrapped my arm around my waist, protecting myself and stepped back. He wasn’t the only one, next to him another man was standing, and behind them three more. They were looking at me like waiting that at any moment I will say: Hahaha, it’s a joke.

“Hello, my name is Simon, I am a doctor.” The man next to the silver-haired prince (I don’t know why I named him like this in my head), stepped forward and smiled to me, this smile was friendly but I was still looking at him without trust. Doctor? I don’t really like doctors. I don’t like them at all. And I hate that white doctor’s gown he was wearing. I stepped back again. “Or a friend. More like a friend. Is it okay?” he took off his gown like knowing what I am thinking. After giving it to someone behind him, Simon (right?) came again closer. I swear if he makes another step I will start running. Don’t come closer. Friend you say? He is a friend..? Can I trust him? From others faces, I saw that they don’t understand what Simon is talking. Don't they speak the same language we do? After few long minutes, I nodded. Okay, he is the only one who can speak with me, so I don’t really have a choice. He might know what is going on here. “I bet you have a lot of questions… Aren’t your feet cold? How about we go inside and talk?” he opened the door of the same room. Cold? I looked at my feet. Yes, I was cold… somehow I was looking at that friendly Simon’s face and I couldn’t not to trust him. I mean even if I start running again, he will catch me pretty quick. I didn’t have much strength.

Alright. Let it be like that. Slowly I started going towards him, he didn’t rush me to go faster, but when I came closer Simon started stretching his hand as if he wanted to touch me. I stopped. Don’t. Don’t touch me. He was pretty smart because he let his hand down and just nodded. Good. I walked inside. Before entering I looked again at Prince, he was looking at me with the same sad look. Who is he? Simon turned to others and said to wait for a few minutes, then closed the door. But he wasn’t talking in the same language as he was talking with me. Is it… English? I also know English. Really? I walked towards the bed and sat, putting my legs on it, covering them with the blanket. I wonder at what floor we are? Will I able to escape through the window?

“Yuuri, how are you feeling?” he asked, sitting on the couch just in front of the bed. It’s strange that I can’t see his face very well. I need my glasses. I have them, don’t I? They were lying next to the bed on the table, I took them and put on. Much better. Simon was looking at me, he was so relaxed. I guess we are really friends? And again that name… is it mine? Yuuri is my name? “If it’s hard to talk you can just nod or shake your head, alright?” I nod. We can go like that, because it’s really hard to talk now, everything is so dark in my head. “Do you remember anything? Anyone? Any name, person, event… anything?” Simon was talking slowly and I was happy about that, he gave me some time to think about every word I shook my head. No… I don’t. I don’t remember… Suddenly I felt how hot tears starts running down my face. I don’t remember. I can’t remember. “Yuuri…” Simon got up on his feet and came closer. No, don’t come closer I covered my face with palms. Don’t come. “Don’t worry, you will remember. Just don’t push yourself. It’s temporary thing… it’s alright” I could feel that he is standing next to me, but not doing anything else.

“Ice… I like ice skating.” I said sobbing and wiping my face. I can’t cry. I just can’t. Something must have happened, that’s why I don’t remember… if it’s really temporary then it’s okay… but I really love skating. Is not that I remembered how I am doing this, but I was feeling it with my heart. I want to skate so badly. When I finally looked at Simon he was smiling, looking so happy.

“That’s good! That’s true, you really love skating! You see, everything is alright, your memories are coming back.” He said and clapped his hands. I flinched. Please, don’t do these fast moves or my heart will jump from the chest. I didn’t say anything more. Let him be happy for this… somehow I didn’t want him to know that for now, it’s just a feeling, not a memory. “You want to see your other friends? They came to visit you.” He asked and waited patiently until I nodded. To be honest, I wanted to see just that Prince, but I couldn’t say like that. It seems that all of them came for me. So…

Simon went outside and after a few minutes came back in with all those people from the corridor. I grabbed my blanket and pressed it harder. They are friends, right? Prince came last, he closed the door but didn’t come closer. Why? Maybe he doesn’t want to be here?

“This is Phichit, Seung-Gil, Yuri, and Victor,” Simon said showing me one after another. I repeated those names in my head. Actually, in the end, Victor was the only name that stuck in my head for sure. The man whose name was Phichit waved at me and smiled, another one with really long name nodded and the little one, the blond, he was watching at me strangely.

“Maybe pig is lying… Maybe he remembers everything. Just wants attention.” He said in English and I froze. Why is he calling me a pig? Almost everyone at the same time looked at Yuri. His name is so similar to mine, maybe that’s why he is calling me a pig? He could have chosen another word.

“Please don’t call me a pig,” I asked silently also in English, somehow making Simon really happy about this. English is not a hard language, somehow I could control it pretty well. I looked straight at Yuri and he opened his eyes widely. If he is really my friend so why I can feel anxiety in his voice. What is the real reason he is here?

“He is just kidding…” Phichit smiled and came closer to my bed. I froze. Stop right there, where you are. Why they all want to be so close to me? Am I a person who likes cuddle with everyone? I tried to smile him back when he sat on the chair next to my bed. I don’t like this kind of jokes. I don’t like when people make fun of others. “Yuuri, we are so happy that you are alright. Don’t worry about your memory, you will remember soon enough. Victor will help you.” He was still talking with a smile on his face but I opened my eyes from the shock. Victor? Why should he help me? How? Despite that really quiet Korean guy (he didn’t look like a person who likes to talk.), Victor was the only one who still hasn't said anything.

“Why?” I asked watching Victor, but he wasn’t looking at me, his eyes were let down as watching at floor would be so much more interesting now.

“Huh? Because you are living with him… you-” Phichit started the sentence but he was interrupted.

“I am your coach. In ice skating.” Victor finally talked and I got surprised. Really? So I am ice skater? For real? And I am living with my coach? Seems fair. So why then your eyes looks like I am dying here? Why are you not looking at me? Look at me. Phichit bit his lip and sighed. Suddenly his phone rang and I flinched like the other time when Simon clapped with his hand. I hate loud sounds. Please.

“Oh I am sorry…” he quickly said and looked at the screen. “It’s saying that our taxi is already here… Sorry, Yuuri, now when you are alright, we with Seung need to go back… I will call you! Promise! Get better soon.” He wanted to hug me, but when I moved a little bit Phichit just gave me a smile and waved.

“It…it’s okay… Seung, Phichit. Goodbye.” I said trying to look friendly and repeat their names in my head. But to tell the truth, I really wanted them to go. Not because they did something bad, just because I was so tired.

“I am Seung-Gil, just Phichit can call- “ the Korean man started speaking, but Phichit jumped on his feet and started pushing him towards the door.

“Can you shut up…” he kicked Seung-Gil through the door. “I will call you later, Victor” he looked at the Prince and waved for me one more time, then left, closing the door after himself. They are so funny. Are they together?

“Ya tozhe idu. Zavtra priedu za vami.“ (I am also leaving. Tomorrow I will come to get you.) The blond one talked also in different language. Some of the words I was able to understand. Something about that he will come tomorrow here to pick us. He was looking at Victor but when Yuri didn’t hear an answer, he just left.

“Alright… Yuuri, if you need anything, just ask Victor to call me. He will be staying with you tonight.” Simon smiled and after that just left, from his face I could guess that he will just go to sleep. Is just me or everyone really wanted me and Victor to be alone?

After everyone left, Victor went to the couch and sat on it. I was waiting. For any words any sign, but… nothing. There was nothing. My lips started trembling again and I couldn’t explain why. Why just by looking at this man I want to cry so much? Why it hurts so much? Is he my coach, right? A friend? So why it hurts so much that he is not saying anything to me? In the corridor, he was looking at me with such eyes, like seeing the one he loves the most and now... Now he was lost in his thoughts. I laid down and covered myself with a blanket, turned to the side. I need to remember… I have to remember what this person is to me. I started crying silently, holding sobbing, that he couldn’t hear me. But after a few minutes, Victor was already here, standing next to bed, I could feel this with my body, the heat was coming from that spot. I rolled on the other side and looked at him. Victor started reaching me with his hand and I couldn’t move. I was so scared but at the same time, I wanted him to touch me. He took off my glasses and put them on the table. Then leaned forward to me. I hold my breath. He is leaning forward and I can’t do anything, just look at his bright eyes. He was so close that I could see how tired his eyes are. Like he also hasn't slept at least for one day. My heart started beating fast and painfully, I almost let the sound of fear when Victor’s lips stopped just inch from mine.

“St-op… st-op.” I begged him starting to get so scared, like he wanted to beat me, not to kiss. He quickly stepped back and I covered myself with the blanket, even my head and started sobbing again. My heart hurts so much. “Please… go… just go.” I said with trembling voice and after a few seconds, I heard how he closes the door.

“Will he remember?” I heard a voice next to me. I woke up but didn’t open my eyes. I think yesterday I cried until I just passed out, from everything. Next morning wasn’t any better… I still couldn’t remember. But this voice. It was Victor. Just he can speak so sad.

“I don’t know… I mean I want to believe that he will… it’s hard to tell… Will you tell him that-“ I also heard Simon voice and opened my eyes before he finished the sentence. Simon stopped talking. Maybe I had to wait until the end… what is the thing that Victor has to tell me? Yesterday I pushed him away… and now I was afraid to look at him and see that he is angry. “Good morning, Yuuri! How are you feeling? Ready for breakfast? After that, you can go home.” Simon smiled when I sat and looked at Victor. His face wasn’t sad at all. Suddenly he smiled for me and that made my heart raised. He is smiling! He is not mad… oh my, I felt so much better.

“Good morning,” Victor said, showing me a bag with clothes. I nodded also with a smile. Thank you, God. After that nurse brought me some strange hospital food and I almost forced myself to eat everything. It hurt to eat, but I was hungry, it’s the best I could get right now. I hope that food at Victor’s place is better. When I put my clothes on and I was almost ready to leave, Simon gave me a box with vitamins and some other stuff saying that I have to drink everything to feel better soon. I learned that Simon is actually living in London, but he told me that I can call him anytime. I said thank you and bowed to him. What can I do more?

Like Yuri told, he came to pick us. It’s just me or he is not really happy seeing me. I couldn’t understand. On our way home I wasn’t talking at all, but at least 5 times he called me pig like in the hospital. Victor also looked like he is tired of Yuri and even didn’t say thank you for driving us home. When we got out from the car, Yuri also did the same and stopped in front of me.

“I want you to know one thing, pig that-“ It was enough for me. I suddenly grabbed Yuri’s shirt hitting his back to the car. The strengths for this move just came to me. But I was so pissed off. Fuck this shit.

“If you call me pig ever again, I will punch you in the face,” I said looking straight into his eyes with a serious face, making him so surprised that he couldn’t move. I heard how Victor gasps behind me and after that starts laughing. What’s so funny? I won’t let anyone humiliate me. Why should I? I let Yuri go and started going towards the building. Like I had any idea where to go. I stopped and waited for Victor.

  
It seems that his flat was on the fifth floor. As soon as I stepped in and saw a big poodle running towards me I knew. I am home.

**2021, September 14.**

How should I put this into right word? My life with Victor was… odd and awkward at the same time. Not because two men were living in the same flat and not because I was sleeping in the bedroom and Victor on the couch. There were other things. For example like the fact that Victor really loved to walk around the flat totally naked. And at first I couldn’t understand why every time I see him like that my face is getting so red and I can’t look directly at him. I mean, I am also a man. What he has that I don’t have? Just after some days, I understood that this body is attractive for me. And I couldn’t decide why exactly… because it was really graceful or muscular, or maybe because of the lower part of his body. That’s so embarrassing. I couldn’t believe that man’s body can make me feel like that. First days I was always flinching and after about a week I got used, but still couldn’t stop blushing.

And remember that sad look Victor had in the hospital? Forget it. This man was a walking always shining sun. It seems that he was happy about everything and everyone, always with a smile. He loved teasing me saying “Yuuri, let’s take a bath together.” Or “Yuuri, can I sleep with you in bed?”or even “Yuuri, my back hurts so much can you do a massage for me?” and even after every time I got scared and ran away after hearing this, he didn’t mind. I was afraid that Victor might get mad, but he never did. It’s like this man even didn’t have a clue what it means to be mad. I guess he was always like that, and even if it was awkward I was happy that Victor is acting like nothing happened. But… after that time in the hospital, Victor didn’t touch me, not even once.

I didn’t remember anything, but I started learning everything from the beginning. Next morning when I came from the hospital I saw on TV that I was kidnapped and that the man who did this was shot. They didn’t say many details what happened, but I got interested why I am so important that even got into the news. So I found out that I am kind of well-known ice skater. Victor also. I got a bit worried that I forgot how to skate, but Victor just told me, that I have to step on the ice before doing conclusions. So I did. Once I stepped on the ice all my doubts were gone. Music started playing and I started dancing, forgetting everything in the world. I was so surprised when Victor told me that I did my Grand Prix program just perfectly, without any mistakes. I can't say how I knew the moves, they just were inside me. So I started training every day, it was the only thing that I had from the past and it made me happy. Talking about ice skating, I thought that Victor's way of walking is very beautiful, but then I saw him once on the ice. We were practicing and I went to the bathroom after I returned I saw him dancing. I froze and my heart started beating giving me chills at the same time. It wasn’t just a dance he was living on the ice. And his life was sad, moves of his hands, face features, jumps, and spins were showing in how much pain he is now. It hurt even for me, I suddenly understood that I am crying… Victor was giving all his heart to this dance, touching body like making scratches and wounds on it. He was so hurt inside that the pain was breaking out, spreading everywhere around him. I ran again into the bathroom and didn’t go out at least for 10 minutes. After I finally calmed down and returned, I had to listen how Victor is laughing at me and saying that I fell asleep in the bathroom. But from that moment I knew that his happy face is just a mask. And I wanted to know what happened, but I was the one who pushed him away and now I can’t get closer.

My family was from Japan, they started calling every day asking me questions and how I am feeling. I wanted to calm them down, but I didn’t know how. Those people were a mystery for me. At first, they wanted to come and visit me, but I was happy when in the end everyone decided that we will meet at Grand Prix final, I will have to come before it, to spend some time with them. I still don’t know how I am feeling about it. Phichit was writing for me, as he told me he will. Such a funny guy, he was always sending me photos and writing stuff that would make me laugh. I was starting feeling that I have a friend. With Simon after everything I talked just once, he called to ask how I am feeling. He was busy in London, with some kind of new project, he tried to explain what it was, but I still couldn’t understand. The same if I start speaking for him in ice skating terms. And for Yuri (how I learned later that everyone calls him Yurio), we didn’t speak even once after that day when I got out from the hospital. But he was also skating, not as much as me, but still.

For now, my main family was Victor and Makkachin (Victor’s dog), I could say that our life was quite domestic. Waking up, taking shower, eating, walking with Makkachin, going for skating and in the evening Victor always locks himself in other smaller room we had, it was full of books and had one small couch. I didn’t have any idea what he was doing there, but I wanted to know. Just didn’t have strength to ask. Everything was going so wrong… for Victor, I was just a student and I… I starting falling for him. I couldn’t stop this. I tried to look at girls in the city, tried to think about someone else, but just seeing Victor made my heart beat so fast. Living with him was pleasure and torture at the same time. As for my body... I was doing alright, those wounds in my mouth started healing (Nobody told me how I got them.), my face already was looking normal, body getting stronger. I still didn’t want anybody to touch me (well… Victor never tried, soo…) But inside I was missing something so much… and it wasn’t my memories. I just had that strong feeling that something in my casual life is not right.

“Good job, Yuuri, let’s stop here today.” I heard Victor’s voice, it was already dark outside when he stopped the music and I finished my last short program jump. Today everything was extremely great, I didn’t fell even once. I smiled at him, starting sliding fast and bumped into his chest, warping my arms around Victor’s waist. He froze.

“Thank you, you are the best coach, really. Thank you so much!” Just a moment after I said it, I understood that I am hugging him. For real. Victor was standing still, with his eyes opened widely. I quickly moved from him, blushing at the same time. I thought that he won’t tell anything so I already wanted to apologize, but he spoke.

“Yuuri, I wouldn’t be so good if you were someone else.” He touched my hair, just for a second. This touch was enough for me I felt how chills run down my spine. But this time I wasn't scared. It was the first time he touched me. Something happened to my body it was getting hot, just from this small touch. I must… I must tell him what I feel. Even if he doesn’t feel the same.

“Victor…” I moved closer and he let his hand a little bit down, now his palm was on my cheek. “I.. think I…” I bit my lip, it was so hard to say this, because I was afraid of his reaction. Maybe…

When my phone started ringing, we both flinched. I quickly moved from him and took my phone from the pocket. It was my mom. Calling like always to ask how was my day. I picked up and started sliding from the rink. Women, did you have to call now? I went somewhere in the corridor to talk. She was talking for ages, but I just wanted to return and finish what I started with Victor. I was not sure, why I started feeling for him something so fast, but from the moment I saw him in the hospital I knew that he is not just a simple outsider. Maybe I was loving him also in the past? Loving without an answer? I guess heart remembers. When I finally hang up the phone and started going towards the dressing room, I was again feeling that confidence. But I had to stop, next to the bathroom door when I heard two voices speaking in Russian. I guess I knew this language, because some days after I returned home from the hospital I understood everything that people are talking on television and in the city. So it was Yurio and Victor… I had to listen really carefully to hear what they are talking.

“… mnie ni vazna… dzielai kak ty khochies’.” (…I don’t care… do as you wish.) it was Victor. What is he talking about? His voice was a little bit angry. It’s the first time I hear him talking like that.

“Ladna, mne tozha vso ravno. No kogda ty raskazhes’ etamu svinyu chto vy byly lyubovniki? Ili ya dolzhen eto sdelat'?” (Fine, I also don’t care. But when you are going to tell that pig that you were lovers? Or should I do that?) Yurio started laughing I could hear that he is teasing Victor. I cover my mouth with palms. What. What I just heard? Fuck….

“Eto ne tvoja dela…” (It’s not your business.) Victor answered but his voice was lost and silent. Shit.

I started running. Running with ice skates still on my feet, I quickly ran into the dressing room, put my shoes on, grabbed my wallet, phone and ran from here. I need to go somewhere. Somewhere far enough to think about what I heard just now. I ran to metro station and took a train which was going to the city center. At the same moment, I wrote a message for Victor:

_I am going to eat in the center. Go home. We will meet there._

After a few seconds when I send the message my phone started ringing, but I didn’t pick up. I was mad and hurt. So that’s how it is. We were lovers. That’s why he wanted to kiss me in the hospital, that’s the meaning of his sadness. For God sake, that’s why we are living in the same flat and have just one normal bed. Oh my, God, that’s the reason why I fell for him! He didn’t tell me, he would have never told me if I haven’t heard this talk today. After I lost my memory he decided to leave everything… why… why had I to push him away? How could he keep this kind of thing to himself? How could he do this to me? Why did he do this? Shit! I was so mad. At him, at myself. I didn’t have any memories of us. How long were we together? Was our relationship strong? How strong? What he was for me and what I was for him? Who are we now for each other? How much I forgot? I want to remember… I want to remember so badly…

When I understood what I am doing, I was already drinking in the bar, actually, I was pretty drunk already. Because I was asking for everyone around me why Victor didn’t tell me that we were lovers. Whyyyy… Maybe he thought that he is protecting me from something this way. Fuck this shit! I will go and ask him, I will kick his balls so hard and make him tell me everything. I think I have already drunk about ten shots of something really disgusting and before leaving I drank beer. For the luck.

“Hey, cutie… want to go somewhere..?” There was some really ugly man, who touched my hand. I flinched. How dare you. Let me go. Let. Me. Go. I punched him with my hand, really hard, right in the face.

“I will fuck Victor tonight,” I said watching him lying on the ground and ran from the bar. Idiot. I got a taxi and said to drive me home. When the driver asked where is my home I started laughing… yeah… I wish I knew. He wanted to kick me out because I couldn’t stop laughing, but in the end, I said the address. He wasn’t really happy, he took the money from me and didn’t give me change. Oh well. I think I was bumping into all walls on my way back home. And when I opened the door I found Victor standing in the hallway. He was all pale white, looking like he has seen a ghost. Jeez, so funny.

“Where the fuck have you been?! Do you have any idea how worried I was?!” He started shouting at me right away and I put palms on my face, making the view that I am really scared and surprised. Victor, you need a drink. “Have… you been drinking?” he stepped forward, I fell in his arms, wrapped my arms around his neck and giggled. He smells nice. I put my lips to his ear and slowly licked it. He also tastes good.

“Hey… Victor… will you sleep with me tonight? Will you fuck with me... like we used to do it... when we were lovers?” I said silently into his ear, hugging him even stronger, then biting a little bit of his chin. Really, Victor skin is tasting so good. I heard him sighing, his breathing got faster.

“No. I won’t.”


	24. Chapter 24. Yuuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “But… how about your happiness?” I silently I asked and when he shrugged, letting his eyes down I touched Victor’s face making him look at me again. Who will think about his happiness? “You were right… I don’t remember… but my heart does. I just can’t stop those feelings for you. I am not controlling it. I am in love with you… again.” After my words I could see how Victor’s eyes are getting wet, my cheeks were red. Will he cry from sadness or from happiness? I don’t remember anything about us, but maybe I will… later. I leaned forward and touched his forehead with mine. “Let me love you…” I said this time using another word because after those cute words to say “fuck” would be a little bit strange, right? I wanted to kiss him, but Victor leaned back. What now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My darlings,
> 
> I don't want to sound mean... but I love this chapter so much. I think that it's my favorite chapter of all I have written until now. That's why I don't want to tell you any spoilers, just read yourself and decide <3 haha, and it's the first chapter without cliffhangers :D just for you <3 rest your heart for now <3
> 
> In the next chapter we will jump to 24th of September. Do you remember what will happen in this day? If don't, read the ending of chapter 19, where Yuuri talks with Yurio on the phone ^^
> 
> I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME YOUR LOVE IN COMMENTS <3
> 
> See you,  
> Vitavili <3

“No. I won’t.” Victor's voice was serious and cold, but somehow it sounded so funny for me. I touched his soft hair with my fingers, feeling how he strains his every muscle. It was hard for him to control, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t pull me away. Because actually, he wanted that (or it’s what I wanted to believe), just was too stubborn to admit it.

“Whyyyy?” I asked making the last letter really long. I couldn’t see Victor’s face, but I knew that his poker face is just incredible right now. How else can he control himself? After I said my question I let one of my hands down and grabbed the belt of his jeans, making Victor‘s lower part touch me. How long will you hold on?

“Because I am mad… and you are drunk.” He said silently and I couldn’t decide why. Or because he was really mad, or because I could feel that his dick in jeans is getting harder. Well, now I was sure that we were lovers. Maybe his mind can resist me, but not the body. By the way, isn’t he surprised that I remembered that we were lovers or maybe he knows that I heard how he is talking with Yurio? I slowly started releasing his belt with my hand. Victor hands until now didn’t hug me. Oh my, this man is strong.

“Whyyyyy?” I asked like a kid and with one quick move pulled the belt out, dropping it on the floor. Victor sighed again. Give up, you can’t win this game. You can’t because you actually want me so much. And I want to see it. I am really curious to feel you in my arms. What does it mean when Victor Nikiforov belong to you? I started sliding with my lips through his skin, searching for his lips, but Victor moved his head.

“You don’t have any idea what I am feeling, don’t you?” he started speaking and somehow I froze just an inch from his lips. What is he talking about? “You just left and didn’t pick up your phone… it’s so easy for you always do the same… you just like leaving me alone, going somewhere and making me go insane thinking about you. I hate… I hate when you do that.” His voice was a little bit trembling and suddenly I felt the same pain from him, the same I was feeling when I saw Victor dancing. So that’s the reason. What a dumbass. So what if I am going somewhere… I am an adult. He is not my mom or something. I mean, we are not even together, right? I stepped back that I could see Victor’s face and smiled.

“You were scared that somebody will kidnap me again?” I couldn’t hold myself, that’s why I started giggling. That’s so funny. I was still holding on Victor’s jeans with one hand and the other one was in his hair. Victor wasn’t saying anything, he was looking somewhere on the side, as holding something inside. I don’t understand you say? You were the one who decided not to tell me. Suddenly I again leaned forward and pressed my body against his. “Then show me how mad you are… Shoooow meee…” his ear was already wet from my licking, I almost could feel how chills are running down Victor’s spine. That’s good. You like my voice, don’t you? I started searching for jeans button with my fingers.

“I said no. You are drunk. Just go to sleep.” He said and finally moved his hand just to stop me. I sighed and stepped back, crossing arms against my chest. This man… is just such a pain! Why can he just give up? What bad is going to happen? I am the one who lost memories here, he should be happy. But for God sake, Victor looks like he is about to cry.

“Fine!” I almost shouted giving up. He can go and sleep by himself I have other things to do. For example finding out what is so important in that room where Victor always go when we are at home, I started going there. “Just go and sleep yourself, don’t tell me what to do. Don’t worry, it doesn’t matter that you don’t want to have sex with me, I will just masturbate later. Bye bye, Prince.” Now I was also mad and when Victor tried to say something and grab my hand I showed him a middle finger. I think it’s the first time I have ever done that, I could see this from Victor’s face which was full of astonishment. You are not the only one who can fuck here, alright? He tried to hold me, but I started running from him. That was almost funny to watch how he is calling my name and tries to catch me, but I was faster, maybe from adrenaline in my body.

“Yuuri, don’t!” but it was already too late, I opened the door and ran inside. I turned the light on. Alright. That’s nothing really very special. Just a small room full of books and with one couch in the middle of it. There was also a little table in front of the couch. What is special here? Victor stopped behind me. I started walking towards the table. There was a mountain of some papers and a photo album. I took it into my hands. Victor was going behind me but didn’t stop me from this move, once I opened the album I had to sit on the couch. This album was full of our photos. I mean me and Victor.

Few seconds after, Victor sighed and sat next to me. My foolishness after drinking somewhere was gone. Maybe because of the surprise. In all photos, I looked… happy. More or less… even if in some of them I wasn’t smiling, my eyes were shining. In the beginning, there were some photos taken in Japan, later a lot of photos on the ice, I was really touched when I saw one photo with me hugging Victor we were both standing on the ice. Even in the photo, Victor had more confidence in his standing position than me. I was holding on him, hiding my face in his chest, but smiling. Ice skating… was always a big part of our relationship, right? I saw that we were traveling a lot with him, there were a lot of photos taken not just in Russia or Japan, but also in other countries such as United States, Spain, China, Australia, France, Germany… and couldn’t say all of them. Now my eyes were stuck on one photo, I was looking at it for about two minutes, then looked at my hand and again at the photo. It was taken in Spain, under the picture was written: _Barcelona, December 2016._

“What is this?” I asked showing the picture. In it I and Victor were sitting on the bench next to the huge fountain, I was smiling and showing something with my finger, Victor was holding an ice cream in his hand looking at me. From the first sight, it was a simple photo but then I saw something on our fingers. Gold and round. My heart started beating like crazy. It can't be true. “We were married?” I asked not holding my gasp. Oh no… that's a lie, right?

“No… it was just a pair of rings… your gift for me.” it was the first words Victor said from that moment when we entered the room. He was just watching me looking at the photos, like waiting that I will start screaming and run away. But actually, I was a little bit mad… that he hasn’t shown me them. I don’t know… maybe it won’t help me recover my memories, but I have right to see them, no?

“Where are they now?” After his answer, I sighed from relief. That’s good. To forget your boyfriend is a bad thing, but still not the worst. But if we were married… Thank you, God. We are not. From the other side… from the photos I can see that we are together for so long, so why we didn’t get married? Because we are men?

“I don’t know… I guess if I search for them somewhere in old boxes I could find.” He shrugged like it’s not important anymore. I guess at those times this thing was just some kind of fun for us, that’s why we ended up stop wearing the rings. Maybe our relationship got stronger later?

“So… why we didn’t get married?” I don’t know why even after all my guessing I still had to ask for this. Maybe I needed a true opinion about the rings. Why it’s so important, now? I can’t explain. I just wanted to know so much. I mean Victor is finally talking with me about serious things. About us. Us. This word sounded really strange but good at the same time.

“Well… I think it was just a start of our relationship… for some time it was fun wearing those but… we were together and I think at the time it was enough. I don’t even remember now…” Victor was also looking at the photo now, like remembering this day. I wish I could remember… I want that so much, but how? So that’s what it is… he comes every day here and looks at these photos, hurting himself even more with memories of us that I don’t remember? I turned the page and froze for a second. What is this?

“Why… why I am in the wheelchair?” I asked couldn’t look away. In this photo we were outside at some park, I was sitting in the wheelchair and Victor was standing behind me, holding his arms on my shoulders. I could notice that my look has changed in this photo, Victor was a smiling sunshine, I was also smiling but my eyes… my eyes were sad. Really.

“Because… your leg was broken and you couldn’t walk.” Victor was patiently explaining things like a teacher. His voice wasn’t angry anymore, just sad. He was tired of remembering these things or maybe he was sad because it happened? Which one?

“Was it really bad?” I had to know this. It looks like it wasn’t just a temporary thing, I mean if it would have been a simple break, I wouldn’t be sitting in the wheelchair. Wait… I saw those scars on my knee… so that’s what it is. It was at this time, wasn’t it? _Sant Peterburg, January 2019._

“It was… but Simon helped you.” I opened my mouth and looked at Victor. Simon? I need to call him again and say thank you. Or maybe I already did it, if it happened in 2018 let’s say… then almost 3 years has passed. Since when I was able to walk again? I turned the next page but it was empty, the photo in Sant Peterburg was the last one. That’s strange…

“And… you were with me all that time?” I couldn’t turn my eyes away from Victor. Why is this photo the last? It seems that we loved taking photos together, making memories. So why there is no photo of me making my first steps? Or any photo from 2019, 2020 or even 2021? What happened? So we really did broke up before I lost my memories?

“No I wasn’t…” his answered hurt, but at least he was honest. I was just looking at Victor’s bright eyes, without words asking why. Why wasn't he with me when I needed him the most in my life? “But… it’s better not to remember that… I mean it’s already in the past. It was a hard time for both of us, but it’s over. That’s all that matters.” He tried to smile, but it was hard for him. Victor is hiding something and I had to know what, but somehow I got afraid that if I ask him now, he will finish our conversation. At last, we are talking not about ice skating or domestic stuff. I don’t want to end this.

“Will we get married if I win gold in this year’s Grand Prix final?” I asked with serious look putting the photo album on the table. It was a serious question and I could see how Victor’s eyes are getting bigger and bigger. If he thinks that I am proposing, let it be. But after a few seconds, he rolled his eyes.

“Yuuri, you are drunk… Let’s just go to-“

“WILL YOU MARRY ME IF I WIN THAT FUCKING GOLD?!” I suddenly shouted jumping on my feet. Don’t change the fucking subject. Maybe I am drunk, but I am not stupid. I stood in front of Victor. I will not let him move until he says the answer I want to hear. Now he looked like I have punched him in the face. I was waiting. I can wait all night.

“I will.” He finally answered and I suddenly relaxed, giving him a smile. Wasn’t so hard, right? Alright, now I must win that Gold. Somehow.

“I won’t forget that,” I said, but from Victor’s eyes, I saw that he doesn’t believe me. Maybe I always forget everything after drinking or what? Why he just doesn’t give up? I should tell him the truth why I didn’t wait for him in ice center. “Today I heard you and Yurio talking in the bathroom…” I was right, Victor already knew that it was clear from his face. “Why… why you didn’t tell me the truth?” that’s the most important question I was asking myself and everyone around in the bar. He has to tell me the truth.

“Because I didn’t want to do the pressure for you. I didn’t want you to be with me just because you had to or because you knew that we are together. I wanted you to choose yourself… to feel it again. Because somewhere in my heart I wanted to believe that your feelings are still the same for me. For me… the most important thing was and will always be your happiness.” This time Victor was looking right into my eyes, with that sadness and pain of his. He was telling the truth, he really cares about me, he still loves me so much. That’s why he was in so much pain. I was wrong. I am not the one who loves without an answer. It’s Victor.

“But… how about your happiness?” I silently I asked and when he shrugged, letting his eyes down I touched Victor’s face making him look at me again. Who will think about his happiness? “You were right… I don’t remember… but my heart does. I just can’t stop those feelings for you. I am not controlling it. I am in love with you… again.” After my words I could see how Victor’s eyes are getting wet, my cheeks were red. Will he cry from sadness or from happiness? I don’t remember anything about us, but maybe I will… later. I leaned forward and touched his forehead with mine. “Let me love you…” I said this time using another word because after those cute words to say “fuck” would be a little bit strange, right? I wanted to kiss him, but Victor leaned back. What now?

“You said what?” he was looking so surprised, but I couldn’t understand why. What did I say wrong? Let’s just kiss and I will love you. “You want to be on top?” even his voice changed, like I was making some sort of a joke.

“What’s wrong? I mean, I am sure that I was always on top, no?” I knit my eyebrows. What the hell? Don’t tell me I was the bottom? I can’t be the bottom. I mean, I am a man! Well, he was also a man… but still… is it such a big deal. So? After Victor started giggling, actually almost laughing I did the poker face.

“You were? Alright. Show me.” Victor crossed his hands over his chest and raised his eyebrows like giving me a challenge, somehow after that I got lost, but tried not to show this. Is it so hard to be on top?

“Fine.” I leaned forward and finally kissed him, this time for real. It was our first kiss (well for me). I could feel how his tongue is touching all those little scars on my lips, how later he explores my mouth, licking every scratch in it. I suddenly moaned from the pain and pleasure at the same time. Ups. What’s with that sound? Did Victor start giggling? What is it? It’s just he is really good kisser… and it still hurts a little bit. Fuck this shit.

I suddenly grabbed his shirt and started kissing him stronger, harder… I am getting dizzy from this feeling. His tongue is everywhere… it’s hard to breathe but I want it more. I want it everywhere in my body. I pulled Victor on me and we both fell on the floor. I quickly rolled with him. I am on top. Victor let me between his legs and I started searching for his shirt buttons, trying to remove this clothing from him as quickly as I could. Victor lifted my t-shirt I and let him go for a second that I could take it off, then got back to kissing. I really starting loving his lips. I bet, we were always kissing in the past? I need to touch this body… he was teasing me with this all this time, walking around naked, now I need to feel it. All my body started shivering when I touched those perfect abs of his… God Bless this man’s body. I unbutton his jeans and pulled them down together with boxers. Oh, my god, that’s so big… I couldn’t see it, but I touched his cock with my hand.

“I hope you won’t try to put it in without preparing me?” suddenly Victor asked when I stopped kissing him for a second to take a breath. What. I froze. He was breathing fast, but it was nothing compared to me. I was all trembling and my heart was beating so fast, that I could even hear it. How is he so calm? And what’s about preparing…? What does he mean by that? I opened my eyes widely, I couldn’t make myself to move… what do I suppose to do? In Victor's face, I saw the victory. His name was even made from this word. Shit… “Let me show you how it’s done.” He said suddenly grabbing me with his arms and rolled on me. I let the gasp out and started blushing… whaaaat…

Victor so quickly pulled down my pants leaving us both naked that I just blinked my eyes. It’s cold for my butt. I lifted my hips a little bit, pressing my lower body part to his. Victor smiled, this what he wanted… he knew that everything will end up like this because I have never been on top, right?

“You were just learning letters and I have written the whole damn book, _shonen_.” He said those words, grabbing my throat with his hand so hard that I that had to grab on his wrists. That word in Japanese at the end… shit. Am I just a boy compared to him? Victor licked his two fingers of other the hand and before I even started guessing what he is going to do, he started putting them in my hole. OH MY GOD. I moaned so loud that I even couldn’t imagine that I can make a sound like this. “So who is fucking who here?” he said starting moving his fingers and I lifted my hips even more. More more more. It hurts, it feels good, I don’t understand. I couldn’t even answer to Victor because his fingers were still wrapped around my neck. “I asked WHO IS FUCKING YOU?!” He almost shouted at me, starting moving also his hips and now out cocks were rubbing against each other, mine was already wet from pre-cum, painfully pulsating. Oh, fuck… I will come soon. Don’t don’t stop. I groaned squeezing Victor’s wrist harder, leaving marks on it with my nails. “WHO???” he let my throat go, grabbed my chin so hard like he wanted to break it and started moving his fingers in my ass even faster than before.

“You… please…” I cried out loud not holding my tears because those feelings were driving me crazy. Oh, my god, those fingers is not enough I want more… I want so much more. “Please… please…”

“What do you want?!” his voice was sharp as a knife, Victor squeezed my chin even harder and I wrapped my leg around his waist. Oh, my… I will come… I will...

He stopped.

FUCK NO.

“WHAT DO YOU WANT?” He shouted leaning on me and biting my lip so hard that I moaned from the pain and felt the taste of blood in my mouth. Shit… shit… I… “WHAT. DO. YOU. WANT?” He repeated saying every word separately, making my whole body tremble, I moved my hips reaching to feel the pleasure. Just… a little bit more… But Victor let my chin go and stopped my body from moving. He was torturing me so hard. NO. NO. NO. I was shouting in my head and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

“FUCK ME! JUST FUCK ME ALREADY!” I screamed with all I had and Victor smiled like he just won a world's gold. Like he just proved that I was wrong. Well, there was some truth in it. He let me go and got up to his feet, leaving me lying all trembling on the edge of something big, just a step from pleasure. From everything, I needed so much right now.

“You see… the top is the top, you can’t change that. Now go to sleep, don’t worry, tomorrow you won’t remember any of this.” He shrugged and just simply walked out of the room, even leaving his clothes on the floor. He just said what? I covered my face with palms and started crying. That’s not fair… that’s just not how it should be. I know that Victor was hurt that I don’t remember our past, but he can’t do this to me… he just can’t leave me like that. He wanted me as much as I wanted him. So why? The hell why? Is it because he is afraid to love me and then next morning see that I forgot everything?

After a few minutes I started moving I kneeled and crawled towards the couch, somehow I got up on it and laid down putting my face on the pillow, still sobbing. My heart hurts so much. Victor’s heart also hurts… so why we can’t try healing it? I looked at the table… those papers I saw before on it… there is something written on them. I reached to take one. It was a letter. A letter… for me. What. I sat and took more of those papers, they were all letters, some of them longer, some of them really short… but still. All for me. When he wrote those? I looked at the dates. Among of all them, I found the oldest one. 2019, February 15. What is that? He was writing me letters almost 3 years. Why? There were so much of them, that it would take a week to read everything, so I just looked at some parts. I wasn’t with him all this time… I was the one who left? Oh jeez, I couldn’t believe what I was reading, what pain Victor was feeling. What the hell he was doing with himself when I wasn’t around? Where was I? From the letters, I saw that he didn’t know my location. I was missing. So it’s not just about this time when I was kidnapped, I was missing two and a half year and almost every day Victor was writing me letters which he has never sent because he didn’t know the address. If just a ten minutes ago I was crying because he hasn’t fucked me, so now my heart was ripping apart of what kind of monster I was… There was so much love in his letters, so much sorrow, and so much loneliness. I didn’t think that person can feel so much at the same time. And all this for me? Victor stopped writing letters every day after 15th of December in 2019, but still didn’t stop, just now his letters were much shorter written four or five times in a month. I was searching for the last letter. And found it. 17th of July in 2021. In that letter he was telling that he is leaving to London competition, Victor already sounded different than in the first letters… he was talking more about himself and almost nothing about loving me. Writing letters became something like a habit for him, but Victor became so cold…

Oh… this is not the last one. I suddenly saw other letters that I haven’t seen before because they were hidden under the book about skating. I took them to my hands. The first one was written on 5th of September 2021. It’s the day when I came back from the hospital, right? And the last one was written today… It wasn’t finished… I think Victor was writing it when he heard my steps in the corridor. Since it was not really long I started reading it:

_Dear Yuuri,_

_Every day starts the same. Before opening my eyes I can see your face, smiling, happy – the one I always wanted to see the most. But then I am forced to come back to reality. The truth is that I have to turn around and see the dark, where I always get lonely without you. I am asking myself how to hide that mask and say how much I need you? How lost I feel without you? When you hugged me today… I just wanted to say one word: “Stay.” Stay like this forever. Don’t let go. Hold me tight and we can hold forever._

_What can I do? I am again in the dark. I am in the dark every time when you leave me like that. The feeling that I can't get out from this darkness from the moment when you left… I am always living in fear that you will leave me again. What can I say to make you stay? What can I say to believe that when I wake up you will be right next to me? What I should say for you to understand… that every night I need you more than ever… I really need you now. I am falling apart… I am breaking down… without you, I am just nothing._

_You know what is the darkness - it's loving you. You know what is the torturing - it's loving you. You know what is happiness - it's lo-_

Suddenly after reading this something broke in my mind, I flinched when like a flash I started seeing things in my head. Seeing how I saw Victor skating for the first time, when he still had long hair, how I also became skater for this reason, how I met him, how he said that he will be my coach, how I just couldn't stop myself from falling in love – his smile, his voice his touches and kisses, our first kiss, our first time… me winning gold in Grand Prix and jumping into his hands. Me… breaking leg and turning my life into pieces. How I left Victor, how I met Simon, how much pain I felt to start walking again, to start skating… How I met Victor… how I came here… how… we promised that nobody will separate us now.

Oleg.

I dropped all letters from my hands covering my mouth with palms, looking with empty eyes just in front of me and seeing how he is torturing me, how I am vomiting and begging for mercy. How he almost kills me with the blade of my skate, and then… making me take in my mouth that thing… he punches me, hits me… how he starts cutting my leg. So dirty, so disgusting, so scared… Victor… Victor… he let me go. He said that I don’t have to fight anymore… he said that I was brave, that I can give up… I gave up…

“VICTOR!” I screamed so hard that my throat started hurting, I guess all the floor heard me. I jumped on my feet and ran from the room like I just set it on fire. Victor was standing in the living room all in shock.

“Yuuri? What…” But I didn’t let him finish, crying and sobbing, even choking I ran into his arms and hugged so hard that it hurt even for me. I started crying even louder, all trembling, suddenly feeling so dirty, so weak so broken. My cries were so loud that I really scared Victor, he suddenly hugged me put his lips on my ear trying to calm me down, but I couldn’t. I can’t. I am scared. All I wanted that time when Oleg was torturing me, is Victor to find me. I was begging for that all that time. And he did. He came… He came for me.

“Vi-ct-or… you y-ou sai-d tha-t… tha-t I can go… yo-u sai-d that… I do-n’t have t-o figh-t.” I was sobbing and crying so much that it was hard even for me to understand what I am saying. I don’t have any idea how Victor did.

“Shhh… love… shhh…” he was rubbing my back and hair, repeating this into my ear but this made me cry even more. “I would never let you go… I would never say that… because I am selfish and I really need you to be with me.” He kissed my hair and I nodded into his wet chest. He would never let me go… he would never let me give up. Because he needs me, because he can’t live without me.

“I fe-el so dir-ty… so… he h-e wan-ted t-o kil-l me… h-e wa-s mak-ing f-un o-f me…” I pressed my face to his chest even more but suddenly Victor grabbed my face into his palms and made me look at him.

“You remembered?” he asked looking at me with his big eyes. My lower lip was trembling. It was hurting so much… I nodded. “Everything?” When I nodded the second time, Victor again pressed me to his chest and I took a deep breath of his smell. My body was still trembling, but I think I have cried everything I had, so now I was just sobbing. He hugged me so hard and I heard how his heart starts beating even faster than mine. He is… happy. For a second I could really feel that. “Let me clean you from those bad memories… you don’t need them. You need just me.” He got serious and moved my head so he could kiss me again.

This kiss was so different from the one in that room before. Somehow I was able to feel in it so much more. How much I was missed. I wrapped my arms around Victor’s neck and gave all he wanted, letting him pull me out from that pain I was feeling. I don’t remember how we got to the bedroom… half walking, half of the way bumping into the walls. I fell on my back, happy that it’s not the hard floor like before. Our bed was soft and warm. I moved my lips from Victor’s and rolled on my stomach, wanting him so much… but when he started putting his cock in I froze and gasped from the pain.

“Fuck… Yuuri… you are so tight… I can’t put in… relax…” he leaned on me and touched my back with his chest. But I couldn’t relax, I was still trembling. It’s like when Oleg… wanted to put… oh jeez, I burst into tears again I already thought that I can’t cry anymore. Victor took my in his arms and turned me on my back, I covered my face with palms. Somehow I was without my glasses, I guess I left them in that room before.

“I c-an’t… I can’t….” I sobbed, but Victor made me move my hands from the face and I looked at him, trying to hold the sounds from inside. His eyes were so beautiful… he was looking at me with so much love. I was looking at his face and felt how my body is relaxing, he was still looking right into my eyes, with one hand lifted my hips and with one move fully entered me. That took my breath away, I let the sound out and grabbed Victor’s waist. Jeez…

“Look how much you want me… look how much your body loves me… squeezing me so hard inside you…” Victor started kissing tears on my cheeks, collecting all of them making the pain go away. When he first moved I pressed my hands harder on his waist, then fully hugged with my arms. Clean me… make that pain go away… make me yours again…  
  
I started moaning even louder when Victor touched my cock and just with a few moves of his hands made me finally come. I let that painful scream from inside wrapping my legs around him and pressing harder, making him go inside me as deep as he could.

“Yuuri… jeez.” He couldn’t hold on the strength I used to press him against me. Victor let the sound out, it was much more beautiful than a simple moan. He was feeling so much, so strong. Finally letting everything into me. That’s wonderful. To feel so full again. I am safe. We are together. He just killed me. Killed with his love. I kissed Victor hard and he smiled giving me a response I was waiting so much all this time.

Next morning I woke up with hurting head and ass. I rolled on my back and covered face from the bright sun. What time is now? I want to sleep more.

“Yuuri?” I heard a voice next to me and I moved my hands from the face. It was Victor. His face was above me, looking at me so worried, almost scared. How long is he waiting for me to wake up? “Do… you remember?”

I haven’t answered anything, just wrapped my arms around his neck making him lean on me. I wish I could wake up every morning like this. I gave him a smile and Victor’s lip started trembling. He pressed his head on my shoulder and I let him give all his pure feelings to me.


	25. Chapter 25. Yuuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Let’s just stay home today… let’s just… stay together… you have to give me so much love, that it would be enough for three days.” I say at the same time blushing so hard, that even Victor’s hand started warming up. I don’t know why I am still sometimes embarrassed to say that kind of things to him. I mean Victor saw all the sides of me, he touched those parts of my body that I even didn’t know that exists before, he got so deep in my heart that I don’t think he will ever find the way out. And despite this, I am burning in this red color, even my eyes are shining too much.
> 
> “You mean like cuddling and stuff?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good evening!
> 
> It's snowing all day in Vilnius (it's the name of my city) today! It's so beautiful, I just love snow <3  
> Anyway, about the chapter I wanted to write more, but in the end, I decided to give you a chapter just about Victor and Yuuri loving each other, I hope that from this you will see that their relationship has changed into the better side <3  
> Also, I wanted you to have enough of Victor now because he won't have any big role in the next two chapters ^^ Hahaha, please no panic!  
> By the way, cuddling and touching without sex, did I succeed? ^-^
> 
> For those who have missed Yurio and wanted to know more about his grandfather, the next chapter will be for you <3
> 
> Also, I want to say you something that I said today for one reader. So why I am answering to all messages?  
> For me replying to messages is a really important in this work. Because then I can feel closer to all of you and that gives me a huge motivation to continue my work <3 I don't know how many people is reading this, but every of them is something special, like a gift. I mean your attention to me is the only and the most important pay that I get for writing this <3 That means so much for me <3 I reply to every message, doesn't matter how small it is, because I just want readers to see how much I need them to finish this story ^^ <3
> 
>  
> 
> Take care,  
> Vitavili <3

**2021, September 23.**

“Welcome back!!” I shouted from the kitchen when I heard how Victor (who else?) opens the door and Makkachin who was with me ran to meet him. I was preparing something to eat when I say something I literally mean that I didn't know what I am doing. I hoped that it will be eatable. I was really hungry but didn’t want to go anywhere without my Prince (I made up this name when I was without my memories, but somehow now I was using it in my head often.) I was looking at the pan, thinking if those eggs I was baking should be more yellow, when cold hands hugged me from behind. I flinched, but not because of surprise. I knew that it can be just Victor, but his body and hands were so cold. This autumn in Moscow was getting colder and colder and I was afraid that it will start snowing in the middle of October. I don’t want winter to come so fast…

“Not talking with me?” I asked, turning off the stove. Victor pressed his lips next to my ear but haven’t said anything yet. That’s strange, usually, he always screams my name already from the hallway. What’s wrong? I turned around and looked at his face, I don’t need any words from him to understand that something is wrong. “What… is it? Don’t tell me that results are bad?” I asked putting my palms on his face, looking how Victor’s bright eyes are shining but this time not from happiness, he nodded and I hold my breath. No… No… I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my body against his. Victor was like a big baby… he was selfish, wanted me just for himself and always was asking for attention, but this time is not about that.

“They want to do some more research to find the real reason what is wrong.” He finally spoke after a few minutes and I nodded, that’s okay… even if he has to lay in the hospital I will visit him every day, that’s not so bad. I mean research is a good thing, right? It shouldn’t take long. “In Switzerland.” He said what?? I suddenly moved my head to look at his eyes. Where the hell they want to send him??? “It’s just for three days… but still… Of course, I wanted to say no, but they already bought tickets and said that it can’t wait. I am leaving tomorrow.” Victor decided to tell everything without stopping but it didn’t hurt less. No. No, I don’t want him to leave. Even it’s just for a few days, even it’s just for a few hours. I don’t want him to leave so far away without me. Now I am being selfish, right?

“Why… why so far?” I asked and couldn’t hold my voice from trembling. Don’t get me wrong… When Victor told me yesterday that he is going next morning to the hospital to do his regular heart checking procedure, I was okay with that. We both knew that he has problems with it, so it’s really important not to miss the visit. But I was optimistic, I mean how could I think in a bad way? I was sure that he will come back smiling and saying that everything is okay, like always. But it seems that my childish hope that love can heal heart didn’t work this time.

“They said that there is some good specialist there… It’s just a three days, we will talk every day and I will bring my tablet with me so we can talk on Skype. I will come back before going to Rome, so we can go together. Is that alright? Yuuri?” he was talking and rubbing my back, I tried to nod, but in the end I turned around and went back to cooking, wiping tears from my eyes with one hand. Victor was standing behind me for a few minutes more then gave up. “I will go pack my things…” he sighed and left me alone. I was looking at that eggs in the pan and bit my lip. Now he thinks that I don’t want him to go because I am selfish, but to be honest… I was afraid. I was afraid that they will find something bad… I was so afraid of more bad things in our life. Didn’t we suffer enough? It’s like one bad dream… and I just can’t wake up from it.  
  
I put fried eggs on the plate and started eating, but they didn’t have any taste. I don’t know why… or they were really bad cooked or because my nose was full of snot. In the end, I threw everything to trash and then went to the living room, where Makkachin was eating a big bone. I sat on the couch and turned TV on, pretended that I am watching some shitty movie, actually I couldn’t see anything.

You know how it feels to get back your memories, every of them at the same time? It feels like your head will explode from information. From that day when I got them back, I don’t remember how many times Victor picked me up crying in the corner of the room, how many times he was hugging and comforting me when I have been waking up from horrible nightmares about Oleg torturing me. Victor never even once told me to stop sobbing or stop being so childish, he was so patient, always healing me with his arms and kisses. He let me speak and I told him everything that I was feeling, he let me cry how much I wanted and use him as my pillow. He promised that everything will go away, that he will heal every inch of my body… Victor was everything for my soul, he was the only reason why I wanted to show my emotions because I knew – he will always be next to me. Victor gave me a lot of baths of love, patient, and feelings. I could have never wanted something more.

What did I do for Victor? I found the darkness in his soul, the darkness that has been formatting all these years when I wasn’t with him. That darkness was coming out when he was feeling the danger of getting hurt again. Usually, it was some really scary wish of control me. Some actions to make me stay with him, as I could escape… like he wanted to scare me. But the thing is that no matter what he was doing I didn’t care. I would never run from him. Not after everything that happened to us. In such short period of time, we went through so many things, that I was feeling sometimes so much older than before. I was the one who created the darkness in Victor soul and I was the only one who could heal it. How? Actually, it was simple. One time, when I felt that he starts to take that freaky control again, I just told him that it’s alright. I love him, it’s alright… He can do this if he wants, I am his… he doesn't have to be afraid. Yes, the fear… that’s what it’s about. He was feeling so much fear that I will leave him again, he was afraid that I will play with his heart. But that’s not true. I loved his heart more than anything in this world. So I just had to calm him down, saying those cute words and showing my fully devotion. That was all he needed, to forget the pain. I was his cure. Always. But this time I can’t help him… and that’s why I was so sad. My love is not enough for him. All Victor’s inside demons belonged to me… but not this time. Here I was helpless. That’s what hurt me the most. I wasn’t mad at him, I was mad at myself.

Our relationship was stronger than ever before. And now it wasn’t just about sex or kissing, it was so much more. Just from his face, I could understand what he needs. I also knew that now he needs my support, but I just couldn’t smile and say that everything will be alright because it wasn’t like that. I was able little by little cleaning the darkness inside his soul, but I was powerless against such a simple thing as his health. I was the one who always gets hurt… and I never thought, even once that something might happen to Victor. He was a hero for me, he was my savior… but… in the end, he was a human. Just a human.

“I called for Alexey and Ana, they will come to be with you while I will be in Switzerland.” Victor entered the living room and started going towards me. My eyes were watching some commercial on TV but my mind was lost somewhere in memories about me and Victor promising to each other that we will be together, that we will never be apart. That’s why at first I didn’t understand what he is saying.

“Okay…” I answered with no emotions in my voice, then suddenly stretched my back and turned my head to Victor with eyes opened widely. “Wait! You said what?? I don’t need babysitters!” what the hell was that? It’s not that I didn’t want to see them (well, about Ana I wasn’t so sure), but they are even younger than me! I think in the end I will have to take care of them. Maybe that’s why Victor called them? He wants me to be busy and not to think about him?

“You say so? Then why you are acting like a baby?” he raised his eyebrow and I throw a pillow at him, Victor caught it pretty easily. I am not a baby here! He doesn’t understand at all. Victor sighed and hugged the pillow pressing it against his chest. “By the way, it’s just nine days until the competition, you need to practice, Alexey and Ana can help you with that. Maybe they are not ice skaters, but you saw yourself how devoted they are to dancing.” That’s true. I loved my program but in the free program, it was still something missing. Something really important. Until now I couldn’t find it. I don’t think that Alexey and Ana can help me, but Victor was right they are living for dancing, maybe hearing new opinions will help me.

“I am not a baby…” I silently said watching straight into Victor’s eyes for a few minutes. He won this. He always wins. I turned back to the “watching” television. Let it be. Hahaha, if Ana tries to sleep with me again Victor will go insane. Haven't he thought of that? I think he won’t heal his heart this way. Hahaha. Shit, it’s not funny. That woman can be scary sometimes. To be honest I haven’t talked to them since the day they left, but still… without Victor, I won’t have enough energy to be happy. I thought that he will go back to the bedroom, but Prince came to me and sat on the couch.

“Talk to me.” He said, grabbing from me the TV remote and after that turning off the television. Now I was looking at the black screen. The first rule we made even without saying it to each other was to talk. We had to talk what we are feeling because without this we will start drowning in the dark again. I knew that it’s just with this news Victor almost killed me, that’s why I was acting like this. It was too fast, too much. He knows the best how much I need him, right? I slowly turned my head to Victor and looked in his eyes. This color of his will always make me feel so weak? I leaned forward and hugged him, he did the same, our hands met in halfway. I strongly wrapped my arms around him and pressed face against his shoulder.

“I am sorry…” this is the most important I had to say now. Really I wasn’t acting like I should have in this situation. “You just got me with this so fast… that… I got so scared… I am just so afraid that something can happen to you. I am sorry… I know that you must go. I want you to go and do everything to get better. I will be waiting… you know that I am supporting you in everything… I know that before I sounded selfish, but actually, I was just scared…” Victor let me speak everything I wanted, not saying anything but he was moving his fingers, touching my back and it felt so good. He was showing me this way that he hears what I am saying. After I stopped talking Victor sighed and gave me a kiss on my cheek. I was forgiven. That’s everything. The strongest part of our relationship. Forgiveness.

“Yuuri, is not like I am dying here.” Victor moved a little bit and took my hand into his. I pressed Victor's fingers harder and looked at him. Yeah… I overreacted this. “In the end, they will just give me more vitamins or something like that… it’s nothing to worry about. The hardest part that we will have to spend those few days without touching each other.” With another hand, Victor touched my face and I pressed my cheek against his palm harder. I will believe him, it’s the only thing I can do. His hand is so cold, but even just with this, he can heat my body to break point. I smiled at him and nodded. Everything is alright, we will make through this somehow.

“Let’s just stay home today… let’s just… stay together… you have to give me so much love, that it would be enough for three days.” I say at the same time blushing so hard, that even Victor’s hand started warming up. I don’t know why I am still sometimes embarrassed to say that kind of things to him. I mean Victor saw all the sides of me, he touched those parts of my body that I even didn’t know that exists before, he got so deep in my heart that I don’t think he will ever find the way out. And despite this, I am burning in this red color, even my eyes are shining too much.

“You mean like cuddling and stuff?” he asked and I rolled my eyes. It’s not a stuff it’s so much more. He will give me those pure emotions and feels that only Victor has and I will be able to survive those few days.  
“What about your training?” when he asked I almost groaned. Can I do one-day break? This is more important than ice skating now! It doesn’t matter how much I try, in the end, my way of dancing sucks. Gold? Hahaha, I wish I could just make to the next competition. This is really my last season. I am getting too old for this.

“You will be my ice today,” I said and leaned forward to kiss Victor, of course, he gave up. He wanted me as much as I wanted him, maybe even more. Victor was the one who could do everything for life and love – these words was his two favorites. He also needs to take from me everything. As soon as our lips touched each other he leaned on the couch with his back and I pressed my body against his. Victor is so strong… he is too strong and too young to be broken. “Let me listen to it…” I asked moving my lips away, he closed eyes that way giving me permission do this. (Like I wouldn’t do it without it.)

I lifted dark blue sweater he was wearing and Victor raised his back helping me to take it off. As soon as sweater was on the floor I pressed my ear against my lover’s chest. On that spot where the heart was beating. After wrapping hands around his waist, I started listening. Bump. Bump. Bump. Bump. Bump. It was beating rhythmically and strong. That’s what I wanted to hear. This heart is beating for me and it must never stop doing it. For more than ten minutes we were lying in silence, just feeling. It was like a music for me, the most beautiful I could ever hear and Victor’s fingers playing with my hair were making me sleepy. I could be like this forever and ever. I raised my head a little bit and kissed his heart. My heart. Because Victor belongs to me. Maybe I am the one who wants him just for myself? I put my chin on his chest and looked at my beloved blue eyes, he was watching me with a smile. I touched Victor’s neck with a top of my nose, then rubbed my head, he started giggling and hugged me tight.

“You are like a kitty when you do that.” He said rolling on me and we changed sides, now I was at the bottom. That’s better because if I am lying on Victor after some time my back starts hurting, I loved to feel the bed under me. I still can’t believe that I wanted to be on top… Jeez, what I was thinking or maybe I should say drinking? I wrapped my legs around Victor’s waist.

“Yurio is a kitty, I am not.” I grabbed his face with my palms and started reaching Victor’s lips with mine, but when he began to laugh I stopped doing unhappy face. I know why he was laughing and it’s not funny. After I understood what I did, I was afraid to even look at Yurio. “Stop, Victor. It’s not funny…” I tried to close his mouth with my palm, but he couldn’t stop, almost started crying from it. Hahaha.

“I just still can’t believe it… _If you call me pig ever again, I will punch you in the face_.” He just so perfectly repeated my voice that I almost opened my mouth from astonishment. But it’s still not funny at all! I grabbed Yurio’s shirt and hit his body against the car! Jeez, I am so lucky that he hasn’t beaten my ass again. “You were sooo serious… I mean… I thought that I will die from laugh…” when Victor saw that I am not smiling at all just lying with a poker face, he tried to get serious. “Sorry sorry… you are just adorable.” He started kissing my face: forehead, nose, eyes, cheeks, chin, and ears, then I caught his lips. Adorable he says? I want to be everything for him. Victor moved his lips from mine and again kissed my nose. I mean, I tried to be serious, but just a few minutes after I was already lying with that dumb and totally in love smile. Melting from his love.

I didn’t stop Victor from loving me, I even took my glasses off, letting him get what he wants, letting his feelings inside me. At the time I started touching his body just with my fingertips, not just feeling every curve of his back and front, but also tickling him that way. Even from the kisses, I could feel that Victor is smiling. My fingers were running around his naked torso and arms. His arms were so strong, I could feel it just by touching… his skin is so soft, I couldn't hold myself from putting my hands on his shoulders and pressing them a little bit. Victor sighed and stopped kissing me, I knew what he wants, Victor also showed me that by pressing his head to my shoulder and relaxing. Of course… I started doing massage very gently just pressing my fingers a little bit, warming his skin between them, then slid down Victor’s back and heard how he starts purring from the pleasure.

“Who is a kitty now?” I asked hugging him tightly and closed my eyes. Really... I am saying... We could just stay like this for the rest of our lives.

All day we were literally doing nothing, just rolling back and forward on the couch, laughing about some really strange and silly things and slowly kissing. But you know, every person needs to eat at some point. We were both feeling too lazy to go and cook something, so Victor made me call to the restaurant and order to bring us food. I was blushing trying to talk in Russian explaining what I want and Victor was dying from laugh. He did that on purpose. Of course. But after everything, I was proud of myself that they brought everything I asked. I was the one who went to the door and paid because Victor was without his shirt and I didn’t want anyone to see him like that.

“I am getting the salad with fried chicken. It’s because you made me talk in Russian.” I said entering the room and seeing that my place was changed by Makkachin. Our poodle was lying on Victor now and my lover was rubbing his ears with a big smile on his face. Okay, Yuuri, you can't be jealous of your dog, right? That would be funny. After all, Makkachin will be the only one who can be with me (and remind of my Prince) while Victor is in Switzerland.

“It’s not faaaair!” He looked at me and Makkachin jumped on the floor, started running towards me. Of course, he smelled the food. I don’t understand how it’s possible to be always hungry? He just ate a huge bone and before all his food.

“Nooo… it’s not for you.” I said avoiding Makkachin, because otherwise, he would have jumped on me. He had enough strength, to press me against the floor. I sat next to Victor and he grabbed the bag from me, taking out the salads with chicken. MINE! “Givveeee them back,” I said reaching the box with my hands, but he shook head with a smile. Jeez, alright I will just eat something else. I looked at the bag wanting to take out rice, but then I saw Victor holding a fork in front of my mouth.

“Seriously?” I asked opening my mouth and taking in a piece of fried chicken.

“Or maybe you want to try it from my mouth?” Victor put another bit to his mouth and leaned forward to me. My heart started beating faster… it’s… so sexy. All blushed I also leaned forward and pressed my lips to his, opening my mouth and slowly putting tongue inside Victor’s mouth, taking that piece of chicken by wrapping my tongue around it. I think it’s one of the sexiest things I have ever done. When I slowly stretched my back, Victor was looking at me with big eyes…. No NO! But it was already too late he jumped on me throwing the box with salad on the table and I was pressed against the couch with his body.

In the end, we haven’t even opened that box with the rice and salad with the chicken was eaten by Makkachin.

**2021, September 24.**

“Yuuri!!! I will miss you!! Yuuuuriii!!” this was happening for more than 10 minutes. Victor was holding me in his arms (more like squeezing) just in front of the gates. Also, he pretended that he is sobbing and crying so hard, that every person turned around to watch at us. I was standing still, red like a tomato. “Teeeelll you will missss meeeeeee.” He shouted so loud that even I flinched.

“I already told you this hundred times.” I sighed rubbing his back. And how can I let him go, when he is acting like a baby?

“Saaaaayyyy one more timeeee” he said with that super sweet voice of his and I rolled my eyes. No, really? I don’t want him to go, but if he continues acting like that, I will have to kick him through those gates. Because he had just 10 minutes to reach the plane.

“I will miss you. I already miss you.” When he started almost shake me, I gave up. Victor suddenly let me go and looked at my eyes. The second sentence I said for the first time today. “So you better go now and return as soon as you can.” I tried to smile, but there was something in my throat. I really don’t want him to go. My lover waited a few seconds more than touched my forehead with his. “And of course, if you won’t go now, the gates will close.” I also added, ruining the perfect goodbye moment, but it was the truth. Victor wasn’t listening.

“Yuuri…” he said my name, and I couldn’t breathe anymore, now I was the one who jumped on him, wrapping my arms around his neck and giving a kiss on his ear. His voice will stick in my head until Monday. “If I won’t get a message from you more than three hours and I will come back. And don't do anything crazy. Also, don’t forget to turn your skype on, I want to have skype sex.” I suddenly jumped back when he said this. All airport just heard that we will have sex on skype! Jeez.

“Go go go go go!” I started pushing him towards the gates. “Don’t forget to give greetings for Chris!” shouted when he was already giving his ticket to the man next to the scanner. Victor looked at me with puppy face last time and after a few minutes, I couldn’t see him anymore because he went through the metal detector.

It’s over. He left. Now I have to live somehow these days without his touch. Is that possible? I looked at the clock, I still had one hour until Alexey’s and Ana’s plane lands. The digital calendar above big clock was showing the date: 24th of September, 2021. What is special about this day... I really remember that something is going on. Right! The first competition for Grand Prix! No.. not just this. Something more… Yurio. I haven’t seen Yurio for so long. Is everything alright? He decided not to participate in this year’s Grand Prix because of this… it must be really serious. I know that Victor asked not to do anything crazy… but I had to do this. I just had a feeling that I have to do this. I took my phone out and searched for the number.

“Yuuri! What a surprise! How are you doing?” I heard happy Simon’s voice and couldn’t hold myself from a smile. It’s actually really early morning in London.

“Heey, I am fine… listen, sorry for disturbing you so early…” I said, just because I wanted to be polite, but I knew that Simon at this time was already working. I have never seen a person who works so much like he.

“No no, it’s fine, how can I help you?” just from my voice he understood that I will ask for something. That’s right… I hope I am doing a right thing.

“I know that you have a lot of contacts... so I thought maybe… it’s possible to find a hospital where one person is lying?” I asked not sure if I said clear enough what I wanted. I also didn’t want him to ask why I need this. Thanks, God, Simon wasn’t a person who asks a lot without reason.

“Sure, I will do my best! Tell the person’s name.”

“Nikolai Plisetsky.”

 


	26. Chapter 26. Yuuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I saw Yurio right away, he was the only one blond here. An adult man, but now looking like a child, maybe because he was so skinny or maybe because he was sitting with his head let down, holding on his hair, totally broke. Oh jeez, I hope I am not too late… I hope that his grandfather is still in operation and he is just worried. Slowly I started walking towards the bench he was sitting on. Without any words, I sat next to him and Yurio raised his head. His eyes were red and tired, I couldn’t stop myself from that sad feeling inside me. I was sorry for him. Yurio watched at me for a few seconds without any emotions and then suddenly he became surprised, almost angry.
> 
> “What are you doing here, pig?? Came to laugh?” He started with that normal angry voice of his, but in the end, it suddenly cracked and got silent. I didn’t answer his questions. Does he really think that I can be that kind of person who laughs at other’s pain?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My kitties,
> 
> Don't give up.
> 
> This is all I can say about this chapter. Too many feels. TToTT
> 
> Another thing... deadlines are about to kill me in uni (two essays in Spanish, one presentation, and two exams must be done until Christmas holiday) so... I must do what I can to stay alive. You know what I am going to say, right? Next chapter will come on Sunday I guess. I hope. I will try my best. Like always :) <3
> 
> I love you all so much,  
> I will come here to answer your comments if you leave some <3
> 
> Kisses, hugs and everything else <3  
> Vitavili
> 
> P.S. EPISODE 11 KILLED ME. I AM DEAD. BYE.
> 
> edit: after this chapter 3 people have canceled bookmarks for my story right away :D that's so funny, it was just too hard for them I guess. People leaves this sad story. I understand. ;;;;

“Yuuri!” I heard girl’s voice even before seeing who is shouting, she was running like a hurricane, like an unstoppable tornado, but moving among the people, somehow founding the way to get through that huge crowd even without touching others. Even now she was dancing. As soon as I saw silver hair, my eyes already were full of tears. Jeez, it’s just an hour since he left.

“Ana!” I tried to smile when she escaped from people around and found a way to me. I didn’t have a chance to do anything more because just after a few seconds she was already hanging on me. I wrapped my arms around her waist instinctively. She really likes hugging, right? “Where is your brother?” I asked after a few moments, because she was not even moving, just holding me. I don’t need silence right know… I don’t need…

  
“Everything will be fine. Victor is really strong. He doesn't have any reason to give up.” Ana said it quietly and that were words that I didn’t want to hear. It hurts so much, it’s impossible not to think about it, but when someone starts speaking about that, becomes even worse. I just nodded, because the pain was too strong and I couldn’t speak. I know that Ana just wanted to comfort me. But the only thing that could help me is to get Victor back.

“Why you are making him cry just after a few seconds?” that voice made me lift my eyes and I don’t know if it was more blessing or torturing. I just forgot how Alexey is similar to Victor by his looks. Ana finally let me go, but I was watching just at that silver-haired boy with such beautiful blue eyes. “Ana, you are the pain in the ass. Really. Take your bag.” Alexey threw a pink bag at his sister and she showed a tongue to him. I just couldn’t hold myself, now I was the one who gave a hug. Alexey was lower than me, so I hugged him and pressed to my chest. I was wrong… not Makkachin, but Alexey will be the one who won’t let me stop thinking about Victor. It will be torture. The boy didn’t say anything, but when I let him go, Alexey smiled to me.

“Yuuri, smile! We will have a wonderful time, you won’t even notice how three days will pass!” Ana took my hand and I nodded sighing at the same time. I don’t know what she means by wonderful time, but definitely something different than I was thinking. I think if she would have a choice we would be cuddling all day. Oh my, I haven’t really thought what it’s waiting for me.

“Victor told us, to keep you on the ice all the day, but to be honest I would like to go home at first and eat something… is that okay?” Alexey said when we started going to the exit. Ana was still holding my hand. Victor really said that? Well sounded like him, I mean how else they could keep me busy? Actually, the idea to send them home was just perfect.

“Suuure. Why don’t you two go to our place, eat something, take Makkachin for a walk and have a good rest? And let’s meet in the ice center! I will give you the keys from our place.” I said almost too excited, Ana and Alexey looked at me at the same time. The power of those bright eyes was almost going through me, but I froze and pretended that everything is alright. Look calm, Yuuri.

“Hmmm… I am not sure, he told us not to let you go anywhere alone…” Ana’s tone was a little bit suspicious and I started laughing. Jeez Christ, Prince can be so funny sometimes. I can’t tell Ana and Alexey where I am going, not just because they didn’t know anything about Yurio, but also because they could say this to Victor. I had to promise my lover that I won’t try to contact Yurio. He thought that I must avoid any bad things from my past. I think that’s what he had in mind with the word “crazy”. I mean, Victor also knew about Yurio's grandfather, but I hoped that because of his troubles he forgot about it.

“No need to worry, your cousin can be overprotected sometimes. If he calls just tell him, that I am in the toilet or something like that! Really… I mean I am going to the ice center what bad could happen. I don’t want to miss any time that I could spend practicing... hahaha, I mean, my first competition is really soon…” When I started speaking they didn’t believe me, but I think I won their trust with my last words. I saw this from Ana’s eyes, she was really naïve, I wouldn’t be able to trick Victor with this thing. That’s why I was a little bit afraid to look at Alexey’s eyes because he would have seen through me, or that‘s what I though. He didn’t say anything, just sighed. That’s true, he knows that I am lying. I gave them keys from the flat and when the taxi turned around the corner I also stopped one for myself.

Alright, that was pretty easy… I thought that I will have to lie for an hour or create some story why I need to go somewhere alone. Let’s just hope that Alexey won’t write a message to Victor saying that I went somewhere. I must move fast, because if they come to ice center and won’t find me, I will be in trouble. I got a message from Simon with the hospital address, so I told the driver where to go. When he stopped in front of the building, I was so in a hurry that almost forgot to pay. Simon even found out at what hour they are planning to start operation, I was already late. I was going fast, but my eyes still stopped at the small bakery just next to the hospital for one minute I was thinking and then turned to that side.

I entered the hospital and asked at information about Yurio’s grandfather, women at the table searched something on the computer and told me to go to the sixth floor. I smiled and nodded to her, quickly entering an elevator with other people. I don’t like hospitals. Actually, I hate them. Maybe because I was spending so much time in them that I thought I might get an allergy from this place. I didn’t like white walls and that strange smell. The smell of illness and death. I know, I was pessimistic about these things. That’s why if I need hospital someday again, I will use just a private one and I will make Simon come here, or even go to London myself. I won’t say anything to other people who trust public hospitals and every doctor. It was just my thing… I mean more something like mental trauma after everything. I got out at sixth floor and started walking through the corridor, searching for someone familiar.

I saw Yurio right away, he was the only one blond here. An adult man, but now looking like a child, maybe because he was so skinny or maybe because he was sitting with his head let down, holding on his hair, totally broke. Oh jeez, I hope I am not too late… I hope that his grandfather is still in operation and he is just worried. Slowly I started walking towards the bench he was sitting on. Without any words, I sat next to him and Yurio raised his head. His eyes were red and tired, I couldn’t stop myself from that sad feeling inside me. I was sorry for him. Yurio watched at me for a few seconds without any emotions and then suddenly he became surprised, almost angry.

“What are you doing here, pig?? Came to laugh?” He started with that normal angry voice of his, but in the end, it suddenly cracked and got silent. I didn’t answer his questions. Does he really think that I can be that kind of person who laughs at other’s pain?

“I know that they might not be that delicious as your grandfather's, but I thought maybe you are hungry.” I gave him a paper bag from the bakery. Yurio looked at me, then at the bag and I was smiling. Sincerely. I didn‘t come here to tease him. I came here because I thought that he needs support now more than anyone else. Even if Yurio had that hatred for me in his heart, I couldn’t be mad at his grandfather. I bet Yurio was the best grandchild he could be. For one second I thought that he will hit me, but Yurio just took the bag and opened it.

“Pirozhki?” his voice suddenly turned from painful to surprised, I nodded. I mean, from how he looks like I can tell that Yurio eats really bad. Maybe he didn’t have an appetite, but I hoped that this time he will eat. And he did. I swear I almost wanted to hug him, when Yurio took one patty from the paper bag for himself, then gave a bag to me. He looked at patty for one moment then took a bit off it. “Disgusting…” that’s what he said, but I perfectly saw how his lip started trembling. I pretended that I didn’t notice that. I took another one and tried it. Of course, it wasn't the same as homemade, but for me, it was alright.

“Yeah… When your grandfather gets better, let’s hope that he opens his bakery and kicks this bakery out from the market” I said eating mine and at the same time thinking about Victor. Now he should be somewhere between Russia and Switzerland. I got out from my mind just when Yurio started giggling, I looked at him. Really? Did I said something so funny? I smiled at him and we were eating in silence, both thinking about our own stuff. Still, even if we are not talking, I was happy that I came.

“Does he know that you are here?” he suddenly asked after more than thirty minutes. I sighed and shook my head. Of course, Victor didn’t know… he wouldn’t let me come. Last month I made him send the money that he was always sending for Yurio’s grandfather before that dumb accident next to our door. Hahaha, accident. “Why?” he asked again after few minutes and I shrugged. He asks why… and I don’t know what to answer. It’s not that I was feeling some kind of friend to Yurio is just… I thought that if I was in a situation like this, I wouldn’t want to be alone.

“Why you were in the hospital at the time when police found me?” after my question Yurio got surprised, as I thought. “You can say, that you did this for Victor, but… I think that there was some part in your heart that was worried.” He was still sitting saying nothing, so I am right. Yurio does have a kind heart, but he doesn’t have a person who would take care of his demons inside. Victor had me, but Yurio was alone. “Are you in love with Victor?” I suddenly asked and of course he didn’t expect that. I mean my question wasn't about friendly love.

“You didn’t understand, pork bowl, right? I was never in love with Victor.” WHAT? NO? He wasn’t??? What did that suppose to mean? But but… they were together and… “Victor also never loved me. When we tried to date... it was more about trying to forget the pain that we were both feeling.” I was looking at Yurio waiting for more explanations. I know that Victor was hurt… but he said both… why? After a few seconds, Yurio sighed and rolled his eyes. “You are really a stupid one, right? You think that you are the only one who can hurt a person? I hate you because I know what Victor was feeling. I felt the same.” I was sitting frozen. He beat me because someone did with Yurio something similar what I did to Victor? Was he protecting Victor from pain?

“Who…?” I asked so silently because I wasn’t sure that I want to know. Or maybe I already knew the answer. In the past, before all this shit, Yurio also wasn’t alone. Until now, I have never thought about this. I don’t know why. I mean, there were so many things in my mind, that I couldn’t remember all details.

“Victor was luckier… it doesn’t seem that you will leave him. Well… when I let him inside again, he… ” Yurio didn’t answer my question and even didn’t finish his sentence, but I already knew the end. He left him again. It must be that person. There was no one else who could do this to him. As I said, I will never forget what Yurio did to me, but somehow when I understood the real reason I felt a little bit better.

“You… haven’t talked to him since then? Have you asked why he did this?” I tried asking, but looking at the empty paper bag in my hands. This conversation was getting really personal. How can I help him? I was a bit afraid that Yurio would soon tell me to back off. I didn’t want to go inside his heart, but maybe there is a solution. From Yurio’s voice I knew… he still loves that person. I had the same voice when spoke about Victor for Simon before trying to find him.

“I know that he searched for me, but I changed my number and moved out. I don’t want to see him ever again.” He sighed and I understood that this talk is over. He won’t answer to any of my questions about his ex-lover. But to be honest I saw my mistakes in Yurio’s actions… and he was lying, I could feel that it’s not the truth. Maybe his eyes didn’t want to see, but his heart... you can’t order your heart what to love. I already had this lesson. We were sitting like that, both looking at the floor for about 20 minutes, but somehow I could feel that the tense between us is smaller. Maybe we started to understand each other better? “Where is Victor? I mean you suck at lying, so how he doesn’t know that you are here?” should I say him the truth or lie… Right… the one who can believe in my lies is just Ana…

“He is in Switzerland. The results of his last heart check were bad, so… doctors send him there to found out more about this.” I said the truth and I had to bit my lip. I just can’t... every thought about Victor there without me makes me want to cry. Yurio looked surprised, almost worried then he tried to hide his feelings. I was also hiding, just so much worse.

“He is strong. I don’t know if he told you that, but… actually, when he had that overdose, Victor died. But after a few seconds, his heart started beating again. Nobody couldn’t explain that. Doctor said that he wants to live.” I opened my mouth from surprise, this part Victor didn’t tell me! He was really dead for a few seconds?? He didn’t tell me this because he thought that it’s not important? But it is! It is… of course, it won’t change anything now. I covered my face in palms and touched the cold wall with my back. Victor… my beloved Prince… Suddenly I felt something that surprised me even more than those words before, Yurio touched my shoulder with his head. I hold my breath. What’s going on? “I am just really tired… really,” he said and I moved my hands from the face, looked at him. Yurio was still so young, but he really looked like a person who doesn’t have enough sleep or food. It’s not that he didn’t have money… he just… didn’t care. I sighed. That’s an unexpected turn.

“Maybe we could become frien-“

“Never.” Yurio didn’t let me finish the sentence, but I smiled looking at his face. His eyes were closed and after few minutes I did the same. Alright, no friends. I am fine with this. I don’t know how long we were sitting like this. Long. Maybe longer than an hour or even two, when we heard steps in the corridor. Yurio raised his head and suddenly jumped on his feet. It was a doctor I didn’t stand up, but I also looked at the man. Really, I hate doctors (Simon was an exception).

“We are done. He will be fine, you can visit him in room number 623.” Doctor said to Yurio and we both sighed with relief at the same time. Yurio smiled so widely, that he really looked like a kid right now. To be honest, really good kid. I stood up and started going, I think I am not needed here anymore.

“Yuuri.” After Yurio said my name I turned my head at him, with raised eyebrows. What is it? “I am sorry.” After his words, I couldn’t hold myself from a smile. That’s it. I reached his heart. Just wonderful what pirozhki can do. He didn’t say what he is sorry about, but I knew.

“You should really call to Otabek,” I said making him open his mouth, even from here I saw how he trembles. I hope that Yurio understands that I want just best for him. I don’t want him to repeat my mistakes.

“You better get to the Grand Prix final, because I want to have a reason go to Japan again.” That was his answer instead of other I wanted to hear. Alright, Yurio is the one who must decide what is good and what is wrong. I nodded for him, raised my hand saying goodbye this way and went towards the elevator.

Alright, one good work is done today. I took out my phone from jeans pocket and gasped. Oh shit! I forgot to turn on the sound, there were 23 missed calls from Alexey and 1 call from Victor one hour ago. That one call scared me more than those 23. I wrote quickly to Alexey:

_I was out to eat. Coming back now. See you in 20 minutes._

Then pressed a call button and waited. Jeez, that took ages, but I got an answer.

“Yuuri.” His voice just killed me. Oh no no no no.

“Victor.” I tried to do the same serious voice he had.

“Don’t make fun of me. Why you didn’t pick up?” he asked silently and I wanted to scream in this fucking elevator, but the doors opened and I had to go from it. How could I forget to turn on the sound?

“Sorry… I didn’t hear. I just saw it now.” That’s was the truth, so that’s why he couldn’t say that I am lying. I just didn’t tell the real reason why I couldn’t hear the call.

“I see…” his voice was sad and that squeezed my heart. “Please keep your phone next to you, with the sound turned on, alright?” he asked with such a voice that I almost started crying and begging for forgiveness.

“I am sorry… I will. I miss you.” I said with shivering voice. I had to take a deep breath to calm myself down. Jeez, even one day haven’t passed. How was I able to live without him for more than two years? It’s good that I was outside. Because of the cold weather I was able not to burst into tears.

“Yuuri… I also miss you. Really. It’s hard.” He said and I nodded, I knew that Victor couldn’t see me. But it was really hard, that's true. To hear his voice so well like he is standing next to me, but not be able to touch… “How is Alexey and Ana?” after a few seconds of painful silence he changed the subject and that was a surprise.

“You didn’t call them?” I asked and tried not to sound too surprised.

“No… why should I if they are with you?” he explained and I understood that Alexey didn’t tell Victor anything. Oh my God, thank you. I won’t have to lie. Oh, wait. I am not in ice center and twins are not with me. Hahaha, what should I say? “Oh, wait…” suddenly Victor said. “It’s Christophe. That dummy came to pick me from the airport just now. I will call you later. Love you!” He said and I was saved. Thank you, Chris, that you came later.

“I love you too,” I said and Victor sent me a kiss through the phone then hung up. Oh… that was close.

 

 

 

 

“Something is not right.” Ana sighed after watching me dancing my free program. I knew it! Twins were both nodding with a smile when I showed my short program, but this just… not right. I can’t understand what. They were both standing just behind the rink so I slid closer to them and shrugged. So what now?

“What is your theme this year?” This was a question from Alexey and I don’t know why I got lost. The theme? I was trying to look at his eyes and see what he has in mind, but it was impossible.

“Care,” I said and at the same moment saw that twins don't agree with that. What? Have I to change the theme? I don’t have time for that. Of course, it wasn’t the strongest one I could create, even Victor didn’t like it, but it was my choice. So what?

“I don’t see any care in your dance.” Ana looked at the middle of the rink as I was still there. I bet she was remembering my moves. So what can I do about this? I have to look more like I care about people around me? Or Victor? Or what?

“For who you are dancing?” Alexey asked and I opened my mouth to say because the answer was obvious. “Just don’t say for Victor.” I closed my mouth. No? Why? But I was really dancing for him. If that’s not the answer then I don’t have another one. “That’s your problem. You are dancing thinking about Victor not about something related to care.” After he said that I started thinking… maybe. Maybe the theme for me is just a word this time?

“Yuuri, I don’t say that you are a person who doesn’t care about others. But this theme is not for you. I can’t feel anything when you are dancing. What are you feeling?” Oh my, they just jumped on me both at the same time. It’s not that tragic! I mean I would get really high points just for all those jumps. It’s just… I don’t feel pleasure dancing… I can’t give my heart to this dance. So what should I do? I don’t feel anything.

“Just think! Think about something. Or about you and Victor, for example. Something that would be really close to you. That’s what we do in our dance. Remember that one in competition? When you were crying like a baby?” Heeey, I wasn’t the only one who cried. Really… Alexey was speaking and not paying attention that I am rolling my eyes. “You can’t dance without idea… without feeling it. You have to imagine everything in your head. For example, when we were practicing that dance, sometimes we even went out to dance at night, to see the real stars, to feel them. Yuuri? What are you feeling?” that’s true. I forgot… I forgot what it means to feel the dance. I started thinking while Ana was hugging Alexey talking about something strange to his ear because he was turning all red. I don’t want to know what that is.

When Victor just became my coach… my first theme was love. Love for him. That was so strong, that until now I can remember those feelings inside me, I can still see love in him. That was real. I think it was the strongest theme I have ever had… because later other two were also close to me, but in the end, I couldn’t feel them so deep, like I was feeling the first one. But… I can’t use again the same theme, right? What else could I find so strong about us. Or maybe in us. Something that Victor had when I broke my leg, something that I believed when I left him, something that I saw in Simon’s eyes when he said that he can make me walk again. Something… what I felt when I saw Victor in London… when I came to Moscow, when we decided to try again, I was even feeling it when Victor was lying next to me in the hospital, what he must have felt when he was looking for me… I felt this when I waited for him to get me from that freaking lab. Something… that we both were feeling when I lost my memories. Something that I must believe now. It’s a story. It’s my life. It’s strong. It’s real. It’s still the best we can do. That can save us. That can save everyone. I can show how important it is! I can show for what we are living. Never. Give. Up.

“I KNOW!” I suddenly shouted so loud, that both twins flinched, Ana even jumped off Alexey. The poor boy was already pressed against the wall. So I am not the only one who is suffering from her crazy love. They looked at me, waiting for me to say it. But I wanted to show. I slid to the rink center and closed my eyes. Yes. That’s the feeling.

When I finished my dance, kneeling on the ice and looked at the twins to see their reaction. They were both frozen. I saw a tear on Ana’s cheek. Alexey covered his face with palms.

I did it.

 

 

 

  
I was dancing all the day and returned home just in the evening, I left those twins in the restaurant and rushed home to call Victor. I really wanted to tell him what I found. I wanted him to feel the same I was feeling. I bet he will be surprised when I am going to show him this after few days. My dance just changed completely. I wanted to talk at home where nobody could disturb us. It strange, he said that he will call me later, but it was already 9 p.m. here so it must be 7 p.m. in Switzerland. He said that we must talk every three hours… so why didn’t he call me? Alright, I will do it myself. I can’t hold it, I really want him to know my new theme.

“Yuuri.” He answered right away like he was holding the phone in his hand. I understood that something is not right.

“What is it…?” I asked at the same time, he must tell me now, because I won’t be able to handle it otherwise. Just tell me… Is it something about the hospital? Is it bad? Maybe Chris can take him to his place? I mean it’s just for a few nights.

“I wanted to call you right away… but somehow I am sitting here with the phone in my hands for more than three hours and… I can’t.” Why is he not saying to me what happened? It’s not about the hospital, is it? It’s something so much worse. What can be worse? I sat on the chair in the hallway, because my legs couldn’t hold me anymore. I didn’t say anything, I couldn’t. “As soon as I came here, they did the first test and… results were… well… they told me that I have to stay here until the second of October. I am sorry…” his voice was getting sadder, and I felt how my lips are trembling. This is not good… This is not good. I can’t live without him so many days. I can’t participate in competition if he is not with me. I don’t want that. I won’t do this.

“Victor…” I started, but my voice cracked. I must tell him, that I am not participating. I am coming to Switzerland and…

“Before you say anything that you will regret later, let me tell you this. This is nothing to worry about. I am serious. They just want to be sure. It’s better that I stay now for these 8 days than coming here every month. I asked Chris and he said that he can be your coach for the short program. I will come next morning right to your free program. Alright..? You trust me?” He said everything and I couldn’t interrupt. Of course, I trusted him… but 8 days is too long. And how I will do my short program without Victor? I don’t need Chris… I don’t need anyone else. Why he doesn’t understand. Why… " _Mister Nikiforov it's your turn"_ I heard a woman’s voice in the background. I haven’t said anything… “I have to go. I love you.” He hung up the phone. I let my phone down.

Tears started falling on the black screen. One by one, and then I couldn’t stop them anymore. I didn’t want to stop them.

I have to believe in it now.

Because I don't have another choice

But I haven’t told him that…

I changed my theme…

I haven’t told him

How important it is…

Because it was about us

About everything.

  
_Hope._


	27. Chapter 27. Yuuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was a photo. Of Victor. I don’t know how I knew that it wasn’t Alexey. Maybe from that cute and innocent warmth in his eyes. In this photo, he was about six years old. Smiling, with the same smile he has until now and his blue eyes were shining so much, full of love and happiness. Just a person with really kind and wonderful heart could have eyes like this. Victor was holding a poodle, little toy, not a real one, pressing it against his chest like it would be the most precious thing he has. Silver hair was longer, until the shoulders, a little bit messy because of the wind I guess. He was so cute, I think I have never seen anything so pure in my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I aaaammm baaaaack~~~ 
> 
> Anyway, I have some good news, for example, this story has more than 100k words now ;o  
> anaaaad whaaaat 17k Hits?? howwww??? O.O  
> and I passed my one exam and finished my one essay! One more exam, presentation and one more essay to go!  
> and the last new, that I love you so much that's why I worked so hard and made this really long chapter and even sooner!! <3  
> I hope you will like it <3
> 
> A lot of loves <3  
> Kisses & Cries <3  
> Vitavili

When I heard a doorbell I was coming out from the bathroom after a shower, I could have sat on that chair and cry for the rest of the evening, but I didn’t want that Alexey and Ana would see me like this. I still didn’t know how to tell them, that Victor is not coming back on Monday. I mean, I won’t ask them to stay with me, people have their lives and I am an adult who can live by my own. My days might be sad, but I have lived like this for almost three years, so eight days won‘t change anything. At least I wanted to think this way, the truth was a little bit different, from the moment when I started living with Victor again, I understood that I don‘t want to stay alone anymore. I am tired of loneliness, to wake up every day already with a wish that evening would come sooner. I know that I am the one who was wrong, but I learned from my mistakes it’s just enough… For someone else it’s should sound funny that I can’t stay without my lover a little bit more than a week. But after everything that happened to us, even this time of period was a huge one. It seems that every time when I start to feel that everything should be better, something happens. Life is making fun of me. I opened the door and smiled for the twins, moving away from it that they could come in.

“How was your dinner?” they were gone long enough, so my eyes weren’t red anymore, just cheeks more blushed because of the hot water. I was smiling, but the twins were looking at me with their eyes opened widely, not even moving. What? I blinked. Maybe I forgot to wash a soap from somewhere? Oh. I was just with a towel on my hips and my hair was still wet. I was so lost in my thoughts that even forgot to put on my glasses.

“Yuuri. You. Sexy. Thing.” Suddenly Ana said every word with pauses at the same time jumping on me. I stepped back, but she was, of course, faster. Few seconds and Ana was already hanging on me. “I never thought that under those clothes you have a body like this,” Ana said it right into my ear and my cheeks started to burn, I gasped trying to push her away and that creepy hand of hers, which touched my abs.

“A-n-a… No no no.” I grabbed her around the waist and pulled away from me as hard as I could, but she was stuck as a glue. “ALEXEY, HELP!” I almost screamed like she was trying to rape me, but actually, she just was rubbing her nose against my cheek. I had enough strength to pull her away, but I didn’t want to hurt her. Why her brother is just standing there. I tried to look at him, over her shoulder. HE. WAS. HOLDING. A PHONE. Now I just pushed her so hard, that poor girl just fell on the floor, but to be honest at that moment I didn’t care. “Wh-at… wh-at are you do-ing?” I asked when Alexey was still looking at his phone and Ana already on her feet tried to take off my towel, I quickly jumped to the other side.

“Sending a picture to Victor.” He said calmly, but at the moment my heart almost stopped, I let some kind of a gasp out of my throat and grabbed the phone from Alexey’s hand, rushed to my bedroom and locked the door before they caught me. Oh my God. What was that?? I sat on the floor holding the doors with my back and hoping that they won’t try to kick them out.

“Yuuuuuri, open the door.” I heard Ana’s voice and she tried to open them, I froze. She knocked one time, another and then started laughing. “Just come to the living room. I want to show you something.” I could almost see how she is sending a kiss through the door. Victor, please, help me.

When I heard that she walked away, I looked at the phone in my hand, it was already locked and I didn’t know the password. I need to hide it somewhere. I stood up and walked around the bedroom, we didn’t have a lot of places here to hide something. Into the closet? Too obvious… In the bathroom? If anything happens to his iPhone, Alexey would probably punch me. I looked at our bed, on each side of it there was a small night table. Maybe if I hide in that one on Victor’s side… I came there I kneeled to open it. I hope that Victor doesn’t keep some weird stuff inside. When I opened it the first thing I saw was not that collection of lubricants he had, but a small black box. I know, I shouldn’t have taken it, but… it was already in my hand before I understood what I am doing. I opened the box. Oh, my.

“You… liar…” I said quietly, looking at rings inside the box. Victor said that he doesn’t remember where he put them, but actually they were always here. Yes, the same rings we bought in Barcelona in 2016. I closed the box and pressed it to my lips. It was never just a game… Even then it wasn’t just for fun, right? This time just one tear came out from my eyes, but this time it was because of happiness. I know that for being together we don’t have to get married, I was happy with the life we had now, but just this feeling that Victor had those rings made me feel really happy like he would be with me right now.

“Yuuri, give me back my phone!” When Alexey shouted from the living room, I flinched waking up from my few minutes of happiness. I put rings and phone inside and closed the table door. I tried to find the ugliest clothes I had, before leaving I also put my glasses on. Perfect. “Where is it?” Alexey asked when I entered the living room. Twins were sitting on the couch and looking something on the tablet. Please, just say that he didn’t have enough time to send that picture to his tablet from phone.

“I will give it back if you delete the photo,” I said coming closer, but not too close, because Ana was already looking at me with that wonderful shining smile of hers, Alexey didn’t lift his eyes from the tablet, just shook his head. Alright, then no phone for you, young man.

“Yuuri, dance with me!” Ana jumped from the couch and I sighed. What? Like I thought… now I am the one who will babysit them. I didn’t move, when she stood up in front of me with a big smile like I would have been still wearing just a towel.

“I don’t really know how to dance in pair…” I blinked, but she was already holding my hands. No, really I am always performing alone, sometimes Victor loved to grab me in his hands on the ice and spin around, but now we were on the floor and she was not my lover. Ana was not listening to me, she put one of my hands on her waist. I let her do that just because I felt a little bit bad for pushing her so hard in the hallway.

“There is nothing to know. Alexeeeey, turn on the music.” Oh no, she was really serious and I was feeling like the first day in class. She was a professional dancer on the floor and in a pair, I was dancing alone and on the ice. Sometimes in the past Minako-sensei was showing me some moves in her ballet studio, but it’s not the same. “Jeez, relax… for dancing you don’t need to think, just feel.” That’s the problem, I am feeling too much at this moment. Ana put one of her hands on my shoulder and moved so close to me that our bodies were touching. Should it be like that? When she took my free hand into hers and pressed fingers, music started playing. It was my short program soundtrack. “Man should lead the way. Close your eyes, Yuuri. Just dance.” I can’t explain why her voice had such an effect on me. But I closed eyes and started moving. Spinning around with Ana in my arms. The feeling was strange is like I was holding an air in my hands. Her moves were just too light and graceful and I was more like walking. “Imagine you are on the ice. Not holding me, imagine that I am a hope in your arms. What you want to do with it?” she asked and I opened my eyes, looked right into the blue sky in her look. Maybe Ana was a little bit crazy for the attention, but she was a good person. It’s possible that hope could have looked like that.  
  
“Protect it,” I said and after that jumped with her spinning in the air and landed on one foot. A flip jump on the floor. Ana gasped, she didn’t expect that. I smiled at her and stopped. That’s true if you feel it becomes easier to dance because then you don’t have to think about your steps, just go with a flow.

“You have to let us improve your performances. Please, Yuuri, I really want that… I just feel that together we can do something really beautiful.” He asked and stepped from me, that’s when I understood that she’s been serious. Really? I don’t know… I mean Victor is creating choreography for me and I am not sure if it’s alright to change something.

“If you worried about Victor, then he gave us permission. I just asked him.” Alexey stepped into the room, I didn’t even notice that he was gone. I almost opened my mouth when I saw that he holding the phone in his hand. He found it! I can’t believe that this boy just walked into my room and searched for his phone! “By the way, you really suck at hiding things.” Just great. I suck at lying, I suck at hiding things, where don’t I suck then?

“Well if Victor is okay with it… then I guess it’s also fine with me.” How should I say different, when Ana’s eyes were just shining and this reminded me of my Victor? She shouted happily and quickly hugged me, then rushed back to the couch and took the tablet in her hands.  
  
“We will create you an amazing program. It will be Nikiforov’s family power!” she looked so happy, searching something on the tablet that I also smiled. Like a child. Alexey gave me a smirk and started going towards his sister. Alright, kids are busy, an adult needs to go sleep.

“I will bring you sheets.” I almost forgot about that, so I went back to the bedroom and took clean sheets from the closet, on my way back to the living room I remembered something. Victor told me, that Ana and Alexey are his aunt's kids, but the thing is that when women gets married in Russia, she has to change her last name to husband's. “Your last name is also Nikiforov?” I asked putting sheets on the table, I guess they can make a bed themselves.

“Yes, because our mom never got married. We don’t even know who our father is.” Alexey explained and I got lost. Oh. I shouldn’t have asked that. It’s really personal thing. But they didn’t look mad. It just… I felt a little bit sorry. To grow up without a father and the mother had to take care not just of these two crazy things, but also of Victor. I would like to see that woman.

“I see…” I didn’t know what to say more, and they looked more interested in the tablet right now. “I am going to sleep then. Alexey, please don’t send anything to Victor.” When they both started giggling I understood that there is just a two options, or they already did that and it’s too late, or they even didn’t take a photo in the first place. I sighed and walked to the bedroom, just in case I have to think what to say to Victor. When I took off my clothes and looked at the phone there was still no message for him, so I decided to write.

_Goodnight. I will dream about you._

I laid on Victor’s side and pressed my face to his pillow. Full of his scent. For some time, I will have to live just with this. I hugged the pillow and closed my eyes, I hope that Victor will dream about me too. In the middle of the night, Makkachin came, when he jumped on the bed, I woke up.

“Oooh, come here…” I murmured, moving closer to my puppy and putting one hand on his soft fur, he is so warm. Before closing my eyes again, I saw that my phone is shining. It was laying on the pillow on my side. It was a message from Victor.

_Don’t touch yourself until I say so._

**2021, September 29.**

In the end, those twins stayed with me. I told them that they can go, but they even told me that they are coming with me to Rome. I think they were starting getting into the coaching mood too much. But I couldn’t say no. The season for dances was already over this year, so I couldn’t find another reason to ask them to go. Actually, the worst part was just on the evening. In the day time, we were always practicing on ice or in the dance studio. I started learning new moves with help of Alexey, I just had to repeat what he was doing and Ana was looking from the side. I wish it would be “just repeat”, Alexey was more than perfect, his every move reminded me of Victor on the ice at this age. He was spinning and jumping and moving like he was just made for dances and he didn’t need so many breaks as I did. To say the truth, their “improvement” of my program was so hard that it looked almost impossible to do. When I was training with Victor he already told me, that my program is difficult enough, but this is just… crazy. Well, the word crazy matched perfectly for these two. So that’s my day plan – reaching for hope in dance and in the evening it was so much worse. For example, one night I thought that Makkachin again came to my room and I hugged him, but there was Ana. I screamed like a girl who was just coughed naked in the bathroom and ran out from the room. From then I am sleeping in the living room just in front of Alexey, and Ana is sleeping on my bed. I still took Victor’s pillow with me. She tried to sneak in when I was having shower few times, also she just loved sitting on my lap. And I was getting more tired always hiding from her, also from the practice. Alexey looked calm, he was just happy that as long I am here, Ana is not jumping at him.

Talking about Victor… I haven’t talked on the phone with him since then. We were always chatting on messages app's and sending photos, but we both decided that it’s too hard to listen to each other voice and won’t be able to touch. I was happy that Victor doesn’t have to spend all the time in the hospital, he was going out a lot with Chris and some other man with brown curly hair (I saw in the photo), but I didn’t have any idea who he is. Some of Chris friends? Boyfriend? Actually, I didn’t know if Chris is into men. Anyway, they were going together for walks or eating dinners, Victor said that he bought me something as present but he didn’t say what it was. I haven’t told him about my new theme or about the fact that I found the rings (I didn’t touch the box since the day I found them), it just a few days left until we meet, so I thought that everything can wait until then. Victor was writing that results are getting better and I couldn’t stop myself from believing that after this finally, everything will be how it was in the past - calm. Maybe that word "hope" just stuck in my mind too deeply. I was sending Victor some photos also, of course, not those where Ana is trying to do something to me, but some from the practice or with me and Makkachin. Just because I wanted him to know that we are waiting and he is missed so much. Just seeing photos and chatting didn’t hurt so much as hearing his voice, but still sometimes at nights I almost couldn’t hold myself from crying, because almost an excellent copy of Victor was lying just a few steps from me, but it was like a mirage. After living with Alexey for some time, I already could see differences between him and Victor. Just when he was calm and sleeping even watching at Alexey could bring me a heartbreak.

“Yuuri. Whaaat are you doing?” Ana came into the living room from the kitchen and sat on my lap, I was reading the last message from Victor where he was talking about this day’s heart check he had. I didn’t even react when Ana sat on me. Now I understand why Victor was standing so calm when this girl jumped on him. If you stay calm she gets bored soon enough.

“Just reading a message. Where is your brother?” I asked when Ana jumped from my lap and sat on the table in front of me. As I told you, she is not interested when you are not moving. Right after my words Alexey came into the room with a poker face, I think they had a fight. To be honest they were fighting so much that I couldn’t understand how can they dance or live together. It seems that dancing makes forget about everything. I wonder what happened this time. Usually, they were fighting because of silly stuff. Well, Ana was the one who loved screaming, Alexey loved doing face that he doesn’t care and that way making her even angrier. But they loved each other, I mean it was already in their blood, they were just too much connected to be separated. I heard about those connections that twins have, but I never thought about it until I saw these two together.

“We were talking with Alexey that you might have never seen this,” Ana spoke again and at the same time, Alexey took something from his bag and came to me. It was a photo. Of Victor. I don’t know how I knew that it wasn’t Alexey. Maybe from that cute and innocent warmth in his eyes. In this photo, he was about six years old. Smiling, with the same smile he has until now and his blue eyes were shining so much, full of love and happiness. Just a person with really kind and wonderful heart could have eyes like this. Victor was holding a poodle, little toy, not a real one, pressing it against his chest like it would be the most precious thing he has. Silver hair was longer, until the shoulders, a little bit messy because of the wind I guess. He was so cute, I think I have never seen anything so pure in my life.

“You can keep it if you want,” Alexey said and I just nodded, pressing the photo to my chest. I will carry it with me everywhere from now on. I wanted to thanks, but this second I couldn’t, because I still was seeing that little boy Victor smiling like he was the happiest child in the world.

“When Victor started living with us… I think we were just two years old, so I can say that we grow up with him, seeing Victor as our older brother.” Ana started speaking and I looked at her. Why did they decide to tell me this now? Maybe that’s what they were talking about in the kitchen? Finally, they are also seeing me like a part of the family? I was just listening and trying to imagine Victor as an older brother.

“But he was already a professional ice skater, even at this young age… that’s why we decided also to start dancing, just not on the ice. Because we always thought that ice belongs to Victor. He was like a prince, then a king… and all we could do was stare.” Alexey sat next to his sister and she nodded while he was speaking. I could imagine how they were watching at Victor with their mouths opened widely. I was looking at him the same. They grow up with my idol, but he was still surprising everyone. “Victor… well, he wasn’t really a family person. He liked to be more alone, spend all his free time on the ice.” Alexey looked sad about this, and I could understand him. It must be sad to have a big brother who doesn’t really care about you. But Victor was like that, he was always alone… he even liked that so much, until he met me.

“But he always was giving all the flowers for us and believe me, he was getting a lot of them… and he never told us that we can't sit next to him, while he was studying. Is just that… he was smiling all the time, but in his heart he was lonely. We saw that but there wasn’t anything we could possibly do to help him.” Ana sighed and it was the first time me seeing her like that. I couldn’t imagine how you should feel when someone is sad next to you but you can’t help him because he doesn’t let you in. When I met with Victor in Hatsetsu, he was already in that mood: _I will make you mine._

“Yuuri, I have never seen Victor take care of someone like he cares about you. I don’t feel that loneliness from him anymore. We just… really… truly want to thank you, for saving him.” Alexey smiled and I trembled. How… how they are doing that. My heart is beating like crazy. I am not worth it. I am not… I jumped on my feet and hugged both of them at the same time.

“Have a hope. Victor is already yours.” Ana kissed my cheek and didn’t blush this time. It wasn't a pervert at all. She was thanking me and I kissed her forehead, then Alexey’s. It should be an amazing feeling to have children like they.

 _I am with my love. Now I can sleep calmly_.

Later I send Victor a picture of me with his photo. Twins went outside with Makkachin and they planned to go to the park, it still wasn’t so dark, so it was alright.

_Yuuri, turn on the skype. Now._

That was Victor’s answer. But… but how about the fact that we are not talking until Saturday? My heart started beating so fast, I rushed like crazy to my computer I left in that small room with books and turned it on. I haven’t used it for more than four days so it took some time for him to start. I was so impatient, couldn’t sit calmly. Hurry. Hurry. Hurry. When it finally turned on I quickly pressed the skype app and Victor called right away.

“Victor…” I sighed with the trembling voice even before I saw the view. And he was all here. Sitting somewhere next to the window. With all his perfect face, eyes and smile. I couldn’t hold myself, I touched the screen with my fingertips like I could feel him. But the screen was cold. I moved my hand and covered mouth with my palm. Jeez… my heart.

“Yuuri…” I think my view just reached him now, so he didn’t saw how I was grabbing the screen. “You are so beautiful… let me look at you.” He said making that face of his, full of love and longing. I slowly moved my hand that he could see my face, but my lip was trembling. He is so close… so close right know and yet so far away.

“I miss you… I need you so much… come back, Victor. Please, come back to me.” I wasn’t thinking, I just spoke… I started begging and after that hid my face in palms. It shouldn’t be like that, I should be happy, I saw him and he looks not like a person who has problems with health, so it’s alright. But somehow I couldn’t be happy I became really sad. “I am so-rry…” I said because we should just talk about something different, but I am crying here and I know that this makes Victor sad. It was a mistake. A huge mistake to do this call.

“Baby… I am almost here, can’t you feel it?” I didn’t even mind that he called me baby, not now. Now I could be anything for him. I shook my head, no I can’t feel anything. There was a silence for a few minutes. “Yuuri pull away computer I want to see all of you.” What? I even opened my face and blinked, Victor was looking at me seriously and he was holding two of his fingers on his lips. This view… this look… I did what he told me, moved a table with the laptop a little bit further and then set back on the couch.

Victor slowly put two of his fingers in his mouth and licked them, I saw everything, his tongue around fingers even how he leaves saliva on them. They are so wet… so… I just thought that I would do anything to have them in me. My lower part of the body suddenly woke up and I started breathing faster, still watching at Victor with eyes opened widely. He was licking fingers, slowly fucking his mouth and somehow making everything look like a porn movie. And it was just a fingers.  
  
“Close your eyes and take off your pants. Just listen to my voice… just see what I am doing.” His voice was like a drug, I was totally captivated by it. I closed my eyes and took off my pants together with the underwear. For that moment when Victor wrote me not to touch myself, I listened, I didn’t masturbate, didn’t put fingers inside me, nothing. Now my body was trembling from hunger… my dick was hard, already covered with pre-cum and everything just because of that view Victor showed me. “Yuuri… lick your fingers.” I did this, slowly… trying to imagine that it’s Victor’s fingers, not mine. “Jeez… you are perfect… put one in…” Victor's voice was deep and calm, he was talking to me with that mood and I shivered.

“Bu-t… bu-t I want… both…” I said silently and Victor gasped then let that sighed from deep inside of him and I started putting them in, both at the same time. “Aah- ah…ah…Vic-tor…a-h.” I was entering slowly but those sounds I couldn’t hold them, they came outside.

“Touch… touch yourself, Yuuri… god, you are so beautiful…” Victor’s voice wasn’t calm anymore and that was making me even more excited. He wanted me so much, just with his words making me so vulnerable. I touched my abs, under my t-shirt and then slowly moved down, taking my cock into hand. I again let the moans out. I don’t know why my hand was so cold, even if I was feeling hot. But that just helped me imagine that this hand belongs to Victor. I started moving it fast as fingers in my ass.

“Ahh- ahh… Victor… Victor…” I started calling his name and my whole body was trembling. I wanted to reach climax, I wanted this so bad, but something was missing, it’s like I was standing almost on the top, but something was holding me and I couldn't reach the destination. I started begging him, feeling his eyes on me even from the screen. It was a torture… I can’t…

“Come Yuuri… come for me. I want to see your face when you come… I want that. Come for me. Yuuri.” That was my break point. My name. That one word he told in the end, with that tone. It was an order. Damn, the hottest order I have ever received. I screamed and came hard. My fingers became all dirty and sticky of my cum. That thing… my sperm was hot and it was all for him. I was breathing fast and deep leaned with my back against the couch. Oh, my god. I am so tired. I pulled out fingers from my ass, my cheeks were burning in red. “I want to lick your fingers so much…” after his voice I opened my mouth and stick fingers inside it. The taste of my cum is strange… it’s not like Victor’s. I opened my eyes and looked right into the screen, still holding fingers in my mouth. Victor was looking at me with those big eyes, totally turned on. “I will fuck your dirty mouth… jeez… Yuuri. I will.” He sighed and then touched the screen with his fingerprints I suddenly jumped off the couch and kneeled in front of the small table with the laptop on it.

  
“I am waiting for that,” I said and smiled putting fingers just in the same spot where Victor was holding.

**2021, October 2.**

It was horrible. Everything. It was already late evening, we were in some kind of really fancy restaurant but I didn’t care. Today I had to show to word my short program for the first time. And nobody who watched me couldn’t believe that I am the same person, almost all my jumps somehow turned into single at the middle of the soundtrack I forgot my moves, so I just had to create something on the spot. It wasn’t a dance. It wasn’t a hope. It was a disaster. Until now I don’t understand how they gave me 81,35 for this, I would have given myself a total zero. I don’t even know what happened. We came to Rome at 1 of October and I was feeling fine. Actually, I was feeling more than great until that moment when I stepped on the ice and everything turned into a horror movie. I was sure that I won’t make to the next competition, not after that. And poor Christophe who had to be my coach, he tried to hug me and comfort when we were waiting for results in cries & kisses, but I just shook my head. It won’t help. I can’t explain what happened. I tried to call Victor after this, but he didn’t pick up until now he hasn't called me back.

“Yuuri, cheer up! Tomorrow there will be a free program! You still have a chance.” Phichit (who got 102,24) was with us and he also brought Seung-Gil with him, who was now shaking his head and for that Phichit punched him in the shoulder. But Seung-Gil was right. I don’t have any chance. I don’t even want to participate anymore. Alexey and Ana were sitting in quiet, they didn’t talk to me much after my performance, but I will have to apologize to them. I just ruined their hard work for me. They must be mad now. And something was stuck in my throat. Today I am the last in points. Things couldn’t get worse. I didn’t even eat and we went back to the hotel soon enough. I was living alone in a double room because Victor should have come tomorrow morning, Alexey’s and Ana’s room was just in front of mine.

“Goodnight,” I said silently when Ana suddenly grabbed my hand and hugged me. She didn’t tell anything just pressed me hard and then let me go. Alexey didn’t lift his eyes to me and I went back to my room with eyes full of tears. I tried to call Victor million times that night but the phone was unreachable. The sleep… I don’t think that I slept at all.

**2021, October 3.**

“Where he is… he should be here by now” I said looking everywhere. Around me, in the audience, even at the judge's table. Victor wasn’t here. He should have landed long ago, he should be with me now. But his phone was dead and no sign of showing up. I will have to go to the rink just in a few minutes because the boy who danced before me was already waiting for results. I don’t want to go. It doesn't matter anymore because I feel so much worse than yesterday. He promised that he will come. Where is he? How can I dance? I don’t want to do that. I already feel sick.

“Next participant Yuuri Katsuki, represents Japan!” the loud man’s voice said and I shook my head, still standing next to the rink and not going in. My legs are shaking even now, I won’t be able to stand on ice. There is no point. “Aaaa… he is not coming to the rink. He is not here?” The man asked. No, I am not here, goodbye, move to another participant.  
Suddenly someone hugged me from behind, I quickly turned around, my heart stopped for a second. It was Alexey. He took my hand and put something in the palm, then smiled and pushed me, I slid in the ice rink not even understand what’s going on.

“Alright! He is here. Let’s begin. Yesterday… was really not his day, maybe today it will be better.” I looked at my palm and saw a ring. Not mine. Victor’s ring. How? When? Alexey took them from the room? How he found them? Phone… right… it must be when he was looking for the phone.

Victor. I put on the ring and kissed it. Like I used to do before. Alright. Give them hope. The last hope they will ever get. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. One second before doing that I saw Victor’s face. Mirage? Reality?

Or maybe I was hoping for too much?

 

 

 


	28. H.O.P.E.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CAN YOU READ NOTES BEFORE READING CHAPTER THIS TIME? THANK YOU.
> 
> There is no summary for this chapter. I didn't want to put it, I just want you to read. I admit it. It's the main chapter of this story until now. It took everything from me and I hope you will feel it.  
> Under the photo, you can see the soundtrack name, if you click on it, it will take your right to youtube channel with this song. I suggest you listen to it, while you are reading or before that. Because I wrote this chapter while I was listening to it also it's the soundtrack of Yuuri's free program.... so maybe if you listen you'll be able to feel the same, I was feeling.
> 
> I had to study for the exam, but I couldn't just take out this from my head. So I had to finish it. Now I can go back to studying for the rest of the night! :D
> 
> Thank you, everyone. For the support, comments, kudos, bookmarks, for re-reading this story. I give you my heart with this chapter and now leaving you until Friday.
> 
> I love you, really. You are everything I have and this chapter is my answer for you.
> 
> Love and kisses,  
> forever with you,  
> Vitavili <3

                                                      

[Liudovico Einaudi - Primavera](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTq2Iuyk1s8)

* * *

“Katsuki’s theme for this year is Hope. At first, it should have been another one, but he changed it at the last minute. The song is named _Primavera_ written by Ludovico Einaudi, the choreography of this performance is made by his coach Victor Nikiforov and world’s champions in pair dancing Alexey Nikiforov and Anastasia Nikiforov. Music stars, we wish him good luck!” the man’s voice was a sign to start the music. His pronunciation is strong and clear, but his voice is so far away from me. It’s empty. He doesn’t feel what I am feeling. He hasn't seen how much I have done for this. How much have I passed for today... I touched the ring on my finger with thumb and started sliding.

  
_He never fails to surprise me._

**H. Happiness.**

_Yuuri, starting today, I'm your coach. I'll make you win the Grand Prix Final._

Hey, Victor do you have any idea what have you said then? How my heart started to melt from the first second I saw you? Did you ever think that these words mean not just a skating, but also my life? The word coach doesn’t have the same meaning as before. Listen to the sounds of letters, listen how it makes your lips move and mine to tremble. Grand Prix Final. My happiness is not to win it, my happiness are words  _starting_ _today_ and _I’m yours_.

“First jump! Salchow, toe flip jump combination that’s an interesting way of entry and really impressive height for these small jumps, it should get more points for this. After this Katsuki enters into Biellmann spin position. It’s really a hard one since your body needs to be really flexible. Wonderful start.”

_This was the only thing I could think of to surprise you more than you've surprised me._

I was still spinning around holding on my right's foot’s skate’s blade with both hands. It’s a start, I feel calm. I can feel the ring on my hand, I can feel Victor next to me. I can see how he runs into the ice rink and jumps on me, pressing my body against the ice, kissing my lips for the first time. They are wet and warm, his body is strong and I can feel every inch of it. I am happy. I am really happy. My heart is beating fast. I stopped spinning and jumped.

“Single flip. Yuuri’s start of the performance is really calm if we look at the jumps, he is planning to increase them on the second part of the song. If he manages to do everything right, he should reach a world record. To be honest, I have never seen such difficult performance in the technical part. That’s possible to do those difficult jumps in the last part of the song?”

_Do you need a reason to love your life? Is there a true reason to love your better part? How can you not love someone who is making you better?_

When you start feeling that you have that reason? When the heart jumps from the chest? Or when air stops to be a part of your breathing, because now you breathe just with him. It’s slow, it’s deep, it’s so painful. Love doesn’t come to your life like a flash, it’s a hard work. You have to give your soul to another person. The soul is not a toy, it’s really difficult and sensitive being – without it, you are naked, you are almost nothing unless someone gives a soul in return. There is no true reason to love – this feeling comes from nothing, you can love even just because the other person loves coffee or loves walking around the house without clothes. How you become a better part? You don’t do that, it’s not your choice. It is someone who chooses you to be his better part because everyone is searching for something who could complete all those empty parts in you. Like a puzzle, you are always searching for that other piece. Your better part, the one who makes you complete. It’s happiness.

“Single loop jump. It looks like Katsuki trying to warm-up. For now, it’s really hard to say if it’s his lucky day or not. Jumps are simple, but those spins are beautiful. Just amazing how he is showing emotions just with his hands. He is smiling. He is perfectly spinning in the camel position, but it’s a long song, Katsuki will need a lot of stamina for it.”

_Hold me... please, hold me…_

Do you remember our first time? You were trembling. Your whole body was shivering, reaching every part of me. Were you afraid? Did you want me so much? You were asking me to hold you, hold you strong in my arms. And I did that. I also was afraid, afraid of this perfect moment, because I have never felt it before. I wanted so badly to lie next to you for the rest of my life, to wrap my arms around you and sleep. Just be together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. I was boring and you were endlessly fascinating, I was just a drizzle and you were the whole hurricane. But your body was trembling, not mine. You were afraid. And tears started running down my face. I jumped.

“Single Axel-toe combination. Wow, that’s a creative landing! I thought that he will fall, but Katsuki just started spinning in shoot-the-duck position! It’s a middle of the first part of this song… until now he haven’t receive a lot of points from the technical side, if I see well he has just 6 points, today’s record for the free program is 202,45. And… wait…is he crying?”

**O. Overcome.**

Am I crying? I don’t know. The man’s voice is strong and it seems that something is on my face, I stretched my hands to the sides, and here comes the fast part, I started to slide backwards. It's something that I must overcome. I opened my lips and looked at the ceiling. Tears from happiness.

_You have to do the opposite of what people expect. How else will you surprise them?_

And what if people doesn‘t believe me? What if they can‘t feel the same hope that I feel? What if my feelings are not enough for everyone here? What if they are sighing while looking at me?  Bored? How should I surprise them? They expect nothing for me. They see me as a person who couldn‘t do his short program without a coach yesterday. They see a person who didn‘t want to come to the rink today. I am nothing here. I am already forgotten.

“Double Salchow and double Flip combination! Is his turning his jumps into doubles now? That’s a part of the program? Or Katuski just started taking this serious? He is spinning faster than before! Just see his way of sliding backwards, he is not even looking at the ice!”

_Do you want to walk again?_

Simon asks if I want. And if not? If my pain is already a part of my life, that I don’t want to change? This pain reminds me every day of what I have done to Victor, it reminds me how it might have hurt him. It reminds me that I am empty and I am lost. I don’t want to overcome this! I don’t want to believe again! I don’t want to try! I don’t want to be a part of this. It’s enough. It’s enough. I am tired of trying. Trying of thinking about this. I don’t want to walk. I don’t want to do this… I want to give up. I want just to be a part of this world. Without existence. Without Victor, it doesn’t matter anymore. It doesn’t matter that it hurts. Everything was because of him. And now… what now? And if I can meet him again? Maybe he will accept me if I return? Maybe he will see that I am not useless… if I could walk… I could go back. SHIT. I grabbed my hair so hard and jumped as high as I could.

“Double Axel, double Lutz and single flip combination! Great landing and it’s should be really hard to do this by holding on your hair. He still hasn't moved his eyes from the ceiling, is that possible?? It looks like he doesn’t need to watch what he is doing. He is changing directions, sliding forward and backwards.”

_Victor… I am sorry that I left. I want to return. Take me back… let me in._

Will you? I want to reach your heart. You see, I am back. I am not useless. You can love me like you used to do. I won‘t stop you now. I may be needed again. You can let me in. I won‘t run again. You can trust me, Victor. Please. Let me in. Don‘t step back, don‘t try to hide. I want to be a part of your future. I changed for you. I tried for you. I can be better. I can be something for you! VICTOR!! LET ME IN. I NEED YOUR BROKEN HEART... I need it.

“Death drop and double Lutz combination! Great! Katsuki just finished the first part of the song. And... oh Again double Lutz and flip combination! He just landed so light! At last looking at the audience. His really crying... Will he be able to hold on also in the second part? For now, he has just 19, 5 points for the technical part. It‘s really long way to go if he wants to reach something today.“

_I… want to try again. If you want the same._

Victor. I am living for you. I am here because I don‘t need anyone else in my life. I don‘t want the same. I need it. I need it. My life depends on it. The colors depend on this. I want to get out from the dark. I want to see the sun again. I want to try. Overcome.

I took a deep breath and looked at the audience who was watching at me not even moving. Like a frame, all frozen. Thinking about something. At some point I almost stopped, but actually it was just a part of this. Ana told me not to listen what that man is saying. Points don't matter for now. I am not here for it. I slid in the middle of the rink.

**P. Pain.**

_My heart will always belong to you, but you have to give your heart to someone who is worth it. I am not that person._

I suddenly started spinning and sliding at the same time. The pain came to me so fast, that I couldn’t control it. I could have fallen, but I just did a lunge position, sliding on the ice with one of my feet stretched. So that’s how it was, right? My letter. It’s ironic, no? I said that he can give his heart to someone else, and now it’s broken. Victor is ill because of me, he won’t be able to skate like a professional never again. And not just because of his age, it’s because of his heart, now he has hard limits. Is it my fault, right? I just left him and turned everything into the pieces, I broke it like a glass, like some kind of toy. I am not the person to love. I am not a person who can have someone’s heart. It’s that’s true, Victor? I closed my face with palms. Is it true?

“He is spinning faster again and he just covered his face? Is it possible to do something with hands position like that? It should be open and… Triple Salchow, triple toe loop, and single flip combination! He did it with his face closed! This is worth for extra points!”

_But it doesn’t matter, everything is over. I don’t have feelings for you anymore, so you don’t have to apologize._

Nobody could see my face, but I was crying even more now. I couldn‘t stop the tears, I couldn‘t stop the pain in the heart it was so real. I heard Victor‘s cold voice in my mind and it cut like a knife it started ripping me apart again. My throat. I can‘t breathe. I don‘t see anything. It‘s over. This is life. He doesn‘t have any feelings for me. He doesn‘t feel anything. Victor doesn‘t have a heart. He left it in the bedroom that snowy morning when I left. It‘s over. He doesn‘t need my words. My mouth is shut. I can‘t hear anything. I can‘t hear the music. What happened next?

“It’s a really slow spinning speed now for any types of jumps. Have we already seen everything? Well, at least the spins are very beautiful. He should get some points for that… I mean… triple Axel!! Oh my, that’s unexpected turn! He just jumped so high from the spot! It was even painful to watch, but amazing! Great landing! Still with the face closed! I am dreaming, right?”

_I am…so tired Victor, it hurts… It hurts so much… I am so scared… I am so lonely. Please… I can’t anymore._

Hey? Can you just let me go? Can we end this? I can‘t feel my arms, I can‘t feel my legs, my mouth is full of blood. I can‘t breathe, I don‘t even know what it‘s going on. I think my heart just stopped. I think I won‘t be able to see your blue eyes ever again. I think it‘s the last time I can say that I love you, right? How will you hear me if I can’t speak? How will you hear my last wish, Victor? You are not real… it’s just a mirage. Mirage of perfect life I could have. Just one of the piece of your heart that I was able to find. I will keep it. Let me take it with me. Your eyes are like the sky and it hurts. And it feels good. I am flying away, love.

“Triple Loop! That’s nice! I didn't see that coming! Katsuki just jumped and now he is spinning in I position, one leg lifted high and holding it with another two hands. Finally, we can see his face, but the eyes are closed… and…. Oh jeez.”

_I am really sorry… but… who are you?_

Who are you? Why are you looking at me like you just lost a purpose of your life? What does it mean? Why does it hurt to watch at you? Why I want to run away, but at the same time I want to run in your arms? Why are you so beautiful and why I can feel that warmth coming from you? Hey, I don‘t know who you are... but it‘s magical... I don‘t want to live in this world if I can‘t see your eyes. From the moment I saw them it became a purpose of life. The day it‘s meaningless if I wake up without seeing them next to me. Can you say me your name? And... why... why my heart is bleeding. Blood. Blood. Blood. BLOOD! I screamed and jumped.

“Oh my! Sorry I just flinched… that sound was… painful, what is going on? Triple flip, triple Salchow, and triple toe loop combination! Such entrance and really unexpected flow in and out! He is holding on his chest… Oh, my… I almost want to stop this and ask if he is alright. It can’t be just a performance, right? Is he not feeling well? But Katsuki doesn’t stop… We are coming to the last part until now he has 59,3 points from the technical part. But he should get so much more for the performance. I think I am not the only one who can’t stop looking at him.”

**E. Eternity.**

_Let it go,_ maja liubov _. Let it go… You already have fought so much. You were so brave. So strong. I am so proud of you. You can go… you don’t have to fight anymore. It’s okay… I am here. I am always here. It’s over…_

Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for stopping this, thank you for letting me choose. I did well, right? I was strong. I was holding on it so much, but now I don‘t have to anymore. Will you be okay? You don’t have to cry because I am free. Because I don’t feel pain anymore. I will be free forever and we can be together, at last. You will come to me one day, right? And I can be proud that I lived my life in the way I wanted. That I closed my eyes in your arms, not somewhere alone in the cold basement. It’s warm. It’s not over, it’s just a new beginning. Alright? I will see you again. I sighed and my heart calmed down, every inch of my body started relaxing. I am free. I am free to fly from here. I lifted my hands to the air and smiled, still feeling the taste of tears in my mouth.  
  
“Quadruple Axel! With hands in the air! Such a height! I am not the only one who sees that! Oh, my god… and he is smiling… again smiling. So many emotions, I don’t even know how to say what is going on here anymore… he is smiling to the audience, looking at everyone. Does he look happy? What’s is this feeling?”

_You can also dance like that, Yuuri. Just believe with everything you have._

I can dance like you, Victor? Can I dance like Alexey and Ana? Can I dance like Yurio? Right, now I am free. Now I don‘t need to be afraid anymore because I have done this for you. It‘s shining, but it‘s too small for you to see it. I opened my palms, but they were empty. Where is it? Where did I put it? It‘s invisible, so I need to believe in it. Believe so hard that it would become reality. Create something that you can just feel. I can't describe it. Feel it. I smiled. I was smiling so hard, crying now from happiness. Take it from me. Take it and put it in your heart. I spin around four times and jumped letting it go for everyone.

“Quadruple Salchow! That’s just… crazy I mean… his hands. He is dancing with all his body, leaning forward and backward, spinning around. This kind of entrance… and his face… His smiling and crying at the same time… Yuuri…”

_I would never let you go… I would never say that… because I am selfish and I really need you to be with me._

So you didn‘t? You didn‘t let me go? So what was then? Why am I feeling free? Why am I feeling released from something? Why I am feeling so much hope right now. A hope that you really need me, not just because I can walk again. But because I am your part? You are the one who has my soul, right? Take it... I am giving it to you. I don‘t need my soul because it always belonged to you. From the moment when you said that you will be my coach until now. I can‘t cry from sadness anymore because you made me happy. Because of you, I am alive. Because of your selfish actions, I can be here. Stand on the ice and spin, spin so hard, that I can‘t see anything. Everything is turning into the colors. Bright colors, not dark. I can see the end of it. A huge one, I am reaching it, the light. The light that only you can give to me. The light in the heart. Is it here? I took a deep breath like drowning in the water and jumped doing Tuck Axel. You can be mad, because of it. But I am reaching... I am almost there.

„Axel Tuck and quadruple Flip combination! It’s just jeez… sorry, it’s just a tear, give me a moment. Ahm… I mean… we just saw Yuuri’s signature from the old times and amazing combination with that flip entering from the back. I don’t… I don’t really know what to say… more. I hope it’s the end because our hearts just can’t hold this tense anymore. Katsuki is holding us with his performance.”

_Yuuri, you have to dance not just with your legs, dance with a body, dance with your arms, dance with your heart. Feel it. It‘s not visible. The dance is inside you._

Right…. It’s inside me. The hope. I don’t see it, but I can feel that everything is going to be alright from now on. I just have it. Nobody can change that. I believe in everything. I want to believe. Because I am here and it’s happening now. So take it. Feel it. Feel the Happiness. Feel the Overcome. Feel the Pain. Fell the Eternity. I don’t need it anymore because I already have everything. I don’t need to try because I just reached it. My purpose. My destiny. It’s here. FEEL IT!

“Quadruple Salchow, quadruple Lutz, quadruple Flip and triple loop combination, he has nailed all his jumps!!! What… we. Just. Saw. Really. Katsuki just gave us everything with…. This…. Oh, my. Can somebody just finish this for me... I am done really. That was…”

I started spinning and sliding slower and then suddenly stopped and kneeled. Kneeled in front of everyone here. That was hope. H.O.P.E. Happiness Overcomes the Pain for Eternity. I wasn’t the one who felt it, right? I closed my face and music stopped. There was no sound. I didn’t hear anything. Calm. Everyone is quiet.

  
After a few seconds, I finally opened my face and started wiping last tears. There was a still deadly quiet. Was it so bad? I looked at the audience. People were… standing. Standing… a lot of them with their mouth covered with palms or hiding their faces. Crying. Did they hear my story? I opened my mouth from astonishment. I couldn’t move. I still was kneeling on the ice. Someone of the people started clapping and after him everyone else. Something exploded so suddenly that my heart stopped. They started screaming so loudly, throwing flowers and toys on the ice and I was just looking at every of them. I couldn’t see their faces very well. But I could hear my name from their lips, I could feel how their heart now belongs to me. They felt it. All of them. I slowly took one flower in my hand and kissed it.

Thank you.

* * *

 

“Yuuri!!! Oh my god, Yuuri… I don’t have words! I just… YUURI!” As soon as I slid from the rink Ana just bumped into me so hard, that I almost fell back on the ice again. She was crying so loud and sobbing and even choking. I hugged her back and kissed her forehead. It’s alright… I saw here Christophe who was trying to hide the fact that he also cried.  He pretended that something got into his eye. Alexey smiled to me, his lips were trembling I reached him with my hand and the boy came closer. I took him into my arms. He didn’t have to speak. Somehow I did it. I still couldn’t believe it… holding twins in my arms felt good. Now it should be fine. Victor wasn’t here, but I was still dancing for him. I hope he knew that.

“Let’s go to see the results,” Christophe said and I let go Ana and Alexey, the girl was still crying, holding her brother’s hand now. I gave them a smile and put on my skates protectors that Chris gave to me. We went together to kiss&cries. “Yuuri… I have never seen anything like this before.” He said and I shrugged. Maybe. I couldn’t talk. I lost my voice. I was happy but sad at the same time. At least it’s over…. The results don't matter now.

“Katsuki Yuuri.” There was another man speaking, his voice was quieter, but I think the last one is still sobbing somewhere in the corner. I hope he will be alright. By commenting my jumps he lived through every move. It should be hard. My heart was still beating like crazy and I was tired, not even talking about my head which hurt like I just crashed into the wall. So results? “The results are… 238,76 for his free program!!! It’s a new world record! He got 140,54 for technical part and 98,22 for the performance. It’s just… what the world didn’t expect this. In total Yuuri now has 320,11 and he is currently in the first place! Wonderful! Congratulations!”

Chris suddenly hugged me so hard that it must have hurt even for him, he was shouting and screaming something. I was frozen. What? New world record in free program? I don‘t... I don‘t... Jeez. I don‘t know what to say. I closed my face with palms and let the tears just flow. This time not because of the performance. It was because I was feeling so strong and so weak now. I don‘t know what to say... I don‘t know how to react. I just... I am so lost. I am without my place... somewhere in the middle of nowhere.

“Yuuri.” The voice. The strong one, who was calling. The voice with so much love and warmth. My home. I want to go home. I raised my head, opening face and he was here. Next to the bench, with that serious face but his eyes were shining. They were shining like a blue ice, like a sky, with the hope in it. Did he also feel it? I jumped. I jumped so fast on my feet that even Chris almost fell down. I jumped suddenly and without any control. I didn’t care that the world is watching at me. I don’t care at all.

I was safe. Wrapped my arms around his waist and pressed my face to his chest. The smell is strong, it’s so mine. I won’t ever let him go. Never. This is where I belong.

“You never fail to surprise me.” He said just for me, rubbing my ear with his sweet voice. It feels good. It feels like a hope.


	29. Chapter 29. Yuuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Don’t take off your shoes, we are leaving to the airport in ten minutes.” I froze and sighed, making a serious face. No, really. What the hell? He just got here and we are going home? How about making love? Or for example... how about dinner or walking around the center of Rome? Isn’t Rome considered as Love city? I couldn’t understand. Somehow my serious face didn’t have such effect on him as I wanted, Victor smiled, like knowing something that I didn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey ho!
> 
> It's not Friday! And it's not even Thursday, but I am here! I finished my essay yesterday so I decided to give you new chapter now, before my last exam. Let's call this a gift because the last episode of YOI is coming today (OH NO TT_TT)  
> To tell the truth, after the last chapter this one looks really weak :D but like I said that chapter was main... until now. Let's call it hot spot chapter, a little bit spin of the main story. But here we are getting back on drama. And there are still some things that I almost missed... so yeah, drama drama dramaaaa...  
> The next chapter will be from Victor's side: we will get back to the day when Yuuri got back his memories and then jumping to the present day, seeing how Victor takes care of Yuuri who caught the flu :3 Prepare yourself for a really long chapter... I mean double long than usual. Really :D
> 
> And people... I MEAN. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.... THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THAT HUGE AMOUNT OF SUPPORT... thank you for feels, emotions, and EVERYTHING. Thank you for staying with me, thank you for sharing. You really made me cry so much from happiness. This work would be worthless without you! I am deadly serious. I love you so much! My heart really belongs to you <3 
> 
> Love you million times to the moon and back,  
> Vitavili <3
> 
> P.s. I just couldn’t believe that I made it so far. It was the final of Grand Prix 2018. I made it, it was my third time here. The first time (in 2016) I won silver ----> this is quote from the first chapter. I was right!!! Omg omg!!! That's just creepy :D

I am feeling so small in his arms, I feel like nothing and at the same time someone really important. The world record, ice skating, people around me - everything was gone. I couldn’t do anything just press my body against his more and more, holding on his sweater so strong that even my fingers became pale white. I wasn’t crying anymore, I forgot what shock I got just a few minutes ago when I heard about results. When his sweet voice reached my ear, I couldn’t understand the meaning, I heard just a song. Eight days were like eight years, he had to be here today in the morning but it feels like morning was ages ago. I missed him. I missed him so much. He was still talking about something but I didn’t even move my head, just sighed. Sorry, I can’t hear you and I won’t let you go now to hear that. You should also hold me and make everything else around disappear. _You gave me more than I ever wanted. I love you, Yuuri. I am here… it’s alright now… I will stay with you… calm down, love._ In general, he was talking those words which meaning I started to understand just later when I was sure that it’s not a dream anymore. He was kissing my ear, hair, cheeks. With his soft lips warming up my body. And just then I understood that I am trembling. Really, not from sadness, just from all these emotions, it’s hard to understand everything that happened from the moment when I stepped to the ice rink. I still need some time to calm myself down.

“You asshole Victor, where have you been, the poor boy was going insane.” It was Christophe who finally got up from the bench, I couldn’t see his face, but I was sure that he is killing Victor with his gaze. Victor is his name, for some time it was a purpose of my life and now he got a name again. I am trying to get back to myself. Anyway, it doesn’t matter anymore. He is here now, that's most important thing.

“Wow, you are the one who should talk. Someone forgot to leave me VIP card to the backstage guards, so I had to run around the building to get here, I saw everything from other side and then one of organizers who I know let me here.” He was explaining everything, rubbing my back and hair at the same time. Victor was talking not just for him but also for me. So he saw everything, it wasn’t in vain, he also felt the same I was feeling while dancing. I was sure about that. Victor was also full of emotions, it’s just he was able to control them, not like me. I almost heard how Chris said _shit_. So it’s his fault. I wish I could turn around now and say something, but I couldn’t move my arms. It’s not enough.

“I am sorry, we would like to take interview from mister Katsuki” that was a women’s voice speaking and Victor let me go, but I didn’t. I will never let him go. Literally. I will hold him until we become one. Victor was the only one who could understand me now. Of course, he did, after seeing that I am not moving he started laughing.

“Hahaha, he is just full of emotions, it’s not like you break the world record every day. He will talk with you later.” Victor warped one arm around my shoulders and started going. I went with him, still pressing my face against his chest. I don’t really care where we are going, I was ready to go to the end of the world with him. Oh my, something really happened to me after that performance. “Love, will you let me see your face?” he stopped somewhere but I just shook my head. I am not moving. “So how will I give you a present?” A present? One second and I was already looking at him. With my eyes still full of tears, I couldn’t even see his face very clear.

Victor kissed me. If I could call this a simple kiss, it’s not even a present… it’s something that I couldn’t explain. Once his soft and moist lips touched mine I felt the _happiness_ in it, Victor’s lips were smiling, I felt how his heartbeat is going through my chest. I slowly opened my mouth and let his tongue inside, Victor was so careful like trying to _overcome_ some kind of barrier inside me. Despite that, I was able to sense him everywhere… on my tongue, on my teeth, exploring my mouth, trying to find something new that I didn’t know. I couldn’t kiss him like this, not just because I don’t have any talent for that, but because my heart just started to melt from Victor’s cold fingers gently touching my face. That feels so good. At the moment I thought this, he suddenly grabbed my face so hard, that I moaned from the _pain_ , he started to kiss me passionately and hard, pressing his lips so strongly that I couldn’t breathe anymore. I grabbed his sweater between my fingers even harder than before, so hard that even my nails started to hurt, but he didn’t stop, Victor was ripping me apart with his lips moves and I could just stand here so powerless, letting those short painfully pleasant sounds. He stopped. Just as suddenly as started. I was shivering and breathing fast, now even more tired than after my performance. He gave me a small kiss once, then a second one and I again let the sound from my lips, but he didn’t stop giving me those small but sweet kisses. I just thought to myself that he could do this _eternally_. But finally, Victor pressed his forehead against mine. My face between his fingers was blushing more and more. For God’s sake… he just danced my whole free program in my mouth. Giving me the same emotions I felt on the ice. He is still million times better than me, no matter where.

“That was a wonderful present,” I said quietly my first words to him, Victor smiled and hugged me again I pressed my cheek against his chest, to the spot where the heart was. It’s still beating the same, just for me. Everything is alright. “You are not allowed to leave me ever again,” I said to him or to his heart, it doesn’t matter.

“I haven‘t. You just showed this to the whole world. I am always with you.” I haven’t thought about that. He is right… I just showed my naked soul to everyone. Victor was, is and always will be my hope. Now everyone else has to find this in somebody.

Finally, somehow I was able to let him go, we still haven’t talked about so many things, I haven’t asked why he didn’t pick up his phone, he didn’t tell me about his last heart check results, at last… I haven’t told him about my failure yesterday. We didn’t have time for that because now I was in the center of attention. I will be honest, somehow I didn’t feel good about that. After every emotion I gave to everyone here, I felt tired. All I wanted is to go back to hotel room and spend all evening with Victor. But I had to smile and nod every time when someone asked me if I am happy. It’s a part of my job, I mean I can’t just tell everyone that I don’t have energy for that. It may look simple thing to smile, but it’s also hard work, look happy everywhere and always.

So, I won gold. Nobody was surprised, no one of other skaters didn’t get even close to my result. Phichit won silver and bronze was given to a boy which name I didn’t know. Just when I took my golden medal into my hand's people stood up and started applauding. I smiled, I smiled so hard, that my cheeks started to hurt, but this time I was honest, everyone gave their feels to me, giving back my strengths. Phichit hugged me and my eyes were again full of happy tears. I know, I still have a long way to go, but it was a great start.

 

  
While we were driving in the taxi I was holding on Victor again, I will never get enough of his body warmth, of his beating heart and touches. Since Alexey and Ana were going with us, we didn’t talk much, just some not really important stuff. I didn’t care about any dinner in the center of Rome or going for a walk together later. I wanted to lock Victor in our hotel room and feel all his love just for me. Just thinking about that made me excited, even feeling his lips on my forehead all the way to the hotel made some parts of my body heat up. I need love. I need him. Right now.

“Makkachin???” I gasped from surprise when our huge poodle jumped on me as soon as I opened our room door. When? How? I was still in shock, but Makkachin didn’t care he tried to lick my face, wagging his tail and letting out happy sounds. I was rubbing his head, trying to calm him down, but at the same time looking at Victor. How our dog got here?

“I got back home yesterday in the evening and decided to take him here. He was so lonely…. I couldn’t leave him there.” Victor leaned forward to Makkachin and gave a kiss on his nose, then walked to the bathroom. That’s not the point, of course, I was happy seeing our dog here, but… we are going back to Moscow tomorrow so why then… he didn’t come right to me? Or maybe Victor wants to stay here longer?

“So that’s why you didn’t pick up your phone?” this question should have been a simple one, but actually it sounded more like an accusation. At least, he could have called me from Moscow. I didn’t want to fight, not after our emotional reunion. I sat on the bed and started taking off my shoes, but then Victor came out from the bathroom holding my toothpaste and toothbrush in his hand. It’s going too far…

“Don’t take off your shoes, we are leaving to the airport in ten minutes.” I froze and sighed, making a serious face. No, really. What the hell? He just got here and we are going home? How about making love? Or for example... how about dinner or walking around the center of Rome? Isn’t Rome considered as Love city? I couldn’t understand. Somehow my serious face didn’t have such effect on him as I wanted, Victor smiled, like knowing something that I didn’t. “I left my phone in Switzerland by accident, they will send it to me.” After giving me explanation he gone missing in the bathroom again.

“Victoooooor, what’s going oooon?” I stood up and went towards the bathroom. Why we have to go home now? Why it’s so important? Victor was packing my things I left today here. He knew me well, I was the one who always leaves stuff around. I came closer to him and wrapped my hands around Victor’s waist. How should I show him what I want now? It’s so strange that doesn’t want the same.

“Yuuri…” Victor spoke and I started reaching his lips. “What was with that Tuck Axel in your performance? I think we talked about that.” Are you fucking serious right now? At the moment I didn’t think about anything, including that Victor can say something about that. I know that he doesn’t like me doing that jump… but. Why is he saying this now? I let him go before he said anything about my yesterday’s failure. Fine. Good. Let it be. Let’s go home.

We had just hand luggage, that’s why we went right to the gates, Victor went with Makkachin somewhere and I was waiting on the bench. Something is not right. He looked so happy after my performance, we haven’t seen each other for more than a week, but he looks so calm. Is he really that mad about that Axel? I was trying so hard… I didn’t do it on purpose. I don’t like when Victor is not telling me something, he should talk to me. The worst part of this could be bad results of his heart check… but I was trying to think that it’s just about my performance. It’s good that flight to Moscow is not that long, after four hours we should already be at home… It’s just I haven’t told anyone that we are leaving. I should at least write a message. When Victor came back, I started doing that, that’s why I haven’t raised my head, Victor had tickets so I just gave my passport to the stewardess, not even looking at her. After I finished the last message to Phichit we were already sitting on the plane. Victor let me sit next to the window, but this didn’t help me to lift the mood, I couldn’t understand why he is smiling like a sunshine in this kind of situation.

“Welcome aboard Alitalia Airway flight 255 non-stop to Tokyo.” I was looking through the window, thinking about sunny Rome that we have to leave so fast. It must be raining in Moscow right now, autumns and winters are so cold, snowy… and what? WHAT? I suddenly raised my head and looked at stewardess then at Victor. Tokyo? Are we going to Japan? My heart started beating so fast and at the same time, I covered my mouth with palms. Japan… oh, my I didn’t… I didn’t expect that…

“Surprise,” Victor said with a smile on his face and laid his head on my shoulder, I was still frozen but everything inside me started to heat so fast. “From the Tokyo, we will have a direct flight to Fukuoka.” He talked again after a few moments of silence. I was still thinking about this… Japan. Home… I am going back… I haven’t been there more than 5 years…

“Do you know… how much I love you…” just when the plane started moving I spoke. This still was incredible. Now everything makes sense: why we were in such a hurry to leave and why Victor didn’t tell me anything. Like always, I was thinking about the worse, but he… Victor would never do anything to hurt me, right? He is always doing everything for me.

“As soon as we get to bed, I will kiss every inch of your body.” He turned his head a little bit and kissed my chin, I blushed but smiled at the same time. That collection of lubricants would be really useful for this night.

 

  
After speaking about everything including yesterday, his heart check and the ring, I finally was able to fall asleep. This week was hard for us, but finally, when Victor is next to me, I was able to relax. I gave the ring back to him. First of all, it was his ring, not mine and the second thing, I may won gold in this competition, but we promised to get married after I win Grand Prix. Funny thing that I didn’t know if Victor took this seriously, but he wasn’t surprised at all when I gave back the ring. Maybe he had enough surprises today. Or maybe he was feeling guilty that he lied about rings in the first place. After hearing that doctor said that for now, everything is alright with his heart, I felt how something sharp what was squeezing my heart all this time, let it go and I began to breathe easier. And about yesterday… well, we both understood the real reason of that failure, now we just had to make sure that it won’t repeat again. In this long flight, I had a dream… a dream that we finally have a happy life together.

It was raining when we landed in Tokyo, but until the flight to Fukuoka there was just about 20 minutes left, so we waited inside the airport. I was a little bit worried about Makkachin, thinking that maybe we should spend the night in Tokyo, but from the other side, I wanted to go home as soon as possible. It was strange. I mean everything around… written in Japanese, people talking around in my language I was already used to see and hear Russian. At the same time, my heart was jumping inside my chest, I was holding on Victor’s hand so strong like a child who didn’t want to get lost. Really, I am not worth a man like Victor…

How does it feel to come back home after such long time? The feeling was different from that time when I came back from Detroit. Maybe because of so many things that happened to me, to us… and I felt like I haven’t been here since childhood. When we came to Hatsetsu it was already 3 a.m. but my mother was still waiting for us, of course, Victor must have told her that we are coming. I bowed to her, but she suddenly hugged me, I didn’t expect that. I guess I was missed more than they showed to me. Even without any words she gave us a key from a smaller house next to the main one with one bedroom, bathroom and even separated kitchen. I guess it was enough for her to see that I am alive, she left us and went back to sleep. Damn… I wish I could just go to the hot springs right now, but we were both tired and poor Makkachin wasn’t feeling so well after the long flight.

“I am going to shower first,” I said yawning and rubbing my eyes with hands, Victor was looking how Makkachin is drinking water, I hope that tomorrow he will be feeling better. I swear I almost fell asleep in the shower. When I came back to the bedroom Victor wasn’t there. After I sat on the bed, I heard sounds coming from the kitchen. Alright… I will just lay my head of a second on the pillow. At least, I thought like that.

It’s warm and a little bit wet. Despite that I feel this on my right knee, it was giving pleasant chills through all my body. Tickles. I slowly opened my eyes, with a hand reaching something that is making me feel like that. Soft and smooth, it’s hair… I suddenly opened my eyes widely fully awake, looked down. Victor’s lips were on my knee kissing all those scars, counting them with his tongue. My heart jumped so fast and I let the sound from my mouth.

“Love, you can sleep, I will make myself some good time here…” his deep voice went from the lower part of my body right to the heart. Right, if I could possibly sleep now. I didn’t feel how he started kissing me, obviously, Victor was doing this for some time right now, because the towel from my hips was gone somewhere and on my left leg Victor already left some kissing marks. How haven't I felt this? My right leg might be more sensitive than any other part of the body, except for one. As soon as I saw and felt what Victor is doing, my cock started getting harder. Oh, my…

“Vic-tor…” I let the deep sigh, trying to pull his hair, giving him a sign to come closer, but he just smiled and bit my knee. I flinched from the pain and of that strong feeling below my stomach. He was not joking, he wants to kiss every inch of my body, but I wasn’t sure if I can handle that… just after few seconds, it started to feel more like torturing… of course, more from the good side. Still, my body was giving all the possibly signs how it missed Victor’s touch. I know… I know it myself even without trembling fingers between his hair and painfully pleasant tense between my legs.

I looked at the ceiling and moaned louder when Victor’s lips started climbing up, giving kisses to every spot on my thigh, he is so close… just please move your lips a little bit to the side. Those pervert thoughts should have made me feel embarrassed, but not now, not like that. Actually, I wanted to scream, to shout so loud until my mouth becomes dry, but all I could do was let out those silent moans, reaching my limit. Victor skipped the part I wanted him to kiss the most, right away jumping to my abs, his hot tongue was leaving a long and wet path on my skin, making me feel all lines I have on my body. Finally, I was able to reach his back, I pressed my fingers strongly against his skin, feeling muscles under them. Victor’s wet hair was tickling my chest, but even this move made me excited. As soon as I was able to reach the towel on him and remove it from my lover’s body, I felt how his cock rubs mine. Victor’s erection was as strong as mine. How is he able to resist? I couldn‘t hold the sounds, louder moans which were getting more and more impatience.

“Your voice is really beautiful…” I couldn’t understand is he teasing me or not. One way or another he was perfect at doing them both. Victor was leaving marks everywhere he could: on my waist, chest and arms… like someone could have ever thought of taking away me from him. This is me, who should be afraid of this. Could I also leave marks on his body?

“Do-n’t lea-ve visi-ble mar-ks…” I begged silently when Victor started kissing my neck. My voice wasn’t strong and I even turned my head a little bit, that he could reach skin better. Actually, I wanted those marks… I wanted him to leave everything on me, give his whole soul and make me complete. Of course, Victor didn’t listen to my bubbling. He just made me feel him in every single part of my body, but I wanted more. Even more than before, so when I saw that Victor’s lips starts sliding down again, I grabbed his face and kissed his lips hard. Forget that blowjob, give me your body.

Viktor Nikiforov, the man who is always prepared for any type of change. I don’t have any idea where that lubricant in his hand came from, but after few minutes when he began to put one slippery finger into my hole, I lifted my body and sighed from pleasure still kissing him. I am melting… I am so full of Victor and despite that I want even more. Second finger and my body started trembling.

“Put it in… put it in… put it in…” I moved my lips away and the words just came out. My cheeks were burning and the whole body almost itching from the tense. “Victor… please… ple-ase…” I was almost crying feeling those two fingers moving inside me, they were driving me crazy, but not enough to reach climax. He didn’t listen I could feel that he is smiling while kissing and gently biting my chin. I really tried to be patient, but everything has limits. He can’t understand how badly I want him, it’s not a game anymore. I really need him inside me. I grabbed his hand and tried to pull out those fingers from my ass, with another hand reaching Victor’s cock.

“Such a pervy…” he silently laughed and I wanted to bit that tongue of his, make him shut up. I am not a pervert one here. I just simply want to feel where I belong again. Victor gave up, he didn’t have another choice, after seeing that I am getting so impatient. He entered me fast and I let the gasp out, that took everything from me. Yes, that’s what I wanted. “Welcome back.” He giggled holding his lips on my burning cheek and I wrapped my hands around his neck. That’s it… That’s everything that I need. You giving me the feeling that everything is alright, making me feel that you need me with all whole body. Bringing me back to life.

**2021, October 20.**

Japan is a great country I swear, I love it. But even here sometimes unexpected things happens. I should have known that. I mean our home is next to the sea, so the rain is a pretty regular thing, but you can’t be always prepared for this, right? It was already dark outside when I was walking with Makkachin. He was sniffing everything around and I started getting cold. Before leaving Victor told me to take my coat, but I didn’t listen, I thought that I will be out just for a few minutes, but it felt like a whole hour.

“Can you sniff faaaaaster…?” I begged, jumping on the spot, with arms wrapped around my waist. Just after my words, I felt a first rain drop falling from the sky. Just great. That’s the last thing I need right now. “Leeet’s go home. It’s starting to rain.” I wanted to take Makkachin’s collar into my hand, but he suddenly moved from me and started running to the other side of the street. It’s not a time to play! “Makkachin! I will tell Victor that you are not listening to me!” I shouted running after him, the rain got really heavy. Huge drops were falling faster and faster, my glasses started to sweat and I couldn’t see anything. Shit.

The car's lights came from nowhere. I don’t understand how this happened, but one moment I was running and the then I heard the beep. I jumped back, but it was too late. The car stopped but still bumped into me, I fell and rolled through the wet road. Oh my… oh jeez. What the hell was that? What happened? I was lying with cheek pressed against the ground, feeling how cold rain is washing my body. I am alive. I mean… despite the fact that my heart was beating like crazy, I wasn’t hurt. I just couldn’t move from the shock.

“I am so sorry! Are you alright?” I heard a man’s voice when I started getting up. Shit… that was so scary. I almost peed myself… he is blind or what?! Why this jackass was driving without lights turned on! I stood up and looked at my hands. There were some few scratches, but it’s alright. Nothing serious. I just can’t believe.

“For God sake! Do you watch on the road while driving?!” I shouted at that stupid man and he came closer. I was almost ready to kick his ass, but I stopped once I saw who he was.

I remember him as someone who was always crying for his mommy and never had a lot of friends, he was different. But now… I couldn’t stop myself from thinking that he is the most beautiful man I have ever seen after Victor. He was tall and well built, with dark eyes and strong face features. Water was falling down on his face making him look like a model from wet t-shirt commercial, he raised one hand moving wet hair from his eyes and I felt how my body started relaxing. The rain was purring non-stop, Makkachin was sitting next to the street waiting for me and all I could do was stare.

“Yuuri... is that you?!” he asked and I stepped back. That’s bad. The first thought came to my mind: I can’t let him meet Victor.

 


	30. EXTRA. Victor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Good morning Victor!” Phichit voice like always was so energetic. Would he talk like that If I called him in the middle of the night? Just curious. Alright, it’s not about that.
> 
> “Phiiiichit, you need to help me… Yuuri has a fever, I don’t know what to do. I think it might be cold or even the flu. Should I call a doctor? But I don’t speak Japanese….” I was talking fast at the same time searching for some small towel, I already had the thermometer in my hand. There was a silence for a few seconds, he was thinking about something. I hope he will just give me a magical solution.
> 
> “Alright! I know! I will send you something, if you read everything there and do as it says Yuuri will get better in no time. Poor boy, give him a hug from me!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loooooooveeeeees,
> 
> Meeeh, In the end, the chapter is not that long... :/ sorry, I really did my best :/  
> Also, please pay attention to the date of the action. First one is when Yuuri got his memories back, then the second: the day after Yuuri was hit by the car and the last one after one month!  
> In chapter 31 we will go back to the day when Yuuri was hit by that new unknown dude. (Haruki, right?)
> 
> I hope you will like this chapter!! I really put a lot of love from Victor's side! <3 Spread the love, babies <3 <3 <3
> 
> I already spread my love so much <3 <3  
> Vitavili <3

**2021, September 14.**

Even if he thought that I didn’t hear how he runs through the corridor with his skate’s blades making sounds that equal to the elephant steps, he was wrong. Both I and Yurio closed our mouths when we heard the noise. So Yuuri now knows everything. I didn’t want him to learn about this kind of thing like that. I was waiting for that moment when he will be ready to hear everything, but it never came. Somehow after losing his memories Yuuri changed, I couldn’t tell if those changes were more good or bad. I guess both. Now he had a lot more confidence in himself but from another side he was lost. I couldn’t imagine what it means to lose all your memories like you have never existed before. I love him. I love him with my whole broken sick heart, I can’t change that. But… I wanted to give him a chance to feel again because if he really loved me, his heart will remember and that may heal him. I wanted to believe this… He was always with me and as long as I could hold Yuuri besides me, I was alright that he doesn’t love me back. I was ready to give everything to him when I will see what he wants. I won’t expect anything back. Really. My soul belongs to Yuuri and he will feel this one day. He will remember. That’s why I was trying to act normally, that he would have a view of our real life in the past. Of course, on cold nights without him next to me, I was sad… it’s hard to control that pain in the heart when the person who you want to touch the most is right in the other room, but… I couldn’t show my sadness to Yuuri, because he could have understood that something is wrong, that’s why just the ice knew my true sorrow because of this situation.

But Yuuri heard that we were a couple before he lost his memories so all my plan “feel the love again” was in vain. I really wanted to punch Yurio for not being able to shut his mouth, he should just take care of his things with Otabek and stay from my business as far as he can. I knew that probably Yuuri will run to the other bathroom and cry his eyes out, I didn’t want to disturb him from thinking about everything, I hoped that after that he will come to talk (he didn’t know that I heard). But Yuuri did what I expected last from him in this situation, that message just killed me. How could he just go somewhere by himself after everything that happened? I respect his independence, but this was just too much. Yuuri can’t be alone. I tried to call him, getting really mad at the same time, but he didn’t pick up even after the tenth time. So now... I am at home, hopelessly waiting for any sign from him, at the same time feeling how my heart is going crazy and everything in my mind is turning over. What was I doing? I was writing that fucking letter… the letter how much I love him and hate that I love him at the same time. I haven’t been doing this since he came back to me, but after Yuuri lost his memories… I couldn’t stop myself from writing again. Could I call it a mental illness? Some kind of form to keep that smile on my face? My hand was sliding writing letter after letter, word after word and then I stopped when I heard a bump in the corridor.

It’s him. I don’t know how I felt this. I just knew. I was already waiting in front of the door even before he found keys from it. Holding arms crossed against my chest I tried to look calm enough but to be honest, I was burning all inside. How to hold me from crying and shouting at the same time, when he enters? Unless I will see his red and teary eyes, I will be mad at him. That’s the only thing which could calm me down. But I think Yuuri even without his memories just can’t stop surprising me.

“Where the fuck have you been?! Do you have any idea how worried I was?!” At the end, I couldn’t hold my voice, all emotions just came outside and I started shouting. I don’t like shouting, but he just doesn’t stop hurting me. And here goes the surprise. He was drunk. Like totally drunk, almost not came in but fell. That’s it. Really. Too much. “Have… you been drinking?” I asked silently, in shock almost forgetting that I am mad. Yuuri is not like that at all. I didn’t move even when he wrapped his arms around my neck and I felt the alcohol smell coming from his mouth as he talks. It’s not him… it’s not him…

“Hey… Victor… will you sleep with me tonight? Will you fuck with me... like we used to do it... when we were lovers?” He was talking right into my ear, making chills go through my spine, but the feeling wasn’t pleasant, more like torturing. I closed my eyes… I can’t cry, even if something inside me is giving me that horrible pain. When Yuuri touched my skin with his tongue I felt that every second it becomes more and harder to breathe. I can’t. Not like that.

“No. I won’t.” Of course, I won’t, why should I? That after everything you will just forget what happened again? Yuuri, you really like ripping me apart, right? I may look strong in front of you, but you don’t have any idea… that you are my weak spot. Only you can make me feel like this. Then he started playing again, like a child asking me that painful question "why?". Oh, only if I could tell him the truth. Only if it would help... I moved my head that he won’t be able to reach my lips. I don’t have strength to pull him away from me...

“You don’t have any idea what I am feeling, don’t you? You just left and didn’t pick up your phone… it’s so easy for you always do the same… you just like leaving me alone, going somewhere and making me go insane thinking about you. I hate… I hate when you do that.” Finally, I said this, my voice was so different than usual, trembling. I am losing him right now. I don’t see my Yuuri in him. This one would do anything to hurt me on purpose. Because it’s fun for him, because he doesn’t have any idea what it means to me. Now I was talking in vain… he is just too drunk to hear the real meaning in my words.

“You were scared that somebody will kidnap me again? Then show me how mad you are… Shoooow meee…” Oh my, God, I wish I was still in that room, locked under million locks. Not hearing him, not seeing how he turns my pain in this fucking game, how he plays with my feelings. Kidnap…. That sounds fun?? Right? It’s like I was born just to be searching and reaching for Yuuri. He will never understand what I feel. He will never understand that fighting for him was all I ever know…

“I said no. You are drunk. Just go to sleep.” Somehow I was able to speak, but I was at my limit of starting crying or just taking Yuuri into my arms and try to make this dumbass who took his body go away. But he just gave more pain to my ass. Turn off that drama queen mood, please. Fuck. I almost didn’t hear what he shouted at me, but when he started running towards the room where I left all my letters right on the desk. I suddenly got scared.

“Yuuri! Stop stop stop stop!” I started running after him, but he didn’t want to hear me. “Yuuri, don’t!” Of course, I was too late. His drunk and crazy brains just wanted to go against the system. As soon as he opened the door and got in, I gave up. Maybe he won’t see those letters… and I was right, as soon as Yuuri saw photo album, he didn’t see anything else. Good. Great. I was watching at this photo album yesterday, remembering some things from the past, like it didn’t hurt enough already. I just had to remind me… to be patient. Because my Yuuri will definitely return to me. One day. Obviously not today. Because tomorrow he won’t remember anything… like the last time. I sighed and sat next to him on the couch. He would have seen this sooner or later, I mean the worst part he already knows.

He was watching at those photos without saying a word, but then stopped and looked at one longer than at others. Rings… he asked about them and I got lost. That’s a trippy question, should I say _Oh nothing we were just engaged_ or _hahaha, I still have them next to my bed. Want to try if they still fit?_ I wish. I can’t hurt him even more that he is now. That’s not good. I am not a person who plays with feelings. So I just explained everything in a simple way. I lied… but Yuuri believed. Of course, he would have believed me even if I say that pigs can fly. Is he somewhere there? My naïve baby? Question about wheelchair wasn’t that hard, here I said what I knew… mostly. But again I had to run away from the direct answer, I mean I can’t tell him: _Oh nothing… you just left me and went to that shitty village in the middle of nowhere, but it’s alright, I mean my heart is already dying, so whatever._

“Will we get married if I win gold in this year’s Grand Prix final?” After this question, I got thrown back from my thoughts so suddenly that I could just sit and stare at Yuuri for a few moments with my mouth opened widely. You poor drunk boy… what are you talking about?

“Yuuri, you are drunk… Let’s just go to-“

“WILL YOU MARRY ME IF I WIN THAT FUCKING GOLD?!” Oh, Jeez. He is so serious about this. For God sake, you just learned that we were a couple and now you are asking about marriage? Don’t play like that… don’t make fun of this. It’s not…. Our love was real… it was fucking real and you are turning everything upside down.

“I will,” I said more like to calm him down, not like I really believed that he truly wants this. He finally admitted that he heard me and Yurio talking in the bathroom. Of course, I knew that and I didn’t pretend that I am surprised. It was harder to answer his question later… so why I haven’t told him. I know that it wasn’t fair… but I… just loved him so much. I always wanted Yuuri to be happy even it means that I am not the person who can make him smile. We belonged together and I won’t be able to love anyone else again because I already gave too much of myself for him. This time I told him real truth, not hiding anything even not pretending that it doesn’t hurt. I love you, Yuuri. I will always love you.

“But how about your happiness?” after I heard this question something broke inside me. My happiness? What is that? I haven't thought about this for such a long time. I don’t have much time left for happiness… I don’t need it as long as he will be happy. Tears just came into my eyes, I didn’t want to cry, but I couldn’t stop. Here it goes again… don’t tell me that… don’t tell that you love me, because… you won’t remember this tomorrow. Don’t promise me something that you won’t be able to fulfill. I just... I want my Yuuri back... I want him... don‘t you fucking dare to play with me again!!!

When I understood what I am doing, we were already both naked lying on the floor. Yuuri’s lip was bleeding and he was crying… my lips were smiling, but actually, I just felt like shit. I don’t understand what happened. One moment everything was alright and then I got so scared and angry at him. But it’s not like that… I don’t want to see his eyes full of tears from the pain. I can’t let myself to hurt him. I need to stop this before is too late. It’s not me… we are not like this.

“You see… the top is the top, you can’t change that. Now go to sleep, don’t worry, tomorrow you won’t remember any of this.” That’s how I tried to show that everything was alright, but as soon as I got up and turned around my face got pale, every single drop of blood was gone from it. I need… I need to go… Just go go go go.

I walked right to the kitchen and drank like three glasses of water, after that I found my pills because the heart was jumping nonstop in the chest. I am sorry… I didn’t want to leave you, Yuuri. But it’s better like this. I can’t… I can’t love you if you don’t remember what strong feelings we had between us if you even don’t remember that I was the only one who was making love to you… It’s so hard… please… please, make this end one day. I want to feel that happiness again. I deserved it and Yuuri also. We both went through so many things. I went back to the living room and looked through the window. It’s September… the autumn already began and no one will stop it. And I am… I feeling lower than the ground and falling down… even deeper than this dark night. And winter nights are so dark and long here…. I don’t want to spend those nights alone… I don’t want to return to the dark.

“VICTOR!” after hearing this scream I flinched. What happened??? Don’t tell me he saw those letters… I totally forgot about them!

“Yuuri? What…” but he didn’t let me finish the sentence, he bumped into me and hugged so hard that it hurt, his whole body was trembling, Yuuri was crying so hard that my heart broke the second time in the same evening. I wanted him to cry for me… but not like that. Were those letters too painful for him? Oh no… Yuuri… my baby. I am sorry… I am so sorry. I hugged him hard and pressed my lips to his ear, how can I calm him down?

“Vi-ct-or… you y-ou sai-d tha-t… tha-t I can go… yo-u sai-d that… I do-n’t have t-o figh-t.” he tried to speak while sobbing so it was so hard to understand. Hm… I don’t remember writing something like that… or maybe? Some of those letters had almost three years. I can’t remember every of them. Or maybe he understood something wrong?

“Shhh… love… shhh…. I would never let you go… I would never say that… because I am selfish and I really need you to be with me.” I kissed his hair and Yuuri nod, all my chest was getting wet from his cries. But it feels so alive. Like he could wash my pain with this. I said to him words I definitely wrote in one of those letters. I don’t know how much did he read, but from the sobbing, it seems that much more than enough.

“I fe-el so dir-ty… so… he h-e wan-ted t-o kil-l me… h-e wa-s mak-ing f-un o-f me…” Wait. What? Who wanted? When? Don’t tell me… I suddenly grabbed his face and made him look right into my eyes, searching for that man I love inside of them.

“You remembered Everything?” I asked after I finally saw what I wanted. The way Yuuri looked at me was different. Even without his nodding, I understood that he knows. He remembers. He was still crying but looked incredibly beautiful and innocent at the same time. The warmth suddenly flew back to my body and from this point of view, the world wasn’t even half as bad as I painted it to be just a few moments ago. “Let me clean you from those bad memories… you don’t need them. You need just me.” Yuuri… Come home. Come back to my arms. You need just me. Remember just me. I won’t let you forget ever again.

**2021, October 21.**

I woke up because I was sweating almost as I was lying next to the heater. Oh my God, usually I get cold in the morning, that’s why I am trying to find Yuuri with my hands to warm me up, but this time he was the one who stuck to me. He was the source of the heat. I slowly opened my eyes and looked at that pure beauty next to me with a smile. Well, I was smiling until I saw the real reason why it’s so hot here. Yuuri’s face was all red, his lips were a little bit opened and he was breathing really slow and hard. I froze for a second and then suddenly jumped, leaning forward to him.

“Yuuri… love, you hear me?” I asked touching his cheek with my palm. It was burning, like all his body. Should… should I get into the panic? Yuuri’s parents were gone for a few days to visit some of their friends in the neighbor city and his sister was somewhere gone with her husband. There was some people in the main house who had to take care of hot springs, but there was nobody who could help me in this situation. “Yuuri…” I tried again because he didn’t even move. He was breathing really hard. I should bring a thermometer to see how bad his fever is and also some towel and cold water. I saw this in one movie. It was the first time, that someone of us got high fever… I really felt lost. And why he is not answering to me?? “Yuuuuuriiiiii….” I shook his shoulder, he finally slowly moved his hand and touched my fingers on the bed. But he didn’t open his eyes.

“I am so cold…” he said with such trembling voice that I needed few seconds to understand the meaning. How can he be cold if he is all burning? Should I put some clothes on him? Oh jeez Christ, I don’t know what to do! I was afraid that he might catch a cold after yesterday, but this looked much more serious. I need to call someone!

“I will be right back… don’t move.” I said as he could move. Yuuri let some painful sound when I moved my hand from his. I am sorry. I am sorry, but I really need to call. I got up from the bed, quickly put on pants which I threw yesterday next to the bed and quickly walked to the bathroom at the same time already searching for the number on my phone.

“Good morning Victor!” Phichit voice like always was so energetic. Would he talk like that If I called him in the middle of the night? Just curious. Alright, it’s not about that.

“Phiiiichit, you need to help me… Yuuri has a fever, I don’t know what to do. I think it might be cold or even the flu. Should I call a doctor? But I don’t speak Japanese….” I was talking fast at the same time searching for some small towel, I already had the thermometer in my hand. There was a silence for a few seconds, he was thinking about something. I hope he will just give me a magical solution.

“Alright! I know! I will send you something, if you read everything there and do as it says Yuuri will get better in no time. Poor boy, give him a hug from me!” I sighed, thank you God for such a friend, when I hung up the phone, I purred some water to a bigger bowl and came back to the room. I put the bowl on the table next to the bed and got back to the bed.

“I am here…” I said, but I don’t think that Yuuri heard me, still I reached his body and lifted a little bit. He is so sweaty… I really need to wash him before putting some clothes on. After Yuuri was lying in better position, I carefully put the thermometer in his mouth under the tongue. “It’s okay… I will just read what Phichit send to me…” I said touching Yuuri’s wet hair. My heart just squeezed so hard. My baby…

I opened the link Phichit send to me: www.victuurifandom.com/post5234433/how-to-take-care-of-Yuuris-cold , even before opening it I understood that something is not right here. Victuuri fandom? Where did I hear this before?

_One day Yuuri got a cold and he was feeling really bad, but his mom had to leave so she left a note to Yuuri’s nanny Victor._ (NANNY???) 

_Dear Victor,_

_Yuuri has a cold. Please take care of him. I leave you some tips what to do:_

_1\. Check temperature. 37 is alright, 38 bad (needs more love)_

_2\. Change his clothes (if he is naked first make love)_

_3\. Put wet towel on his head (before that make sure that you kissed his forehead)_

_4\. Cook 900 kcal breaded pork cutlet bowl (Katsudon). (I know that you suck at cooking it, so chicken soup will be also fine)_

_5\. Make him drink a lot of tea and water (The best way mouth to mouth)_

_6\. Sing to him (don’t forget kisses between pauses)_

_7\. Cuddling_

_8\. Hugging_

_9\. Don’t leave him alone. If you need to go somewhere carry him with yourself._

_10\. Extra love always helps!_

_Mom._

  
What the hell was that? Is he serious? Victuuri! Damn, it’s that fanfiction site that Yuuri told me about long ago. He was not kidding, Phichit was really into it. Should I read something more here? Wait wait, not now. Should I use these tips? Well about some of them I wasn't really sure… like making love right now. It would be more like raping, no? I mean he is not moving. Alright, I don’t have much choice… I will just use some of these. I took out the thermometer from Yuuri’s mouth… please let it be 37… of course not, it was showing 38,7 celsius. That’s bad right? Really bad.

“Alright, love, we will wash you now and then put some clothes, that you won’t be so cold, okay?” I was talking with myself, but that way I could calm down a little bit. Should I carry him to the bathroom? It doesn't seem that he can walk right now. “Coooomeeee…” I wrapped my arms around his body and lifted it taking like a baby. Ooooh, he is heavy. I carried Yuuri to the bathroom, he was murmuring something but I couldn’t understand a thing. I made him sit on a small chair, holding his body with one hand. Yuuri leaned his head against the wall and let the deep sigh… “Does it hurt somewhere…?” I asked while making towel wet and then kneeled in front of him.

“I… want to sit here forever… this wall is so cold.” He again murmured but this time I listened really carefully. Oh, my… so is he cold or hot? I don’t understand. But he can’t sit here, he needs to lie in bed, warm and safe.

“No no, we will go back to bed…” I started gently washing Yuuri with the soft wet towel at the same time looking at his face, to see if it hurts somewhere or something, but he didn’t even flinch. It’s not right… why is he not moving? After washing I carried him back to the bed and made sure that he is lying comfortably then searched for some clothes, like a t-shirt and some light pants. The hardest part was to put them on. I have never had a doll before, so I couldn’t imagine that it will be so hard. I think I got more tired than Yuuri. His body was like a noodle, not listening at all. After I finished this part and also covered him with a clean warm blanket I just laid my head next to Yuuri’s for a second.

“Could… you bring something to drink..?” he asked silently, not murmuring anymore. That’s a good sign, right? I leaned forward and touched his lips with mine. They were dry and hot, I could feel how heat is coming from his mouth. He must be really thirsty, how I didn’t think about this myself? I rushed quickly to the kitchen and came back with a glass full of water. Yuuri was sitting in bed, looking at his legs. It may look normally, but actually, I saw tears in his eyes and that scared me more than it should have.

“Love, what happened? Are you feeling sick?” I sat next to him, and touched Yuuri’s face, he suddenly hugged me and started crying even more. “Tell me… jeez, Yuuri… please.” I wrapped my arms around him and pressed against my chest strongly. His body was trembling.

“You left me…” He started sobbing and I opened my mouth. What? “Did you go to meet him?” he hugged me even harder I was sitting still not really getting what he is talking about. Who is he?

“Who?” I asked, still holding the glass in one hand, that’s why I could rub his back just with one hand.

“Haruki…” Yuuri said even more quietly. Haruki? That one who brought Yuuri and Makkachin back home with his car? That friend from primary school? Why should I meet with him? Well… he seemed really friendly even invited us to his violin concert, but still why Yuuri remembered him now? I couldn’t ask because he fell asleep again while holding me. Such a cutie… really. I laid him back in the bed and put the glass on the table next to him after that put the wet cold towel on Yuuri’s head. Oh, I almost forgot to kiss his forehead. I gave a kiss on his skin and then made sure that towel is in right place.

Oh… I should also rest. That tip list was right. I shouldn’t leave him alone because he will start imagining things. I laid next to Yuuri, but not under the blanket. Makkachin was also lying on the bed, holding his head on Yuuri’s knees. He also feels when we need support. I looked at my phone. Alright, so I did three first steps, so far so good. But how should I make a soup if I can’t get out, but Yuuri is too weak to be with me in the kitchen? And how should I make that chicken soup? Do we even have chicken in the fridge? Oh well… I will think about this later. I hugged Yuuri and put my lips on his cheek. Hold on, love…

“Victor…” I heard a voice and slowly opened my eyes, oh I didn’t even notice that I fell asleep. I raised my head and touched Yuuri’s face with my palm, a little bit better. “Can you give me that glass…?” he asked a little bit embarrassed, but it was hard to say if it’s because of his fever, or because he was feeling too weak to reach the glass.

“Sure, love,” I said taking off the towel from his forehead. Yuuri lifted his head a little bit and I put the glass next to his lips. He didn’t want to drink all of it, but I made him because it’s what the list said. He needs to drink a lot.

“I think… I have a cold…” Yuuri said putting his head back on the pillow. Don’t you say… he hugged me and I moved even closer. I will make him feel better, my poor baby. I will let him take energy from me. I kissed his chin, cheeks, nose, eyes… like it could heal. If we trust that strange list, then cuddling should help. Just not really sure more for me or for him. Yuuri moved closer to me, hiding his nose somewhere in my neck. His breathing was so hot… I put one of my palms on his neck. “Your hand is so cold… it feels good.” He almost begged and all I could do was nod. It's the first time when my cold hands can be useful somewhere.

“Yuuri, are you hungry?” I asked after some time when he woke up again. He was falling asleep and waking up pretty often. That’s like torturing… I should do something more. He needs to eat. I was happy when he let some approval sound from his lips. Good! Let’s go to the kitchen and make something. I wrapped Yuuri’s body in the blanket and lifted him from the bed. Really… he suddenly grabbed me so hard like I was trying to shake him down. He is just too adorable like this. I couldn’t hold myself just kiss his cheek while carrying him to the kitchen.

After I was sure, that Yuuri is sitting comfortably at the table I opened the fridge to see what we have. Oh. There was some pot of soup. I think Yuuri‘s mom left it here yesterday. Sometimes she was helping us with cooking. I almost wanted to cry from happiness. Thank you, Yuuri’s mom! Even I know how to heat the soup.

“I miss you…” I heard Yuuri’s voice, he was sitting, with his head laid on the table, looking at me. I am just two steps from him… Awww... can’t he be even more cuter? I smiled at him from the bottom of my heart and took out the bowl with a soup from the microwave.

“Time to eat.” I sat on the chair next to him and Yuuri lifted his head. His eyes were red and cheeks were still burning. I don’t have any idea why I wanted to cuddle him so much right now. The funniest part of this that I had to feed him with a spoon. He had so slow reaction that I almost started playing catch the plane. “Look Yuuri plane full of soup is coming… brrrrummmm… say aaaaaa.” I was making all road with the spoon full of soup until it reached Yuuri’s lips. Finally, he ate everything even if the last drop of soup I almost begged him to take in. “Yuuuri, please, or plane will be really sad… take it.” he again looked so tired almost sleeping. After carrying him so much everywhere my back will really hurt tomorrow. But I would do it, again and again, any day.

Yuuri was sleeping next to me after I made him drink more water and even a little bit of green tea. Actually, I was proud of myself. Taking care of my lover like a pro. I still have some things left to do like extra love and singing. About last part I wasn’t sure. It doesn’t seem very important, but with love part, we could figure something out. I started kissing his chin then reached lips, I could already feel that temperature went a little bit down. Once I started kissing his lips, Yuuri opened eyes and smiled. You see, love helps. Phichit was right! Jeez, maybe I should use that Victuuri site more?

“How are you feeling?” I asked still giving small kisses on his face and Yuuri grabbed on my shoulders. I was still half naked. Even if his fingers were trembling, I could feel that his touch is stronger than before that made my heart beat faster. He is doing such a good job! I knew that Yuuri is strong. I started kissing him more deeply and that heat inside his mouth which scared me before now was giving me warm waves through all my body.

“Now a little bit dizzy.” He said with the smile and I quickly got under the blanket, hugged him, pressing hard to my body. I know that I am making him dizzy, it’s just wonderful how even after such a long time together he still starts blushing every time I kiss him. I can help him get over his dizziness. Yuuri understood what I will do, but he didn’t stop me. Of course not, let’s be honest he loved me touching him more than anything else in this world. I let him put his head on my chest and slowly started sliding down with my hand, going under his pants, reaching the destination. Yuuri let that cute sound from his lips when I wrapped my fingers around his cock. Even here he was hot.

“Does it feel good?” I put my lips on his hair, Yuuri wrapped his hands around my waist and gave me other sounds, his cheek on my chest was burning again. I took this as _Yes_ , and started moving the hand, closing my eyes and listening to Yuuri’s moans. They are beautiful… always so different and full of emotions. I was the only one who can be so close to him. Yuuri, my darling, my beloved baby, most precious thing of all I have ever had. I will be with you until my last day. I promise… I really can’t live without you. Yuuri started letting louder moans and I smiled. “Come, love… come for me…” I talked right into his ear, silently almost begging and he didn’t have another choice, just listen.

“Victo-oor….” He let the silent gasp with deep sighed reaching his climax. Like that… remember that I am the only one whose name you should say with this cute voice.

In the evening Yuuri’s temperature got again high and I didn’t have another choice just to use the last tip. I was lying next to him, carefully cleaning his sweaty face with a wet towel. Yuuri was breathing hard and deep, time to time saying something similar to my name, like checking if I am still here. Doesn't he trust me? Like I could ever leave him. What should I do… I mean I can’t sing… if only I could replace singing with dance on ice. Even if I know some songs, they are really old Russian lullabies or something really stupid. Or maybe just melody would be enough? Yuuri’s fingers which were holding my hand were a little bit shivering, I think he was cold again. I hugged him and sighed, putting my lips next to his ear. After a few seconds, I started humming the song.

“Stay Close To Me…” he spoke when I finished the song. His voice was weak, but the song reached Yuuri’s heart and he was able to smile. Maybe my singing is not that bad after all? Right… that’s the name of the song. And words I wanted to tell him the most right now.

I really should thank Phichit.

**2021, November 20.**

I was looking for Yuuri everywhere. Our house was a small one, so he couldn't hide here. I looked for him in hot springs, also in the main house, everywhere around. But I just couldn’t find him. He didn’t pick up his phone and this situation was getting strange. It’s too late to be at the ice center, by the way, his shoes were here, so where he went then? I tried to call again, there was a signal, but no response. No really, Yuuri said that he will go to the shop and I laid for a few minutes… then that thing happened. But it doesn’t matter… I need to find him. Suddenly I heard the ringtone coming from the room next to me. I haven’t checked this one… If I remember well, long ago it was Yuuri’s room. Why his phone is here? I slowly opened the door. Yuuri was lying on the bed, with his back turned to the door, and the phone was lying on the floor. Is he sleeping? But why here?

“Yuuri, love… why are you sleeping here? Let’s go to our bed, this room is full of dust.” I smiled walking towards him, sat on the bed and leaned forward to reach his cheek, but then I saw something on it. Tears. Yuuri was silently crying, not even making a sound or blinking, tears were falling down his face. I froze for a second. “Yuuri… what happened…?” I tried to move him and turn around but Yuuri moved his shoulder giving me a sign not to touch him. Something got stuck in my throat. Is it about the Grand Prix final? Does he start to get nervous?

“Hey… Victor… Let’s break up.” His voice wasn’t trembling, words cut through the air like a sharp knife.


	31. Chapter 31. Yuuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri, your performance was so good, you must win gold!
> 
> Of course, Yuuri will win gold!
> 
> And then you will get married to Victor! I can’t wait for the chance write a good fanfic about this!
> 
> Really? Yuuri, don’t let us down! We know that you can!
> 
> Give those people hope.
> 
> Hope.
> 
> Hop
> 
> Ho
> 
> H

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry. It's not what I planned... I mean, I didn't plan to write a chapter like this before Christmas... but we have what we have. I won't tell you to enjoy it because I haven't enjoyed myself. Well... at least, we know the reason now. Please leave my poor baby Yuuri alone and don't blame him anymore TT_TT My baby... my baby...
> 
> The next chapter... is the one where you find out everything that happened!
> 
> Since Christmas is coming to town and Christmas is family holiday I will spend some more time with them eating and watching movies :D (Harry Potter marathon!!). So just saying that next chapter may come just on Sunday or Monday ^_^
> 
> I wish you all Merry Christmas!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3  
> All I want for Christmas is youuuuu!!! You already gave me the biggest present I could ever get, it's your support and love!!! <3  
> With love,  
> Vitavili <3

_I wanted you to fight for me. I wanted to be someone worth fighting for. But the truth was different. I am the one who didn‘t deserve to have you. I am not worthy of your love. I should have known this from the start._

_I’m giving up._

**2021, October 20. – 2021, November 20.**

Everything ended like this: he started begging to let him drive me home safe. I didn’t want that, but it was raining non-stop and I was not just all wet but also getting freaking cold. So after few minutes I asked Makkachin to come and let him in the back seat and sat myself in. Yuuri, what you are doing? You should have just gone home alone. You are so stupid… baka baka baka baka.

“Is your address the same?” he asked after getting back in the car, the man looked at me and I hold my breath, I wanted to shake my head and say that I am living somewhere in Hokkaido now. He was looking at me with worried eyes but at the same time trying to smile. He had a perfect smile, his look was pure without any type of bad intentions, but somehow I was sitting here scared like hell.

“Ye-ah…” I said after a few moments and he started the car then begin to drive. I tried not to look at him, but it was quite impossible. How can you not look at a person who has that spreading warmth around him?

“I am so sorry, Yuuri… really. I just looked at my phone for a second… I am so happy that I was able to stop the car in time. You are not hurt, really?” he was talking and against my will I started feeling comfortable. It’s impossible to feel bad around him. It’s the same aura that Victor has. Oh my God… just let me go and drive faster from here. I am so damn unlucky that he was the one who hit me. I thought that he moved out…

“I am fine… don’t worry.” I said but definitely with some different voice. “Actually, you can let me here, I can go by myself.” Just let me go, you stupid perfect thing, I don’t need you around me, I don’t need your fucking warm aura to ruin my life. Please, just let me go now before it’s too late.

“Are you kidding? I will make sure that you come back home safe. It’s the least I can do after this." You know the worst part of this? I can’t say _no_ to him. Because I saw that this man’s intentions were good and he was really doing this from the kind heart, not because of stubbornness. That’s so bad… he is just too nice…

  
“Yuuri! Finally! I was so worried!” As soon as I opened the door I saw Victor with his arms opened widely, holding a towel, he was smiling waiting for me to run in his arms, but I after seeing that I am not alone, he froze, looking at the man next to me. I could almost see how some unknown light turns on in his eyes. As I thought… I am not the only one who was captivated by his looks.

“Good evening! I am sorry for coming this late… I am Haruki Tachibana, nice to meet you!” He came closer starting perfectly speaking in English, even presenting his name first. Haruki smiled widely, looking like the happiest man on earth, Victor suddenly smiled back with the same energy also giving him a hand. That’s just incredible.

“I am Victor Nikiforov, nice to meet you! You are Yuuri’s friend?” he asked not letting his hand go. Let go. Let that fucking hand go, you don’t need to hold it that long. Victor, don’t touch him. Move your hand now. And why you are talking like I am not in the same room?

“We were going to the same primary school,” I answered and just then they let hands go, like remembering that I am also here. Hello, there. “Thank you very much for driving me home,” I said and stepped towards Victor, Haruki was still looking at my lover, but I wanted to show him the signal to go the hell out of here now.

“Oh, Yuuri I am the one who should apologize! Listen, I am playing with my violin next Friday in culture center. I invite you both! After that let’s go to eat dinner together, after all, we haven’t seen each other for ages.” He finally looked at me with the same perfect smile and I felt that I am nodding my head. Actually, I just wanted to kick him out from my house. You want to talk? Yeah, right… we weren’t even close friends in school. Admit it, you just want to see Victor. Over my dead body.

After he left I suddenly turned around and went to the bathroom, took off my wet clothes, Victor came after and hugged me from behind.

“Let’s warm you up, love.” He said kissing my ear and I finally smiled from the bottom of my heart. He thinks just about me, I will always be in the first place for him, right? I turned around and wrapped my arms around Victor’s neck. He took one of my hands and looked at the palm, nothing slips from his bright eyes.

“I just fell, it’s nothing.” Maybe I should say that Haruki hit me with his car? Then Victor definitely won’t ever think about him in a good way. Eh… but of course, I am not a person like this. Haruki didn’t do anything wrong. I just don’t want him to be close to Victor. He kissed those scraches on my palm and I pressed my body harder against his. So how about that warming up?

 

 

  
The next morning for almost four days I was lying in bed with the fever. At first, Victor tried to make me feel better using a lot of love and cooking soup, but in the end, we had to call the doctor, because the temperature was still too high. I had to drink antibiotics and that’s why after finally body temperature went down I felt so weak. Of course, no ice skating in such condition. The next competition was coming and I needed to practice, but I couldn’t move from bed. The first time I went outside was on next Friday when Victor reminded me of Haruki’s concert. Why he even remembers about this? Calm down, Yuuri, he just wants you to try going outside and this is the perfect chance. I wanted to think this way. But this was the night when everything started getting really bad.

We went to the culture center which was not too far away from our house, I was surprised by the amount of people waiting for the concert. Obviously, some of them came from other cities. Is Haruki playing that well or everyone is just captivated by his looks? We told our names to the guard and he looked at the guest list after that showed us our seat. In the front row! We both looked surprised, I guess Haruki was really feeling guilty after what happened. It was his solo concert, but as soon as he entered the stage with perfectly suiting black costume, I understood why people came here. He was really looking gorgeous, not just because of his physical appearance, but also because of that wide and honest smile. People already couldn’t take eyes from him and he even didn’t start playing.

Until now I thought that music is something that you can hear, sometimes it could bring back some memories or thoughts that way making you cry… but… when Haruki started playing the time in this world stopped. His face changed completely, got serious and he was playing with eyes closed. He didn’t need to move like dancing he was giving all the feeling just with his hands. Like a magic. He was born to play the violin, that wasn’t just a hard work. It's talent. It wasn’t just a music, it was a story. With every song a different one. I couldn’t hold myself from feeling the same vibes which I felt seeing Victor dancing on the ice. With his plays he made everyone cry here, everyone except me. I looked at Victor and saw tears in his eyes, he didn’t move his head, even once. It’s not the problem that Victor and Haruki have some things in common. The problem was… that Haruki was a sensitive and open person, he wasn’t the one who likes taking control. He was the one who needed someone to take control of him.

It became even more obvious during the dinner. Haruki didn’t ask even one question about me, he was talking just with Victor and if not my lover who also was asking my opinion, I don’t think that I would have said anything. Haruki didn’t have any intention to seduce Victor, all his actions were really innocent and sincere. He just liked Victor very much and in the end of the dinner, Haruki already was looking at Victor with the same look that I had. I don’t know which part was the worst: that he even didn’t try to hide from me seeing his feelings or that Victor honestly hasn't noticed that Haruki started falling for him. I know myself that it’s not hard to fall in love with Victor, because he had the purest heart of anyone I knew, but… Haruki was the same. Perfect match.

After this, Victor started meeting with Haruki without me. At first, he was also calling me to come with him, but I didn’t want. In my heart, I also hoped that Victor won’t go, but he called this “simple friendship”. Actually, I believed him, not just because I trusted my lover, but because I saw from Victor’s eyes, that he is not lying to me. So… it became almost natural that after my practice Victor goes to meet with Haruki for a drink, they had a lot in common, talking not just about sports or music, I also saw that Victor is having fun. I could have said no, I could have said that he must be just with me… but Victor in Japan was lonely so finding new friends at first sounded like a good idea. Nor Victor, nor Haruki were people who could have hurt others. Victor loved me as much as always, giving me all attention I wanted… but I couldn’t understand one: Why I am getting so anxious? Something was stuck inside me and I couldn’t understand what.

Because of this anxiety in China’s competition, my performance was nothing similar to the one in Rome. I got the third place and the ticket to the final, but just because of high scores for the technical part. There was no hope. Victor saw that also, everyone saw. If I could turn back time… I would have never sat in that car. After we returned home, we had a serious fight. I don’t think that we ever had a fight like this before.

“What?? You are going to meet with him now??!!” I suddenly dropped luggage that I had in my hand and turned around, Victor was standing next to the door, looking calm. I couldn’t stop myself from shouting at him. How can he go to meet with Haruki after we just got back? After this competition?

“Because he might understand me now...” He said and I opened my mouth from astonishment. He said what? No one… fucking no one can understand him better than I do! I am his lover! I AM! After his words, I made a few huge steps towards him and slapped his face. Believe me, I would have never done that, but something got inside my mind. Just thinking that he could be with Haruki made me so sick. I didn’t slap hard, but Victor opened his eyes widely and few seconds after grabbed my shirt.

“Let the fuck me go! Go to him! Go to the one who understands you better!!! But don’t you dare come back then… don’t you dare come back to me after being with him…” At first, I started to shout at him again, trying to push him away from me, but then I felt tears in my eyes and my voice cracked, became so silent, that I couldn’t understand myself what I was talking. I took a deep breath. I can’t hold this feeling anymore. I am so afraid. Victor took my face into his hands and then I started to cry… right… tell me now. Tell me that you want to be with him.

“You understand everything so wrong… Every time when I am with him, we are talking just about you… and now after what happened in China I just wanted to make some things clear… Because you are not talking with me at all.” After his explanation, I blinked. Are they talking about me? Victor is asking Haruki for some tips or what? I grabbed Victor’s shirt and pulled him closer to me.

“You should talk with me… not with him.” I said still with trembling voice. It doesn’t make sense. “Do you like him?” that was my worst fear... that’s why I was feeling that anxiety inside me. I was so jealous and so scared that Haruki is better than me and that Victor found this out.

“Whaaaat? NO! Oh my… no… I don’t like him, of course not! Mostly I was going with him because you told me that it’s good for me to have friends here. I thought that you want me to go. Yuuri, I love you. I love just you, how could you even think that I feel something for another man?” his voice was close to panic. So… everything that happened until now was just some dumb misunderstanding? I closed my eyes after feeling that my legs are not holding me anymore.

“Don’t… go… don’t go. I… was just afraid… because… I never felt that I deserved to have you… I just was scared that you will find something in him that you can’t find in me.” I said and hugged him as hard as I could. Jeez, I started feeling so guilty. So selfish.

“Yuuri… you dummy… you have everything I need. I won’t see him ever again… just calm down. I told you million times that we need to talk. You can’t hide your feelings from me.” I nodded like a child whose father just told that he was really a bad boy this year. I am so stupid, right? I just hurt both of us, I just can’t stop doing that… I always fail at becoming better. Victor kissed me. The best sex we ever had, that’s how I can name this night.

 

 

 

  
“I am off to the store!” I said closing the door, but not locking it. The weather was shitty, but I needed to buy some stuff for tomorrow’s breakfast. It was already 9 p.m. so I had just an hour, I left Victor almost sleeping in the bed. We were practicing all day and then took a walk to the beach. Just 9 days left until my birthday and somehow Victor was more excited about this than me. He even thought about inviting Phichit to Japan and he could stay until Grand Prix final. Well if Phichit comes, then Seung-Gil would come with him and… if I invite them, then maybe I should invite also Simon, Yurio, Alexey, Ana and Chris? Jeez, I don’t want to celebrate the birthday at all. But it was the first one we are celebrating after three years, that’s why I agreed. Let it be. If it makes Victor happy then he can do whatever he wants. I suddenly stopped… Oh shit… I forgot my wallet on the table next to the bed. Going to the store without wallet… just perfect, Yuuri. I had to turn around and walk back.

“Vic-“ I started as I entered the house and stopped for a second next to our bedroom to take off shoes, but I didn’t finish saying his name because of what I saw. Victor was lying on the bed almost in the same position as I left him, but he was touching someone’s face with fingertips. That someone was sitting on my side of the bed, his body was leaned forward and lips were on Victor’s. Even if it was dark in the room it didn’t take me long to recognize dark hair and those perfect face features. I don’t know why the first thought that came into my mind was not the fact that Haruki is kissing with my lover, it was: why this fucking asshole is sitting on my side??? MY SIDE.

Maybe it seems that I was standing there for a whole hour, but actually, it took me just a few seconds to realize what is going on and then I slowly walked from the house. I don’t know where I was going, I don’t really know what I was feeling at the moment. I know that I have hurt Victor in many ways, so many times that I lost the count. The pain became something that we just can’t avoid, but… I never thought about having someone else. Not even once. And he told me that… he hasn't met Haruki since that day. It’s funny. Maybe it’s not true? Maybe it’s just a nightmare and I will wake up in a few seconds? But I didn’t. It’s reality. The naked truth. Victor was kissing with Haruki in our bed. In the same one where he was kissing me so many times… in the same one, he promised me forever.

I felt a sand under my feet. I stopped. It’s sea. It’s the end of the world. I kneeled and it hurt so bad, that my body bumped on the cold sand. I took a deep breath together with grains of sand. My lungs are full of sand, my hair is full sand. I couldn’t close my eyes because I would see that view, I couldn't keep my eyes opened because I was seeing it anyways. It’s enough. I was making sand wet with my tears, making it mix with my skin.

_Yuuri, your performance was so good, you must win gold!_

_Of course, Yuuri will win gold!_

_And then you will get married to Victor! I can’t wait for the chance write a good fanfic about this!_

_Really? Yuuri, don’t let us down! We know that you can!_

_Give those people hope._

_Hope._

_Hop_

_Ho_

_H_

  
It’s enough…. I am sorry. I am sorry for everything I have done. I am sorry for those nights I cried not because of you. It’s enough… I am begging you… get out… get out from my head. I am sorry for all mistakes I have done until now. Just get out, let me turn days into nights, let me lose that fucking hope I never had. Let me give up… I don’t need gold, I don’t need to get married… I want to let everyone down. I don’t want to feel hope anymore. It doesn’t make sense… I don’t have anything left. I don’t have feelings. I am empty. All I ever wanted is to hug you… stay close to you and feel myself again. I want that even now, but I am just hitting myself in my mind right now. There is some kind of wall inside my head and I can feel how you become just a mirage. I always had a place in my heart... just for you and now it feels empty and it hurts. It hurts like hell… I left my heart next to our room. Next to the bed where you are kissing with him. Jumping together on my heart, making same sick as yours. I feel it now. Everything is different than you think… Let me breathe… I can’t breathe without you. Without knowing that you belong to me. How can you breathe with no air? I don’t understand… I am not breathing anymore… Who? Who will bring you back this time?

I screamed into the sand and saliva mixed with the ground I choked with it and ten swallowed everything. The sand had the taste of pain and emptiness. It’s disgusting. It’s the worst you could ever do to me. But I understand. I think… in my heart, I always knew this. I wanted you to fight for me. I wanted to be someone worth fighting for. But the truth was different. I am the one who didn‘t deserve to have you. I am not worthy of your love. I should have known this from the start. I knew that this day will come... when you're going to find someone better than me, someone, who would never hurt you… someone who could love you in the way you deserved. So I wasn’t mad. I wasn’t mad at all…

My love was quiet and yours too loud. I took things too seriously and you wanted just to be happy. You were sensitive and I was too cold-hearted. You could just love with everything you have and there was no place for others. There is no place for me. Because I needed all or nothing. I wanted everything and here I am… with empty hands. It was your decision and you were right. For the moment we met I knew that I don’t have anything to give you back. I could just take… And I took too much, right?

When I walked back home, I went right to my old bedroom, not really thinking where I am going. I laid in the bed and sighed. I could still feel the sand in my eyes, nose, ears, mouth… I was turning into nothing. And before I died from pain… I needed to do this. This time I won’t run, I won’t leave just like that. I will make everything clear. But I will do it first before he did something to me.

“Yuuri, love… why are you sleeping here? Let’s go to our bed, this room is full of dust." Our bed you say.... "Yuuri… what happened…?” I even didn’t hear how he entered the room. I couldn’t hear him at all. My heart didn’t start beating like crazy. I was calm, relaxed like never before. Our last minutes are over, I don’t understand your voice, it means nothing. But everything is not as it seems… I will still be reaching you in my dreams. Always. But the reality is different. I am giving up. I can’t fight, like you didn’t fight for me.

It’s over.

“Hey… Victor… Let’s break up.”

Let me go. Stop this pain. If you still… care about me. Even just a little bit… Don’t argue. Just let me go. Your voice is not even sweet anymore. It gives me chills. I can’t breathe… I can’t breathe… I don’t breathe.

Who will bring you back now?

Do you even know what have you done?

No air.


	32. Take me Home. Victor & Yuuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I hate you. I really… honestly hate you so much.” My voice was so trembling from fear that it was really impossible to say if I am lying or saying the truth. But as I thought… Victor was too sensitive for this word. Everyone in the word could have said this to him and he wouldn’t care. But not me. I will also hate myself for the rest of my life. This is the biggest lie I have ever said… but it worked. I felt how his body relaxes and I took the chance, quickly moved from the bed, putting back my pants and took my phone in one hand, then rushed to leave the room. “I want you to be gone until morning.” I didn’t turn back to look at him, just closed the door and walked out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!!
> 
> First of all. HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOR THE LOVE OF MY LIFE TT_TT HAPPY BIRTHDAY VICTOR <3 <3 <3 <3 BE HAPPY!!!! <3
> 
> And now... this chapter is just what I needed the most right now <3 What we all needed <3
> 
> In the next chapter, we will be celebrating Yuuri's birthday ^-^ <3  
> I love you so much, my dear readers <3 thank you for everything, everyday <3 
> 
>  
> 
> NEED YOUR HELP!!!!!
> 
> By the way, I have a really important question: Yurio is the bottom or top? :D I mean, I always thought that he is the bottom because he is Russian princess and soo skinny and almost how really cool girl who loves kicking others ass. But then a few days ago I had a fight with my friend about this, she says that Yurio is top... I need your opinion!!! :D
> 
> With love,  
> Vitavili <3

_**Will you take care of my broken soul?** _

 

* * *

  **Victor**

* * *

 I waved my hand for him, of course, Yuuri couldn’t see this because at the same moment I heard how he closes the door. I don’t understand how he has so much stamina for this… practicing all day, then walking and he still has the energy go to the supermarket just because he wants to cook breakfast for us tomorrow. We could just go to eat somewhere. He could have just stayed here with me in bed. I am seriously tired but I didn’t want to fall asleep before he comes back. I want Yuuri to return so I could cuddle him and then we can share thousands of kisses, theeeen take a lot of photos together and then… eat some ice cream together… watch movie… I could… eat… ice…off…his… bod-

I admit, I am one of those people who could sleep anywhere, sleep and don’t feel or hear anything around, but there was one huge condition for that – someone needs to protect your sleep. In my case, it was Yuuri, the person who I trust the most in my life. Even if he would have entered the room and started jumping on me, I don’t think I would have woken up. But this time was different and at first, I couldn’t understand why. I was awakened by warmth on my lips. Kiss is something that can make your heart melt, but at the same time, you don’t want to come back to reality, the kiss is a piece of soul, it may look simple, but actually kissing is not just about the touch. I would have never felt Yuuri’s kiss because his soul already belongs to me. When I felt that warmth on my lips, I didn’t feel anything, like the time when Yurio kissed me, but somehow because I was sleeping, it was so unexpected that I lifted my hand searching for the source of this thing. As soon as I touched it with my fingertips my heart started beating like crazy. I woke up from this half asleep slumber. Something is wrong here. I opened my eyes widely. It’s not Yuuri… it’s Haruki. The fuc-

“What the hell do you think you are doing?” I suddenly grabbed his chin so hard, that my fingers started to hurt and he gasped from the pain, I moved his face from me. He tried to move away, but I didn’t let him go, I held so hard, that his skin color started to turn bright red. He again let the painful sound looking at me with those dark eyes full of sadness. That won’t affect me. Surprised right? You don’t have any idea…

I may be the friendliest and most opened person you will ever meet. I may be the one who smiles and shines making everyone around fell in love. It’s who I am, I can’t run out from that warmth I have inside. It’s a part of me, it’s my lifestyle I love everyone who loves me back. I love surprising people and making them happy, I don’t think that I was born to be a clown, it’s just a natural thing, the main source of my happiness is the one who I love the most. And behind all these beautiful things he is the only one who knows about my inside demons. About the fact that there is just a small step from light to darkness. He knows this look, he knows how my eyes turn into cold ice and makes everything around freeze, and only he knows how to control my voice from turning into that miserable sound. Everything has limits. For Haruki, it was a surprise. He was always seeing me with a smile and now he was in shock and I saw what I wanted – fear. Well… you asked for it yourself.

“How did you get here?” I asked strictly and pushed him hard from the bed. Get out from Yuuri’s side. I sat on the bed and moved my hair from the eyes, that I could burn that psychopath with my look. I wasn’t smiling, but my lips were trembling. I could feel something on them, something that doesn’t belong here. Disgusting. I am not a person who you can kiss just like that. I won’t give myself to you.

“I-I… the door was unlocked… I… just…” his was murmuring something and I knit my eyebrows. What? If you had strength to break into someone’s house, have damn balls to speak. Suddenly I saw the ugly side of this man, the features that nobody saw before. He was really ugly when fear takes control of his body.

“So you just broke in?” I suddenly got up from the bed, Haruki flinched and started moving somewhere to the corner, he pressed his back against the wall and I stepped towards him. “Get out now, or I will fucking triple Axel you from the window.” He suddenly burst into tears trying to say something but I just opened the window and leaned a little bit forward. “Get out!” I shouted so loud that he suddenly jumped and even fell few times trying to run as fast as he could. Jeez Christ. I closed the window and sighed, it’s good that Yuuri didn't see this.

“High five Makkachin, one down,” I said when my puddle came closer, I wonder why he didn’t bite Haruki to death when he came in. He is sleeping more and more these days, getting lazy as me. I really need to go to the bathroom and wash my lips with soap. Yuuuuri, where are you? Come back and let me kiss you, take off this horrible taste... This thing, the kiss from Haruki, is nothing, I didn’t feel anything, maybe just a little bit pissed off. I hope that dumbass understood my message. From now on I will make sure that door is locked, just in case, but I don’t think that Haruki will try to get close to me ever again. He just saw my true face. Now I won’t be able to sleep again… damn, that brat.  
I took my phone and walked to the bathroom trying to call Yuuri at the same time, he must have reached the store by now.

* * *

**Yuuri**

* * *

I gasped from shock and took a deep breath when someone slapped my face. Oh my God… what happened? It feels like I was out for a few seconds, I tried to breathe but it was hard to remember how, so I was just catching air like fish on the shore. Shit... how to breathe??? I don‘t have air...

“Yuuri! You hear me?! Take a deep breath… like that, slowly… alright…” I was listening to the voice, trying to do as he says. Still, lost. What… “Your lips begin to turn blue… don’t scare me like that…” I took a deep breath again with my eyes closed. In… Out… In… Out… for a few seconds, I forgot how to breathe because my air… my air was gone… my air betrayed me, turned oxygen into the sand in my lungs. It feels heavy. I covered my face with palms, somehow I was lying on my back, he turned me… he touched me, his hands were still on my shoulders.

“Don’t touch me!” I tried to move, but his hands were still holding me tight. I don’t want to see his face. If I see it, then I won’t be able to hold my feelings. But I have to let him go, I have to do it now. Because I don’t want to live until the time when Victor decides to leave me. I will end everything before I got hurt even more. He didn’t know that I saw and it’s fine, he doesn’t have to know.

“What… happened? Why are you saying that?? We haven’t seen each other for one hour and you already start to imagine things?? Yuuri!! Look at me!!” He tried to move my hands by force and I kicked him with my foot. You know that ice skaters legs must be strongest part of the body? So I bet it hurt when I kicked right into his ribs, but Victor didn't let any sound, he rolled on me, pressing all my body against the bed. “I SAID LOOK AT ME!!” he was breathless, but still with the voice strong enough to make me freeze. Now he was able to move my hands and I opened my eyes. I didn’t look at his face, I moved my head to the side. I was already calm before, but now my lips started to tremble again. Yuuri, don’t cry. You can’t cry.

“Let’s break up,” I said again, trying to swallow the pain in my voice, but the mouth was so dry. I bit my lip. It seems that I don’t have anything else in my mind. That’s true, I just want everything to be over, right now, before I am strong enough to handle it. Before he didn’t change my mind with his touches and voice.

“Why would you say something like that?” he asked with a cold voice and I sighed. You… How… How the hell you can pretend that you don’t know what happened? You are perfect liar… so perfect that I almost want to believe you again. But you know what? I can also lie in the situation like this. If you don’t respect me, then I won’t respect you either.

“Because I had enough of this sick relationship. It makes me want to puke… of everything. You said that we have to try and we did. Obviously, it didn’t work out. So why should we force each other? Let’s end this… I want that.” I talked fast because then there was less chance that Victor understands that I am lying. I don’t know what kind of bullshit I was talking, I just needed to say something, so I did. I don’t care what he will think about my words, but I hoped that I hurt him enough with this and he will let me go. How many times before today he met Haruki and kissed him? Just kissed? Or maybe slept with him while I was helping with stuff in hot springs? He had a lot of time to do that. I mean, they could have even planned everything today… Maybe Victor called him as soon as I left to the store? I silently sobbed one time, then another and tears again started falling down. Stop… stop thinking about this.

“Liar.” He said after such a long pause, I thought that I won and he will let me go any moment. After Victor's words, I Iooked at his bright eyes full of sadness and tears. Don’t. Don’t you dare to cry. You were the first who started this mess. You lied to me first. “I love you, Yuuri. We can’t end this. You can’t leave me again.” he leaned forward and I held my breath. No. No. No. As soon as his lips touched mine, I saw that view again and I got sick… really I wanted to throw up so bad. I bit his lip before he even started kissing me. This time he gasped from the pain and when I started moving again Victor suddenly grabbed me hard and turned around on my stomach.

“Stop this!!” I screamed but he covered my mouth with his palm and I couldn’t make a sound. What the hell is he doing??? I was still screaming in his hand, trying to move from here. But he was stronger, faster, better… like always. I don’t want that… he can’t do this to me.

“I don’t know what got into your head, but I will kick this out with my love. I will make you feel how wrong you are.” I thought that he will just press me hard until I give up, that’s why I started to move even harder, not paying attention how sweet his voice got again, how sad and how cold at the same moment. It’s driving me crazy… it makes my head hurt so much. Hurt from thoughts that soon I won’t be able to hear his voice again. That Haruki name will replace mine. I didn’t think that Victor is ready to go so far, but when his started taking off my pants I froze. No. Not that. Somehow I released one of my hands and moved his fingers from my mouth a little bit.

“Don’t… don’t do that. Or I will never forgive you.” Whole my body was trembling, but he didn’t stop, his hand was already on my naked ass and I sobbed so loud that I felt how a knife cuts my heart. Don’t…. you are not like that… you won’t hurt me. I mean… I thought that you would never hurt me. But kiss with Haruki was painful enough. You can’t hurt me more… don’t force me. I am not excited at all… I am scared. My heart was beating faster and faster, he was stronger and no matter how much I moved he was still able to hold me down.

“You will… you will as soon as you understand.” After his words I pressed my face to the pillow, breathing hard and painful. I am doomed. I am soooo… I have just one solution for this. It must work. It’s the strongest weapon I have. I have never said this to him before…

“I hate you. I really… honestly hate you so much.” My voice was so trembling from fear that it was really impossible to say if I am lying or saying the truth. But as I thought… Victor was too sensitive for this word. Everyone in the word could have said this to him and he wouldn’t care. But not me. I will also hate myself for the rest of my life. This is the biggest lie I have ever said… but it worked. I felt how his body relaxes and I took the chance, quickly moved from the bed, putting back my pants and took my phone in one hand, then rushed to leave the room. “I want you to be gone until morning.” I didn’t turn back to look at him, just closed the door and walked out.

  
It was cold outside, but I didn’t stop, this time I turned to the path which was leading to the park. It’s over… I just left him again. But this time I did this not because of myself. I did it… because he must understand that Haruki suits better for him, I already saw that. Victor… you dumbass… I love you. I love you so much and I will let you find your happiness in that person. If you fell for his charms one time, nobody will stop you to do that again. I will… I will try to be happy because of you because finally, you will be with the one who won’t hurt you. With the one who will be able to heal your heart again. I guess I broke it just too much to be saved. I love you so much Victor…. I will always love you. I promise that I will always think of you and remember just those good moments together. I am not mad… and I am sorry that everything has to end today and like this. But I respect you and if you want to try other life… go. Feel free. The world doesn’t stop at this point. You can still be happy… I mean...

Fuck… this situation reminds me so much of the one almost three years ago. But this time I didn’t write the letter… I just stabbed his heart with the knife. It’s just crazy… I don’t understand what happened. I didn’t understand why he loved me from the start… what I did that he started to love me… but then… when I left he tried to end his life, he wrote all those letters to me… he was searching for me, he forgave for what I have done… so why… Why everything has to end up like this? Maybe I had to fight for him? Maybe I didn’t have to give up so easily? Maybe there is something more? Maybe Maybe Maybe… I really need to talk with someone, because otherwise, my head will explode. I was already sitting on the bench next to the park when I wrote a message, the answer came soon giving me a phone number. The one I needed. I pressed the call button.

“Slushayu.” (I am listening), the voice answered. Even hearing Russian made me flinch. There was some noise in the background, he is not alone?

“Hello, Yurio… it’s me… Yuuri. You have a minute?” I asked and then somehow started regretting that I called him.

“Katsudon?? What the hell… why are you calling to me? It’s Katsuki.” The last sentence he said to someone, not to me. So that's someone knows about me. Yakov? Mila? Or maybe Chris if Yurio started practicing again.

“Actually, I wanted to say… that I broke…. I broke up with Victor and I wanted to ask you take care of him when he returns to Russia.” If he returns… but I didn’t say this to Yurio. Maybe Victor will decide to stay here with Haruki. And if he asks him to come together to Moscow… and they… will… sleep in… our… bed.

“Whaaaat? Are you on drugs or what?“ he asked after few minutes and I opened my mouth. Drugs? He is not taking me seriously. “Otabek… get lost… no, really. Play with the cat while I am dealing with this pig. Here hold it. What ar- HEY KATSUKI YUURI!” I flinched when other's man’s voice shouted on the phone. Otabek???? Is he with Yurio? So, in the end, he has called him as I told so? They… Are they together again?

“He-y…” I answered feeling really strange. God… I shouldn’t disturb them with my problems, I just wanted to make sure that Victor won’t be alone in Russia. “Sorry for call-“

“You didn’t,” he said and I got lost. I didn’t what?

“What?”

“You didn’t break up with Victor.” He said with so serious voice like he also saw and knew everything. But Yurio doesn’t have any idea what happened.

“I did…” my voice was so silent like I don’t believe myself what I am talking about.

“You didn’t. Bye now.” He hung up the phone leaving me with the frozen face. Alright… whatever. Really I shouldn’t have called him. But he is with Otabek… I don’t know what happened between them, but last time Yurio said that he doesn’t want to see him ever again and now... they are together. Something happened what made him change his mind. Love? I covered my face with palms and sighed. I can’t handle this… It’s too much. Why does it hurt to love? Love is the only thing that can hurt you like this…

 

“Yuuri…!” I heard a voice moving towards me and even before I opened my eyes, I already wanted to kill that person. You… you stupid asshole with a perfect face. You… the one who ruined my life. How you even dare to call me or search for me.

“If you move one more step towards me I will triple Axel you to the moon.” I said feeling so angry. It was the first time I wanted to beat person so badly. I tried not to be mad because Haruki was Victor’s choice, but this fucking asshole… he first fell in love with my lover. He was the one who hit me with the car… he is the one who started this. He made me realize that, in fact, I am not worth to have Victor. So I should thank him or what?

“What’s with that Axel... it’s a hard jump or what?” Is he making fun of me? I suddenly jumped to my feet and stood in front of him. Looked at him with all hate I had right now. My eyes were still red from tears and my clothes, hair were covered in sand. I am looking pathetic and Haruki is standing here perfect like always. Just after kissing my lover… Should I say ex-lover again? What the fuck he wants?? He already did the best he could! Take Victor and just go.

“I AM SORRY!” He suddenly kneeled in front of me and begin bowing, I flinched. What the hell is going on?? “Victor may have already told you everything that happened … but I wanted to find you and say it myself… I am sorry… I am sorry so much.” He was almost touching the ground with his nose. Stop doing this fucking dogeza and why the hell he is saying sorry? Sorry for taking your boyfriend please let us be happy?

“Get lost…” Can I kick him, while he is here and doesn’t see? I turned around and stepped towards the park, but he started speaking again, making my heart almost stop at the same second.

“I know… that you will hate me for the rest of your life. But… I just wanted… to know how it feels to have such a perfect boyfriend as Victor… I am sorry that I kissed him at first I didn’t want to do that, I wanted just talk… but then I saw him sleeping and I couldn’t hold myself. I really like him… he is… just… like a dream, like an idol… But when he pushed me away… I…” he was speaking really quickly at some parts so fast, that even for me, as Japanese, was really hard to understand. His voice was trembling even more than mine. It wasn’t a joke, he was almost crying and begging for forgiveness. I turned back slowly with my eyes opened widely. Haruki wasn't bowing anymore, just kneeling with his back stretched. Somehow he didn’t look to me beautiful anymore. He is ugly when he cries.

“He… he pushed you away? He didn’t kiss you back…?” I need to sit down on that bench again or my legs won’t hold. I had to hold on the tree next to me. I feel sick again. Those emotions change so fast, that I can’t handle them.

“O-f… of course no… I knew that he would never kiss me… He was always talking just about you. He is so in love… and I couldn’t help myself from wondering how it feels when someone loves you like that… Yuuri I am sorr-“ I didn’t let him finish the sentence, I started running so fast that I almost fell at the same moment. Just for one second, I stopped before leaving him still kneeling on the ground with eyes opened widely from astonishment.

“Stay away from my lover.” After saying this I didn’t stop until I reached home. It was a record. I did it in less than five minutes, even when I was late for school I have never run so fast. What the hell… what the hell just happened. What the hell I have done!! Yuuri, you are the stubbiest thing in the whole world. How… HOW HOW HOW. AAAAH!!!!

“WHERE IS VICTOR????” I shouted at the whole main house, breathing fast and my heart was somewhere in my throat. My sister was standing in the hallway, she flinched and grabbed on her chest when I screamed. Some customer was leaving at the same time, so he froze like I was pointing a gun at him.

“I… I think… he went for a walk with Makkachin… not long ago.” My sister answered still looking too in shock to be angry that I am shouting next to the customer. She wanted to say something more, but I quickly turned around and ran towards the only possible place he could have gone right now.

* * *

  **Victor**

* * *

 

I don't know how I understood that he came here. From Makkachin who started wiggling his tail or from that strange electricity stream which ran down my spine. So… he came. I knew that he will come. I mean, more hopped than knew… the only thing I had was hope. He is not the only one who must believe in this word. I was sitting on the big rock, looking at the sea. Tonight it was calm as never… more like a lake. Beautiful. I was also calm. This time for sure, because I already knew what I will say. I started to think about this from the moment when Yuuri left the room and sea… it helped me better understand what I am feeling right now. I leaned back and my back touched his chest, Yuuri’s arms almost at the same moment found a place on my shoulders, his fingers were trembling. I am feeling him so much… that I can even tell when he is standing behind me.  Yuuri was sobbing a little bit, from crying he even got hiccups. If he continues to cry so much… he can also get problems with the heart. I think he was getting ready to say whole speech, but I wanted to talk first.

 

“I was… just sitting here and thinking… Why are we doing this? Our life is so short, really… we don’t know how much time we have left. Nobody knows. And yet we spend so much of it fighting, crying, hurting each other, telling bad words, trying to explain ourselves and getting anxious. Why? For what possible reason? We are spending so much time for hate that there is almost no place for love. But love… love is the only reason why this ground is still moving on. I know a lot of reasons to love someone… but there is no reason to hate. I mean… really… Why are we making life so hard? We are the one who creates all problems. If you feel sad… you just have to make yourself happy, because life is happiness… if you have enemies you just have to make peace with them, because life must be peaceful. If you have friends you have to visit them, because life is made to share with someone. And if you see someone who needs help then just help, because life is about helping each other. If you are in the dark, just turn on the light, because life must be bright. And… if you feel hatred… just reconsider this again… because life… life is about Love.” I sighed and took Yuuri’s palm,  pressed to my cheek, he didn’t move it. That’s good, maybe he is listening.

“Sometimes it’s hard, I know… it feels like darkness is consuming us by all this pain. Sometimes it’s really hard to understand what are you feeling… there are some things that we can’t change, for example, that we have broken faith, but that’s why we are together. That’s why… we can be together. Because we both know how it feels. The question is simple… Will you take care of my broken soul? Will you hold me? I already decided. And I swear… every minute it gets easier and easier to breath, it's getting easier to solve my darkest thoughts. I am free… I am free because I have made my choice to love life. In the way it is.” He hasn’t moved since I started talking, that’s alright… I still feel calm. I still feel… oh, tears. Tears in my eyes, they are real, they are falling down. I pressed his fingers harder and shook my head.

“I want you to know… I won’t give up on us. I won’t. Even if you hate me and you will push me away, I still won’t give up. I can’t give up. I don’t want to be someone who walks away easily… I will give you all my love even if you don’t want to have it anymore. I always will be your home even if you try to kick me out. I deserved to have you. You deserved to have me. So… I won’t give up. I won’t…. I won’t. Yuuri… I won’t…. please…” it was so hard to stop my tears, but they were real… from happiness, from sadness. Everything. In the end, my voice cracked. That word just slipped. I didn’t want to sound like I am begging because I didn’t. But his hand on my cold cheek was so warm and I just… 

Suddenly I felt how he touches my chin and makes me turn my head up and look into his eyes. The color was so beautiful… I just love brown… I love the color of his eyes. Tears from Yuuri’s eyes started falling on my face. He leaned forward. And then I understood: every word he said before in the room was a lie. Until the last. Yuuri touched my lips with his and I shivered when he started collecting with his tongue the taste of that other kiss. Finally making it go away… because soap didn’t help no matter how many times I tried to clean. He kissed my lower lip and whispered not moving his lips from mine:

“Will you take me home?”

 

* * *

**Message: _Yurio_. ** **03:04 a.m. JST**

_We didn’t break up._

 

 

**Message: _Pork cutlet bowl._ 07:07 p.m. BT**

_As I said._

 

 


	33. Chapter 33. Yuuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Good morning.” I spoke again. As soon as Victor talked, I knew that he is already waking up, so I kissed his cheek and pressed my nose right under his ear. It’s a warm spot here. Victor yawned loudly and pressed me harder against his body. I won’t lie, actually, I love waking him up because then my lover gets so adorably lazy and I can feel how all his parts of the body starts to wake up because of me so close to him. I am sorry… I would love to cuddle and make love all the morning, but… “You need to get children from the airport,” I said giving him another kiss on his neck and them moving my head a little bit, that I could see how Victor opens his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello children (still affected by this chapter)
> 
> Sooo...I finally counted somehow this time for real and it seems that original end of this story will come at chapter 39, the 40th will be extra like always. BUT BUT BUT... I don't want to end this story myself, really TT_TT So I don't know... you will have to read my end and after the extra, you will help me decide do we need more or it's enough of this story ;o so let's just wait and see, I will really need your opinion!! <3
> 
> And I am sorry if I had said something wrong by replying comments... I just say what I feel. I know that there will be some things that I write wrong, but I hope I am not explaining my position and looking really mean TT_TT please, know, I love you all!!!
> 
> Yuuri's birthday was fun!! <3 <3
> 
> Oh, tomorrow I am going to donate the blood (already doing this from the age 18 every 3 months :D) so I don't know if I have energy to write new chapter tomorrow (usually I feel really sleepy after this TT_TT), but we will see!!
> 
>  
> 
> A lots of love,  
> Vitavili <3
> 
> EDIT:: THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP, YURIO WON THE BOTTOM PLACE !!! <3 LIKE 11 vs. 0 !!! :DDD TOTAL BOTTOM!!!

**2021, November 29.**

How does it feel to have such a perfect boyfriend as Victor? He wasn’t the only one who wanted to know this, but only I knew the answer. How does it feel to wake up every morning next to him? How does it feel when he smiles just for you? How does it feel to be in his arms? How feels to be loved? How does it feel to love? I wish that one day everyone would be able to find answers to these questions. I already did. These were my first thoughts when I opened my eyes on 29th of November, 2021. Like every day I woke up because Victor was searching for me with his cold hands, searching for someone who could warm him up. He didn’t wake up, just let out a deep sigh when finally our bodies met each other. As soon as his colds hands found their place on my back I opened my eyes. Already for about twenty minutes I was on the line of sleep and waking up, but just after his move I finally felt that I am ready to see him.

Happy Birthday, Yuuri. That’s what I thought when I saw Victor’s face just a few inches from mine. That’s definitely the biggest present I could ever get for my birthday. Just remembering that past 2 years I have been waking up on this day without him next to me, made me sad. But now and forever… until my last Birthday, I will be waking up like this. Every year his face will be so close to mine and with the years I will start counting wrinkles on his cheeks and forehead, I will be able to kiss every of them, with every year I will love his face features even more. But now… now we still had this youth in our hands, the youth which didn’t want to leave Victor. I swear, doesn’t matter how many times I look I can’t get enough, I still start to blush when he gets too close and makes me look right into his bright eyes. It doesn’t matter how many times Victor touches me I am still trembling, he still makes my heart melt and mind go crazy. I just can’t understand how his love is able to do that. Next to him I am losing myself, he makes me act like I have never thought that I could. I touched his skin with my fingertips, this morning choosing a path from his closed eyelids, touching those long eyelashes and then going down his cheek until lips. He looks so calm, like a person who doesn’t have any kind of problems in his life. Like a person whose the most precious thing is safe enough. He told me so many times that I am the one, not only said but also showed and even proved it. I loved touching his skin, it made me feel like I am not dreaming anymore. His lips were always a little bit wet and opened, like ready to kiss me anytime. I thought so many times that his kisses are magical because they were able to heal pain, anxiety (I had really big problems with this one), sadness and any other bad feeling. But I also… I was ready to become something that could protect Victor with everything I had, I wasn’t strong inside like he was, but for him, I could change, I wanted that. I was ready to prove my love to Victor for the whole word. As soon as I get gold. I know what I want. I want him. Him all. Him every day for the rest of my life. And I will make this present for myself. I will make the future for us.

“Wake uuuup.” After watching him for more than ten minutes and getting my morning dose of this perfection I finally talked, still holding fingers on his lips. I would never try to wake him up, but he has to go to the airport and pick up friends who are coming here today. Victor didn’t move. As I thought he doesn’t hear anything, unless you know what to say. I moved my face, even more, closer to him and pressed my lips to his cheek, it was warm and so soft. “Someone ate all katsudon,” I said right into his ear, silently enough, because I didn’t want to scare him first thing in the morning.

“Nooooo…” after a few seconds he let the sound from his lips and I smiled. Victor just loves katsudon so much, it’s almost sad to look at him when we have to eat something else. Good that he doesn’t gain weight so easily like I do. Because of the Grand Prix final coming up in a week, I couldn’t eat something like that, just watch. But today… today is the day when I will finally get this. Even I can let myself eat katsudon on the day like this. I will really cry from happiness, almost feeling the taste in my mouth already.

“Good morning.” I spoke again. As soon as Victor talked, I knew that he is already waking up, so I kissed his cheek and pressed my nose right under his ear. It’s a warm spot here. Victor yawned loudly and pressed me harder against his body. I won’t lie, actually, I love waking him up because then my lover gets so adorably lazy and I can feel how all his parts of the body starts to wake up because of me so close to him. I am sorry… I would love to cuddle and make love all the morning, but… “You need to get children from the airport,” I said giving him another kiss on his neck and then moving my head a little bit, that I could see how Victor opens his eyes.

“What children???” he opened eyes so fast making them so big that I couldn’t control myself from giggling. It’s like I just told him some horror story. I kissed him hard and rolled over making Victor lay on his back and I was able to sit on his stomach, after seeing how I am stretching my back and arms lifting them up, Victor was already smiling, biting his lower lip. Just look how silver hair is covering his face making him look so sexy. “Good morning, love…” he raised his hands, touched my waist and I leaned forward until my forehead softly bumped into his. I started feeling how my cheeks begin blushing from Victor’s pure gaze. It was so warm, still a little bit sleepy. He started reaching my lips but I just gave him a quick kiss on his cheek and jumped from the bed, leaving Victor with his arms holding on air. As I said… we really don’t have time for that now.

“We have a bunch of them coming today and they will be mad if you make them wait,” I said giving him a smirk. Victor grabbed pillow next to him and covered his face, letting out a gloomy sound. Well well… it was HIS idea in the first place. I could go with taxi and pick them myself, but I said that I will help mom to cook katsudon. “Ten minutes, liubov.” I said before entering the bathroom and I perfectly heard how Victor sighed murmuring that he wanted to cuddle. Oh, love...

When I left the bathroom Victor was already ready to go, just waiting for me to say goodbye. I stepped towards him looking if he is dressed warm enough. Isn’t that my blue coat he is wearing? I will defiantly put on his boxers today.

“Have a safe trip, my dad should have left keys from the little bus on the table in the hallway.” I wrapped my arms around Victor’s waist and smiled at him. He wasn’t looking at my face, his eyes were staring at my towel, the only thing on my body. Oh… my poor Prince. He always gets sad if he doesn’t get what he wants first thing in the morning. But we still had all evening, after everything, no? I mean, I was born around 10 p.m. so officially it’s not my birthday yet.

“Yuuri…” Victor hugged me and I smiled even harder. This is how it feels to be loved. Saying goodbye every time so hard as if it would be the last. I gave him a kiss on the cheek and let Victor go. If he doesn't go now Yurio will just sit on the next plane which goes back to Russia. Victor leaned back and also let me go. “By the way, Happy Birthday.” He said taking out some kind of envelope from his pocket. I froze for a second. Not because he said this with some strange tone, there was another reason.

“Victooor… I think we had a deal not to give any presents this year.” I took the envelope with shivering fingers. What could it be? Money? I don’t think so… Tickets to some concert? Also not seems like him. Love letter? My heart started beating so fast. Love letter… he could really write something like that. Oh God… can I read this now? I looked at him, but Victor just gave me a quick kiss and left the room. I couldn’t hold the feeling, I must look what is inside. Oh my God… It's is some kind of letter… or more like a message… Really short one. I started reading, already feeling something in my throat that could make me start crying any second.

_I, Victor Nikiforov, am giving permission for Yuuri Katsuki to skip his daily ice skating practice because of really important reason – his birthday._

_P.s. Do you think you could just skip your practice without my permission?_

You baka. Really. I could hear how Victor is laughing in the hallway and I was standing here smiling like an idiot.

 

“Yuuri!! HAAAAPPY BIRTHDAY!!” I met everyone in the hallway of the main house. It was Phichit who first jumped on me, making Ana behind him almost angry. Alexey had to hold her hand, just in case. I already knew this jealous bright look she had in her eyes. Oh… I can already see that today we will have a lot of fun with everyone.

“Thank you Phichit.” I said hugging him back and then he gave me a small box covered in green shinny paper. Oh, God… presents. I just forgot to tell everyone not to buy anything. I really don’t know how to react while opening them. Also, I knew this expression of Phichit, there is definitely something not really good inside. Seung-Gil standing next to Phichit bowed to me and I did the same, alright I didn’t want to hug him anyway.

“Yuuuuuriii. S Dnem Rozhdeniya! (Happy Birthday)” Ana pushed Phichit and just after a few seconds was already hanging on my neck. Oh, I already forgot that she loves doing this so much. “I missed you soooooo muuuuch.” She gave me a kiss on the cheek and I pressed her harder in my arms. I also missed her, I still have to thank her and Alexey for a lot of things they have done for me. Just with their help, I was able to find what I missed on the ice. Talking about Ana’s brother, the perfect copy of young Victor, he couldn’t wait for his sister to let me go, so he just decided to move her from me by force.

“Happy Birthday.” He said giving me a small hug, not paying attention to Ana who didn’t get as much attention as she wanted. I happily hugged Alexey back and he gave me one more box, covered in yellow paper, this time the form of it reminded me of a book. Alright… book is nice, actually, I haven’t read anything for so long. I just hoped that it’s not written in Cyrillic alphabet, I still had a hard time writing and reading in Russian.

“Congratulations on getting old, pig.” After Alexey moved to the side, I finally saw the person who I really wanted to see. Yurio was standing there with his cool face. Oh my, his hair got longer, he stopped cutting them? And he looked different… More… healthy? Maybe it means that his grandpa is feeling better or it is because of Otabek who was standing next to him? Yurio's lover waved for me.

“Happy Birthday, Katsuki.” Oh, my god… I just can’t. I looked at Victor who was standing behind this cat couple smiling widely, looking really really excited. I totally understood him. Do you see? Do you see? Yurio and Otabek are togetheeeeeeer! Oh my God, Oh my God… they look so good next to each other. Yurio was shorter and more skinny, with his blond hair looking like perfect and beautiful Russian princess and Otabek looked like a real strong man, who can protect that stubborn grumpy kitty from any danger. I never thought that I could be happy for someone like that. “Why are you giving us this dumb smile of yours?” Yurio asked and I got back to reality.

“Hahaha, nothing… thank you both. Welcome, everyone! Let’s go to the living room.” Yurio rolled his eyes and I let everyone pass. Before going Otabek gave me a red gift bag, I nodded thanking him for the Birthday present, but it wasn‘t enough for him. Otabek put his hand on my shoulder and leaned forward.

“Thank you. He said that you are the one who told him to call me.” He said this silently and really fast I held my breath and nodded again, feeling how Victor is watching us. Otabek quickly let me go and went after everyone to the living room. I was waiting for Victor to take off his shoes.

“You think Otabek is bottom or top?” Victor asked taking off his coat, I mean my coat. Whatever, if our souls belong to each other, so clothes don't matter at all. I was more shocked by his question. Hm… I don’t know the answer, maybe Phichit could know? He just sees these things.

“Dummy…” I took his hand into mine and pressed those long and strong fingers. Victor gave me welcome back kiss on my cheek. I should have woken him up earlier.

 

  
“Is this the food that God eats?” Alexey asked after trying katsudon. He didn’t know that he just perfectly repeated Victor’s words when he tried this dish for the first time. I couldn’t hold my smile, Victor who was sitting next to me either. Katsudon is special indeed. It’s just sad that Simon wasn’t able to come in the end, he had a lot of work, but he promised that he will definitely come to final in Kyoto. It was planned, that everyone will come there, so somehow I will have to find three separate rooms for these pairs in front of me. It’s good that the main house is big enough. We were sitting in the living room around the table, all eating and talking. Mostly talking Phichit, Ana, me or Victor… still, it wasn’t so bad, as I thought it will be.

“Yuuri you should open presents!” Phichit said after taking a selfie of us all together. Oh? Look at presents? I thought I will look at them when I will be alone, but when Ana also started nodding, looking so excited I sighed. Alright. I will.

The first gift Victor gave to my hands was from Otabek and Yurio. I opened the bag and took out fluffy slippers with cat ears. My lover had to cover his mouth with palm because he began to giggle so hard, that he almost started choking at the same time. Well… they were cute. I think… I could use them in the bathroom. Victor was already crying from laugh, of course, imagining me wearing these without any clothes. Really funny, I will make him wear these one day. I nodded to the cat couple and Otabek showed me his thumb up. Alright… next is Ana’s and Alexey’s present, this one I took myself because Victor was still getting back to himself. I was wrong… it’s not a book. It was a photo album, really a simple one, but beautiful. Cute gift. At first, I thought that it’s empty, but then I saw that it is already full of photos. But not photos of me or of them…

“We thought… that one photo is not enough, sooo…” Ana smiled after seeing that my eyes got big looking at photos of Victor from his childhood. Oh my, in the first photo he was just a baby. Naked baby Victor. He was chubby with red cheeks, really cute. He didn’t have many hairs on his head, but he was already smiling with those bright eyes looking like the happiest baby in the world. So that’s how the most beautiful baby in the whole world looks like? Grown up Victor next to me, was looking at the photo with an opened mouth, I am not sure he is happy or not.

“Let me see!” Yurio quickly took from me the album and looked at the photo himself, then started laughing so hard, that he had to press his forehead to Otabek shoulder, Phichit leaned forward and also looked at the photo.

“Such a small penis…” he was looking at the photo really interested, Yurio was almost dying from laugh. Victor suddenly grabbed the album and hid behind his back. I looked at my lover, it’s strange to see him getting blushed. My poor baby… they don’t have any idea what kind of cock he has right now, I mean… jeez, he was just a baby here. Anyway, it’s not about that. Victor was really beautiful as a child! They are just all jealous. I quickly grabbed Phichit’s birthday present, ripped the paper, but closed the box even before opening it until the end. I saw enough.

“What is there?” Victor asked after seeing my face, he was already calm after hiding that photo album from everyone. I will look at every photo later, maybe together with him. I think Victor would be able to tell me more about each. That was a really good present, but Phichit… he just… I gave Victor the box blushed as a tomato. Phichit was smiling, I bet Seung-Gil didn’t have any idea what his lover has put inside the box. Victor looked inside just for a second. “Ooooh, nice. Thanks!” He suddenly became so happy, as those pink handcuffs, mask to cover eyes and lubricant were for him. We are not using any of this today! I hope he knows.

“Let’s go for a walk and then we can go to Onsen.” I jumped on my feet collecting bowls from the table. My words were enough for everyone to forget about these presents. I knew that hot springs will be the solution for everything.

  
So we went together to the park and then came back for Onsen. Honestly, I didn’t think that my birthday will end up at some bar, drinking sake and talking about the purpose of the life. It was funny and sad at the same time. We were almost all drunk... I have never seen Yurio drunk until now and I couldn’t imagine that he becomes such adorable thing. All of his anger was gone, Yurio laid his head on Otabek's shoulder all blushed, looking so happy, talking how he goes back to skating next year. I also hoped that he will come back because after I retire someone will need to kick those newbies asses, Yurio was still young, I mean he is 20 years old, every door is opened for him in ice skating. Otabek didn’t say anything about his future, but just seeing how he looks at Yurio I could say that it will be something related to him. Phichit was still holding on his dream to start dancing in shows on the ice, I knew that he is already participating in some, but he always wished to have a bigger role. It’s just a matter of time now. Ana and Alexey didn’t drink, so that's why they had a lot of a good time taking pictures of us.

“Victor, what is you dream?” Phichit asked and even Yurio opened his eyes, lifting his head to listen better. Hm… I could imagine that Victor will say something about me, but what exactly I didn’t know, that’s why everybody was looking at Victor, waiting for an answer. As for my lover, he was already sitting without his shirt, I couldn’t control him from taking them off, but just in case I was holding one hand on his leg, I hope he will wait until home to take pants off.

“I… I already have everything I need to be happy… but I really want one thing in the future…” he said looking at the empty bottle of sake in front of him. What could it be that he wants? Can I give this to him? And when he says future… he means… oh my God… he is talking about marriage??? “I would like Yuuri to eat a lot of katsudon and get chubby and fluffy again that I could knead him and cuddle like a huge teddy bear.” He sighed like seeing something really beautiful in his mind.

“It's… your… biggest…dream…?” Yurio opened his mouth from astonishment, but Otabek after hearing something about bears was more interested than anyone else here. And I… I… suddenly I felt tears in my eyes.

"I want to eat katsudon with you, Viktor. Forever." I suddenly wrapped my arms around his neck and started crying like a baby, pressing my face so hard at his shoulder. My lover hugged me back nodding fast. I want to eat with him and become his teddy bear and then be fluffy and cuddle and just be lazy… I want to live all my life with Victor. I just need this so badly. I need him to be my katsudon. I will eat everything he will give to me, I promise. Victor grabbed my face and started kissing me hard and passionately. I heard how Ana, Alexey, and Phichit gasps at the same time. We were sitting somewhere in the corner so I don’t think that someone else could see us, but just the only one person here could have thrown a shoe at my head.

“Get a fucking room!” Yurio shouted at us and I flinched, remembering that we are in front of the people. My head was dizzy, I could still feel the taste of Victor’s saliva in my mouth. I want him so badly right now. We must return home. I guess my eyes just said everything because Yurio didn’t have to repeat twice, Victor grabbed my hand and we rushed from the bar, leaving half of them in shock and other half laughing. We even left our coats there.

As soon as we closed (and locked) our door, Victor pressed me against the wall with his body started kissing so hard, that my mouth began to hurt. But it was more pleasure than pain. I moaned right into his lips and jumped wrapping my legs around his waist, grabbing his soft hair, pressing him to me as much as can. My body is getting on fire, every part of it starts to burn so hard from his hands. Victor lifted my shirt, we didn’t have time to unbutton it so I just took it off like it was some kind of t-shirt. He moved his lips from mine and started to kiss a path until my neck, leaving marks everywhere, by biting my skin and sucking it. Sounds from my lips came out right in to his hair, as I pressed my face to it. Give me… leave all those marks… give your body to me Victor… mark me so hard, that those marks would stay forever. He grabbed harder my ass and carried to the bedroom. Before we laid on the bed, I searched for the button of his jeans and quickly helped to make them go down. I bumped on my back on the bed, letting him go with my legs, that Victor could take off my pants.

“Are you wearing my boxers?” he suddenly asked, kneeling between my legs and looking at those dark blue boxers. I was breathing fast holding on sheets, I didn’t think that it’s possible to blush even more, but I was wrong… Oh jeez, my face. I covered it with palms and nodded. Yes, I am wearing his boxers. And I love it. “Yuuri… for God sake… I am sorry for your ass.” What? He suddenly grabbed me and turned around, taking off my (his) boxers of my ass. Victor was always so fast at this, getting lubricant from somewhere and preparing me. He put both of his fingers in my ass so suddenly that I flinched and screamed at the same time. Victor pressed his chest against my back and I felt how his heart is beating so fast, making my whole body feel like some kind of drum. I wrapped my arms around the pillow and squeezed it hard, Victor’s fingers are moving so fast, he is impatient and a bit rough. And the pillow is the one who gets all my moans and screams. It‘s good. I want that, I like that... fuck me... please... I am dreaming about this from the morning. Before entering me, Victor pressed his lips on my shoulder and fully filled me just with one move. I also started moving my hips with his, as a synchronized dance, I know how he moves inside me. I know what I have to do reach for pleasure, to make him feel good. When I came for the first time, letting out deep sigh Victor turned me around and I had to leave that pillow which had wet spots from my saliva.

“Hey… love…” he said with a little bit out of breath. I wrapped my palms around his face and lifted my hips, that it would be more comfortable for him to put in again. He still didn’t reach his climax… I am happy that I will be able to see how he does it.

“Heeeey…” I answered with a smile on my face and after a few seconds gasped when he entered me again, this time really slowly. His cock was pulsating inside me so hard and fast, I can feel him so well tonight. Everywhere… This reminded me of that night when we both decided not to give up on what we have. We were having sex non-stop until 3 a.m. until Victor just reached his limits for that night, he was sleeping like a baby for next twelve hours. This time my lover moved more slowly, looking right into my eyes, holding one hand on my palm which was on his face and with another one holding on the bed. His arms are so strong, like all body. “Aaa-hh…Ahhh… Vic-Victor… here…right here…do-n’t…don’t sto-p.” I started moaning hard while trying to say words. He just reached it… that amazing spot. Oh jeez… I think I will come again… now. “Victor!” I arched my back and closed eyes. His name was my key of setting myself free. We came at the same time, Victor pressing forehead to my chest and I holding on his hair. It‘s sooo hot inside... ah...

I was lying on my back still breathing fast and hard. That was amazing... really amazing. I wish I could just fall asleep, but I still need to show for children where they will sleep. My lover was on me, holding his cheek on my chest and I was rubbing his hair with one hand. I always grab them so hard while sex, but he never says anything... I need few minutes to come back to reality... I was still in some wonderful dream. Victor was holding my other hand I suddenly felt how he puts something in my palm. It had a shape of heart… it’s small… it’s a box.

“I don’t have anything that I could give to you… just my heart. So take it… but you can’t open it until the final.” His voice was like a breeze of warm wind. He kissed my chest, where the heart was and I pressed the box harder in my hand, feeling how tears starts falling down my face. My heart is itching and I am holding Victor’s heart in my hand. It’s so small. It’s so fragile. It's mine. “Happy Birthday, Yuuri.” It’s around 10 p.m. now. My Birthday.

* * *

 

  
**Message: _Pork cutlet bowl_ 12:30 a.m. JST**  
_YOU DUMBASS, WHERE ARE YOU?? WE DON’T KNOW WHERE OUR ROOMS ARE!!!_


	34. Chapter 34. Yuuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I think when Victor said future… he had in mind at least 10 years later.” I laughed and also stepped towards the door, but Yurio was standing there frozen, he slowly turned around and I saw that his green eyes are opened widely, as almost he is in shock after hearing something he didn’t expect. What? Doesn't he believe that we can stay so long with Victor? I had at least 50 years in my mind. But then why after seeing Yurio’s face my heart started beating so hard, almost painfully?
> 
> “He… he… didn’t… tell you?” he asked with long pauses and trembling voice, still full of surprise. He didn’t tell me what? Is this some kind of a joke? Victor has told me everything! I am sure of it, he couldn’t hide anything from me. From my face, without any emotions, Yurio understood my answer. “Yuuri…” It’s bad. He is saying my name. Yurio never calls me by name, unless is really important. “That explains a lot. Victor… he… won’t… -“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meow!~ (I learned this from Yurio's cat)
> 
> Don't pay attention, it's just my day was hard, but I managed to finish this chapter! Whoo!!~ Good for me and for those readers who were waiting for this :3
> 
> Should I say sorry already?~
> 
> We areeee going to Grand Prix final in Kyoto next chapter!! <3 whooo~~ short program, spending some time in the city together and bla bla bla... I really love this family a lot! <3
> 
> kisses&hugs <3  
> Vitavili
> 
> P.s. Yurio and Otabek just.. hahahahaha, got me good.

**2021, December 4.**

The Grand Prix final is on the next day after tomorrow. I am ready… no, I am not… I don’t know. It’s nothing to worry about, I know I did my best in practice, everyone around helped me to find everything I needed. And to be honest, in any normal circumstances, I would never be worried about winning. It’s my last year so I should be doing it for fun, for pleasure, enjoying my time on ice in front of everyone. But this time is really important for me to win gold, not because of the medal itself, but because of that promise I made Victor give me. I know it must have been a joke, but somehow if I win gold that might feel more real. Especially now, when I had Victor's heart, but he told me to open it just on the day of final, of course, he had in mind after winning final, not before that. I was carrying that little box everywhere with me, that I could feel that his heart is safe. Now I just have to concentrate and do everything right, sounds easy, right? Give everyone the hope I have inside, share for the last time. I have to give everything that later I won't have any regrets. I won’t disappoint anyone. I can’t. I have changed, now I really know what I want. In the past, I couldn’t see my future without skating, but now it's had the same bright colors as present. I was sure of it… or at least I wanted to be sure, despite itching in my heart. It will go away after final, I know… I just can’t let myself be nervous.

“Yuuri you are here?” after hearing a voice behind my bedroom door I almost flinched, quickly hiding the little box I was holding in my hand, putting it inside of the luggage and then closing it. That dumbass Victor, he didn’t lock the door again, right? You see, it’s easy to become from love of your life to a dumbass. It’s special talent that only Victor had, with his goldfish memory, that last three seconds.

“Yeah, I am here Phichit, come in,” I said turning around at the door and when Phichit entered I smiled at him. I couldn’t say which of my friends was the best, they all had something different and special, but Phichit was with me longest. Despite his obsession of me and Victor being together, I could tell that this man really has a kind heart.

“Where is Victor, is he hiding naked in the bathroom?” he asked going towards the bed. Phichit sat on the corner of it and I sighed. You see what I am talking about? He never misses a chance to tease me. But to be honest he was doing this so many times these days that I almost got used or at least I stopped blushing every time.

“He went to take a walk with Makkachin before going to sleep.” I looked at the window, it was already dark outside. As I was preparing our stuff that we could leave tomorrow early in the morning, I didn’t pay a lot of attention what is going on outside. But isn’t he talking a walk a little bit too long?

“I see… you know, I just wanted to come and say that you have matured a lot.” With next Phichit sentence I suddenly forgot what I was thinking about just now, I turned my head at friend and blinked. What does he want to say with that? “Hahaha, don’t look at me like that… it’s just I was watching you and Victor for these past days…” Of course, you were watching, and also taking notes for your fanfic, right? After Grand Prix final I will have to do something about that Fandom site. “You look different… I don’t know… I can see that you trust yourself more. I just want to say that I am happy about that. No matter that it took ages for you to grow up. How are you feeling about this?” I took a deep breath. Is it really so visible? It’s true that… I don’t feel lost anymore. And after everything, I finally started thinking that I also deserved to have happiness with Victor because nobody else could replace him. I smiled at my friend. Maybe it’s true… maybe I have matured.

“How I am feeling… well… It feels easier to… Are you taking notes????” I opened my mouth when Phichit took out his notebook and opened it. NO way, I am not giving any kind of interview to this sick fan. Oh jeez, I hope he hasn’t done the same with Victor? I know that my lover could have told everything to Phichit.

“Don’t worry Yuuri, nobody will know that you said this to me!” It’s not about that! I am not saying anything to him about my relationship. I can’t believe that he tried to use me to get more information! As soon as I started going towards the door, Phichit jumped on his feet. “Is it true that you will be dancing with Victor in Gala exposition?” but I was already putting on my shoes. Phichit, it’s just too far! Well alright, maybe this last question is not that kind of secret, I mean he saw how I am practicing together with Victor, but still. Now I could feel the difference between watching and stalking. Phichit had to give up because I went outside with poker face, leaving him behind. Thank you, God he was smart enough not to follow me.

Gala exhibition… of course, I can’t be sure that I will dance there. For that, I need to win at least third place. But my goal was the first and I wanted to dance in Gala with Victor like after the first time when I won silver in Grand Prix. The last time like the first. I smiled to myself thinking about our dance if we really manage to do that triple flip at the same time…

“Yurio!” I froze after entering the dressing room in Onsen. He was standing there half naked, without his shirt. Of course, every of my friends could come to hot springs anytime, but I still got surprised. More not about the fact that he is here, but that he is alone, it was rare to meet him without Otabek.

“Katsudon, the hell, don’t you know how to knock?!” He quickly put on his t-shirt, but it was already too late… I saw what I didn’t have to see. Those red bit marks he had on his chest. Is he also suffering (or in my case, feeling pleasure) from this? I guess the mystery question who is bottom just was solved. I tried to look like I didn’t see anything, but actually, all I could think about is that those marks he had were deeper than the ones Victor was leaving for me. It must have hurt… Oh jeez, what I am thinking about??

“It’s a public place,” I said quickly going towards shelve, where Victor forgot his towels today in the morning. I needed to take them before we left to Kyoto. To be honest I turned around so quickly because my cheeks started blushing from all those thoughts about marks. I shouldn’t be thinking about that at all. Yurio didn’t answer me anything, he was getting ready to leave, but I wanted to talk with him more. I don’t know when I get another chance to talk with him like this. I really wanted to ask him about Otabek, is it true that he have called him because of me? “How your grandfather is doing?” I asked turning around with towels in my arms, Yurio was already next to the door, but he suddenly looked at me. At first, I thought he will get mad, but after few seconds I saw a smile on his face and that was just like an early Christmas present. His smile wasn’t that big, but I could see that he is smiling honestly.

“He is doing better,” Yurio answered and I nodded also with a smile on my face. I could see a huge difference between his appearance now and when I met him in the hospital. Is it true that love can do so much? How did I look without Victor all these years?

“I… am… really happy that you are with Otabek together.” I just had to say that, even if my cheeks started getting red again. It’s not that I wanted to prove Yurio that I was right and I didn’t want him to be sorry for what he have done to me (It really happened in this July? Feels like ages ago), I was just happy that Yurio doesn't have to be alone and sad anymore, because I also know how it feels. At first, I thought that he won’t tell me anything because Yurio’s face suddenly lost all emotions. Oh no no, don’t get mad… I am just... just…

“I called him after watching your free program in Rome.” He suddenly talked, but didn’t move from the place next to the door. My heart jumped so high that I almost gasped. Is it true? Yurio watched it? Not just watched but also he was able to feel my message for everyone? What happened… “Otabek’s family had a deal with their friend’s family that he will get married with their daughter. That’s a stupid and old thing and I couldn’t believe that he accepted that.” He said with a silent voice. I couldn’t believe that Yurio is actually talking with me about that. That’s why I even stopped breathing. Oh, my… that’s more serious than I thought. To go against your family and betray them for the person you love. When you have to choose between these things… I think it should have been hard not just for Yurio, but also for Otabek. And when Yurio told me he was hurt maybe it means… that he asked Otabek to stay with him, but back then Otabek chose his family and not Yurio?

“We all have done a lot of mistakes in the past. The most important that we have accepted them as a lesson.” This was my answer, I don’t think that it’s my thing to know more about the whole situation, Yurio told me enough that I could finally understand him completely. Somehow it's a good feeling finally get all the answers I wanted to know. I will have to share this with Victor.

“Don’t talk too smart, it doesn’t suit to you, pig.” Yurio rolled his eyes, but I still could see a little smile on his face. Just how cool this kid is inside? “Also don’t forget to start eating katsudon after the final, I really want to see you fat again. I will laugh myself to death.” Yurio was teasing me again, but this time there was no anger in his voice, so I couldn’t help myself, just smile.

“I think when Victor said future… he had in mind at least 10 years later.” I laughed and also stepped towards the door, but Yurio was standing there frozen, he slowly turned around and I saw that his green eyes are opened widely, as almost he is in shock after hearing something he didn’t expect. What? Doesn't he believe that we can stay so long with Victor? I had at least 50 years in my mind. But then why after seeing Yurio’s face my heart started beating so hard, almost painfully?

“He… he… didn’t… tell you?” he asked with long pauses and trembling voice, still full of surprise. He didn’t tell me what? Is this some kind of a joke? Victor has told me everything! I am sure of it, he couldn’t hide anything from me. From my face, without any emotions, Yurio understood my answer. “Yuuri…” It’s bad. He is saying my name. Yurio never calls me by name, unless is really important. “That explains a lot. Victor… he… won’t… -“

“YUURI!!” somebody has shouted my name so loud that whole main house could hear and we both flinched. This voice was full of fear like after seeing something terrible. One second I was standing here, holding those towels and another one they were already on the floor and I was running through the corridor searching for that voice. Yurio ran after me and that was a good thing because as soon as we ran outside I saw the view which almost made me fall into his arms. There was Victor, Haruki, and Ana standing on the path which was leading to the main house. If I could say standing, because Victor was almost hanging on Haruki, he was holding him. I grabbed the wall next to me as if I could break it. Is Victor drunk or what???

“What… are you doing here?! I told you to stay away from him.” My voice was silent but clear. I stepped forward to Haruki feeling how heat is starting to go through all my body. It was a feeling that I couldn’t hold anymore. It wasn’t about Victor because he would never betray me, but this punk, I have enough of him. I grabbed Victor from his hands and my lover almost fell on me. He couldn’t stand on his feet at all, oh my… he is heavy… after hearing Ana’s scream earlier others also ran outside and Seung-Gil rushed to help me. Just now I understood that I can't smell any alcohol coming from Victor and his face… his face was pale. “Victor… Victor…” he was barely standing on his feet and when I was sure that Seung-Gil is holding him strong enough I touched my lover’s face it was cold like ice and his eyes were closed. What happened?? It's almost like I am dreaming a nightmare here. It doesn’t feel real anymore. Victor didn’t answer to me, just let the deep and painful sigh out.

“I found him sitting on the bench like that… next to the park… I wanted to call the ambulance, but he asked to bring him home…” Haruki was explaining something but I couldn’t hear a thing. As I thought he was walking for too long! Fuck fuck fuck, I should have gone looking for him. I tried to repeat his name for a few times more also moved silver hair from his eyes, but he didn’t even flinch, just time from time let out those sounds full of pain.

“Yuuri, take him back to the room and give him two pills from the green box. I will deal with this.” Finally, Yurio talked, and I looked at him with tears in my eyes. I didn’t know anything about Victor’s medicine, he was always drinking them by himself, always saying that I don’t have to worry about anything. But this… what is this..? I tried to nod, but I don't think that I succeeded.

 

Victor was already lying in the bed, sleeping, after I helped him swallow those pills from the green box he stopped sighing from the pain and the color of his face started getting better, but obviously he lost a lot of strengths so he just fell asleep. Seung-Gil and Otabek helped me put him on the bed and then left to help other’s search for Makkachin who didn’t come back with Victor and Haruki. As for Haruki, I think he got his ass beaten by Yurio, who was angrier than anyone else here, shouting at Haruki that he should have called the ambulance or at least taken Victor's phone from the pocket and called someone of us because walking all the way with his condition was really risky. Yurio had a point, and I heard how Haruki tries to explain himself outside but finally everybody left to search for Makkachin, so he was “asked” to leave. To be honest… I was happy that Haruki didn’t call ambulance… because here… I was here, waiting for him. And Victor he must be by my side. Now I was lying next to my lover, on the sheets, hugging him and still silently crying pressing my face to his shoulder. Victor was already looking normally, sleeping with his calm face like always and his heart was beating rhythmically. It’s almost like nothing happened… yet… I couldn’t stop crying. It was just matter of time if he had sat there alone for a few hours more, without medicine… No no no no. I can’t think about this. The most important thing is that we are together again, he is safe here with me… his is alive. I just have to make sure that he won’t go anywhere alone ever again, right? Will it be alright then? If I will be next to him, protecting his heart all the time… But what Yurio wanted to tell me back then? What Victor hasn’t told me until now? I raised my face a little bit and looked at my lover’s face like I could read something from it. But there was nothing written on it. I could just see my beloved features. Victor, what are you hiding from me? I thought that we don’t have any secrets anymore. I wanted to believe that my lover would have said something really important, but I couldn’t forget Yurio’s words, so I had to know the truth. I wiped my tears from the face and took a deep breath.

After making sure that Victor is still in his deep sleep, I left the room to search for Yurio. As I was going through the main house I saw that I got a message from Ana, saying that Alexey found Makkachin on the beach. It was sent more than one hour ago, so everyone should have gotten back by now. It was late, but I hoped that Yurio won’t be sleeping. I stopped in front of his and Otabek’s room and raised my hand to knock, but then I heard a strange sound and I held my hand. I know… I shouldn’t have listened, but… somehow I caught myself leaning forward. Is everything alright there? I pressed my ear to the door and I had to listen really carefully to hear everything but they were talking loud enough to understand.

“Put them on.” That was Otabek speaking, his voice sounded more like ordering, not asking.

“Are you dumb? I am not putting this on… no way." Is it Yurio? Jeez, I never heard that voice before, it was like he is not sure of himself anymore. He was always speaking with that confidence, but now I could hear the doubt in it.

“Why…? I thought you like that.” Otabek like Seung-Gil wasn’t a person who speaks a lot, that’s why I couldn’t imagine that he can speak with such a deep voice. What the hell is he making Yurio do???

“I… don’t. Jus kiss me already. Hey, I said I don’t like it at all. Stop… I mean it. Otabek… sto-p, aaah-aah.” At first, I almost got scared that Otabek is hurting Yurio, but after those moans, my face suddenly started to boil. Oh shit. Oh shit. What’s going ooooon…

“Sooo… why are you getting hard? Mmmm? Yu-roch-ka. Actually you don’t want me to stop, don’t you?” I shouldn’t be listening to that… I shouldn’t be listening… jeez, Otabek’s voice is like a glue, so sticky.

“You idiot… I don’t. I said I don’t… I…Ahahh-ahh… Ota-bek… a-h… don’t… don’t sto-p. Don’t stop.”

“Your… body is so felx-“

“Yuuri, what are you doing?” someone whispered next to me. I suddenly flinched and jumped from the door as far as I could, closing my mouth with palms. It was Phichit. He was looking at me with his mouth opened widely and smiling at the same time. “Were you listening??” He suddenly started laughing and I shook my head, all red. Oh my, God, it’s so embarrassing. I just…

“I … didn’t… I didn’t…” I know looks like I am perverted, but it’s not like that! Jeez Christ, I don’t think I will be able to look at Yurio's or Otabek’s eyes never again after this. It’s just somehow happened. Phichit was still smiling, but I suddenly turned around “I am going to sleep. Goodnight.” After saying this still with shivering voice I rushed to get out from here, far away from Phichit who was standing there and giggling. Does HE knows about that?? I hope that he will keep his mouth shut because I don’t want to get beaten again before Grand Prix final, can you imagine what Yurio would do to me? Otabek was also participating in Grand Prix final, so… kitty would do anything for his boyfriend. I came back to our house still in shock so I didn’t understand at first that Victor was sitting in bed.

“Yuuri…” he said and I lifted my eyes at him, suddenly forgetting what I just saw (I mean heard) and that creepy Phichit giggling. This evening is just kicking my ass so hard, that I feel more tired than after all this week. Victor opened his arms for me, but I stopped.

“Lay down. Now.” I said with some strange voice. I never thought that I can speak so strictly. But seeing him sitting like he wasn‘t just laying on my hands with a pale face, made those words come out. I think I am scared enough for today, no?

“Wow. I just love when you take control.” He said smiling at the same time, and I felt tears in my eyes again. It’s not funny, it’s not funny at all you Freaking Russian Stupid Asshole Gray Gay Baka. Of course, he didn’t listen to me, Victor was still sitting waiting for me. “Come here, my little piglet…” He didn’t have to repeat this again to me. Of course, I broke, I just jumped on the bed and few seconds after I was already in his arms. Warm. Safe. Like always. Victor laid down with me lying on him and kissed my forehead. “I am sorry that I scared you… it seems that I just forgot to take my pills today, because-“

“You can’t. You can’t forget to take them, Victor. You can’t.” I started shaking my head and Victor sighed, rubbing my back. I don’t care why he forgot, there is no reason that would be enough to explain this. “You have to tell me everything about your medicine. I have to know. I need to know… I will take care of you from now on.” I tried to speak as same as before, more serious and strictly, but still, my voice was trembling from tears a little bit. I don’t want to imagine what could have happened if Haruki didn't find him. That’s a strange world, few days before I wanted to kill that man if he would have shown his face again. But now… I really have to thank him. Right… that’s a strict line between hatred and love. Just forgive your enemies…

“Oh, my baby… Don’t cry, please. I am here. Everything is alright now.” Victor started kissing my ears and hair. I hugged him harder and sighed sobbing at the same time. As long as we are together we are strong. How can I not cry? I am crying from happiness, that I have you, that you are alright, that you are here. I don’t need anything else at this moment.

“Vic-tor… what was the result of your last heart check?” I was sobbing, so my voice cracked a little bit, but I still raised my head from his shoulder that I could see his eyes. With the light turned on in the room they had that strong force, like a blue fire. And this look belonged just to me, I have never seen that Victor would have watched at someone else like that. I know that we already talked about his heart check long ago, but I couldn’t get this from my head... that Yurio wanted to say something more about this.

“The last results were good. Love, don’t worry too much, alright? I love you. I will be more careful, I promise.” He gave me a small kiss on my shivering lips and I didn't have another choice just to trust Victor, his gaze was so pure and he had that caring smile on his face. Always I was the weak one and he had to take care of me, but this time everything is different. I also can give everything to him, I can give him best of me.

“Let me take care of you… let me love you with everything I have.” I almost begged at the same time pressing my forehead to his. Victor opened his lips a little bit and I could feel how hot air is coming from his mouth. I am not useless, I can give him as much as he gives to me. I mean, if Victor’s heart really belongs to me, then I also have to take responsibility. “My love isn’t enough to heal your heart?” I asked when he didn’t answer anything. What are you hiding from me… You can’t hide from me because I am your other half, right? You said it yourself.

“Enough… More than enough, Yuuri. You are everything that I need to be healed.” I tried to read if he is hiding something from his eyes, but I couldn’t. Victor was saying the truth, but his voice was sad almost lonely. Of course, after hearing that my cheeks started blushing, it's impossible to control my body when I am with him, even if I felt that it’s not everything I want to hear. I will make him promise this time for sure and he will have to keep his promise because Victor never breaks promises he swears to me.

“Promise me… promise me forever. Swear.” I said kissing corner of his soft lips and Victor pressed me harder against his body. I moved a little bit to take the blanket under my body and covered myself with it. Now when I was able to feel his body even closer, I could feel every move of his every muscular. He is really strong, I can feel this… it must be something else that Yurio wanted to tell me. I didn’t let Victor move his eyes, no matter that it was hard to keep eye contact all the time and because of that I was blushing more every second. I won’t move until I hear this.

“I promise you… I belong to you forever. I will stay with you forever.” Finally, he said, and just after a few seconds I understood why it took so long for him to say those words, Victor’s eyes were getting full of tears. Now I was the one who smiled. It’s enough for now, I believe in everything. I believe in hope. I will never let this to repeat because from now on I will be the one who takes cares of it. And after final everything will get even more official. “I am sorry… Yuuri.” he said this time pressing his forehead to my shoulder. In the end, Victor didn’t start crying, just he was holding me differently. Like always strong, but this time also like someone is trying to take me away from him. Like someone is trying to wrest me from his hands.

“What are you sorry about now?” I tried to laugh silently, but in the end, I just let some strange noise from my mouth. Everything will be alright now. I didn’t want anything so much in my life, just be drowned in Victor’s love and take care of his life. Finally, we were even. Both with defects and weakness and that is something that always brings us back to each other. It’s like a gravity.

There is nothing to be afraid. Because we had forever. He promised this to me. For sure.


	35. Chapter 35. Yuuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “By the way… Yuuri, you said that you want to talk about something in the ice center, remember?” Victor spoke sitting on the bed and hugging his knees with arms, looking down at me. I was lying without strengths, almost sleeping but when my lover spoke I remembered those emotions I had after the short program. That’s right… I wanted to say something.
> 
> “Yeah, I wanted to say… hmm…” I turned my head and opened eyes, that I could see my lover’s face. He was smiling and I also put a little smile on my face. “Victor, after the final, let’s…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeeeeeellooooooooo!!
> 
> Should I start this chapter with sad news? The thing is that next chapter is coming out just next year :/ yes, that's true, because tomorrow I am going to my best friend's birthday and 31st is New Year, of course, so I don't think that I will sit home :D Most likely that chapter 36 will come somewhere between January 1 and January 2. And yeaah, I know... the waiting, because next chapter will be the most important of all in this story - Grand Prix Final and the truth about Victor's health condition ;o  
> Will you miss me? TT_TT
> 
> About this chapter... Yuuri's SP hurt... New commentator is the best aaaaand I just love Otabek and Yurio even more now :D  
> By the way, as the last time, I recommend you listen to the song of Yuuri's short program. Search it on youtube ^-^
> 
> And I know it might be a little bit too early, but I will tell you now because you will get other notes just next year (of course, I will answer to all comments! ^-^)  
> HAPPY NEW YEAR!! I wish you lots of love and happiness!! <3
> 
>  
> 
> With love and greetings from Vilnius,  
> Vitavili <3

**2021, December 6.**

“Welcome back after a magnificent opening ceremony. For those who just joined us I am saying: Welcome to the Grand Prix final of 2021 in Kyoto!! Today on our menu we have Short Programs in men’s single category and in the evening we will see performances of our beautiful single ladies. Well, I mean, I am not sure that they are all single in real life, but just in case of this, boys, be ready!!” I was standing next to the rink with others, listening to this new commentator voice and thinking that today everyone will get a lot of fun listening to it. We were just after our 6 minutes warm up in the ice rink, and I tried to do all jumps I needed for today, but I had touched the ice three time with my hand. Not the worst thing that could happen to me, but still it's the final and I can’t let bad things get inside. Seung-Gil, Alexey, and Ana were sitting somewhere among audience, Otabek was next to me with Yurio and his coach (I don’t have any idea how Yurio got a permission to enter backstage), further Phichit with Celestino were standing, they saw that I am watching at them and waved for me, I tried to smile.

“Alright, let’s start dealing with men’s now! I could say that this year we have a real reunion team! We don’t have any newbies and we have one skater who just came back after two years of a break! Haha, I mean he had a broken leg.” I was standing here with my poker face, I don’t like this joke at all. Broken leg, really funny. Suddenly I felt, that someone is taking my hand, I raised my head and looked at Victor who was standing next to me. He was watching the rink but smiling at the same time. He is proud of me, oh… I pressed his fingers harder. “Sooo here we have a tablet! On the sixth place, we have Leo de la Iglesia from the United States! You know that Iglesia means church in English?” Oh my, God, is he going to make fun of everyone now? I almost could see how Yurio on the other side of me starts to tremble. “On the fifth place Guang-Hong Ji from China, it’s not a surprise that best friends Leo and Guang-Hong are here together, right? I am not the only one who ships them. Hahaha.” OH SHIT, everyone turned around when someone behind us started coughing, it was poor Leo who had choked while drinking water, Guang-Hong next to him was standing all red. I don’t want my turn to come… “The fourth place, for now, belongs to Emil Nekola from the Czech Republic this one is a real sweaty and he loves hugging! Maybe our participants with their coaches want to show us now a group hug, no?” No matter that he said this with a happy voice and everyone in the audience started clapping, no one of us even moved and I was pressed between two different emotions, on one side Victor was silently giggling and on the other side Yurio was turning green. I don’t know how I was feeling, maybe a little bit afraid to hear my name… but couldn’t avoid it.

“And here comes our wonderful trio! I wanted to say threesome but then I thought that it would sound bad. On the third place, we have our Knight of anxiety Yuuri Katsuki from Japan! I mean, who could have ever thought that we will ever see him again in the final unless he could dance on one leg. But you know how they say: Power of Love heals it all, so he is back with his beloved coach Victor Nikiforov. Jeez, that man just never gets old. Victor, you still look sexy!” My heart just froze, I don’t know what slapped me in the face more: that he just told to the world about my problems with anxiety, or that he was teasing me again about the leg, or because he just called my lover sexy and Victor WAVED him with that happy smile on his face. I pressed Victor’s fingers so hard that he even flinched then looked at me, I slowly shook my head and Victor bit his lower lip. Nooot nowww, I quickly turned my head away from him. “Awww, he waved for us! Okay, the second one is the king of Guinea Pigs Phichit Chulanont from Thailand! I heard that behind all this ice skating stuff he is in charge of some really popular site on the internet, just wow, I would really like to hear about this more! And as we see his Husky guard Seung-Gil is not with him this time, I hope everything is alright with you two guys!” I could imagine that Phichit will be standing all blushed just like me, but he was showing thumbs to that creepy commentator. Just how much information does he have about us? And with his hand, Phichit was like giving a signal that he will show that site. Victuuri site. No wayyyyy… Please, Phichit, don’t do that. “Annnd in the first place isssss… oooh such a tension, just kidding, everybody knows that it’s the Bear Prince of Kazakhstan Otabek Altin! It’s sad that his Russian Kitty Princess Yuri Plisetsky is not participating this year, it’s always fun to watch how these two are fighting in every competition for the first place like a married couple. Well, I guess this year is a year of love because we can see them standing next to each other again! Yuri, are you copying Victor and Yuuri and want to become Otabek’s coach? Hahaha, too early we still need you on the rink!” The aura that started spreading from Yurio was so horrible, that I quickly moved to the other side of Victor. I think he was getting ready to kill someone right now. How Otabek is so calm standing next to him? Everyone else was already standing at least four steps from them. The part about Prince and Princess was really funny, but I did my best not to laugh. After what I have heard in the room, I still wasn’t able to talk with Yurio normally.

“Let’s go, Yuuri.” Victor said when commentator invited Leo to come to the ice rink. I sighed and nodded. Alright, I need to do some more warm up, I am the fourth, so I will be able to see Phichit’s and Otabek’s performances. We went somewhere in the backstage away from the sounds. Victor pressed his back against the wall and crossed his arms on his chest. To be honest, we never talked much before competitions, it’s better to stay like this, not let emotions flow too much because it can become harder to concentrate. I took a deep breath and stretched my arms. We came here yesterday in the evening, later than everybody else, because I wanted to make sure that Victor is feeling alright. Actually, I was ready not to participate in the final, but… “Yuuri, come here.” He suddenly spoke silently and every other thought disappeared from my mind.

“Hmmm? What is it?” I stepped forward and Victor kneeled in front of me. What the hell?? No no no no, I don’t need this before my performance! My heart started beating like crazy, but he actually just took my leg in his hand and lifted it a little bit, looked at the blade, then did the same with another one. Don’t tell me… “Victor, I am not that dumb to put new skates again.” Actually, it was a little bit sad to look how he does that as if he was getting paranoid. I touched Victor’s head and wanted to lean forward, but he kissed my right knee and I froze. That’s what I was talking about… emotions, I don’t need emotions at all right now. It’s our first final together after everything and I tried not to think about this too much, but now I just… I also kneeled in front of him and hugged as hard as I could. Just don’t say anything else… be with me. Believe in me like you always do.

 

“Yuuri Katsuki represents Japan!” when man’s voice spoke I entered the rink, but before that looked at the scores table. Emil was in the first place with the score 97,53, Leo was second with 95,34 and Guang-Hong third with 91,34. Anyway, those scores are really high, they are all so strong this year… everyone is special and every of them can win gold. Before sliding into the middle of the rink I stopped in front of Victor, who was standing on the other side of the rink, he was holding my skates protectors in one hand and in another one a toy of little Makkachin. No free hands. I pressed my forehead to his and took a deep breath. Give me strengths that I need to believe in what I am doing. Victor was standing with his eyes closed, after a few seconds I moved away and slid to the middle of the rink, everyone started applauding, I heard how they are shouting my name. I hope that Simon made it in time to come because his flight was delayed. I hope that he is also sitting somewhere among everyone.

“Katsuki’s song for the Short Program is the short version of _The Heart Asks Pleasure First_ composed by Michael Nyman. Actually, the melody is pretty difficult, because it doesn’t have long parts with a slow pace so there is no time to rest if he wants to get good points for movements. The interesting part is that for this dance he is wearing the same clothes that Victor Nikiforov was wearing on his performance in Grand Prix of 2015... if I am not mistaken… so they just share everything, I guess. Aaand the choreography for this dance was created by Nikiforov’s family: Victor Nikiforov, Anastasia Nikiforov, and Alexey Nikiforov. I guess Yuuri has a real passion for this family. We are waiting for him to do the first move.” And I am waiting for you to shut up. It’s not about that… it doesn’t matter who created moves, who created the song, you don’t know anything about my costume for this dance… the most important the feel and feeling in short program is really hard because there are some elements which are required, that’s why you don’t have a lot of freedom to show your emotions, but even with this… I can make something good, right? Once I start… I can’t stop.

“Alright, he started spinning around and sliding at the same time. I heard somewhere that this man has a huge stamina, but he can’t always spin like that, right? Katsuki is turning his spin into Camel position that was a beautiful entrance." Victor, what if I won’t be able to get enough points for this? Will I disappoint you or let you down? I am just wondering how much I can give to you right now… this music is beautiful, but I don’t know why every time when I dance by it, melody feels more and more painful, this music just doesn’t stop and those 2:40 minutes is like a roller-coaster that always just goes down with that unstoppable speed. “Triple Lutz! The first jump with that incredible entrance right away from Camel spin position, he didn’t stop even for a second right now. I heard from my last colleague that Katsuki is able to do hard jumps with his eyes closed, but I just couldn’t believe… and here we have, he is not watching on the ice at all.” If my free program is dedicated to everyone so this one I can do just for you, Victor, I need to do something that only you could understand. Today, my last Short Program in Grand Prix and I am not skating for everyone, I am doing this for you. For the first time we met you have already blinded me and you knew that you will win, right? You already knew that you can take my soul and do whatever you want with it. It wasn’t so hard for you to take care of it, but what about me? What have I done for your soul? “Double Axel, double flip, and loop jump combination! Just how he did this with that spinning non-stop? Katsuki also changes legs and direction without even thinking, can we start calling him the God of spins? That’s just amazing.” I don’t want everyone to cry today looking for me… but I want you to cry, Victor. Cry for me. Because now it’s my turn to touch your heart and soul, believe me, I can change your life, just like how you have changed my goals. “Triple Axel! Impressive landing doing that small additional jump. He is back into the spinning, I guess my head will start to spin now just from watching this.” This one was for Haruki you know, I am happy that I didn’t kick his ass with that triple Axel as I wanted because otherwise you… Victor... you would have been gone right now. You would have become just a memory and I all would be able to do is remember us… remember everything we used to be together. I don’t have anything more precious than your breathing, and if it stops one day, I will stop breathing with you. You know that, right? That’s why you are hiding the truth. “Quadruple Salchow and triple Lutz combination! Oh my, that was high! I heard rumors, that it’s the last season for Katsuki, so he may be giving us everything he has the best now. Personally, I think you can't just dance like that without even stopping if you don’t have some goal.” I finally started sliding slower, but just for a few seconds, then turned around and did the Death Drop, I heard how commenter gasps from surprise. Not much left, it’s already the second part. I still have something to tell you, Victor. But I guess you already know that from long ago. You know all about those posters of you I had, right? Because my heart was taken by you even before I kissed you lips and held your hand… From the first moment when you shared your dreams with me... it's still so deep in my memory. I already know you well, I know what I love most about you – it’s everything. Just like that. “Quadruple flip!! I just want to remind you that this was his coach’s signature jump! But even he never did that jump from the position like this! That turning from the side, Katsuki is wide opened spinning in layback position… that’s just… beautiful.” Victor, I love you. I swear I can’t live without you… so if you say Goodbye to me, I won’t ever forgive you for that. You are not allowed to leave me. We will spend a lifetime together, we will learn more about our fears… now that we cleared all our doubts, finally… love, we are fine. So I am kneeling in front of you… “I think Katsuki will do shoot-the-duck position, a good way to end the performance and…. OH MY GOD! Quadruple Axel, triple toe loop combination! Again triple toe loop and again! Wow! Mind-blowing! I didn’t… I didn’t except that… at all… my heart just jumped, somebody give me water please.” After the last jump, I started spinning more slowly and finally for the first time from the beginning, I was sliding slow enough to stop myself. That was… just something I couldn’t control, I mean… the melody didn’t let me stop… I wasn’t able… I couldn’t. But now my heart was jumping in the throat and I started feeling sick. Really sick… my head just doesn’t stop spinning. Everyone was screaming something and shouting, throwing flowers and some strange toys, the commentator was saying something more but I was lying on the ice, on my back and breathing deeply. Victor… if you die… I will be gone. Just like now. I wanted to smile because I did a good job here, but I could just cry. It’s a lie that short program doesn’t have feelings. It’s a lie… it fucking hurts. My heart doesn’t ask for pleasure at all… it just asks to find peace again. And my peace… I quickly sat on the ice, everyone was still clapping, but I turned my head and saw Victor, waiting for me to finally remember that he is here, waiting. My baby… My lover… my life.

“Victor!!” I screamed so hard as if he was just some kind of ghost and he could despair any second, like a smoke... just… stay. I am coming… I am coming. I quickly jumped to my feet and rushed to him, forgetting to take flowers from the girl who was holding them next to me. I jumped on him wrapping my arms and legs and he had to take a step back because of this attack.

“I am here, Yuuri… I am here…” I think I was squeezing him too hard, but what could I do? Those real emotions I was holding inside from the moment when I saw Victor’s pale face next to my house.... just came out. I had to stay strong because of him and not to turn everything into a panic, but as soon as I stepped on the ice it became impossible. I just can’t explain what skating can do to me… it changes people. It makes everything so fragile. Is it true that everything on the ice we call love? “I am here… I won’t despair.” I don’t know he was more repeating this for me or for himself, but I felt my selfish wish. I felt Victor’s tear on my cheek, just one, but it was enough. I kissed his cheek collecting back this drop and then smiled.

“I did great, right?” I asked letting him go and jumping back on my feet, Victor gave me protectors smiling me back without words, but I saw how his eyes are shining, he just couldn’t talk, because I just reached his heart, I healed it. Just looking at him was enough for me.

  
We were sitting on the bench waiting for the results, I didn’t saw Phichit on my way here so I couldn’t wish him good luck but Otabek was still standing in the same position as before and I waved for him, the amazing part about this was that both Otabek and Yurio showed me thumbs up at the same time. I blushed and quickly looked away with the smile on my face. Yurio tried to hide this, but I still could see that he was surprised.

“Yuuri Katsuki short program result is 118,34! He didn’t surpass the world record set by Yuri Pilsetsky in 2020, but it’s still amazing result!! He is currently in the first place with a big possibility to win a medal! But of course, everything depends tomorrow on Free Program!” It’s the first time today that this voice made me happy, I covered my mouth with palms and froze when Victor hugged me and gave a kiss on the cheek. I did my last short program in the best way I could, with this result that I never reached before in my life. Such emotions… it’s the best final I could ever get. Finally, I hugged Victor back and pressed my lips to his ear.

“I just showed my love to you for everyone.” After my words, Victor nodded, but somehow this nod was more painful than happy. It’s not the end, right?

  
Because of the interview, when we reached the seats Phichit was already finished dancing and now he was waiting for the results. Jeez, I wanted to see so much, it should have been amazing because my best friend got 110,56 points and currently was in the second place. So how it’s possible to predict who will win? Everyone is so good, they have improved so much in those two years I haven’t been skating. It’s so strange… it’s like we all grow up. We all had someone to dance for.

“Where we will celebrate your perfect result?” Victor asked when we were waiting for Otabek to slid in the ice rink. He was still talking with Yurio about something and I wondered if it’s something a little bit perverted because even from here I could see that Yurio’s cheeks are blushed a little bit. My lover’s voice made forget about cat couple and look at him. Finally, he got back to himself.

“In the shower,” I answered grabbing Victor’s hand at the same time and he lifted his eyebrows really interested in my words. I know. I know we had that deal not to have sex before an important competition, but that was in the past and if I don’t get Victor after this kind of performance I did for him, I won’t be able to calm down. Isn’t that clear? Jeez, really, what happens to me after skating?? Every time.

“Bath of love, you say… alright. I am in.” he nodded like we were talking about some kind of holiday trip. This man is just amazing. He didn’t let my hand go, even when Otabek finally slid in the ice rink and everybody’s attention now belonged to him.

To be honest I didn't truly understand what was happening from that moment. I just couldn’t take my eyes away from that man. After seeing him every day I thought that I am starting to know Otabek pretty well, but I was wrong. This strong man on the ice became something so inexplicably catching, that even Victor opened his mouth. And I already thought that nobody can surprise him, I guess I was wrong. Otabek was dancing by a short version of _Requiem for a Tower_. With every new move, spin and jump he made me flinch, it was something intimidating but attractive at the same time. I think everyone around me was also afraid to move or maybe even to breath. Otabek wasn’t just dancing because of the score or impression. He was also telling a story. A story that was unknown to us and just one man here could understand what Otabek is trying to tell.

“He will break the world record,” Victor said silently when Otabek finally stopped and everyone around was released from some strange magic. I even didn’t notice that I was squeezing Victor’s hand so hard, that my skin got pale. In my mind, I still was able to see how Otabek does quadruple Salchow two times in a row without stop. My lover was right, Otabek got 122,23 points setting a new world record. Even after some time I still could see how he presses Yurio in his arms after leaving the rink. I don’t think that I will ever have words to explain how strong it was.

We ended our evening in a traditional Japanese restaurant in the center of Kyoto, everyone was in good mood after the Short program, Simon was also able to come in the end, so he joined us. It was good to feel a part of the big family. Even if I won’t participate next year in Grand Prix, I am sure, that I will come just to meet them. They were all wonderful in their own way. My heart was finally calm seeing how Victor laughs with Celestino speaking about some coaching stuff with terms I didn’t know. Maybe they are using some strange words that we couldn’t understand? Phichit was sitting between Leo and Guang-Hong showing them something on his phone, I could just sit here and beg that I wouldn’t be something about Victuuri fandom. Ana and Alexey were also interested in Phichit's phone. Seung-Gil and Otabek were talking about motorcycles, actually, at first, I thought that they won’t become friends but already in Hatsetsu I found out that they have some things in common. After looking at everyone I finally pointed my eyes at Yurio who was trying to get rid of Emil questions.

“So... you have a cat?” Emil asked laughing at the same time and Yurio rolled his eyes, I saw that he just want to punch Otabek in the shoulder and say _Talk with your lover, you bitch_ , but he was holding himself somehow.

“Yurio has three cats, isn’t that right?” I also joined the conversation and I got Emil's attention, Yurio covered his face with palm and sighed. Sometimes it’s fun to tease him, you just have to know when you don’t have to cross the line.

“Three cats, that’s a lot! Who takes care of them?” Simon came back to the table and sat in the free spot next to me, he was gone to the bathroom for a few minutes, that’s why I wasn’t talking with anyone before. Oh my, maybe we should stop teasing Yurio, because he can get pissed off at any second. I think he just got too much attention.

“One is Yurio’s, other is mine and the third one we found on the street,” Otabek spoke, after feeling that everything here is turning to the bad side. After his words, Emil got into the fan mode about saved kitty from the street. Somehow I felt a little bit embarrassed… I mean sometimes we had trouble taking care of one dog, and they had three cats and from Otabek’s voice, I understood that they would like to have even more.

“And who is taking care of them now?” Simon asked interestedly. That’s true if they are staying here, then who are taking care of them? I mean three cats could do a lot of trouble at their place.

“My grandpa.” Yurio finally talked and that made everyone here smile. So he is really doing better if doctor's let him go home from the hospital. I was listening to this conversation about the cats for some time, but when they started talking about their names I turned my head to Victor. He wasn’t talking to Celestino anymore, my ex-coach was gone somewhere (probably to ask more alcohol), now Victor was looking at something on his phone, I could see from his face that it’s something that makes him happy, I looked over his shoulder and saw one photo we took today next to the Fushimi Inari Shrine. We look so happy here… I think we finally can start adding new photos to our album. I gave a quick kiss on my lover’s neck and he smiled, it’s just one day until the start of forever, right?

This evening was fun for everyone, especially seeing how Celestino is getting drunk, he was the only one who was drinking alcohol. Obviously, those who were skating tomorrow didn’t want to risk and other’s just wasn’t really in the mood. When I asked Victor why he is not drinking at least one beer, he said that he wants to remember this evening very well. Of course, I thought that he is saying this because we don’t know when will be the next time we get to see everyone in the same place. Victor was calm, he was smiling, talking with everyone and laughing, but then why I am getting so sad looking at his eyes? It must be again that anxiety stuff, I just have to get over it. I think everyone decided that it’s time to go home when Phichit started reading out loud some new fanfiction. At first, I couldn’t understand what it’s about because it was talking something about spaceships and galaxy, but then the story turned so wrong that I couldn’t listen to it anymore. There was some guy who heard how his two friends were having sex and the man behind the door said: Your body is the most flexible of all I have ever seen…

“AAAAAAAH!” I suddenly grabbed Phichit’s phone from his hands and threw it away, of course, I did this instinctively, I didn’t have any idea, that I will hit Yurio with it. You can imagine what happened next, right? Victor had to carry me to the other side of the restaurant as fast as he could and Otabek used not just his arms but even legs, to stop Yurio from coming after me. Jeez Christ, now I never will be able to ask this Princess what he was talking about in Onsen.

 

  
“It was fun!” Victor laughed when we entered the room in the hotel and I sat on the bed still with the fast beating heart. I almost died from Russian fairy! But the thing is that I actually saved him from hearing how he had sex with Otabek. Phichit didn’t say any names from that fanfic, but I just knew… I mean… I also heard… stuff. “Yuuri…” Victor spoke again and I lifted my eyes at him. Victor was going towards me, taking off his clothes at the same time. My heart just froze when he slowly started to loosen his dark tie. Victor stopped just a few steps from me, his gaze has changed from the one in the restaurant. He was looking just at me, again burning me in those warm flames and I started melting right away. I grabbed sheets with my fingers harder and bit my lip, feeling how my mouth becomes dry. Victor finally took off his tie completely and started unbuttoning his white shirt, very slow... it seemed that time here just stopped. With every button, Victor touched a little bit of his skin with his fingertips and I started feeling how everything below my stomach starts burning. When his shirt was on the floor and I could finally look at fully naked skin I leaned forward and he came closer. Is his skin always was so beautiful? It’s like made of porcelain. I have… I have to touch it. When I reached his abs with my dry and hot lips, Victor sighed, giving me another wave of those hot chills. I tried to lick his skin with my tongue and the taste was wonderful, even if just a feeling of Victor’s eyes on my skin made me blush so hard. He lifted my head with his hand and leaned down to kiss me, I wrapped my arms around his waist and then stood up.

You know what we were doing next? Dancing. My lover took me in his loving arms and started moving, I couldn’t resist him, even if pair dancing on the floor wasn’t my thing. I felt good, touching his naked skin, being so close to him and feeling how Victor is moving around by small steps, holding his lips on my hair. At that moment I thought that if I could stop the time, I would do it now. Forever stay in this perfect moment with him. And If I could change something in the past, I wouldn’t do anything… because everything that happened led us to this moment. Everything that happened wasn’t without reason… Because now our love was made from steel… and it will stay like that. I suddenly happily jumped on Victor with a smile on my face and kissed him. How could we create more perfectly memory in Kyoto than this? Him laughing and spinning around with me in his arms? And then Victor made my dream come true… he loved me in the shower so many times, that in the end, I barely could stand on my feet… My whole body was shivering after reaching climax so many times and it was hard to concentrate my thoughts. Maybe it’s okay that man’s single free program takes place just in evening tomorrow.

“By the way… Yuuri, you said that you want to talk about something in the ice center, remember?” Victor spoke sitting on the bed and hugging his knees with arms, looking down at me. I was lying without strengths, almost sleeping but when my lover spoke I remembered those emotions I had after the short program. That’s right… I wanted to say something.

“Yeah, I wanted to say… hmm…” I turned my head and opened eyes, that I could see my lover’s face. He was smiling and I also put a little smile on my face. “Victor, after the final, let’s…” I couldn’t finish my sentence because his face suddenly started turning pale, he opened his mouth and I covered mine with palms. Oh shit, just now I understood how this sounded!! God damn… It’s nothing like that! I quickly grabbed my lover's hand from his knee and kissed his fingers. “After the final, let’s move back to Sant Peterburg. Let’s go back home, where we belong.” I quickly finished what I really wanted to say and Victor sighed suddenly laying down, next to me and wrapping his arms around my body. Thanks, God, his skin got normal again.

“Jeez, Yuuri, you will give me a heart attack.” He pressed his forehead to mine and I smiled feeling guilty, I really didn’t want to do that. It’s just slipped out. “Actually I was thinking about this myself… you know.. I haven’t sold our old flat… I am just renting it.” When he said this, somehow I got really happy, already imagining our lives there. Again. Together around those walls where everything started. I want to go back! I want to live a happy life there with Victor.

Tomorrow is the day. I already had that little box in my coat pocket prepared.

Actually... two little boxes.


	36. Between us.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Neither A Happy Ending Nor The New Beginning. There is no Happiness. There is nothing left that I could Overcome. It's just an Eternal Pain. What I suppose to do now, when my Hope is dying?

                                 

_What if I tell you that forever sometimes is just a moment?_

* * *

 

Like every other morning I woke up in his cold arms, but I don’t know why I was feeling more happy about this than any other day. As soon as Victor’s fingers touched my body, I couldn’t stop myself from smiling. I heard how he sighed from relief and pressed me against his chest harder. I didn’t mind to be awakened like that, I was even used to this kind of morning start, so it wasn’t a surprise, but today something was different. My heart started beating faster and I wrapped my arms around his waist, pressed my face harder against his chest and I couldn’t stop smiling. Victor’s body was a little bit sweaty, but despite this, he decided to hug me. He was still sleeping, I could say this by his calm breathing. Victor… you can’t even imagine how happy I am that I get this wonderful miracle – wake up every day like this. It’s like addiction, I don’t want to meet mornings in any other possible way. Today must be a perfect day. I wasn’t even feeling nervous about the upcoming Grand Prix final. I will show what I have the best and I will end my career on ice with the smile, with hope about better tomorrow.

“Yuuri, are you sleeping?” Victor’s sweet and sleepy voice reached my ear and I shook my head still smiling, like I could ever sleep when he speaks to me with this kind of tone. My lover hid his nose somewhere in my hair and sighed again. Just now, I started feeling that not only his chest was sweaty but also back, but Victor didn’t have a temperature, his body was warm, like always.

“You had a nightmare?” I asked after few minutes lifting my head, so my lover also had to move. First thing in the morning, to see his blue eyes is not just a pleasure, it’s more like reached life goal. I slowly rubbed his back and then touched hair, they were also a little bit wet.

“I won’t say so…” Victor pressed his forehead to mine and his voice became even sweeter. “It was more about the pleasure…” with his every word I could feel how I am blushing more and more. Victor had the talent to turn any simple thing into something embarrassing attractive. It’s not fair… because now we will have to wait until night to turn his “pleasure” dream into reality. All I could do is let that sad moan from my mouth, when Victor kissed my lips and then rolled on his back, letting me go.

“What’s for breakfast?” I asked and sat on the bed, then again my face turned red when my lover started silently laughing and I understood how perverted my question sounded. I didn’t mean like that… Still, with the burning cheeks, I rolled my eyes and jumped from the bed. After yesterday I was sure that today I will have problems with hurting back or ass, but I was perfectly fine. Victor… he is just so attentive to details sometimes.

“Where are you going?” I gasped from surprise when Victor suddenly grabbed me from behind and made fell on the bed. His face was above mine, just turned upside down. I blinked few times as he was holding my shoulder pressed against the bed, not letting to move. My lover’s face was shining with happiness and I touched his lip with my thumb, so soft. “You are just too adorable.” He said kissing my thumb and then taking it into his mouth, he slowly liked it and my heart started jumping again. Like, I said… it’s not fair.

“I- I… seriously asked about breakfast.” I don’t have any idea why my voice cracked in the beginning, but it was still fun for him. Victor leaned forward to kiss my forehead, let me go and then got out from the bed. Now I was the one lying and watching at upside down Victor, who was walking towards the bathroom with that perfect naked body of his, full of confidence in his every step.

“I think I overate yesterday in that restaurant, everything was so delicious, so I will pass breakfast, but we can go to restaurant downstairs.” He finally answered to me before entering the bathroom and I forgot about all sexy things. I don’t really remember him eating a lot yesterday… or maybe. I mean, I was spending a lot of time talking with Simon, Alexey and looking how everyone is teasing Yurio, that I really didn’t see how much he ate.

“Are you feeling sick?” I sat on the bed, but Victor was already inside the bathroom. Maybe there was some bad food in the restaurant? But everything is fine with me. Actually, I couldn’t understand why I am getting worried because of this thing. I mean… if he doesn’t want to eat breakfast what’s a big deal?

“I am finnnneeeeeee!” He happily shouted from the bathroom and after hearing this voice I calmed down. I will just make sure that he gets normal food for lunch. “Come and join me, love,” I swear I had to dress up really quickly because otherwise, I would have given up.

In the restaurant downstairs, we met Phichit, Seung-Gil, and Celestino. My poor ex-coach was drinking just water and looked really tired, we sat next to them and for the rest of breakfast we were listening how Victor makes fun of Celestino. Despite this funny distraction, my lover didn’t eat anything, I asked him at least few times if he wants something. In the end, Victor asked just for green tea. It was strange for me because Victor loved breakfast and he always told me that it’s the main dish of the day.

“Are we going to start fighting because of me not eating breakfast?” he asked when others weren’t listening and I let my eyes down. I am just starting to feel nervous about the final I guess. Victor is right, why I am so worried about this small thing now? I shook my head and took his hand under the table, showing that I am sorry.

Later we met with Yurio and Otabek. We had a plan go to the smaller ice center, just to do some practice so we will meet with Ana, Alexey, and Simon just before the final. I had a small present for Simon, with Victor’s help we got him a VIP card that he could go with us to the backstage. I wanted my friend to see how everything looks from there. Also after my final dance, I will hug him right away, saying thank you for everything, especially of making me come back to ice skating. I guess I would be still working in the bookstore right now if not Simon, that man just deserves to have a medal, of course, not even mentioning that he saved my life twice. My practice was just perfect, all jumps and spins were going so well that I even forgot to feel anxious about that breakfast or any other stuff. I was waving and smiling for Victor, from the middle of the rink and he sent me a kiss through the air. Yurio standing next to Victor pretended that he is vomiting but even that couldn’t ruin my mood. All this day is just turning into one fantastic hope that I will share with everyone after few hours.

 

“You are perfect, Yuuri.” Victor said when we were in the dressing room, somehow alone for now. I was already with my ice skates and now my love was buttoning up my shirt, while I put on fingerless gloves. I know that this performance was the hardest I have ever done also with deep meaning, maybe that’s why we decided to put simple clothes. I was wearing black pants and black shirt, with few buttons on the top left unfastened. Because this dance was not about my looks, it’s just about feelings.

“Learning from the best.” I smiled wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing his cheek. Victor hugged me with his right arm, the left one was hanging next to his side. A few hours ago he told me, that he must have hit his left arm somewhere because it hurts a little bit, but he couldn’t remember when and where that happened. All I could do was roll my eyes and remind myself to buy some vitamins for memory. Before leaving the dressing room, when Victor wasn’t watching at me, I quickly put in the pants pocket two boxes from my coat.

  
“Wow!!! Guys, it’s amazing here, I feel like a star.” We met Simon next to the entrance of the backstage and now he was going with us through the corridor, looking so excited, Victor and I were smiling seeing him like that. Simon was an amazing talented doctor and most of the time he was acting like a serious grown-up man, but now looking at him, all I could see was a young teen who still had that little child inside his heart.

“You will wait with Victor next to the rink for me.” When I said that Simon almost fully opened his mouth from astonishment. I could bet that he thought that he will watch everything from the distance, but what point going to the backstage if you can't feel all pleasure of being there. Phichit was just after his performance when we walked in, he waved to me and then went to cry and kiss wait for the results. I took my sweater off and wanted to give it for Victor, but he was looking somewhere to the side so I asked Simon hold that for me.

“Everything alright?” I asked not even listening results that got Phichit for his performance, I stood in front of Victor and looked at his face, Victor was holding on his left arm, looking almost into nowhere, somewhere deep in his thoughts, but when I talked, he finally blinked and lifted his eyes to my face, his face was serious and a little bit pale. What happened? He was smiling just a few minutes ago.

“Yuuri, you need to kno-“

“Yuuri Katsuki represents Japan!” the loud man voice shouted and even I couldn’t ignore it. I quickly hugged Victor as hard as I could and kissed his cheek. It must be important and finally he wants to talk with me about that, but we will talk about it after four minutes.

“I love you,” I said right into his ear, but Victor didn’t answer. I waited for a few seconds more, but my time was running out, people were waiting for me go to the ice rink and Victor was still standing in silence. Alright. Maybe he is mad about something? I moved away from him and felt that Victor's fingers touches my wrist, but just for a second like he wanted to hold me from going. I know what is it... he is scared because of those bad memories. All bad things started in Grand Prix final at the end of my Free Program. Poor… baby. He doesn’t have to be afraid, now everything is different. I quickly took off protectors from blades, my glasses and asked Simon to hold them also. Before entering the rink I smirked for Victor. Just look, darling, everything will be more than perfect.

“Here he is!” The man started speaking again when I slid in the ice rink. “Katsuki’s theme for this year is Hope, the song name is _Primavera_ written by Ludovico Einaudi, and choreography is made by Victor Nikiforov, Alexey Nikiforov, and Anastasia Nikiforov. Good luck, Yuuri! Give everyone a hope!” It seems that commentator is not in the mood for making fun of people. Everyone except Simon is just too serious today, but it’s not a problem, let's see how many of them will feel my emotions. I took a deep breath and looked at Victor before closing my eyes. He wasn’t looking at me or at the ice, or at Simon. Like before his eyes were pointed nowhere. Without glasses, I couldn’t see well, but something inside me suddenly punched me right into the heart.

“SIMON!” I shouted so loud that I guess every corner heard me. Music was already playing, but I started sliding towards the exit of the rink. Everything happened so quickly, that even until now I can’t understand this. Victor fainted right in front of my eyes, but Simon was able to catch him before he fell on the ground. From that second I finally understood the real meaning of “losing hope”.

 

  
It's neither a happy ending nor the new beginning. There is no Happiness. There is nothing left that I could Overcome. It's just an Eternal Pain. What I suppose to do now, when my Hope is dying?

 _Yuuri, Grand Prix final was stopped, they said that you can do performance next day… Yuuri?_ I don’t hear you, and I don’t care. Grand Prix… final… gold… medal… there no sense in these things right now. Performance? The hell? Just go away, just go away and don’t talk with me. I don’t even remember how to stand up right now. I have been sitting in this fucking corridor for ages. And there was just one thing in my mind, I finally heard what Yurio wanted to say in Onsen, I guess after talking to the doctor I was able to finish the sentence myself and still… his voice was in my ears and brains and in every part of my body, repeating the same over and over again. _Victor won't live this long. When he had that overdose doctor's gave him five years._ Five years…. Now there is just three left. Three. Years. Doctor’s asked him if he wants to do the operation, but Victor refused. Why are you telling me this? Or I should say why are you telling me this just now? Making fun of me? Every of those words sounded like a bullshit. It’s not true. It’s just can’t be true. _Yuuri, please… Jeez, he hasn't said anything… Simon, do something_. Simon… if not him, now I would be sitting in a morgue, not in a hospital corridor. The feeling is the same cold, as I was a corpse, all my parts were frozen, I couldn’t move. I didn’t want to move unless somebody says to me that everything that happened was just a stupid horrible joke.

“Yuuri… Victor is begging you to come. Yuuri, please go. Talk with him.” I know that he is awake for almost three hours now and since then Victor is asking for me and I wish I could just go, but in my condition it was impossible. Not just because of pain everywhere, but because I wasn’t able to think anymore. I can’t speak, I can’t cry, I can’t move, I can’t feel anything.

“Fuck this shit. Go!” only Yurio can speak like that, who else could have grabbed me by force and made my frozen body move. Somehow I stood up and he started dragging me somewhere, opened some door and pushed me inside then closed it loud. And there was nothing just deadly silence, so quiet that I could hear annoying ringing in the ears.

“Yuuri… you came. I… am sorry.” After his first words, I lifted my eyes and it was the worst mistake I could ever do. Because as soon as I saw him lying in that bed, all pale with tens of thin medical cords and hoses with the names I didn‘t know, tears came out from nowhere. After not feeling anything for more than 10 hours I just broke into the pieces in one moment. He is sorry, right…

“Why…. Why you didn’t tell me?” I finally spoke just after few minutes. My voice was hoarse after so many hours of silence. Everything around became blurry because of the tears, but I could still feel that he is watching me. Of course, it‘s not how you should treat your lover who almost died from heart attack. But he wasn‘t surprised at all. Because Victor knew... he always knew that it might happen someday and it will happen. He knew that he is dying, that every day now is the countdown for him. “WHY YOU DIDN’T TELL ME???!!” I shouted at him covering my face with palms and fell on my knees at the same time bursting in such loud cries, that even deaf would have heard me. I even let nails into my skin that it would hurt more than that pain in my whole body. It didn’t help. I tried to cover my mouth, but the sound was still louder, I almost started choking at the same time because everything inside was ripping apart.

“That’s why… I didn’t tell you.” That’s just amazing how I was able to hear that silent voice of his, maybe my ears they were just... they were living for this sound, so no matter how much it hurts I couldn’t ignore Victor. “I knew… that you will react like this. Please, Yuuri.” His voice was full of sadness and I guess that if Victor could, he would have jumped from that bed right now and rushed to me, but all he could was speak. And I was sure that no matter what he says, nothing will help.

“Wh-at… wha-t I sup-pose t-o do… whi-t those thre-e years? Huh? What? Ma-ke a tab-let and star-t… counting da-ys? I don’t wa-nt that… I do-n’t wan-t to live in that anxiety ever-day… that you m-ght fa-ll and ne-ver wake u-p. I do-n’t wan-t preten-d that everything is alright and then hold you dying in my arms. It’s not a happy ending, Victor! It’s not even a fucking beginning of new life! It’s nothing! It’s… nothing…” At first because of my cries, choking and sobbing it was hard to speak and to understand what I am saying, but then words just started going without thinking and I couldn’t stop them. This is what I have been thinking all these hours. Thinking that he is making fun of me, using me like some sort of thing, like I didn’t have feelings like his death would be a normal thing. His death… my hands they were trembling so badly that from the side it looked like I am moving my head.

“I… I understand what you are feeling… but you can’t leave me, Yuuri. I can’t continue living without you. Even if just a three years… I can’t. I need you.” I couldn’t believe that he saying like that. Saying that I should live with him, and watch how he is fucking dying and accept this like a normal thing. I am imagining things, right? It’s just can’t be truth. I let the sound from my mouth, after hearing this kind of thing. It was too painful.

“You… are the most selfish being on this planet, Nikiforov. You are. I don’t… I can’t live in this world if you are not a part of it! How should I make your stupid brain understand this simple thing?! I don’t need this life without you in it. And you are just saying to accept your death and give you a fucking blessing?!” I finally opened my face, I guess I was looking really horrible with that red face full of marks I left with my nails. Victor froze in his bed, he stretched his arm, showing me to come closer, but I didn’t move. I was so stupid. Just after everything… just now… I understood everything until the end. “So that’s what you meant…” I sighed not paying attention to his hand, I covered my mouth with palm and sobbed, looking at his face full of lies from the start.

“What are you talking about?” he asked, trying to lift his body a little bit like he was ready to get off that bed seriously. Very good. Three years it’s too much for you? You want to die now??

“When we met… in London, you said to me: let me show you what you have done. And later you said that you will show me the truth of this life. So that’s what you had in mind? From the beginning, everything was just because of this? You knew that you don't have much left, so you decided to give me a lesson like that? Is this how it was?” As soon as I started speaking everything was getting more and more clearer. Of course, how could I be so stupid? He was just playing with me, showing me “what have I done”. He wanted me to see how he is dying and feel guilty. Right? “Answer me!” why he's not saying now anything, surprised that I found out the truth? Victor slowly laid down again. Answer me. Just say it. You can’t hurt me more. I am already dying myself inside.

“I knew… that you were a little bit stupid… but I never thought that you can be so dumb. How can you say this after everything that happened in these months to us? After you have seen all these letters, after I told you how I feel in the beach… at last, after all, those times I said that I love you? Yuuri… really… how…” my tears were like a river, they were falling non-stop, making my clothes (the same ones I was wearing in ice center) and floor wet. But Victor’s tears were different. They began appearing one by one in corners of his eyes and then slowly started going down thought his face, making paths until the chin and then falling down on the blanket. His tears were like a child’s… every drop so big and clear… so real. Oh shit… what I have said… I… I was just so hurt… that I am not thinking anymore. I tried to get up, I didn’t succeed for the first time, I fell… again… and… again… but somehow when I finally reached the bed we just hugged each other at the same time. I almost fell on him, just held the weight of my body by putting one knee on the bed.

“I-m…sorr-y… I am sorry…” I started repeating so many times, that I even lost the count, Victor shook his head and hugged me harder, but he was still incredibly weak. I pressed my head to his shoulder making him feel all my cries.

“Yuuri… I really love you so much… I know… what I said when we met. But I really would never play with you like that. It’s just… at the time I was still mad at you so these words just slipped from my mouth… but I even didn’t think about my condition at that moment. I swear…” he was also shivering a little bit, but at the same time rubbing my hair. I started nodding, it’s all I could do now. Nodding, but this won’t lead anywhere. Victor still lied for me… I can’t change that I love him, I know that no matter what, I will stay with him until the end. But I don’t want the end to come… I don’t want. His fingers pressed me harder when I started crying loud again.

“You… you promised me forever… said… that you will be forever with me.” This lie hurt me the most. Maybe when he was still mad at me, he could lie a lot and I can understand that. But forever… he promised me forever just a few days ago. That day, when he was feeling bad. How… could he look into my eyes and just lie like that? How could he give me a hope if hope is dying?

“I know. And I will give you forever… but forever… sometimes forever is just a moment, Yuuri. I will give you my forever. I don’t know how much it is… but it’s yours. Until the end.” After this kind of bullshit, he told me, I started shaking my head so fast, that we were both moving. I don’t understand this kind of forever! Forever is like thousand years together, this is forever. And moment… the moment it’s nothing. I don’t need philosophy. I need a life with Victor. Long life. I don’t need moments…. I need a chance.

“You told me that… your heart check results were good.” I lifted my head and told another lie that he said to me with that calm face of his. What now? Of course, results couldn’t be good because otherwise, he wouldn’t be lying here. “And operation. Why didn't you accept it? You don’t want to try? Why are you giving up, Victor?” I took his face in my palms, cleaning his tears with my thumbs, doesn’t matter that I was also crying like a huge baby right now.

“For my condition they were good… but they will never become better.” He placed his palms, on mine and sighed. I know that this could wait, but I don’t want to wait. I want to hear answers. I need them now. If he wants me so badly, if he loves me so why he refused to try? “At first… I didn’t care about the operation because you weren’t with me and those five years sounded like enough to finish what I had to finish… I even forgot about this limit. And then… when I met you again and when we came to Moscow, remember that day when I came back drunk? So yes… I went to the hospital in the morning and asked about this, they said that back then I had fifty percent chance to survive, but now… because I waited for more than two years I have even less… So I decided not to risk and after that, I went to drink with Yurio. I thought that now I can have a life with you for three years, but if I risk with that operation… I might die and I won’t have any time with you. Everything will be over. So… I just…thought it will be better like that. Shorter but happy life, in place of no life at all. And I promise… I really wanted to tell you, but somehow either there was enough pain around us or either we were too happy and I couldn’t ruin everything… Yuuri… I am really sorry. You are the only reason why I want to live… I really want to live so badly… I love life with you. And when I said that you healed me, I didn’t lie… you are my reason for everything.” I let him speak not even trying to interrupt when he says like that… everything makes sense. But still everything must have a solution, it can’t be so simple. I also want to live with Victor… to live a long life. I want to see how he gets bold and how he gets old... but I am hoping for a miracle right now, no? What can I do? I was looking right into his eyes, trying to read the answer but his look was also lost, just like mine. “But there is one thing… that I can’t wait anymore… Yuuri… open that box.” He talked again because I wasn’t speaking. What? I totally forgot about those boxes in my pockets. I sat on the bed, letting him go and slowly pulled out the box that Victor gave to me.

I knew what I will find inside. I knew from the moment he gave me this box, but I still opened my mouth from astonishment. There was a ring. One silver ring. Simple, but it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. It’s not a wedding ring, it’s an engagement ring… how… how did I feel this? Because I also bought a silver ring for Victor.

“Do you need my broken heart, Yuuri? Will you accept it?” I could feel how he is watching me and I was sitting there frozen, everything inside was just mixing and burning and boiling… and… Jeez. Just too much. Victor took a box from me and pulled out the ring, my hand was already on his chest. “Will you?” he asked again, pressing the ring next to my fingertip, but still waiting for an answer. I don’t know whose hand was trembling more his or mine.

“Yes.” Somehow I managed to say this word without bursting into tears again. I was sad and happy at the same time, and when he put the ring and the kissed my finger, my lips also started trembling. One moment all my body was numb and then I felt that I have such a big heart in my chest that it would be enough to heal everyone in this world. “You will do the operation. You will do it as soon as possible.” That’s what I said looking how he still holds lips on the ring. Victor looked at me and his eyes got wide. “You will survive. You will. Because I am giving my heart to you. Take it and love it. And live for it. If you want. I don’t need my heart without you in it.” I pulled from my pocket another box and put it on Victor’s chest. Obviously, he didn’t except that, for one second I almost got scared that he will have a heart attack again, but after a minute he finally moved, took the box in his hand and opened it.

“Yuuri…” He took a deep breath and finally smiled showing his true happy face. At last. “Yuuri!!!” I took the ring out, feeling how my cheeks start to blush and this time not from crying. “Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.” I even didn’t get a chance to ask, but he started repeating it without any pauses, so I just took Victor’s hand and put the silver ring on. I don’t have any idea how we got this perfect rings match without even talking about this with each other. I kissed Victor, pressing his fingers in my hand. I kissed him hard and this time was different. Because he wasn’t just my boyfriend or lover. He was already my fiancé. I could feel his breath so close to mine like Victor was breathing under my skin. Baby… do you feel how many invisible scars we both have? Just after being together for lifetime… we will heal them. You will survive. I know that.

“I am so scared…” I sighed. Right… that’s the real truth. I pressed my forehead to his and closed my eyes. I just wanted to feel now and that ring… he was so heavy on the finger, but it felt good. I loved this feeling and I don’t want to lose it.

“Me too… baby… me too…”

  
**ONE YEAR LATER**  
**2022, December 12.**

“The winners of Grand Prix 2022 in men’s single category are Third place Lucas Berntsen, Norway!” The boy with gold hair and big green eyes slid into the ice rink and everyone started clapping, shouting his name. That’s just amazing that this newbie got third place, he will really go far. I still remember how he came to me after the competition in London, when I was crying in the dressing room and gave me water, then I told him that he must give up on having an idol. But here he is… I looked how they put the bronze medal on his neck and Lucas smiled, waving for everyone and then for me, I waved him back. “Second place Yuri Plisetsky, Russia! The one who again reached new world record in the short program!” Yurio slid to the rink with his cool face, not evening waving for anyone. Oh, my… he just doesn’t change. I couldn’t hold myself from smiling. I looked how the man puts a medal on Yurio’s neck and then he finally smiled. Yes, that’s the boy I know. “And the first place, gold medal and world record for Free Program this year belongs to Yuuri Katsuki-Nikiforov, Japan! Congratulations!!” I slid in the ice rink with a big smile on my face, turned around and jumped in the air doing triple flip jump and then raising my hands in the air. Best feeling how everyone starts to scream my name and clapping.

“I love you all!!!” I screamed them back turning around again and then stopping next to my friends. “Yurio!” I hugged him hard, making poor boy even flinch, but he couldn’t kick me in front of everyone. I suddenly lifted his body feeling how he starts to tremble. Such a cuuutie. The man next to me was holding my medal smiling and waiting for a chance to put it on my neck. Everyone around after seeing me hugging Yurio got just insane, you can imagine that my friend was getting red and green at the same time.

“Don’t hug me in puuuublic, you pig…” he said silently in my ear and I laughed. I hope that he will never grow up.

“Yurio, look…” I grabbed his face with my hand and made him look to one side. There, among people who were shouting, screaming and clapping, was sitting one man. I can’t even explain how much I paid to bring him all the way from Russia to America. But I did this. Of course.

“Grandpa…???” he suddenly forgot that I am hugging him and covered his mouth with palms. Now Yurio was also trembling, but not from anger, right?

“It’s over for me. But I hope to see you kicking everyone asses for at least 7 years more.” I gave him a smirk and finally let go, letting the man put on my neck the gold medal. You see, I finally got it! I reached my goal! I told you I will. I wish that you could be right here now and see this. But there are things that no one can change.

“Yuuri, congratulations. I could never have a better idol. I am happy that I can stand here today with you.” Lucas told me and I felt how something squeezes my heart. I hugged him with one hand and nodded.  
“You did a great job. Never give up, alright?” after saying this into his ear I let him go and finally photographers were able to do a normal photo of all three. I should have been standing in front of Yurio and Lucas, but I stood in the same line. We are all here, that’s the most important, we all should stand first.

  
After all those photos I finally slid back to the exit of the rink, looking at my gold medal. Should I try if it’s real? Hahaha… I was holding it in my hand, the same one where I had both rings on my finger. A silver one and on top of it the gold. Hm… my medal now matches colors with the wedding ring. With another hand I moved my hair from face, now they were much longer than a year ago. There was one person who didn’t let me cut them anymore… saying that he likes grabbing them when…

“Beautiful…” I heard the most wonderful voice behind me and all other thoughts were gone. I turned my head to him and at the same time my lips just smiled, it’s just impossible not to smile when I see my husband's face.

“Who? Me or medal?” I asked taking off the medal and putting on his neck. Yes, that’s where it looks perfectly. Victor rolled his eyes and kissed my forehead. I sighed happily, looking at my beloved face and eyes. I took his hand into mine and kissed Victor’s ring giving my response for the kiss on my forehead.

“So what now? You are official retired. Should we get to the next level?” he laughed while I was putting my skates protectors on blades and looked at my phone. There was a message from my best friend, Phichit, like I thought before it’s sad that today he is not here, I promised to him that I will win gold this year for sure. He was the one who convinced me to take one more year. But he was traveling with ice shows and this year he didn’t participate in Grand Prix.

“Next level?” I raised my eyebrows. “What do you mean by next level?” Victor wrapped one hand around my shoulders and leaned a little bit forward, with that smile on his face which had a meaning that it’s some kind of a strange thing he wants to say.

“Like… children… or something.” He answered after few minutes and I started giggling. Oh my God, this man… I just love him, really. How he can even think about this thing.

“You are like a big baby yourself.” I murmured to his ear like it would be some kind of secret, but everyone knew this. I mean you just look at that innocent face, kind heart, love for everything around him and shining face, I am not even talking how he is acting at home, always asking for attention.

“Maaaaaaybe, but it’s just between us, alright?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello loves!!! I am back for you <3
> 
> I am writing notes, in the end, this time, because I don't want to be spoiler :D  
> I came back from really hard New Years celebration (xD) and I put all my heart to finish this main chapter of the story!!! I don't know, this chapter is just everything because I was creating it in my head from the moment I started this fanfic. Soooo... yeah. Now I can promise you that we won't have any sad chapters, this was the last one!!! We are going back to 2021 in the next chapter and I can tell you a little spoiler to next three chapters :3 *dam dam damdam dam dam damdam* *singing* xD
> 
> 4 happy, cute and fluffy chapters are still to come!! And I give you all answers you were dying for in this chapter <3 
> 
> Until the next time,
> 
> Love you,  
> Vitavili <3


	37. Chapter 37. Yuuri (dam dam damdam)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Vic-tor… can I sleep in your room?” I asked when he gave me a few seconds for breathing. I lifted my arms and touched his face, lips with thumbs and then eyes, they were also closed. It’s so strange just to feel everything without seeing, but somehow it really gives me those strange chills through my spine. Victor silently laughed after hearing my question with a cracked voice, because my cheeks were still burning. He took my hands in his and kissed my fingers, then put his lips on the engagement ring, I was able to feel his warm breathing.
> 
> “Tomorrow, love. I can’t wait to see you and make you mine forever. Goodnight.” Then he kissed my cheek, let me go and closed the door. Everything happened so quickly that I was able to open my eyes just after a few minutes. I couldn’t calm my heart, but I really felt better after this. Jeez Christ, this love will kill me some day. I came back to my room still blushed, with a smile on my face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, darlings <3
> 
> Ho ho ho~~~ what we have here? Another Christmas? :D I was feeling like that while writing this chapter :D <3  
> Some explanations for this chapter: "I thee wed" in medieval English means "I am wedded to you."  
> Some spoilers for the next chapter: There was someone who wanted wedding dance on ice? :3 <3  
> Some bad news: my exams starts TT_TT I have one on a day 6... and then on 9... and then on 11... and 13... I don't have a lot time for studying, so I don't know how to write next chapter, but I will do my best writing little by little every day. Just wanted to tell you that it might take some time TT_TT alright? <3
> 
> I love you so much!! I love your comments!! I love your LOVE for me <3  
> Be happy with this chapter and with finding out condition about Victor's health <3 <3 <3
> 
> With love,  
> Vitavili <3

**2022, May 15.**  
**Barcelona, Spain.**

I was sitting alone in the hotel room, on my bed, holding the bottle of water in my hands. It’s already 1 a.m. but I can’t fall asleep. I tried to sleep few times, but it was waste of time, my heart was just beating too fast and everything in my mind was so messed up that finally, I had to give up. So here I am sitting on the bed just in my underwear and trying to calm myself down by drinking water. It’s been a long time since I had to sleep alone, but it’s not about that in less than 12 hours I am going to get married to the love of my life. I should be sleeping like I baby just from this thought, right? I am happy, really… maybe that’s why I can’t sleep? From excitement? Or maybe because of thoughts that I was so close from losing everything? And I am getting anxious again? I just hate that. I know how to calm myself down… that person’s room is just in front of mine, but I can’t go and see him. Just one night without him and my heart already can’t find peace… you see… that’s what life did to me. I was looking at the bottle seeing a reflection of me in the glass, I looked different, but for one second it have changed, for one second it brought me back to the end of 2021.

_I am sitting in this corridor for more than twelve hours. They told us, that Victor’s operation will take long, doctors and every of my friend told me to go back to the hotel and wait for the call. But like I could do this? I will stay in the same place where Victor is how long it takes, even it means for a whole week. He is somewhere there, at the end of this corridor, lying on the hospital's bed with his chest opened wide and those doctors are touching his heart… my heart. I knew that he is not feeling anything at this moment, but for me, it hurt like hell and every second more and more. Before the operation, one of the main doctor's told me that he has about 40 percent chance to survive, is like he was testing my reaction, preparing me, but I couldn’t show any emotions. He also said, that if they succeed, Victor will be able to live a normal life without any risk of dying too early. I don’t like doctors at all, but this one was Simon’s friend and he was the best in these types of operations, so I didn’t have a choice, just trust him. Before the operation, I went to see Victor and took his hand but I couldn’t say anything. He smiled at me and kissed my fingers. He said that we will meet again and I nodded… he hasn't said that we will meet soon. I didn’t cry either… but that moment I felt something so much worse than that. I felt that inside Victor… he is ready for this. He is ready for the worst, but I couldn’t say the same._

_Million times Simon came to me today and said that I can sleep in my old place in London or in his, were my others friends were sleeping, but I shook my head. He had to give up, I didn’t ask him to sit with me, I wanted to be alone, actually, but he was still here, if not Simon then someone else: Phichit and Seung-Gil,_ Yurio _and Otabek, Mila, Yakov, Ana, Alexey, Celestino, Christophe… everyone was not just supporting me, but also waiting for Victor. At first, I couldn’t understand why all of them came here, but now I understand, really. I think if not that silent support next to me, I would have gone insane. Now Phichit was sitting with me, Seung-Gil was gone to buy coffee because the clock was showing something around 3 a.m. I could feel that I start passing out, for some minutes I couldn’t see clear. Suddenly I heard how someone is going towards us, but not from the side where Seung-Gil went. All my sleep was gone, I raised my head and jumped on my feet, there was a woman, walking with a face that I couldn’t read. Phichit also stood up._

_“I am… really sorry, but he didn’t survive...“ she spoke after looking at us for a few minutes. What. Phichit wasn‘t in time to catch me, I just fell on my knees. I couldn’t understand what I just heard. It’s just… no. No, right? It’s some kind of bullshit. Phichit was saying something to me, but his voice just too far away, he tried to lift me, but I didn’t move. I don’t want to move. “Oh my…. he is turning pale… wait I will bring some water, I am really sorry… but we told you that with his age is impossible… I mean 89 years for-“_

_“What? Victor is not 89 years old!!” suddenly Phichit voice got clear again and I finally took in a deep breath, feeling how air is going back to my lungs. I raised my head at the women, she was standing there covering her mouth with palms._

_“Victor? OH MY GOD! I am sorry, I was talking about old grandpa named Thomas. I am_ sooo _sorry! I thought that you are waiting for him because it’s oncology department…” she was talking, giving me a small heart attack. I know that I shouldn’t be happy about someone's else death, but somehow I sighed from relief and finally after more than 12 hours I felt tears in my eyes… Jeez, don’t… don’t make jokes like that._

_“Do you know something about Victor Nikiforov? He is having a heart surgery”. Phichit spoke again, with a cold voice. It was the first time I heard him talking like that. Like… he is mad at this women. I don’t know if we can blame her… I mean we are waiting on the wrong floor?_

_“Hm… am… I am not sure. Let me check.” She took out her phone from the pocket and called someone, asked about Victor. At that moment I grabbed Phichit hand harder than I should have, but he didn’t say anything. She was listening for some time, then thanked and hang up the phone. We were sitting frozen, this waiting is killing me. She knows something. “He is in intensive care ward, but it seems that operation was successful, they just want to make sure that he will be alright. You, boys, are waiting on the wrong floor… I guess the doctor was searching for you, but after not finding he decided to call you in the morning… now I am sorry, but I have to find Thomas family…” she sighed looking as the most tired person in the word and then walked away. I also suddenly felt without any strengths, I put my head on Phichit shoulder and didn’t stop myself from crying. My friend waived for Seung-Gil who just came back, telling him the good news._

_Still, I didn’t go home until they let me see Victor… even if I had to wait for ten hours more. The first time I took his hand again and the first time he finally opened his eyes were the most happiest in my life._

Shit. I can’t wait anymore!! I need to see him so much! Especially after remembering this, I just can’t sit in this hotel room calmly and wait for tomorrow. Even if I can’t see him, I must be closer, I need to hear his voice. I quickly stood up and put on a bathrobe, then went out from the room and after one more second I was already standing in front of Victor’s room door. I must go back… I guess he is already sleeping. I tried to listen but I couldn’t hear anything, just silence. Really, Yuuri… what are you doing? I knocked few times and somehow held myself from running away like a small kid.

“I am coming…” I heard a sleepy voice after a few seconds and my heart started beating faster. Oh no, what have I done? I suddenly grabbed the door handle, that way making sure that he won‘t be able to open it.

“Don’t open!” I said still holding the door, after feeling that Victor tries to do that. Oh my… that just crazy. But I wanted to hear his voice so badly… just say something more. Please. I pressed my forehead against the door and took a deep breath.

“Yuuri??? Love, what are you doing here? Why are you not taking your beauty sleep? If you look like beaten I won’t marry you.” He laughed and I shook my head, of course, he couldn’t see that. It’s good for Victor, that he doesn’t have this stupid anxiety problem like I do. It’s good for him, that he can fall asleep just looking at our photos together on his phone. I didn’t answer to him. Say something more. Say that you missed me already. “Yuuri..? Is everything alright?” His voice suddenly became worried. Oh no, I don’t want him to be worried… I don’t want him to think that I started to think about something bad.

“I just… wanted to hear your voice. Sorry…” I said silently, but I am sure that Victor heard me. I hate this stupid tradition so much. Dumb Phichit with his crazy imagination, he made poor naïve Victor believe that it’s true… something like that you can’t see the person you are going to marry the last night before marriage, because it will bring bad luck. It’s just some kind bullshit and I can’t believe that Victor fell for it!

“You could have just called me, love.” His voice got sweet again and Victor sighed, of course, thinking what dummy I am. He had a point, I could have just called, but it’s not the same as hearing his voice for real and on that moment I even didn’t think about that. I again didn’t answer to him… right… I should just go back. Everything is alright now. “Yuuri, close your eyes and let go the door. Tell me, when you do that.” He asked and froze. What? Why? But I did how he said, of course.

“I-I did this.” Somehow I felt stupid one standing in front of his door with eyes closed. What will he do? If he has some pervert thoughts then just… no. I won’t do anything in the place full of cameras. He can forget about that. I heard how the door is opening and after a few moments, I was already in Victor’s arms. I couldn’t see his face, but I perfectly knew this smell, this warmth, even this heartbeat which I heard when I pressed my cheek to his chest.

“Don’t open your eyes. Maybe we can't see each other, but I can still hold you. Better?” After Victor said this, I wrapped my arms around his waist hard and nodded, finally smiling. Yes, it’s almost everything I need right now. He smells so good… my favorite scent. “Are you wearing just bathrobe?? What are you thinking??” he I asked and I felt how Victor starts grabbing my body, and my cheeks blushed. You are the one to talk…. Victor was half naked, standing here just with his sleeping pants. Oooh, he can’t be so overprotected. Don’t be mad. I raised my head and reached for his lips. “Yuuri, love, that’s my chin.” He took my burning cheeks into his palms. That’s just sooo embarrassing. “Here are my lips.” After that, Victor kissed me and I started melting. I let his tongue inside my mouth and grabbed his waist harder almost letting my nails in his skin. He is so good at this… and the fact that I can’t open my eyes to see his face got me even more excited. I silently moaned when he gently bit my lower lip. Can I get more? I won’t tell Phichit.

“Vic-tor… can I sleep in your room?” I asked when he gave me a few seconds for breathing. I lifted my arms and touched his face, lips with thumbs and then eyes, they were also closed. It’s so strange just to feel everything without seeing, but somehow it really gives me those strange chills through my spine. Victor silently laughed after hearing my question with a cracked voice, because my cheeks were still burning. He took my hands in his and kissed my fingers, then put his lips on the engagement ring, I was able to feel his warm breathing.

“Tomorrow, love. I can’t wait to see you and make you mine forever. Goodnight.” Then he kissed my cheek, let me go and closed the door. Everything happened so quickly that I was able to open my eyes just after a few minutes. I couldn’t calm my heart, but I really felt better after this. Jeez Christ, this love will kill me some day. I came back to my room still blushed, with a smile on my face.

 

“Yuuri, you look totally fine to me, stop touching your hair.” Phichit hit my hand when I again started reaching for my hair. They are just… bothering me so much. I haven’t cut them from December and now there were a lot of them, they were longer and without any control. I wanted to cut them long ago, but Victor didn’t let me. Today Phichit did something, that they were combed back, but I don‘t know why I still wanted to touch them. It‘s just a habit I guess. I was standing in the corridor waiting, Victor should be on the other side, also waiting. We will come at the same time and meet in front of the door, before entering the wedding hall. I repeated so many times this in my head. Wedding hall. Wedding hall. Wedding hall. I am not dreaming, right? “Jeez, Yuuri, you look like you are getting sick… breathe.” Hahaha, it’s easy for you to say, you are not getting marry today with your idol, right? I was feeling like in one of those stupid fanfic’s, too perfect to be true. Phichit looked around the corner and the gasped. “Alright, go Yuuri! Be strong.” he suddenly pushed me and I didn’t walk with confidence like I planned... I almost fell, but somehow managed to stay on my feet.

As soon as I raised my head, I forgot that I was feeling so nervous just a second ago. Victor was standing in front of me, looking so beautiful like never before. Not because of that dark gray costume he was wearing, that perfectly suited for him (but after seeing this I felt like mine – the white one – was like a sack) and not because of his silver hair, that was combed really beautiful… everything was about his smile. I swear I have never seen how he smiles that honestly, with that tone of love in this gesture. My face will burn out, really it will.

“Love, you look so beautiful…” he said, taking my hand and I saw how Victor's lips trembles a little bit. I couldn’t hold myself, I had to touch them… so I did with my thumb, he kissed my fingertip and I smiled.

“You… you think… something will change after this?” I asked the question. Actually, when I was finally able to fell asleep I had a dream that Victor and I were sitting somewhere in the park and talking, from all the talk I remember just the last part, where I asked will our marriage can change something in our relationship, but I woke up before hearing the answer.

“Yes… your last name. And you will belong to me forever.” He gave me a smirk and then the door opened, I was still standing with my mouth opened. I shouldn’t be surprised, it was also my wish to get Victor’s last name as my second, even if he was the first who suggested this idea. To have Victor’s last name… jeez, I won’t believe it until it comes true.

“Mooove you two.” I heard Yurio’s voice behind me and remembered that we are not alone here. After some fights and discussions, we finally decided to ask Yurio and Phichit to be our wedding witnesses. Phichit after hearing this was like in heaving, Yurio… well… I couldn’t say from his face what he was feeling, but at least he didn’t refuse.

When we entered the hall, everyone was here waiting for us, all of our friends, my family, and even Victor’s aunt. In Barcelona few days before the wedding, I saw her first time in my life. She was looking so like Ana, really beautiful lady and I saw that she honestly loves Victor. And even if he haven’t shown any signs of cuteness talking with her, I still could tell that my lover was thankful her for everything that she has done for him. His aunt, Alexey, and Ana was the only ones who came from Victor's family and talking about my side… even my sister’s husband came with her, also Minako-sensei and all my friends from those times when I started skating. The hall wasn’t big, but with so many people in it, still looked crowded. Jeez, maybe we should have just get married in Las Vegas? But… we have chosen Barcelona for important reason… it was the place where we started getting really serious about our relationship, we even bought our first rings here. They will always have special meaning to me, even from today when we will put the real gold rings. We stopped in front of a man who had to hold the ceremony. We chose to get a civil marriage and not in the church because of different religious it would be real troublesome. But I didn’t care actually how and where we will get married, I was getting more dizzy about the fact itself. I heard how everyone around is murmuring with each other, but I couldn’t look around, I even couldn’t look at the man in front of us, so I was looking just at Victor. I will need long therapy in cold water after this… the burning from my cheeks started reaching my eyes. No, I am not crying. Not yet. It’s just… too realistic, everything. It’s really happening.

“A wedding is such a wonderful occasion filled with hopes and dreams.” When everybody calmed down, the man started speaking, not paying attention that my eyes are still pointed just at Victor. My lover looked so calm, watching at that man, I even saw how he nodded, agreeing with spoken words. I think just my heart was beating like crazy here. “We are here today to celebrate the love that Victor and Yuuri have for each other, and to recognize and witness their decision on moving forward in their lives as marriage partners.” Moving forward he said? So it’s not the happy ending? We just… start something new? Something better and bigger? Finally, the man got my attention. Before this moment I never thought about the words he will tell us. “May your love create a safe haven for you both on the journey that lies ahead of you. Lead with your hearts and take the time to do the simple things that will nurture your love.” Lead our hearts… He means lead each other heart? Because I was taking care of Victor’s heart how he was taking care of mine. We were taking care of each other doing simple things already… I loved feeling happy about simple things, for example drinking tea together. I loved the idea of creating the place –heaven- just for two of us. “Deeply listen to each other—to your dreams, and to your frustrations. Be helpmates. Be playful in finding new ways to give your love every day.” That’s a good wish, but I don’t think that with Phichit around us and Victor imagination we will ever run out of ideas of love giving. Of course, the most important part will be… to listen, I have learned a lot – at the moment when you stop listen, everything starts ripping apart. “Let your love be an inspiration to others to reach for what is good within us all. It is your love that has brought us together here today. May it grow deeper and sweeter with each passing year.” Victor himself is the definition of love and I will grow with this love until our last day. Nobody will change that. This time I was sure of that. After these words, I felt how Victor squeezes my hand harder. I looked at his face, Victor was standing with lips pressed in one line, breathing faster. So he is also not calm…

“Do you, Victor, take Yuuri to be your partner for life? Do you promise to walk by his side forever, and to love, help, and encourage him in all he does? Do you promise to take a time to talk with him, to listen to him, and to care for him? Will you share his laughter, and his tears, as his partner, lover, and best friend? Do you take him as your lawfully wedded husband for now and forevermore?” Oh my God, that’s getting real, I couldn’t let down my eyes from Victor. His face was still the same for a few seconds, but then it started changing… his body relaxed and a smile came back to my lover’s lips, he took a deep breath and looked right into my eyes, with that look that he was keeping just for me. My blue ocean and sky… there was no ice in it today. Just the warmest things on earth.

“Yes, I do.” He said so simply, that I almost gasped. That’s it? It’s so simple! Just saying yes, but then why the view in my eyes is getting blurry? I don’t… I don’t want to cry. Victor leaned forward to sign documents and then stretched his back again. It’s my turn…. Something is in my throat. I can’t speak… I won’t be able to say anything.

“Do you, Yuuri, take Victor to be your partner for life? Do you promise to walk by his side forever, and to love, help, and encourage him in all he does? Do you promise to take a time to talk with him, to listen to him, and to care for him? Will you share his laughter, and his tears, as his partner, lover, and best friend? Do you take him as your lawfully wedded husband for now and forevermore? Also, do you confirm that you want to change your name from Yuuri Katsuki to Yuuri Katsuki-Nikiforov?” I should just say "yes", right? Right now. Just say it, Yuuri. You know what you want. You always knew it. So what now? I was looking at Victor’s eyes and couldn’t hold my tears, he was waiting, still smiling. He could stand like this forever, waiting for me. But I don’t want to make him wait anymore. My tears suddenly dried. I have to tell him. It has to be now.

Why do people believe that they have the right to destroy the lives of others? Are we some kind of Gods that can judge who can live happily and who not? If you say “love you” so love until your last breath. If you said “promise” then keep your promise even if it hurts like hell. If you said “I will never let you go” so no matter what you can’t leave. Otherwise, what is the point of living if every of your words is equal to zero and doesn’t make any sense?

“Victor, I admit… at first, I was having doubts, but not for you… it was more about me… but then I understood that I am also too selfish and I can't let go you... when I just reached everything I was dreaming about. It’s just sad that it took me so long to realize that. I could start talking things like… my love for you is like a big ocean or something similar, but I won’t do that, because you already know everything… I just never saw love which would be so loyal as yours. I would like to stay your home forever, where you could come back whenever you want, where I will be always waiting for you. I was in complete darkness living without you… but you became my light again. Everyone need to have that fire that lights your way. We don’t need much, right? I… I just needed for you to lighten that warmth inside me again and you did it, you reminded me, who I really am. What would I do without your lips, which have told me words I have never heard before? Sometimes I feel really addicted… and when I can’t hear your voice I feel like forgetting how to breathe, like I would try to breathe underwater. I love you. I love every line on your body, every scar, every bent… everything about you. Only you are able to make me feel like I am a boy again not a man… and you have to know, that I will be always together with you. I will look at your eyes, I will be in your arms and I will give you everything – heart to heart. I just… wanted to thank you, thank you for loving me back.” This speech wasn’t planned at all, I also didn’t have a clue that I will say this, but I just did… words started going and I couldn’t hold them, With this I gave everything. It was the first time in my life I said something like that. Always Victor was the one who tells beautiful words about loving me. At this was my time… I don’t know how I succeeded, but I just told everything that I was feeling, not paying attention to people around us. “Yes, I do.” I finally said feeling calm, my heart stopped beating like crazy. I am fine now. Everything is perfect. Victor wasn’t the only one who was looking at me with opened mouth and wide eyes when I leaned forward to sign documents, the man who was holding the ceremony also looked in shock. When I looked again at Victor, this time with a calm face he was the one breathing fast, like he wasn’t able to hold something inside him anymore.

“Alriiiight… Witnesses also signed? Good. And now, seal your promises with these rings, the symbol of your life shared together.” I heard in the man’s voice that he was feeling a little bit disturbed. Yurio and Phichit were already back in their places behind us when Victor took the rings from the pocket of his jacket. Are his hands trembling? Victor gave his ring to me. “Victor, please repeat after me: Yuuri, this ring I give a token and pledge, as a sign of my love and devotion. With this ring, I thee wed."

“Yuuri, this ring I give a token and pledge, as a sign of my love and devotion.” Victor started putting the ring on my finger, right on top of the silver, his hands were indeed a little bit trembling, but as soon as the ring was on my finger it stopped. “With this ring, I thee wed.” he finished and smiled for me, showing how much this meant to him.

“Yuuri, please repeat after me: Victor, this ring I give a token and pledge, as a sign of my love and devotion. With this ring, I thee wed.” man looked at me and nodded, like hoping that I will say another speech again, but I didn’t have any words. Everything is already clear.

“Victor, this ring I give a token and pledge, as a sign of my love and devotion. With this ring, I thee wed.” I said with one try, my voice didn’t crack and I was proud of myself, even that I was able to put the ring on his finger from the first try. Victor took both my hands in his and leaned forward even before the man said anything else.

“Victor and Yuuri, by the power invested in me, I now pronounce you are married. You may kiss!” he quickly ended the ceremony seeing that Victor is getting impatient, I could understand him. I was feeling the same. I reached his lips and gave the first kiss as his husband. Everyone started applauding, but those sounds didn’t matter. I gave him a small kiss because we were in front of everyone, but as soon as our lips touched I felt that for him it’s not enough. Victor grabbed my face and started kissing hard, not long but it was enough for my heart to start beating like crazy again. From his touch it was clear – he will answer every word I told him. Tonight. I don’t mind. Husband, right?


	38. The First/ The Last dance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT NOTES
> 
> Please listen to the song while reading Victor's and Yuuri's dance, the link is under gifts, it will help you to feel what I have felt <3 <3 Muah and Chu~~~
> 
> more notes in the end of the chapter.

_**[Brian Crain - At The Ivy Gate](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MI_-GnV65Sg) ** _

* * *

**Yuuri**

* * *

Music started.

Victor was already standing on the ice, waiting for me. I was able to feel how others are looking at me, but all I could see was his smile, his warm and loving eyes, his soft lips which were inviting me for the first dance, his voice reached my heart and I stood up from the chair, took off skates protectors, stepped forward and climbed down the stage stairs. As soon as I touched the ice, every sound behind me disappeared, the stage with a big table on it where everyone was sitting, people around, even the ice… I wasn’t sliding, it was more about walking on the clouds, walking to reach your goal, life destination, going to someone that makes you complete. It’s near. I reached Victor’s hand and pressed his fingers. My husband was smiling to me giving everything I have ever wanted, he was devoted. Mine. I closed my eyes and touched his chest with mine until our heartbeat became one. Victor touched my waist with his fingers, pressing them a little bit harder and I could feel that they are trembling. My love is feeling the same as I. My heart is beating as same as his, my fingers are also trembling, I could see that when I put them on his shoulder. We are the same, going towards the future together. With the unknown but happy path, we have each other and now we have a place where we can always put our trembling hands. I am not afraid anymore, I am just shivering because my eyes are full of tears from happiness. Victor kissed my hand which he was holding and then started sliding backwards.

“I love you,” I said pressing my forehead to his shoulder and Victor started spinning around with me in his arms. We never practiced this dance, because I wanted it to be real, not planned. So I didn’t have any idea what types of lifts or jumps we are going to do and I didn’t care. All I could do just spin around. I was ready to do just this all these four minutes and still be the most happiest man on earth. I think our walk to this point was already with a lot of jumps, throws, and lifts… it was a huge rollercoaster with no end, so now... for these few minutes, I wanted to stop the time and feel it with the deepest part of my soul. I wanted to record this in my memory as one of the most beautiful things I have ever done and seen.

Victor's hand suddenly grabbed my waist harder and I lifted my legs, bending them at knees and he jumped turning around in the air at least four times, I didn’t count, because I had to hold breath when my heartbeat raised. His soft lips reached my ear, when I again touched ice with my feet, I softly pushed Victor’s chest and he let me go. I started sliding backwards alone and my fingers without his suddenly became cold. That’s the main idea of love… because you can run, you can hide, and you can try going somewhere and begin in a place where you don’t fit in. But love… it will still find a way to get you back. You can't force it. You can’t control. I tried… I tried to run away and I thought that I will survive like this. But. I covered my face with palms and turned around. Victor’s arms hugged me from behind and lifted my body I took a deep breath and turned my head up, putting back of my head on my husband’s shoulder, he kissed my cheek and I smiled. His hands were wrapped around my waist so strongly but at the same time he was holding me so gently, protecting from all pain in the world. After he put me down on my feet I sighed… it’s just as I thought, love will always find the way back, you just have to turn around and try again. Love will always find a place. So I did. I turned around and touched Victor’s face with my palm, he closed eyes giving me that wonderful peaceful smile, I placed one arm around his waist and started spinning around faster, Victor leaned forward and I lost the base, I started leaning down, almost touching the ice with my back. It reminds me... that you can fall thousand times, you can lose your way again, again and again, someone might stand in your way of happiness and then you get to the point where you think that you almost lost you mind. And then… then Victor started stretching his back again lifting my body up until I got back on my feet. So… just one moment can change your life, just one moment and it can become right again. Everything depends on your other side and I was ready to give my life for him. I will stop to think now because I already know what I want. I already have it. I placed my hands on Victor’s shoulders and jumped as high as I could, he wrapped arms around my hips with a wide smile on his face, spinning nonstop. I was holding on him, but at the same time, I wasn’t afraid to let go, because I knew that Victor will still hold me. Everybody needs someone to hold on and everybody has a dream. The one and only dream that keeps you wondering, that makes continue your search, keeps you trying until you reach it. My dream. There was just one heart that I wanted to follow and I wanted to find the light towards it… I wanted to find the way out from the night.

“Yuuri… you won’t let me go?” he silently laughed, when I wrapped my arms around his neck and even when Victor let me down I pressed my face to his shoulder and didn’t let him go. I shook my head. Never. I found my love. I found my place. I found my way. I am not letting him go.

* * *

**Victor**

* * *

Yuuri was holding me so tight that I couldn’t help myself just smile. I could understand why he doesn’t want to let me go, my heart and my soul was feeling the same. Even my arms, when they were holding Yuuri’s body just then I could feel safe. I am not talking about my safety, just about his. Feeling how skinny he is, all those lines I knew the best and how shivers every part of his body made me want to protect Yuuri, protect from every possible danger in this word. He doesn’t have any real idea how precious he is to me and I don’t think that there is enough time in this world to explain all my feelings. All I could do was to show him. I gently took his hands and made him let me go. Holding his fingers I kneeled on the ice with one leg, in front of him, Yuuri was sliding backwards not letting my hands go, but I could perfectly see how his lower lip starts to tremble, I have seen this so many times today and still it wasn’t enough. I am in front of him and I want to say sorry… sorry for almost letting him go, sorry for almost accepting the fact that I could live without him, because… it’s impossible. Yuuri… you don’t have any idea how lovely you are. Suddenly all emotions started going into me, so I jumped back to my feet and grabbed him in my arms again lifting his body and jumped as high as I could, spinning in the air feeling so light like never before. Yuuri gasped in my arms and pressed his body against mine harder. I didn’t care what kind of jump was it… but I just find what I wanted, Yuuri started crying, he wrapped his arms around my waist so hard when I let him down. His face was pressed against my chest. I still need to tell him so many things, I don’t think that it will be ever enough for me… I don’t think that I will get tired listening of his happy tears, of wiping his face with my lips. You also have to tell me some of your secrets… and ask a lot of questions… we will begin from the start and you will be mine forever. What else could I have ever asked?

I rubbed and kissed his hair, Yuuri silently sobbed and pressed me harder. I don’t think that this dance will do any kind of impression for others who were watching us, but I didn’t care. Just with this, I felt so much more than I have ever felt on the ice. Maybe because I was dancing with my love and life, the one who taught me these two words and how to use them. I know… I know that nobody said to us that life sometimes can be so hard. With these thoughts, I took Yuuri’s face into my palms and we stopped spinning for a few seconds. But I also haven’t heard that life must be easy. Maybe that’s why it’s so wonderful… maybe that’s why it’s so full of different colors and has an amazing amount of feelings and emotions. That’s what makes every day special, you just have to try finding happiness even in smallest things around you. Yuuri looked at me with his teary eyes and I gave him a small kiss on his nose.

“Why are you crying, love?” I asked silently, but I already knew the answer, just really, with all my heart, I wanted to hear it. I wanted to know, to feel it with my ears, to let those words in and spread them inside me. My heart was beating so fast, at last, healthy heart, because Yuuri was the only one who could heal it. I knew… that any kind of operation wouldn’t have any success without my love next to me. He was so brave, he was always there. At the time, I was the one who had doubts, but just watching Yuuri, how he is standing there alone, holding my hand, ready to believe for both of us… it made me calm down. Because I wasn’t alone anymore. All my fears of dying just went away. Before the operation I was ready… I was ready for everything that might be waiting for me because Yuuri made me believe that he will stay with besides me no matter what. And that was enough. I was one step forward to everything I needed the most.

“Because I am happy.” He said and then started spinning again. I nodded taking one of his hands and Yuuri started turning around non-stop, beautifully, like one of those perfect ballerina dolls, without any rest making this world more than it will ever be. I bet Yuuri already knows that I have died every day waiting for him, even when I thought that I am not waiting anymore, I was just lying to everyone, to myself. And I was ready to wait thousand years more… I was ready to wait the time when he remembers me again. Even when I won’t be a part of this world anymore. But my heart will always belong to Yuuri. That won’t change. Yuuri wrapped his arms around my neck again and I stretched my hands on the sides. We didn’t have any move that we planned today, but it’s like our souls were connected, they just knew what to do. I started to spin faster and faster and Yuuri jumped lifting all his body in the air holding on me just with arms I closed my eyes still spinning fast, but I didn’t feel any weight… I felt so light, like never before. Yuuri’s lips have reached mine and I quickly grabbed his waist with both hands, he wrapped legs around me and let my neck go, bent his back backward. I should be thankful for the Time because it brought your heart to me back. The time took away everything that was standing against us… and every breath and every hour has lead us to here and now.

Yuuri lifted again his body and my arms were already waiting for him. I hugged my love strong and Yuuri stood on the ice. We came back to position how everything started. Yuuri holding one of his arms on my shoulder and I was holding his waist, kissing the rings on his other hand. I stopped together with music and Yuuri sighed. Everything was back – the view, sounds and people around us, I could hear how they are applauding and shouting. Our friends and family also a part of our life. But there is one thing I have to make sure that Yuuri knows, that he will never have doubts about it again.

“Yuuri, what leads us through the dark?” I touched his face and he gave me the most wonderful view – his smile. Yuuri knows the answer. He thinks the same as I.

“Love.” He answered and placed his lips were they belong - on mine.

* * *

**Yuuri**

* * *

When we came back to the desk everyone looked happier than us, but… the thing is that I was happy but at the same time I felt calm, that's why I looked so relaxd. With our first dance as married, I felt everything I wanted to feel, everything that I deserved and everything that I wanted to give. Finally, I was able to concentrate what was going around. We had our wedding celebration at the ice center. Not a usual place to celebrate the wedding, but it was exactly what we needed, also that was one of the reasons why we waited so long to get married. First of all, I wanted to make sure that Victor got strong enough again and then… it’s not so simple to rent an ice center and this day was the only one that we got. On the one side of the ice rink, we placed a huge stage, with a table and seats for everyone, also stairs to climb on it from the ice side and from the other side of the rink. Actually, we did this just because we really wanted to dance for the first time on the ice, also it’s a place that first thing connected out faiths - love for ice sakiting. Everyone who wanted later was able to try skating on ice and for those who didn’t, there was left some space on the stage that they could dance. Of course, at first it was a little bit strange to see everyone sitting with coats, but as soon as they started drinking alcohol, talking and dancing they were left on seats. Who could have ever thought that Victor’s aunt will find quick talk with Minako-sensei and Yuuko? Actually, I felt good about that because I was afraid that poor aunt will sit alone all the time. All my other friends already knew each other, so I wasn’t surprised that Phichit danced with Ana and Alexey invited my sister to dance. Simon with his wife was also enjoying dancing on the stage, he waved to me and I did the same. Yurio and Otabek, Christophe with Leo (somehow) was having a dance fight on the ice, I tried not to look too much at that fight, just saw that some of our guests were on the side of cat’s couple and some of Chris and Leo’s. Christophe came with his (boy)friend who was talking a lot (surprise) with Seung-Gil. Mila found her way to talk (drink) with Celestino. My parents just enjoyed looking at everyone. And we with Victor were just sitting and smiling, like looking at bunch of our kids. I think everything went well. At least until that point when Yurio lost the couple fight to Christophe or when Ana made me go on the ice with her, but I had to hold her in my arms all the time because she has never tried skating before. It’s good that Alexey was talking with Victor at the time about something because I think that my lover wouldn’t be happy seeing how Ana time to time was grabbing my butt, like trying not to fall down. But we all knew the real reason, right? Anyway… seeing everyone together with us on this day was the biggest present I could ever get. And now… now I don’t have to hide my love for Victor. Someone of my friends during the celebration told us, that the news about our wedding already spread on the internet. Hm… at first, I couldn’t understand how it's possible, because we didn’t tell anyone else about this, but then I saw Phichit’s look and everything got clear. Hahaha, I should have thought about this earlier.

“What are you thinking about, love?” Victor asked when we were already on the plane, flying I don’t know where. I asked Victor’s million times where are we going for our honeymoon, but he told me that it's a surprise. He even closed my eyes before entering the plane and then ears, that I couldn’t hear the destination. I don’t have any idea what he has planned, but I was imagining something like… I don’t know. Something not really far away ooor maybe something undiscovered for us, for example, Brazil…. Or Iceland. But I don’t think that Victor would have wanted to spend honeymoon around the snow. But I have never imagined this… I even lost the count how many hours we are traveling, first of all, we stopped in Paris, then we had to wait there two hours and we had another flight to Los Angeles. Yes, right… to the United States… I was just hoping that we will stop because it took like forever to get there. But nooo… we waited for three hours more and then had a flight to Polynesia... in the city which name I couldn't pronounce… When we landed, I swear I just wanted to shake and kick Victor so hard and tell him, that I will stay here. But he was just shining and still smiling, we just spent almost two days on planes after our wedding, without stop or break…. Of course I did sleep on these long flights, but still, I was with my wedding costume and I really wanted a shower. For God sake, I wanted our first wedding night! Now we were flying again… and Jeez, I really don’t know where.

“Just remembering our wedding celebration, because you don’t want to tell me where we are going,” I answered just after a few minutes remembering our long flight and that I am a little bit (softly saying) dirty and tired. “Victor… really, can you just tell-“ I stopped talking because of the view from the window. I swear I have never seen anything like this. I am not talking about those little houses made from almost nothing, and not about that wonderful color of water that really reminded me of Victor’s eyes, and not even about the clearest sky I have ever seen in my life. But nature… nature was breathtaking, soooo green, so pure and clear. It’s a heaven. We were flying to the end of the world, right? To the most beautiful place on earth, I couldn’t find any other word for this, just look with opened mouth and wide eyes. Victor next to me looked happy, he knew that I will react like this. It doesn’t matter if we have to go somewhere else, I am not moving from this place anywhere.

“Plane is landing please fasten your seat belts. We welcome you to the final destination of flight number 356. The weather 30 degrees Celsius (86°F) sunny and clear, no wind. The sea temperature is about 29 degrees (84°F). Welcome to the most beautiful island in the world – Bora Bora.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, Sunshines!!!
> 
> After passing one exam today, I am giving you new chapter <3  
> I don't know how many people saw this, but I made this into the series! ^///^ So yeah, there will be a sequel. On the next, the last main, chapter of this part I will give you a small spoiler to the sequel and after that, you will decide if you want to read it or not. Maybe this ending will be perfect for you and it will be enough? In this case, I totally understand you ^^ but anyway, for those who will stay with me - I am willing to make all your dreams come true if you are ready to give me more ideas, what you want to read <3 For the sequel I have one huge challenge for Victuuri and you will get idea of it in the spoiler ^-^  
> And on chapter 39 we finally get THE WEDDING NIGHT!!! YAYAYAYAY~~~ Get ready because even I have never written that much smut in on place before :D <3 And of course get ready to explore Bora Bora~~~ <3
> 
> Love you all darlings,  
> See you next time <3  
> Vitavili <3
> 
> All credits for these gifts goes to owner tumblr: vyctornikiforov


	39. Chapter 39. Not the end. Yuuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Don’t give up.” Victor suddenly said as he was reading my thoughts or maybe he was thinking the same. I don’t know. One way or another those silent words that came from his lips, made me smile. That’s right. I closed my eyes when my Husband gave me a kiss on my cheek.
> 
> In the end, love always win.
> 
>  
> 
> Unless… it's not the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, my beauties!
> 
> There will be more notes in the end of the chapter but for now, I wanted to say two things:  
> 1\. Children, please read just first and last paragraphs because everything else more or less here is SMUT :D  
> 2\. In the end of the chapter, there is a spoiler for the sequel (but it's not from the first chapter). It's just Victor talking with Yuuri on the phone, just from his POV, for now without any emotions. After reading it, just decide if you want to continue reading this fic or not (we still have chapter 40 left!! Christmas!! So you have time to think and ask me things of you want to know). I will tell something more about it in the end of this chapter, but for now, enjoy! <3

I always thought that it’s not hard to describe surroundings or at least say what are you feeling in certain place. But this time, the first time in my life, I was without any words. Every time I tried to think about this, I got a feeling that’s not enough. I wanted to say more, express somehow myself, but I just couldn’t, this place was just too beautiful. The word “surprise” doesn’t even cover this, a surprise is when you get an unexpected delicious candy or in my case luxury hotel room with triple size bed, but this… this purity, these colors around me and peace just took the last small feeling of anxiety that I was having after a long flight. I never thought that in earth exists this kind of place, which can clear your mind and body in one second. I think I almost started crying from those warm feelings that got inside me as soon, as I stepped on the ground. Even if I haven't talked, Victor didn’t tell anything to me, but I could feel his look and how his fingers press mine harder when we boarded the boat which took us from the smallest airport I have ever seen to the main island. Victor was also happy, but not for the same reason as I. I guess Victor was happy seeing my reaction, he even wasn’t looking around like I did. I started wondering if it’s the first time he is here or maybe this place could become our secret hideaway? I don’t have any idea how much did he pay for this kind of heaven, I asked once Victor about the payment for the honeymoon, but he just laughed and said that I can pay with my body. That time I just blushed and rolled my eyes, but now I really started thinking if my body can handle this kind of payment.

When we got out of the boat there was a car waiting for us, it took us directly to the hotel. Even if it was the main island it wasn’t a big one and I think people here didn’t even know what the word traffic means. I don’t know if I should call that place a hotel, since it was made of small villas which were built on the water, to reach the that little house (or how I later learned overwater-bungalow), you had to cross a wooden path above the water and all of those houses were connected with that one bridge. Our place was the last one, so from the window, there was nothing but just a boundless ocean. Even before entering the villa I could already see how I watch the sunset every day together with Victor. Our time here have just started but I already didn’t want it to end. What impressed me the most, was the room inside, I don’t know why I thought that I will see a simple bed and maybe a table inside, but that was... I just felt like in five starts hotel, with that king size bed, comfortable couch, luxurious glass table and a huge closet, there was also an enormous size bathroom and we had our own terrace with a pool. I mean like a real small pool. I could just simply jump from that pool right into the sea. I was standing in our room with opened mouth for at least five minutes while Victor talked about something with a hotel manager next to our door. As soon as the man left, he came to me and hugged from behind.

“Nobody will find us here.” He said silently into my ear and I smiled, then turned my head and kissed the corner of Victor’s lips. This is all my thanks he is getting for now because I really wanted to try that amazing ridiculously small, but funny pool. I dragged Victor outside to terrace, I saw how he looks towards the bed with a sad look on his face.

“We will have all night for that and even more. Come on, let’s play. I mean that’s why we flew almost all around the world, right?” I gave him another kiss, this time right to the lips and Victor gave up, by the way, it was like 4 p.m. in local time, so obviously we can’t call this wedding night. Everything ended up pretty funny, because, in the end, Victor was the one sitting in that pool, 10 minutes was enough for me to feel happiness, but he was roosting there, all I could see was his nose and eyes, which had the same color as the water around us. So most of the time I was just watching how he is having fun in the pool by his own. “Have I ever told you, how much I love the color of your eyes?” I asked sitting on one of beach chairs. In one of my hands I was holding a strawberry, earlier we asked to bring a plate full of fruits to our room. I didn’t look at the clock even once, but time here just flies, because the sun was already going down.

“Really?” he stood up and walked out from the pool. The strawberry from my hand fell on the floor. It’s not like I haven’t seen wet or naked Victor, but somehow seeing him like this, lit by the warm light of sunset made my body freeze. All I was able to do – watch how drops of water slowly slide down his body, through all those strong muscles, leaving paths and making my mouth dry. “So tell me all about it.” he stepped towards me and I almost unconsciously tried to reach Victor with my hand. He leaned a little bit forward and kissed my fingers, then took my hand into his, but I slid down from the chair on my knees.

“I-I lo-st… my strawberry….” I murmured like a child, somehow getting nervous. I was sure that before entering the pool, Victor was with his swimming shorts and now they were gone. Obviously, he did this on purpose, he was just dropping me hints all these past four or five hours and when I pretended that I don’t see them he just gave me a hard strike… I mean… full strike. How can I remember what I was thinking about his eyes a few minutes ago when THAT it’s just in front of my face?

“You are just too innocent for this world, Yuuri…” Victor was looking at my blushed cheeks with a smile, he leaned forward and took the lost fruit between his two fingers, then slowly put it into his mouth. I wanted to do the same, but now with strawberry… Victor stretched his back and I was looking right into his captivating eyes, kneeling in front of my gorgeous husband. One day I will get blind just by watching him, because Victor was like a sun, so beautifully dangerous.

“You think so?” I suddenly let go of his hand and grabbed Victor’s cock with it. He let the gasp out and covered his mouth with palm. You wanted that, right? Don’t look like you are surprised. With my other hand, I grabbed on Victor’s hip and still looking into his eyes, leaned forward, thrust my tongue out and slowly licked the top of it. I thought that it was already hard before, but after my move, it got even harder, and hotter, together with Victor’s breathing which became heavier and faster. He leaned his right hand against the wall and with the left one grabbed my hair. Yes, that’s why he didn’t let me cut them, Victor loved grabbing my hair while sex or after sex or… in situations like now. He always did this roughly, but every time it made all parts of my body heat up, his fingers, no matter where… they were always turning me on. I licked again the top of his dick and started moving my arm, as a sign he moved hips a little bit and then I took it into my mouth, not all of it, just the top – sucking ant licking with my tongue I made Victor press his lips harder in order to hold the sound, but I wanted to hear his voice. I love how he lets moans out. I took his cock out from my mouth and slowly licked all the base then took it all this time, grabbing his leg also with another hand. “Yuuri…” he said silently almost with shivering voice, holding his emotions inside. He wanted me to let go, but I didn’t. I started sucking fast and hard, using my tongue and saliva – all my skills that Victor taught me through all these years. The first time I was so bad at this… I don’t want even remember, but look at me now. His legs start to tremble, Victor didn’t have another choice just start moving his hips, fuck me. Fuck my mouth. And he did it, finally, even Victor lost his strengths and couldn’t hold voice. I heard his beautiful sighs and silent moans if I keep doing this then…

But he suddenly leaned forward and grabbed my waist and I had to let him go. What? I blinked fully lost, feeling like somebody just took away from me something important. Why didn't he let me finish? I was so close. Victor picked me up and I didn’t think about this much, just wrapped my legs around his tights, feeling how his hard wet twitching dick is right under my butt. Victor's face was blushed, it’s rare to see him like that, but I was also all red so I could fully understand him, I grabbed my lover's face and kissed him hard, feeling how he carries me inside. Once he laid me on our bed and helped me to take off my swimming shorts I let him between my legs.

“Are you afraid?” he silently asked right into my ear and I don’t know why after that chills ran down my spine. It was getting dark pretty fast here, but I felt this not because of that. Suddenly, I don’t know why I get the feeling like it is our first time. I still remember it well, it happened on Victor’s birthday in 2016, we were already together for some time then, but we didn’t rush things at first, we were fine with just touching each other and kissing. Neither we were planning to do this on his birthday, but… it just happened. Everything started like always, with the kiss and then touches, I was already used to Victor’s fingers, but he was so gentle that night, so careful that I felt, that’s it’s not enough. That night he asked the same question and his body was shivering the same as now.

“No… are you?” I answered the same as that night and Victor slowly started putting one of his fingers in my ass, I hold my breath. That’s right… it feels different, but I can’t understand why. I silently moaned into Victor’s shoulder, everything below my stomach was pulsating. That night before entering, he told me to say if it hurts too much, now there was no point, we knew each other bodies too well. Yet, my heart was beating as same as then, so hard and anxiously. But… it’s not our first time. Not even a second. Then why…

“No…” he put the second finger in my ass and I flinched from the pleasure that came with it. My mouth was opened and with teeth, I was touching Victor’s skin, gently biting it. As he was moving fingers, my hips started moving with them, I was holding on sheets with my hands and I still couldn’t explain why my fingers were trembling. Is it because it’s our first time after we got married? That’s why it feels differently, because… now we are not separated as two persons, we are both the same. We are inseparable. “Hold me… please, hold me,” After hearing these words, spoken almost with the same voice as he said back then, I couldn’t hold myself. Victor didn’t have to repeat twice, I wrapped my arms around his body, letting my nails into his skin, but his body was still shivering and I started to cry. I couldn’t hold tears. His body was trembling not mine… but I was able to feel everything with my heart.

  
Victor took out his fingers and lifted my hips a little bit with his hand, I bit his shoulder a little bit harder, letting the scream at the same time, when he slowly entered me, putting all of his cock inside me. It didn’t hurt, but the feeling was so strong, that it just took out all the air from my lungs and I grabbed on Victor’s skin even harder, leaving scratches on his back. He sighed. That sound was as same as mine, just not that loud. These emotions inside us were so different, something new that we never felt before.

“I love you so much… maja liubov.” He whispered and then moved, one time, then second. With every move I flinched and with every move he was giving me new waves of emotions, all I could do was show how I feel with my moans and hands, leaving those marks on his body. “You are mine now… just mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine.” Victor started repeating this word non-stop, with every sound making a new move. Mine. He moves his hips and almost takes out his cock and then suddenly puts back in. Mine. He does the same. And again. Again. Again. Again. I was almost coughing from the pleasure, torture and all those feelings that I couldn’t get enough. I hugged him tightly with my legs and just then Victor started moving slowly, but without pauses. Just now I let his shoulder go and put my head on the pillow breathing faster and harder every second, letting out sounds with opened mouth, feeling how my own saliva is going down from the corner of my mouth.

Take my days… take all of them, but leave me these minutes, leave yourself inside me, you can take all of me. I am living for this. You take all my thoughts like that, just making everything else go away, leaving just dreams that finally came true. All of them. Me having you. You belong to me. Your soul and heart are mine. I am giving you all my lifetime, just for these seconds, for seconds when you unconditionally and unstoppable love me like that. Victor was kissing my neck, ears, chin and cheek until he reached my mouth, putting tongue inside it, collecting my cries and sobs into himself. He was not trembling anymore, but my hands on his back were still holding him so strongly like Victor would want to escape. I have never left marks on his back before, but today it was necessary. He took my cock into his hand and I moved my lips to take a deep breath. Victor’s hips were moving faster and as he was stroking my dick I felt that it's just a matter of seconds now.

“Ah….” I was letting sounds nonstop all the time so when I finally heard how Victor also breaks with this moan, all my body just trembled and I couldn’t hold it anymore, I came hard into his hand and at the same time, my lover moved one last time, also finally coming inside of me. The strong and intense feeling was stronger than ever and I couldn’t stop catching the air, trying to breathe normally at last. My hands let go of his back, even my fingers were hurting. Should I be sorry about Victor’s back? Somehow I was not. He rolled off me, but I hugged Victor strongly and he did the same. We both didn’t have strengths to talk and just now I felt, how tired I am… for real. I found Victor’s lips and we were kissing slowly until someone of us passed out, I don’t really remember which one was the first.

 

Life in Bora Bora is amazing. I was falling in love with this island every day more and more, I already made Victor promise that we will definitely come back here someday again. Swimming in the sea where no matter how deep you go, still everything until the bottom is visible, swimming together with big turtles and colorful fishes, I was feeling like a child while Victor for the first days could just watch me, because of those screeches I left on his back it was too painful to get into the salty water. Sorry, not sorry. I loved huge palm trees and taking a nap in the shadow, holding Victor’s head on my lap while reading a book or just sitting and watching the sea. Life here was without any problems, I forgot about all other people that we left in the real world, even (really big shame) about Makkachin who for now was living with my parents. I loved the food here, never thought that I could enjoy eating something so much besides Katsudon. In the end, I don’t think that we gained any weight because of those “physical exercises” we were doing every night, sometimes even at the day time. Because of the sunny weather, even my pale skin got a little bit tan, I even didn’t try to get tan, but walking without shirt helped a lot. Mostly we enjoyed walking on the beach and in the evening drinking cocktail in the local bar also on the beach, I heard a few times how girls behind talks: “You see those two boys… one really sexy and another super cute.” But actually, they didn’t have any clue about our real age. Boys. It’s good to be young, to be strong and to be loved, to find happiness every day in simple things and I think that this trip helped me realize something I was missing and cleared everything inside me. I was feeling like a new person, happy, full of energy (most of the time, when my butt didn’t hurt), always with smile… but the most important I was in love. Literally. Crazy. In. Love.

Another thing that neither of us was counting the time here. You know… everything comes to an end. But just knowing how much this place changed me and how close with Victor I was now, made me feel good. I wasn’t afraid to go back because I knew that nothing will change. It was the night before our last day here. Victor was already sleeping after few rounds of sex, but I couldn’t so I walked out to terrace watching the moon in the sky, I hugged myself around the waist and sighed. This life…

“Trying to run away?” I heard a deep voice behind me and suddenly it got really dark when Victor has put something on my eyes. I grabbed his hands, but he was faster, Victor took my wrists into his hands and cracked them behind my back. I took a deep breath together with a gasp when he put his head on my shoulder and kissed my cheek. It’s so strange… to not see anything, just feel. I never thought how feels people who can’t see, but somehow even if it was Victor, my heart was already beating in my throat. With what he has covered my eyes?

“No-o… I was just standing… here.” It wasn’t a necessary thing to answer his question because Victor was joking, but after everything that happened in our life, this question wasn’t so funny. But this time for sure and forever, there is no reason for me to run away.

“Hahaha, right. Come here piglet.” I just felt how Victor quickly turns me around and lifts my body, I wrapped my legs around his waist. “If you take off this mask, I will make your butt regret it.” He gently kissed my cheek, but I felt that Victor is not kidding. Whaaaat? I wasn’t afraid of his words, but somehow I couldn’t raise my hands to take off the mask. I felt how my back touched bed and now I was safer at least he is not carrying me to some unknown place. I mean, I trusted Victor with all my heart, but the feeling was still strange. Victor again grabbed my wrist and lifted my hand, he put some cold thing around it, I tried to move it instinctively, but something was holding my hand from doing that, I felt a strange pain on my wrist, before I understood what’s going on, Victor quickly did the same with another hand.

“Victoooor… don’t tell me you are using Phichit's present????” I tried to move my hands again, but I couldn’t. They were locked with cold metal handcuffs one side on my wrists and another to bed (I tried to guess). He didn’t answer anything and I again felt how the heart is beating in my throat, just second ago I was already getting calm. “Vi-ctor… where are you?” Don’t tell me he left me here and went somewhere. I again tried to move my hands, but all I could hear was a sound of me, trying to get free. Not funny. Not funny. Not funny. My cheeks were burning. “Victor…. Victor!” no, really, if he left me here, I will… I don’t know what I will do, but something not really nice.

“I am here, beauty, don’t worry.” I heard his voice somewhere in the room, but I couldn’t say where. I don’t understand how people live like this. My lips were trembling and I couldn’t stop moving my legs, like that would help me, but it was the only thing that I was able to do. What is he doing? I tried to calm down and listen, before that I couldn’t do this because of those sounds I was making, but now I tried to listen, this is the only way, no? Because it doesn’t seem that Victor wants to set me free. I heard steps towards me and then someone sat on the bed, soon after that I felt Victor’s lips on mine, but they were so cold that I flinched because I didn’t expect that. Is he holding an ice cube in his mouth? Yes, it seems he is. Victor touched with the ice my neck and that place started to burn. I had to hold my breath when he started going down leaving ice freezing path from my neck through chest until my navel. Victor left the ice cube on it and I took in a loud breath, it started to melt, but very slowly giving me chills and at the same time the heat.

“Take it… take it…” I begged, but Victor didn’t answer just pressed my body with his hand, that I wouldn’t be able to move. Why he is not saying anything and this feeling is killing me. I want to see!! I want to grab his body and… and… “Aaaah!!!” I suddenly screamed loud when Victor took my cock into his hand (I guess) and I felt this wet but perishing cold feeling on it. I couldn‘t say what exactly was it, but I guess... it was Victor's mouth, but freezing inside because he was holding in it another ice cube. I moved my hips and it just made him take me deeper in his freezing mouth. My hands... my wrists they were burning already from the pain, because I was moving them without stop, hoping that somehow I will set them free and then I will be able to move Victor‘s head. But I couldn‘t... I couldn‘t do anything, not even grab on his hair. He was licking and teasing me, and somehow I was getting more and more hard, from freezing pain suddenly it turned to a hot pleasure and now I was moving my hips, trying to reach climax. But he moved his head before that, leaving me so close to the top and without any possibility to protect my rights. Yes, I have a right to come! This was torture…. I will kill Phichit, I will really kill him. I was breathing fast and hard, but without his help and can’t come.

“Victor… please…” I murmured with shivering voice, trying to guess where his eyes could be at this moment and trying to move my head that way. As I soon understood I was looking in the wrong direction, because Victor’s finger touched my cheek a little bit more from the top.

“Please, what?” He asked softly and I felt his kiss on the corner of my lips. Victor was smiling I was able to feel that even without seeing. His hand started sliding down my body, stopping at least four times until he reached the destination, but he didn’t take my cock into his hand, just was rubbing a place around it. I moaned again trying to move my hands, even my muscles already hurt.

“Please… let me… let me… come.” I begged while blushing because I knew that one way or another he will make me say that. And I didn’t have time for games, my body was already off his limits, I have to calm myself down or my heart will jump from the chest.

“Oh… baby… you are so cute when you talk like that.” This time he kissed my lips, hard but I was feeling too weak and emotional to give him a proper answer. This is too serious… My body is melting… I am dying. “With my hand… or with…” from my cock his hand slid even more down and touched my hole, from sex earlier today this place was already sensitive, but still enough soft… and now… as soon as he touched it, everything there started twitching. I want him… I want him to fuck me. Hard. I opened my mouth and let the sound out moving a little bit, showing Victor what I want. “Tell me…” he said putting just a little bit of his finger, like that giving me an emotional shock. I lifted all my body, trying somehow make him put it deeper. “Say it… Yuuri… Yuuri Nikiforov.” He said this so close to my ear that I suddenly froze. My new last name… I still haven’t used to hear this. I turned my head to the side where Victor was and felt that my lips are touching his cheek.

“Fuck me… fuck me… Hard.” My lips were moving just a little bit, it was hard to talk because of the feelings inside me, but somehow I did this, I said this clear enough for Victor. He quickly grabbed my body and turned me around. My hands have twisted painfully but I didn’t care. Hurry. Hurry. Hurry. And he did it. Victor entered me fast and rough, giving me what I wanted the most at the moment. He leaned on my back with his naked chest and fucked my hard and deep, holding on my hair, making me lift my head and moan from the pleasure, pain, and dizziness at the same time. I came one, time and then another with the help of his hand. Victor helped me to reach the top several times also coming inside me, then on my back and then at some moment… it was just too much for me. I couldn’t moan anymore, every part of my body was trembling and I couldn’t feel my hands. I was lying without any strengths with Victor on top of my back in the same condition. Suddenly he set my hands free but I couldn’t let them down because they didn’t listen to me. My lover turned me around and helped wrap my hands around his neck. “I am feeling like a vegetable,” I said when Victor laid his head on my chest and all I could do was move my fingers a little bit, to rub his neck. I was still with the mask on my eyes. Oh well, it doesn‘t matter anymore.

“My little baby carrot.” He said with a sleepy voice and kissed my chest. I don’t know why carrot, but never mind. If he wants me to be his carrot, I will. “I will keep you tied down. This time for sure and forever.” He was happily talking more to himself than for me. So it was his plan from beginning? To show that I am tied down, Well... Victor totally succeeded. I am not running anywhere. Never.

 

“Goood morning, looove,” I said after seeing that Victor blinked few times, he wanted to move his hands, but of course he couldn’t because they were handcuffed like mine yesterday. What a beautiful morning. I was sitting on Victor, to say exactly I was sitting on his stomach, holding knees pressed against the bed on his sides. Waiting for him to realize what have I done. He should be happy that I didn’t put the mask on his eyes. But the color was too beautiful to hide it.

“Yuuri?” he tried to move his hands again and then looked up to see what I did to him. I already had marks left from these sooo feel it, Victor. Feel it. “It’s a revenge?” He laughed and I couldn’t see any sign of fear in his still a little bit sleepy eyes. Like this, with lifted hands above his head and with messed hair he looked so damn sexy. Maybe I should turn this into morning ritual?

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” I shook my head, trying to look innocent, but like on purpose my ass reminded me of it. Alright, I know. I took the plate which I had put next to me on the bed before, full of fruits and some of my favorite cookies. It was what we had left from yesterday. “Breakfast?” I asked taking one grape between my fingers and putting it next to Victor’s lips, he opened his mouth and took the grape inside with his tongue. Why he is even sexy, when he has to look like the victim here? It’s just unfair! One second and the plate was already on the floor, I quickly leaned forward, pressed my lips against, inserting my tongue into his mouth and taking back what belongs to me. My grape.

“How… about you release me and then we will have wonderful breakfast together?” He said asked with that sweet and sticky voice of his, but I shook my head. Nah, I am good like this. I mean… soon he will find out what I have in mind. I ate the grape and touched Victor’s chest with my hands. He had a scar on it, a long one, but before it wasn’t that visible because of his pale skin, now Victor also got tanned so it was more visible. Still. That only proves how brave he was and how much did he fight for his life. I slowly licked all the scar from the bottom to the top. It‘s mine. This chest, scar and the heart. Everything is mine. Also this part... As I was holding my lips on his chest, my one hand slowly moved down, until I reached his cock and I looked at my lover, he was lying with his mouth opened. “Will you give me a joy ride?” he asked holding his smile, but he couldn’t hold his body reaction. Every part was devoted to me. His body was listening to my moves like my body is listening to his.

“Funny. Will it count like raping if I tie your mouth?” I asked slowly and I saw how Victor moves his hands again. Not going to work. Been there, done that. I lifted my ass a little bit and put the top of his cock next to the place where he wanted to be the most right now. I could say this from how hard he was. And I was prepared for this because from the start I knew how this going to end.

“Tie with what?” he asked carefully for one second looking at my eyes, but he still was interested more in what was going on more below. Don’t tell me he is afraid of it? And Victor is calling me cute? Just look at him now. Even from here I could see that his lips are drying and he started breathing faster as I slowly was putting his cock inside me. I made him wait for my answer and on that time, I enjoyed watching how Victor really tries to set free his hands, make me sit on him faster, but I was doing this on purpose. Doing this slowly, but not holding my moans and trembling voice. Damn… that’s so deep.

“Wi-th… my mou-th of course.” I said leaning forward and giving him a kiss. Victor was quite surprised, of course, he felt that I got ready for the morning sex and I bet he tried to imagine that because suddenly he got even harder inside me. I moaned into his lips and moved my hips a little bit, searching for a better position. I am controlling here. At least I thought so until Victor suddenly moved his hands so fast and hard that he ripped off the handcuffs, of course, they weren’t the real ones, more like a toy, but still… how much energy this person has? For God sake. As soon as he grabbed my hips and started kissing harder even biting my tongue and then lower lip. I understood… that on the plane back home I will have to kneel on the seat.

  
“Do you feel sad that we are leaving?” Victor asked coming next to me, he just finished packing our stuff and I was standing on the terrace, looking at the sea. The sun was already getting ready for sleep. Our last day was fantastic, after that morning joyful ride, we had an amazing breakfast with all my favorite food, the last time I jumped into this warm sea and then we just walked around our favorite places on this island. Yes, it’s hard to say goodbye, even if it’s just been a little bit more than two weeks, this place already became close to me. When we get old I want to live somewhere in a place like this, with Victor walking on the beach every day and having like three or four dogs, watching on TV how other skaters are participating at Grand Prix final and making fun of their jumps. Because they are so lame… then I will say “On out times… skaters were much better… remember those quads we were doing?” Eh… yeah, I could imagine my last years like this.

“No. Because I know that we will come back.” I lifted my hand, that one with rings on it and took a drowning sun between my fingers. Victor walked behind me and placed his hand on mine. Those rings were looking beautiful, in their place and with this amazing sunset the gold and the silver color mixed with each other giving us real shining beauty. It’s a sunset. Sunset… usually, it means the end. But not for us, because somewhere sun is hiding, but somewhere it’s raising again. Starting a new life, giving a new hope and making this world move on.

Victor strongly hugged me and I leaned against his back breathing calmly with a smile on my face. Now I remember everything… I started to think about this yesterday at night, but couldn’t finish my thoughts. But after thinking about the rough start we had… everything started from one stupid and wrong decision that I made without Victor. Sometimes I tried to think what would have happened if I haven’t put those new skates on? Maybe… we would have married a long time ago? Or maybe not. I mean… those bad things that happened weren't just some coincidences. They helped me to learn a lot of things… for example that love hurts, it hurts so much that sometimes all you want to do is die. But love also heals… it healed me, it healed Victor, and it brought us back together. Before Grand Prix competition in 2018 I thought that loving someone is really easy, but then life showed me that love can be hell… how much pain we had to take to reach what we have now… my broken leg, separation, suicide, and then starting everything from beginning, at least trying, because some people wanted to stand in our way, losing memory and then… trying to get back everything we lost, collecting all those pieces and putting back together… then almost losing everything when Victor was one step from dying. But then it just comes to me: Life is too short to wait for better times for love, for getting married. Let’s do everything now, while we can, let’s just try. Nobody will blame no one for this. Victor… because of me he forgot how to love himself, but now I am here to remind this every day and when I came back I was ready to give everything for Victor and don’t expect anything back, but he opened again for me. We tried. And that’s what made us stronger. We were loving each other with all soul and heart. My soul belongs to him, I broke and healed Victor’s heart making it forever mine. I can’t even count how many times I have cried for this love, I guess I can't say how many times I will cry for it in the future. But I am ready… I am ready to cry and then laugh… I am ready to fight and then forgive. Because this is life… and life is a pain, it’s pleasure and it will make you feel all spectrum of emotions even if you don’t want it. Just…

“Don’t give up.” Victor suddenly said as he was reading my thoughts or maybe he was thinking the same. I don’t know. One way or another those silent words that came from his lips, made me smile. That’s right. I closed my eyes when my Husband gave me a kiss on my cheek.

In the end, love always win.

 

Unless… it's not the end.

 

>  
> 
> * * *
> 
>  
> 
> **Spoiler for the sequel.**
> 
> **Behind us.**
> 
>   
>  _“Yuuri…. Just don’t be mad but I think I have failed… Yeah, I know… I was trying. Really. It’s just somehow I forgot everything that I have learned, those kanji are hard! Eh… You are not mad? Really? That’s good. Where are you now? Let’s meet I need your comforting kiss and hug... or I will cry. Yes, I also want that. Please. Oh, I know this coffee shop. Me? I am near the park. Ice center? Sounds fine, I will be there in ten minutes. Don’t worry, with google maps, I know Tokyo pretty well… of course. You dummy, I just… what... the- Ground is… erthqu----“_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing is hard. No really. It's super hard. It's not just sitting and writing what comes to your head. After writing 39 chapters of this fic and have learned almost all time zones on earth, I can tell you how long does it take to fly from one part of the world to another and even with what airlines you should fly. Because of this fic I had to read so many medical articles, about broken legs and lost memories and so on, I have seen so many videos of skating and have learned almost all the jumps and how many points you can get for doing them well (also extra points), not even talking about English dictionary who became my best friend right now. I have learned so many things... and it's just beginning. And I loved it. I really love so much and I want to learn more <3 <3 Thank you for giving me this opportunity <3
> 
> Also just in case I wanted to remind you that our beloved Kubo-sensei once said that the world that Yuuri and Victor are living in is without any homophobia. So the same is this fic. They can show their love however they want and everybody will be happy about this.
> 
> About the spoiler for the sequel. Like I said before it's not from the first chapter... maybe it is from 3th or 4th? I still haven't decided. Anyway, if you think that this end is a perfect one and you don't need anything else, then... I totally understand. I mean Victuuri is married happy and what else do we need? But if you want to read more agnst (of course with even more perfect ending) then I will be waiting for you on the sequel "Behind us." ^-^ The sequel will be the continuation of the main story (after some time) and it's going to start from chapter 41.  
> BUT I am still not giving all my thanks and love to you because I hope to see everyone who is reading this part on chapter 40! The last Special chapter of "Between us." <3 <3  
> I love Christmas. yayayayay~~~ We will be celebrating Russian Christmas just after Victor's surgery, so we will see how Yuuri takes care of him :3 :3 <3 <3
> 
> I have the exam on Wednesday and on Friday so I hope to finish special on Friday night or Saturday.
> 
> LOVE YOU ALL REALLY MUCH. I HOPE YOU KNOW THIS.  
> Let's officially celebrate the end of the main story in this part <3 <3 LOVE ALWAYS WINS!!!
> 
> With all my heart,  
> kisses and hugs,  
> Vitavili <3


	40. Chapter 40. Christmas special.

**2022, January 7.**

It’s so fun when you get a chance to celebrate Christmas twice a year. In the past, we also celebrated Christmas once on 25th of December and then on 7th of January – that’s the day when Russians celebrate it. And in Russia Christmas is even a national holiday! Nobody goes to work, just enjoys food or family company, I think I loved this part the most about Christmas. It’s a little bit embarrassing but I also loved that part about Santa Claus which here is called “Ded Moroz” I think the translation would be “Grandpa Frost” – of course, it was more for Children, but because Victor had gray hair I just loved laugh that he could be that cute Grandpa. Well, that’s how it was in the past. This year we didn’t celebrate Christmas on 25th of December because Victor was just after his surgery, most of the time he was sleeping and I spent time in the hospital with him. I remember that on the Christmas day for the breakfast nurse brought something different and even eatable, and when I asked what’s the reason for this changes, she said that today is Christmas. Oh, so that’s how it is. After she left I put what she had brought on the table next to Victor’s bed. He was still sleeping and that’s why I really gently kissed his lips, saying “Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday” I didn’t have any present for him, but I got the most wonderful present this year – his life. Yeah, I really remember that on that day in London was snowing. Really beautifully. New Year we also met in London, but already in Simon’s place, Victor was still too weak to go somewhere, but he sat with everyone like a hero at the table and smiled with everything he had. Later everyone went to meet New Year in the center, but I stayed with Victor. We did nothing special… I just let him lay his head on my lap and be like this. In this peaceful silence, while I touched his soft hair with one hand and he was holding another, the one with the silver ring. When we heard fireworks outside – it was midnight - and at the same time, we both reached each other’s lips. Finally, we are meeting New Year together again, I mean… they say that how you meet New Year, all year will be like that, right? So… that means that nobody will be able to separate us next year. And year after that… and after that. Never.

We came back to Moscow just before Russian Christmas, so we didn’t have a chance move to Sant Peterburg or prepare something very special because Victor still was weak, everyone just decided for us that they will come for dinner to our place. Saying everyone, I had in mind: Yurio, Otabek, Ana, Alexey and Phichit with Seung-Gil (they stayed in the hotel in Moscow, of course for certain reasons). Anyway, that’s why yesterday I was running around the supermarket like crazy (even fighting for getting my favorite cake). It’s good that we had a friend who could cook, our hero Phichit, promised that he will come earlier to help me. Of course, I left Victor at home and told him not to get up from the bed, but when I came back, I saw Makkachin running around the flat with red Christmas hat. Victor said he was bored, and I said that if he moves once again I will tie him to the bed with rope. Of course, he wasn't listening to me. Always doing what he wants and how he wants, that’s my fiancé. A huge baby. Today was the same, I got out just for half hour, yesterday I didn’t buy sparkling water because I just didn’t have enough hands to carry everything. Before leaving I looked at Victor and said: “Get up from the bed and you won’t get sex until the wedding.” We still didn’t think about the date, it was too early, first I wanted him to get stronger. And of course, that's why my words scared him, Victor covered his face with blanket almost until nose and nodded, looking at me with those big childish but really cute eyes. “Makkachin, watch him.” I looked at our poodle before leaving. And you know what I saw when I got back?

“Victor. Nikiforov.” This name came from my mouth as soon as I walked through the door and saw him standing SHIRTLESS in the hallway. It’s like he was waiting for me, except the fact that his face was pale and he was holding on the wall. Obviously feeling like a jelly, barely standing on his feet. That’s it. I won’t let him sit with everyone at the table. “Could you please at least do a Christmas present for me and when I ask… stay in bed.” I wanted to shout at him so much, but my heart didn’t let me. Not after seeing his face like that. I quickly put water on the floor and took off my coat, shoes, scarf, hat leaving myself just with the triple layer of sweaters. I mean it was around -27°C (-16.6°F) outside. Jeez, sometimes in winters it’s so hard here, always feeling like a balloon. My cheeks were red and hands were cold, but I still grabbed Victor with them, to hold him. That’s your punishment.

“Yuuuuri, I really wanted to lay in the bed… but we have a serious problem.” He flinched from my cold hands but didn’t say anything about it. Victor’s body was warm, that means he got up from the bed not long ago. Well, at least this. I was in time. I just rolled my eyes and started going with him towards the bedroom, but he showed me to stop. What now?

“You are my problem. Why you walk around without sweater like this? You want to catch a cold or something?” Victor opened his mouth to talk, but I didn’t let him. This is not a fucking game. Just knowing that under that bandage he had on his chest is a huge scar and thinking how he got it, still made me want to cry. “I am super mad at you. Why can’t you just listen once… I am worried, Victor…” Just now I started to understand what Victor must have felt when I had problems with health (a lot of them actually). I will never make him worry like that again, but he can't do this revenge on me. It’s not fair.

“No no. Yuuri, stop. Wait. Really we have a huge problem. It’s in the living room….” He said with guilty voice but still trying to explain himself, I felt how his hands grab my body stronger. The problem in the living room? What could possibly happen in half hour? Did he break something? I couldn’t read Victor’s face, but it wasn’t the same as always. First I thought that it must be from pain, but now I understood that it’s something different. Fine, let’s go check the problem.

“What problem?” I asked letting him go and taking off one of my sweaters, with my head I showed him to raise his hands, slowly I helped Victor to put on my sweater it was a little bit too short for him, still better than nothing. Victor shook his head and sighed… he couldn’t explain it. Alright, that’s strange. When I was about to ask again suddenly all flat started drowning from cries, that just came from nowhere. They were coming from the living room. Child’s cries, Victor looked at that side and then again at me. “What….the…” I left him in the hallway and rushed to the living room. There was about one-year-old chubby baby sitting on our couch and crying from all his throat. So that’s the problem he was talking about?? Where the hell this problem came from?? Makkachin was sitting next to couch looking around, lost. Victor came after me, I looked at him with a big question mark on my face.

“Our neighbor forgot to buy present for one of the guests she is having today… so she asked to look after her for few hours. I couldn’t find a reason to say no… but… what will we do if she gets a need to change diapers? Or I don’t know… feed her.” Victor was looking at the child from the corner like she could start throwing things at him. But actually she wasn’t doing anything bad, just crying so hard like we were trying to beat her. I don’t know… how to take care a child, but if we just stand here, I swear all the floor will think that we are doing something wrong. Oh my God… that’s the problem.

I started going towards the little girl, who was wearing a pink dress. She had dark hair and also dark eyes, I couldn’t say that she wasn’t cute. Well… Alright, it’s Christmas today… so right, why should help neighbors, right? Just… I never thought that they will need this kind of help. I don’t have any idea how to take care of a child, neither had Victor. Furthermore, he looked really scared of her. I was already next to the girl when Victor sat on other couch. That’s good. About one thing I can feel calm right now… but this girl...

“What’s her name?” I asked and Victor shrugged, not letting his eyes down from the girl. This cry already started giving me a headache. Is there any way to stop this? “Hello… “ I squat in front of a girl, who was covering her eyes with palms. She looked at me and started sobbing. Wait, maybe I should talk in Russian? I don’t have any idea what to say to a child. “Don’t cry… your mom will come soon, alright? Look we have a poodle, he is cute, no?” Why the hell I am talking in English? I don’t know if she understands something, but I showed at Makkachin and she also looked that way, with her trembling hands, girl was holding on the corner of her dress. Is she scared? For few seconds she was looking at the dog, but then slowly turned her eyes at Victor. Does she like him? Of course, she does. Even if she didn’t understand me, girl stopped crying and now was just still a little bit sobbing. “Khochesh' poyti tuda?” (Want to go there?) Finally, I remembered how to ask something that she could understand, I tried not pay attention how Victor is shaking his head. After girl slowly nodded, I gently took her in my arms. She wasn’t heavy but I don’t have any idea how much children should weight.

“Yuuri…” Victor said before I put a girl on his lap. Obviously, he wasn’t sure about this, but soon as I did that, she stopped letting any sounds, now was sitting really calmly, just still playing with the corner of her dress. Oh. “What now?” he asked and looked me like he was afraid even to breathe, somehow I wanted to smile from this view.

“Nothing,” I answered putting my head on his shoulder. Really nothing, she is calm so why should we do something? Still, the feeling was strange, even when Victor finally started relaxing. “I think she likes you.” Actually, I said a fact, because it was too obvious. Girl leaned on Victor’s chest like she was feeling really comfortable, at first I looked a little bit worried, but Victor didn’t show any sign that he feels pain.

“Of course she likes me. I am Victor Nikiforov after all.” I rolled my eyes, but couldn’t hold a smile. If he is joking, then it’s a good, right? I touched his hand and wrapped my fingers around his. That’s right… even if my world is really small it couldn’t exist without this man next to me. “Yuuri… I was thinking… do you imagine our future like that? Adopting a child?” I mean I could have expected this kind of question, but I didn’t. When Victor asked it so simply like a ten minutes ago he wasn’t calling this girl “a problem”. To be honest, I have never thought about this… I don’t think that I was ready for this kind of thing and… I still need Victor just for myself.

“Maybe… someday… I think I would like to.” I started my answer slowly, feeling Victor’s eyes on me, but I was looking at that little girl, who was already slumbering. She is really good around unknown people, I guess. Or maybe she feels who can she trust? I can’t think of any other person who would be so trustworthy as Victor, he was not even noticing that just with his existence he makes other people better. “But for now… you are my only baby.” I finally turned my face to Victor and pressed my lips to his, he looked surprised, but just for a few seconds. He also gave me a smile.

“Yours.” That’s the only answer I needed now.

 

 

 

Phichit was already cooking something in the kitchen and I came to bedroom to help Victor. Let’s just hope that Phichit won’t burn the house down, he was looking too excited. Actually, like always. After our neighbor came to get her daughter, who had a name Sofia, she was really surprised to see that she is sleeping so calmly because she is usually really active and not giving anyone a rest. Well, it’s Christmas, sometimes miracles happen, no? I didn’t want to tell her that Victor just has this effect on others, it’s impossible to feel bad around him. Unless you have problems with anxiety, but we were still working on it. Everything has a solution if we try to deal with it together. I entered the bathroom, Victor was already waiting there for me, sitting on the small chair next to the bathtub.

“How are you feeling?” I asked kneeling in front of him and helping take off a sweater, then slowly and gently untied old bandage, need to change it once in a day. At the same time, I can help him to clean himself a little bit. Victor’s face color was normal but eyes were tired, despite that he was still smiling while looking at me. “You don’t have to pretend strong in front of me,” I said reaching his face with fingertips, Victor met them with his lips.

“I know. I am just happy that you are here.” After his words, I don’t know why I started blushing. Where could I possibly be, if not here? I took off the bandage and then opened the bath tap, made sure that water is warm enough. With a wet towel, I started cleaning first his neck then chest tried to do this as careful as I could. Despite I was doing this every day, it still couldn‘t relax. “You are so concentrated…” Victor giggled, but I couldn’t take my eyes from the scar. It was still new and bright, that red color gave me chills every time. Why he had to suffer so much? If I could take at least half pain he was feeling. “Yuuri… why your eyes are so sad? It’s Christmas and I can feel that something in the kitchen is burning.” After Victor’s words, I half sobbed half laughed. How should I explain him? And that dumbass Phichit… something really was burning.

“Just get better soon. I will take care of you.” I cleaned every part of his chest and stomach, dried skin with other towel and imposed new bandage around his chest to cover the scar and make sure that any dirt wouldn’t get there. Nice. I am really getting good at this.

“And what I would do without you?” after I helped Victor put new sweater with a poodle on it, that I bought for him as a Christmas present, he asked me. And I still kneeling wrapped my arms around his neck. Victor doesn’t have to think about what he would do without me. Because that will never happen again. I will show him all the love I have.

 

 

“Merry Christmas!!’ When I opened the door, Ana almost flew at me, jumped and started kissing my cheeks, not paying attention that with every kiss my cheeks are getting more and more red. Victor was already sitting in the living room with Yurio, Otabek, Phichit and Seung-Gil, so Ana was lucky here.

“Don’t rape him, leave this for the desert.” Alexey came in with a Christmas pie in his hands. “Merry Christmas, Yuuri.” He smiled at me when Ana finally let me go and ran to the living room shouting at the same time Vityyyyaaaa, that women it’s just a rocket… I don’t know if I should be sorry for her future husband or no.

“Merry Christmas,” I answered to the boy I loved the most after Victor. Alexey really became someone special in my life. He was good as a friend and almost as a brother, not even talking that he was a real copy of my idol. I picked up Ana’s coat that she threw on the floor before running into the living room, Alexey gave me his and slowly walked towards the room where I already heard how Ana and Phichit are screaming while hugging each other. Alexey never loses confidence in his walk. I hope he will find a girl who is worth to have this strong but sensitive man. That girl will have to make through my test. Hahaha, why I am feeling so responsible for the future of these two?

  
“Let’s play a game! It’s just while we are here!” Phichit shouted when everybody just started eating. In the end, everything went fine and nothing burned, Phichit saved Christmas with his cooking talent and it was really delicious, buuut… I wasn’t sure that I want to play a game made by Phichit. It must be something strange, also Seung-Gil face was saying that he knows about this game and he doesn’t want to be a part of it.

“What game? I want to play!!” Ana looked at Phichit with excited eyes, I couldn’t read what Yurio was thinking, Victor tried to hold a smile. I guess, I will play if it makes my Prince happy. Just happiness can make him heal, right?

“We will get into the family roles and try to act like them!” from his pocket Phichit took out a small box with little papers in it. “You will get random papers and the role is written on it. Everyone plays.” He said after seeing that Yurio opened his mouth from this idea. “Yurio, take the paper. Now.” Phichit opened the box almost next to Yurio’s nose. I tried not to smile because this blond could get mad pretty serious. Come on, Yurio… it’s Christmas, forgive our childish friend. Yurio looked at Otabek for a second, but his lover didn’t show any sign of disagreement to this game, so after rolling his eyes he picked one paper.

“Younger son.” He read out loud with a poker face and Phichit happily shouted, Victor covered his mouth still holding a smile and I was biting my lip trying not to show any emotions. Everyone else looked extremely happy, I don’t know why especially Otabek.

“Family cat.” Otabek read his paper and then nobody could hold laughing, Yurio even forgot to be mad at everyone because of this stupid game, he started choking from laughing and suddenly did that nobody was expecting, he hugged Otabek and kissed his cheek, something said to his ear that made Otabek smile. After that, I remember what I heard in Japan and I quickly turned my head from them.

“I am older son.” Alexey showed us his paper and smirked to Yurio. That would be nice. I tried to guess what kind of roles there are more. There were as many papers as there were people, so five more. Now it was Ana’s choice, she was picking so long like that paper could determine her future.

“Grandparent.” She read the paper and her smile got down, but I could see granny in her, Ana was an active person who could love everyone who is moving and with so many boys around her, it should be really easy. Alexey next to his sister was dying of laughter, I guess they had their own story why she didn’t want to be granny.

“Yuuri, it’s your turn.” Phichit turned the box to my side and I took the first paper on top, whatever what I get, still, I suck at acting so I don’t think that there will be any difference I get uncle’s role or dog’s. I don’t really care. At least I thought this until I saw what is written on it.

“I am mom…” I said silently and Yurio forgot that he had something on his fork and wanted to put it into his mouth. So I will be Yurio’s and Alexey’s mother? Everyone didn’t say a word because now Victor looked at his paper. Answer in my mind came before he told it.

“Daddy.” He smiled widely and wrapped arms around my neck I tried to smile. Just perfect. Of course, I wouldn’t play this seriously creepy game if my husband would have been Seung-Gil.

“I don’t want parents like them,” Yurio said showing at us with his fork. Is he already into this?

“Darling, you can’t choose your parents. You have to love us.” Victor sent a kiss through air to Yurio and he moved to a side, like trying to avoid it. That should be fun, especially the last part that Phichit got cousin's role (like I imagined him a perverted cousin, crazy about his family) and Seung-Gil became a family dog. Just great. Dog and Cat were sitting in front of each other, with faces that were showing totally peacefulness. Just great.

“Now everyone has to say at least one sentence from his role,” Phichit explained while chewing something. “I can start.” He closed his eyes, like trying to feel his role, it was funny and strange, but at the same time, everything was somehow really cozy. It’s been a long time since I celebrated Christmas like that, with my best friends, at the table full of delicious food, playing a game, maybe a little bit strange but still… “I am really happy that you invited me, I thought that you forgot me…. Not calling for three years.” Phichit told us even with a different voice and for a moment I got lost and even a little bit guilty… damn, he knows how to act.

“Of course, last time after you got drunk at party everyone started avoiding you.” Yurio shrugged, showing tongue to Phichit and I again got surprised. We are acting, right? Nothing like this ever happened. Jeez, I am really bad at lying, I don’t think that I will succeed.

“Don’t talk like that with him… just eat. You are so skinny that I can’t even look. Your parents are too busy in bed, I guess.” Ana spoke putting more salads into Yurio's plate. Yurio tried to stop her hands and my cheeks started burning. What’s with that bed??

“Someone needs to take care of this. We with mommy are trying to create a perfect family here, because our older son it’s not concerned about making family at all, and the younger one is still too much into his cat's collection.” Victor made that sad voice and I looked at him, he was not just talking, he also did that expression, looking at Alexey and Yurio, really worried. Oh no, my turn is coming… what to say? What to say?

“When you buy me Ferrari and my own house, we can talk about my own family.” Alexey raised his brow, looking really bored, so he is the oldest but the most spoiled of all. And our other son has a strange hobby, cousin has drinking problems and grandma thinks that everyone here is hungry. Not even talking about Daddy, who must be horny any time of the day. What kind of mother should I be?

“Meow.”

“Woof-Woof.”

"Anyone wants tea and ice cream?” I silently murmured feeling pressure after even Seung-Gil and Otabek played their roles. Everyone at the same time has sighed, Phichit even did a face palm. Only Victor started giggling and took my hand into his. What did I say wrong?

After finally everyone were full, we moved on the couches, Alexey and Ana went to the kitchen bring tea and I was sitting next to Victor, looking how Phichit and Yurio are still really deep into their roles now talking about dogs and cats, fighting which one is better. Obviously, they were talking about Otabek and Seung-Gil. Victor’s head was on my shoulder, he was already tired, this day was long for us and Victor is still not that strong to stay energetic all the time. He already did his best, today.

“Yuuri, could you bring me a glass of water?” Victor asked and I nodded, kissed his cheek and got up from the couch. By the time I left the living room Phichit was already sitting on Seung-Gil’s lap and explaining to Yurio that just dog could possibly hold you like that. Oh… let’s just hope everything here won’t turn into a porn movie. I was still into my thoughts that’s why at first I didn’t understand what I am seeing, just after Ana already was grabbing my hand and pulling into the kitchen, Alexey closed the door behind us.

“Oh…” I let the sound out. When I entered the kitchen Ana and Alexey were standing in the middle of it. Kissing. I didn’t expect that. I never thought about that. They were close, they were feeling each other and they were always together, but somehow I never imagined that like that… kissing. Like a couple. What’s going on?

“Yuuri!!” It was Victor’s voice from the living room, he heard how Alexey closed the door.

“We are doing a threesome, he will come soon!” Alexey shouted back. The word "come" at least now had a double meaning.

“What the-“

“Threeeeeeesome????”

“Phichit, sit down.”

Ana was still holding me, but I didn’t have any intention to move or run away. It’s not that I was sick of what I have seen, I just didn’t expect that. I touched Ana’s hair and tried to smile, trying without words say that she don’t have to worry if she is afraid that I will get mad. This I could see from her face.

“Yuuri… just don’t think anything bad.” Alexey talked leaning against the kitchen table with his back. I looked at him and shook my head. I am not mad, but I think I need explanation. “We never thought of doing anything, it just… I don’t know. We may be too close to stop this.” He sighed and Ana squeezed my hand harder that way making me look at her.

“But everything will be over soon, I am moving to Paris, I got into Modern’s art major and Alexey is staying here, he already is working as dancer teacher… so… we never did anything more… just…” It’s the first time when Ana couldn’t find words to say what she wants. And it was the first time I heard about Paris. This day is full of surprises. I won’t say that this day was bad… just strange. Like Christmas day, just I don’t know if I could call this magic. But of one thing I was sure. This day is originally made for forgiveness, and I didn’t have any real motive to get anxious.

“Look… I don’t really care... if you are worried about this… I was just surprised. The most important that you are happy, alright? I mean, my lover is a man… so.” I tried to turn everything into a joke but Alexey shook his head.

“It’s different… It’s normal to have a man as your partner in this world, but people won’t accept sister’s and brother’s relationship. It’s just sick, right? But don’t worry, like we said, we haven’t done anything wrong.” Alexey sighed and took in his hands a tray with cups on it. He wasn’t happy that I saw or maybe he wasn’t happy about this relationship, I couldn’t say for sure.

“Just don’t tell Victor,” Ana asked when Alexey left. “Alexey is just worried, we both know that it’s wrong… but it’s hard to stop, that’s why we decided to separate our ways. Don’t worry, Yuuri.” She gave me a kiss on my cheek and also walked to the living room. I shouldn't have seen that. And she really shouldn't have asked me not to tell this Victor. How can I hide this from him? I am the shittiest liar in the whole world.

 

 

 

“No really, Yuuri. What is it, did they really raped you or what?” Victor finally asked me, after we were already alone, but since I came from the kitchen I almost didn’t say a word. I can’t hide secrets. I don’t want to hide it from Victor. We were still sitting on the couch, listening to some music that Phichit left for us. He made me promise that I will participate in Grand Prix also this year, he even called it “Christmas promise.” Like I couldn’t break it. But Grand Prix was in the last place for me right now, we still had a long path to go until then. No, I can’t. I can’t hold it.

“I saw how Alexey and Ana were kissing!” I suddenly shouted even making my lover flinch, he blinked a few times, looked around and then stopped his eyes again at me.

“Alright… but you don’t have to shout, love.” He touched my face with his fingers and smiled. Victor wasn’t surprised at all about the fact I just told him. “I know that. I mean that’s kind of obvious, they are stuck with each other. But it’s their life. Are you worried?” When I nodded Victor just hugged me and I pressed my face to his chest, listening to his heartbeat. “There is nothing to worry about. They want to try to live separate. And heart knows the best, if they don’t have real feelings for each other, then everything will be alright… but in other case ending will be the same as ours.” Victor kissed my head and sighed. Our path was long and painful I don’t want Alexey and Ana to suffer.

“Happy ending?” I wanted to make sure. Victor didn’t answer just let confirming sound about my words. My baby was tired. Of course, his little heart still needs time to heal. I felt how Victor puts his head on mine and starts breathing calmly. Like he said to me once. I was the only one where he could find peace. In the end, it really doesn't matter where you find this: in man, women, brother, sister or friend. Your soulmate could be anyone, anywhere… sometimes so much closer than you think he is. In the end, the feeling is great. The feeling like you finally are here, where you belong.

Still holding my head pressed to Victor’s chest I looked through the window. It was snowing. It was night, but at the same time, it was a really bright night for me. Sometimes people says there is no such a thing as bright night, but they don’t know. They don’t have any idea about his hair and eyes who looks like they were just touched by the sun. They don’t know how it feels to hold my head next to his chest and kiss those pale white but warm hands. And then you feel peace in the heart after all long day and after all those bad thoughts around you. Then all you have to do is drink that warmth from his eyes that will make you feel dizzy like a good red wine. He is your peace and joy. He is the bright light in this hard way of anxiety. And no matter how much you fail, he will always take you back, he will always forgive. Who cares who it is? The most important that he exists. And after that, the only thought comes into your head that maybe… just maybe…. You are here in this world not because of your own good. Maybe you are here for someone else. For him.

After my last thought, that song started playing… with the sound covering up every thought.

That’s my bright nights. That’s the morning I want to wake up in.

[Ludovico Einaudi - Una mattina](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cg_dRAmSzvA)

 

* * *

> Summary of the sequel [Behind us](http://archiveofourown.org/works/9338567/chapters/21160136)
> 
> _I can still see you from the miles... I can still see your face. Even if it's within in the miles and now there is nothing left just a lie between us. It's a huge sea between you and me... and there is nothing I can do. My tears they float... moving away like your portrait in my head. What am I living for again?_
> 
>   
>  _But..._
> 
>   
>  _Suddenly before my eyes, that beautiful color of indigo arise. It's in your eyes. And just then I get the feeling back again that I can paint the sky with stars as long as I see them. This is the feeling I needed to rise up again. It's everything I will ever need and even more._  
>  _There is nothing behind us... there is no one behind us._  
>  _In this fight for our life... for our future..._
> 
>   
>  _I will help you rise above again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey for the last time in this part!!!
> 
> First of all, the link to the song after the last sentence is the one Yuuri heard and the one that helped him win gold in Grand Prix 2022.
> 
> That's it, guys! I present you the last Between us chapter TT_TT I still can't believe it. It's my first cute /sad/ angst baby. And I finished this work with over than ~300 Word pages, almost 170k words, more than 1000 Kudos, almost 29k Hits... (JEEZ, OMG WTF) and the most important A LOT OF YOUR SUPPORT. I never thought that I will get so much from writing. Really. While writing this work, I cried a lot and laughed, promise every talk with you made me smile, few times even feel guilty (actually every time, when I broke your heart), I can't count how much I said Thank You and it's still not enough. I could write a whole speech, but I won't do that... I would just say my last Thank You, from the bottom of my heart. I am bowing to you. You are the best readers I could ever get and without you, I would have never finished this work. You were my support my motivation and so much more. Thank you for believing me, for believing in the happy ending. That's all I ever wished for. Thanks for those who stayed with me until the end. Thanks even for those who started reading this work but couldn't finish it. Thanks for those who were talking with me and who still talks, best gift <3 "Between us" has a part of you and me because you also helped me write it, remember? Your ideas, thoughts and wishes, they helped build this, what we have now. Really... you are also authors of this fic. I love you. I really do. I gave my heart and soul to this fic and I hope you were able to feel it. <3 Last time, Thank you. You are amazing!
> 
>  
> 
> This message was more for those who decided no to read the sequel. For those who will continue this painful journey with me, hahahaha... I hope to meet you again in the chapter 41! <3 Stay! <3  
> What's your favorite chapter of Between us? ^-^ <3
> 
> See you, next level (of angst)! <3  
> Always with you,  
> Vitavili <3
> 
> p.s. In the spoiler, I give you the Summary of Behind us. Like always I love unclear summaries :3 <3

**Author's Note:**

> -The toe loop jump is a toe jump that takes off from a back outside edge and lands on the same back outside edge.  
> \- The Lutz jump, named after its originator Alois Lutz, is a toe jump that takes off from a back outside edge and lands on the back outside edge of the opposite foot. The Lutz is a counter-rotated jump, meaning that the takeoff edge travels in a rotational direction opposite to which the skater rotates in the air and lands. Lutzes can often be identified by the long, backward diagonal glide preparation, though this is not necessary to do a Lutz.  
> -The Axel jump, named after its originator Axel Paulsen, is an edge jump launched on the forward outside edge and landed on the back outside edge of the opposite foot. Because it has a forward takeoff but lands backwards, an Axel actually has half an extra rotation.  
> -The flip jump is a toe jump that takes off from a back inside edge and lands on the back outside edge of the opposite foot.  
> -The loop jump is another edge jump, launched from the back outside edge and landing on the same back outside edge. It is also known in Europe as the Rittberger after its inventor, Werner Rittberger. Loops can be done immediately after other jumps in combinations.  
> -Death drop. A type of flying entry into a spin.  
> -Y-spin. An upright spin position in which a skater pulls the free leg up into a vertical split towards the side of the body, creating a Y shape  
> \- The Salchow jump (pronounced "sal-kow"), named after its originator Ulrich Salchow, is an edge jump. It takes off from a back inside edge and lands on the back outside edge of the opposite foot.  
> -Tuck Axel, an Axel jump in which the skater lifts both knees into a tuck position at the height of the jump.  
> -Shoot-the-duck. A skating position in which the skater travels on one foot with the skating leg in a bent position and the other leg held forward, parallel to the ice. This is the basic position for a sit spin.
> 
> Thank you Google!^^
> 
> Tumblr: [vitavilichan](https://vitavilichan.tumblr.com/)


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